Here comes the "doing."

Hi there, dear readers...it's been a minute...actually over a year long minute. Should I try and summarize the details of all that occurred during that time frame or start a new conversation? Let's go with a new conversation but with a run down on my current stats haha...

Amy, The Ro Fo Sho -

 * Still battling depression of course...it's simply a part of my life, always present. You've heard it from me countless times and it's the same deal - living through the ups and downs on the roller coaster ride of mental illness.

 * My art and creating have gradually lost momentum and I've been working on revving it back up. A year ago I wrote about getting ready to start selling my art and that never happened. Here I am today saying I'm working on making it happen again...hoping I succeed with my intentions this time.

 * The biggest update in my life is a new job!!! Much happier where I am and beyond thankful to not be in the chain store retail industry!

 * I'm also dating and enjoying my time with someone, but those details are not for sharing at this time.

So! What's the point in me attempting to write and share once more after such a long absence? 2 reasons:

1. Depression. The conversation is still going, but I've noticed some changes in how the topic is being shared and discussed. I feel the need to jump back in because I'm a little concerned with some of these changes. I don't know if "concerned" is even the right word...I'll try and better explain what I mean in the near future.

2. Art. I've been talking about it for too long...seriously...years. I have to stop talking and start doing. So here comes the doing...

This week and next (and maybe the following) I will be ordering some packaging materials for my original art. I will be organizing and pricing as well as researching the best process for getting prints available for purchase in addition to my original creations. Then, I will start sharing items for sale! Whoo hoo! No one has expressed any interest in buying my art, but that's ok...I will still try.

Thanks for sticking with me, lovelies.

Amy Ro Fo Sho

Depression, Divorce, Discovery

Why?! I can't go to sleep at night or nap during the day without thinking about all of the things I want to write about and how I would write about these things; and then I get in front of my computer screen, and all of the things simply vanish. Where are the things, brain?! This is frustrating. Maybe it's because I don't write as often as I should or make lists as compulsively as I once did; I don't know. Let's go with a bullet type list of sorts and see how it evolves.

* I am so broke. I haven't been this financially unstable in years. It's scary, and I don't see myself getting ahead of it for a very very...very long time.

* I want to share more about the end of my 11 years relationship (including 6 years married) with my ex husband. I desperately need closure or something.

* My ex husband stopped loving me and caring for me around the end of 2014, and recently I've been wondering if he just wasn't attracted to me anymore. That being said, will another man find me attractive in this new single life?

* Single life at 35 after the end of a more than decade long relationship is crazy. Men are weird. I have received more pictures of penises in the the last couple of months than I have in my whole life. And do people even date anymore?! I just want to go on freakin' flippin' date! I don't want to see erections at this stage of the single scene! Is that too much to ask for?

* I plan on writing more about this next chapter of my life under the title, "Depression, Divorce, Discovery."

Depression began altering my life more than 20 years ago and has been a continuous topic here in this little corner of the internet world since the beginning. Divorce has been the most recent life changing event of course which is challenging enough on it's own; but as a woman with mental illness, there were and sometimes still are several moments where I had and have wondered how on earth I will ever fully get on the other side of this event. Discovery. Talk about discovery holy moly! This is a brand new journey, dear readers, and I have so much more to share.

Hugs and love, my lovelies!

Still here,
The Ro Fo Sho

Express the Mess

I keep finding myself wanting to write and share and try to express the mess that's in my head. It feels as though there is too much junk, however, and I'm not sure where to start. So what follows may be a little bit of a free write I suppose...I guess we'll see how it goes.

I'm angry most of the time but mostly when I'm in bed ready to fall asleep for the night or sometimes during the day when I can catch a nap. Moving on since my divorce has been the most challenging thing in my life. I want to yell and scream at my ex husband and shake him and get him to say the things I feel like I need to hear for closure or validation or something! Damn it I'm not the only one who screwed up in our marriage...but I'm also the only one who ever tried fighting to make it work. I spent years asking him what I needed to do to make him love me and want me like he use to...I told him to be be honest and to let me go if it was what he wanted...I explained that it felt like he was pushing me away on purpose. He made me feel like I was crazy. And only now that it's over and I've witnessed how easily he has recovered and started living the life he stopped wanting to live with me, I realize that I wasn't crazy...I was right. He didn't want me anymore. I felt it in the stiff hugs he gave me and the quick emotionless kisses...his eyes would stay open and directed at the television screen. He laughed and smiled with his teeth and spent hours joyfully gaming while my jokes and silliness and attempts to be playful with him only earned me eye rolls, annoyance, and a dismissive attitude. If I haven't yet plainly said it, I'll say it now; yes, I cheated. I screwed up and I kept it a secret. I was drunk, sick, and lonely; and I wanted to feel wanted and I know those are only excuses and they don't and didn't mean anything when the truth was revealed. But lately I've been thinking of "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health..." I broke a vow...but so did he...and he did it over and over and over again. I kept trying to make our relationship work. When my faults were brought to light, however, I didn't have the energy to fight anymore. I had been fighting a losing battle even before my errors came into play. I guess I want him to admit that he broke my heart for years before I broke his. In the end, I lost friendships and family...I lost my husband who had remained my best friend even when I stopped being his. I'm wondering when I'll stop replaying all of this in my head...when will I run out of tears and when will I forgive my ex as well as myself.

He said he would help me after the divorce and that he understood it would be difficult for me to get back on my feet. I'm working so hard and not getting ahead; it's like a losing battle. So many people told me to ask for alimony and that I shouldn't trust that he would keep his word. I had faith in him and now I know I shouldn't have. He bought a house even though he was always telling me that it was something we wouldn't be able to do for years. He spends time away from the TV screen even thought it seemed to be the only thing that made him truly happy during our time together. You know, he even tried sushi after years and years of refusing to try it with me. More than one person admitted that he seemed depressed spending time with me and that he was a happier person after he decided to divorce me. I'm not sharing this to say it isn't fair; I'm happy for him...but I can't help but wonder...could we both have ended up happier if we had ended our relationship years before the heartache?

Thanks for listening.

Hugs and love, my lovelies.

Still surviving,
Amy

Divoce and what happens next...

Okay, dear readers, here comes the next chapter for The Ro Fo Sho! Long story short, my marriage of six and a half years has ended in divorce and I have moved back to Oklahoma. Out of respect for my ex-husband, I will not share the details of what happened except to say that we both failed each other, but that my failures were the ones that we could not recover from. It was an emotionally challenging time for a few months, and I have come a very long way. Over time I will share more about the grieving process for our relationship and how everything that took place affected my depression and was affected by my depression. I did end up in a mental health resource center for a couple of days, and it was an intense eye opening experience that will be very important for me to share about with you all in the future. I'm not sure who might read this, but I understand that I have lost other relationships in my divorce and I realize more people will inevitably exit from my life. Please know that I regret my actions which pushed my ex away and that I never meant to hurt anyone. In my defense, I know I was a good wife and I did the best I possibly could; I gave all of my love and all of my self and energy to try and make our marriage a success. In the end, I am completely confident in saying that I worked hard at our relationship and gave everything that I could. I hope that he and I can someday be friends, but who knows? He seems quite a bit happier without me, and I only wish the very best for him. I'm doing better myself, and I am optimistic for my future and this next chapter. Thank you to everyone who has stuck and will continue to stick with me...and apologies to anyone I let down. My hope is that all of us will continue to be civil, mature, and respectful towards one another. The only way to go from here is forward.

Hugs and love, my lovelies!

Still here,
Amy

"Night Sky"

by Amy

The Ro Fo Sho Art and Photography

Singing with The Judds Instead of Cleaning House...

My favorite days start with my record player, coffee or tea, and sunshine...days where I don't have to be at work until later and I can be lazy and thoughtful in the quiet time when my husband is at work (he has a loud but lovable presence, y'all). I need to be more productive during this time, however, and that's not always the case. I'll usually tidy a bit around the house, but the housewife thing is really not one of my strengths. My ideal productivity would include writing and creating! But...here I've sat for a good ten minutes or so after writing that last sentence just singing along with The Judds on vinyl and snapping photos with my phone to share in this little corner of the internet world! So! Now I need to walk my dog and start getting ready for work, y'all! But first!

Depression update: I'm taking 40 mg of Prozac every morning, and that's it. I stopped taking the Buspar mainly because I can't eat grapefruit while taking it; and that's not working for me anymore; I miss my grapefruit, people!!! The days are up and down as usual, but I've been getting more sunshine, and that makes an enormous different in my mood! My primary thought with regards to mental health is that sometimes the medicines and the therapy simply don't work anymore, and the best way to start feeling better is to just be sick of it...flex those brain muscles and fight around those chemical imbalances and or deficiencies...seriously...adopt the "fuck this shit" attitude! Granted it has taken me 20 years to get here, but maybe if I talk more about it, it won't take so long for others to start improving. And you know what? Over the past couple of years I've started seeing more and more people talking openly about their struggles with mental health, and obviously I think this is incredibly important. My message for a long time has been, "keep the conversation going!" The hashtag is #stigmafree and I love it!

Dang it! I'm on a cognitive roll and want to keep going, but my dog and getting ready for work are on a time limit now. Damn.

Anyway! I have some art to share, but it will have to wait. Hope everyone has a great week!

Hugs and love, my lovelies!

Singing all the time!
Amy

Off

Word of the day (blogging from my cell phone) before attempting to sleep: off. My third day away from work before I return tomorrow and it did not go as planned...I was very simply...off.

Couldn't clean and organize like I had visualized. Couldn't muster the energy to cook any meals. Couldn't move very far from the couch. Now I'm here in bed and feeling the failure of a wasted day.

Off.

This is the reality of a life with mental illness such as mine with clinical depression. I can identify it, acknowledge it, give it the middle finger, and hope for a better tomorrow...sometimes that is all that can be done.

And so I leave you with some art from the previous two days that were wonderful and lovely (the days were wonderful and lovely that is; maybe not the art). The last photo was of a drawing made with light heartedness in mind but can be interpreted as quite applicable for this post as well I must say haha!

(Note: I haven't figured out how to size photos from the Blogger App on my phone so I apologize if they are annoyingly large.)

Hugs and love, my lovelies!

Off
Ro Fo Sho

Congnitive Streaming

There is this constant narrative running in my mind; and I try to have pencil and paper handy at all times, but I don't always have the opportunity to take them out and write my thoughts down. And then I'm sitting here in front of my computer screen with all this shit running through my head and I want to get it all out, and it's freakin' jammed. So I go back over what I wrote and I try to keep the thought going and it comes out disjointed and the backspace button becomes the most popular option. Let's hear it for run on sentences and the word "and!" Jeez.

I made some brunch, started some laundry, brewed some tea, greeted my husband just home from work, and put on some Miles Davis Pandora radio......here I sit once again trying to recall exactly what it is I intended to pluck from my cognitive streaming...

Depression? Art? Dreams? Music? All of it really.

Here is something for now, I suppose...I don't write as often as I should and I haven't been sharing anything about The Ro Fo Sho Art and Photography or how my life with clinical depression as been going. Let's just keep it short and simple...I'm still here, still Ro Fo Sho'in, still creating. The sunshine has been the very best medicine, and I've been spending most of my time outside on my screened in patio, so this is where I will leave y'all for now. Here are some pictures of my outdoor therapy experience...

 

I will hopefully be back a few more times today in between times when I'm trying to be a good housewife and not the hippie chick I fear my husband doesn't like so much ha! 

Hugs and love, my lovelies,

Peace

Amy Ro Fo Sho

Can't Keep Me Down

Oh dear, almost 4 months since I wrote last...I'm so terribly sorry! Jeez I need to be better at this! Well, last I wrote, I shared that I was feeling a slip in my depression and hoping that it wasn't going to evolve into a an all out down slide on the roller coaster. Unfortunately this is indeed what happened. First things first...dear reader, please don't share any of the following with my mama...seriously! She will be so worried and she has enough to deal with right now...I will discuss all of this with her eventually, but I don't want to talk about it over the phone with her; I appreciate your cooperation. Moving on!

Allow me to summarize this progression in bullet form:

* Started feeling the slip 4 months ago
* Felt like medicine wasn't helping enough
* Tried finding a psychiatrist with no luck
* Missed appointment in October
* Ran out of medicine in October (repeat: DO NOT TELL MY MAMA!)
* Symptoms of depression became worse and worse
* Basically had a break down and ended up in the ER the other day
* ER docs gave me some medicine
* Appointment on Wednesday

Good times. My break down happened at work in front of my coworkers by the way...yeah...good times. Ugh. Luckily, my manager was very understanding and knew from personal experience what I was going through...she actually went to the ER with me and was very supportive. My coworkers have been incredibly supportive and encouraging, and I am beyond grateful for that! My manager immediately began trying to cover my shifts, but I told her not to and that I needed to work. I went back to work the next day...eyes still puffy from excessive crying and visibly tired from the emotional toll, but I showed up and I did my job.

So I'll keep this short and simple. I live with depression and anxiety, and it's a bitch...no lie. I got knocked down on my ass and kicked in the ribs. But you better believe I'm stronger and more determined and this darkness will not dim my light. I'm going to keep on Ro Fo Sho-in'!

Still here, dear readers...hugs and love, my lovelies,
Amy...The Ro Fo Sho

Travel Sized Art

I've been writing and creating and dreaming and thinking and planning...my mind is overflowing with ideas and dreams and hopes...and I'm absolutely terrible at getting it all neat and organized. I use to be a champ at making lists...how did I lose this ability? I have no idea, but I hope to reclaim it. Or maybe someday I'll have a personal assistant! Ha! Anyway! My depression has been under control for a good little while now...I still have the down days; but it feels like forever since my last long slump, and I'm grateful for this time. Those of us who live with mental illnesses never know how long the good or the bad might go on. It seems we get sadder and sadder when we're down at the bottom and it feels like we'll never get out. But then there's a kind of anxiety and panic during the good times wondering how long it might last. It's a crazy roller coaster ride; y'all have heard me say that time and time again...I'd link previous posts but I don't feel like it, so I suggest searching if you're interested. This is what I try and tell myself every time: When I'm down, I keep pushing through knowing that it can't last forever. When I'm up, I push the anxiety to the side, and I try to live in the moment and enjoy and relish every drop of that delicious goodness. Down or up...I keep on Ro Fo Sho'in'!

Today, I will be working on bookmarks, and then I'm going to laminate them at work, and then I'm going to sell them! How much would you pay for a one of kind hand made piece of art you can take with you wherever? Travel sized art sounds fun to me! Let me know, dear readers :)

 

This is my dining room table most of the time...completely covered in The Ro Fo Sho Art and Photography shenanigans haha! This is actually a tamed version; composed for a decent photo! Up at the top you'll see some rainbow strips, and those are some simple bookmark ideas I've been working on. I should give myself a deadline for when I need to have my art available to purchase...I can't wait to (hopefully) start spreading it all over the world...awww...I'm in day dreaming mode now, dear ones...time to wrap up.

Keep on Ro Fo Sho'in', my friends and hugs and love, my lovelies!

Love,

Amy

An Angry Side to Depression

Time to confess all of my recent struggles with my depression, dear readers. My medicine wasn't working anymore, and when I ran out, although I put the refill request in, I couldn't bring myself to go and pick them up. Basic living and functioning have become more and more challenging. Anxiety and depression typically go hand in hand, but I never really had problems with it until this last year and a half really...and it's gotten worse and worse, I'm afraid. During these last six months or so, I've developed problems with focusing and concentrating as well. I start projects, chores, or tasks, and I can't finish them...I look around at the mess and chaos and I get overwhelmed. Mindless tasks become my only comfort, but even then, I'm still fidgeting...watching TV while playing a game on my cell phone and rolling silly putty around in my other hand...rewinding the show time and time again because I missed something!

I quit my job. I couldn't handle it. The noise and fast pace just about drove me crazy. And again, I couldn't focus...I can't even tell you how many wine glasses I broke. Normally I can leave my personal problems at the door when I'm on the clock, but I really couldn't keep it together...smiling alone made me want to cry with all the energy it took to fake it. I've found another job, and I start tomorrow...it will be quieter and more easy going I think...I hope...

I've unraveled before in my fight with mental illness. I believe every single one of us will at several points during our journeys. Some times are harder than others...this one has been. It has been one of those times where I have felt extremely alone. Now I know that I'm not...I am blessed with support and encouragement from friends and family from all over! Sometimes that long distance love just isn't enough. And sometimes the people who are physically closest to me can't seem to deal with me during my worst times...I can sense their annoyance and irritation, their lack of understanding and or compassion. Then again, that could be the darkness casting its shadows and distorting reality.

Whatever the case may be, I have recently had thoughts I've rarely had before. Normally, I would never wish my internal war and demons on anyone else! This period of time, however, has stirred up an emotion I avidly try to avoid. Anger. Attitudes toward me have felt dismissive and uncaring...like I've become exhaustive and a burden to be around. Usually I can deal with it...not lately. I have been experiencing resentment towards the people who seem to lack any ounce of empathy. I've been wishing my pain on them...wishing they could walk in my shoes for a while and feel the everything and nothing that I feel! I hate thinking this way, I really do. I wrote a poem about it...I'll share it with you all later. Right now...I don't know what else I can say on this topic. I'm angry, but I know my thoughts are unfair and terrible...I wish it, but I don't...it breaks my heart knowing that millions of us suffer. I wish it, but I don't...no one needs to feel this way.

When I saw my doctor a few days ago, I simply lost it...I couldn't explain anything at all without an endless stream of tears. So here's the newest battle plan! I'll be taking 40mg of Prozac with the addition of 10mg of Buspar, and I will be starting therapy up again soon. The therapy will probably help the most since I'm obviously experiencing more emotions and problems at one time than I have ever had before! Talking with you all has always been a kind of therapy for me, but there are things I can't say here...things that are too personal, you know? I hold back really, and I think that's important for you all to know. I believe in keeping the discussion for mental illness open and honest...our voices need to be heard! But our battles tend to involve details that aren't meant for all of the internet world. For example, I don't want to talk so openly about individuals or relationships which are a part of my story because that could potentially involve other stories that aren't mine to share. You know what I'm saying? I try and share as much as I can, I promise!

Anyway! I'm going to wrap this up, my friends. I'll share that poem with you all soon! Just checking in like I do and giving you all the latest update on my depression. I hope everyone has a great week!

Hugs and love, my lovelies!
Amy

"Non Drowsy" Allergy Medicine...Yeah Right!

So many things on my mind these days. Looking for a new job; researching information on how to get The Ro Fo Sho Art & Photography out to the world; trying to lose weight and be healthier; worrying and thinking of different relationships and how to improve them...the list goes on...

And all the while I'm so tired with my depression, fatigue, allergies, loneliness, lack of energy...

I swear this "non drowsy" allergy medicine has been knocking me out the past few days...I'm fighting it right now. Ugh.

Sliced my finger open last night too! I probably need stitches. Ugh. Funny story actually...it's the same finger I sliced open my sophomore year of college, but this cut is in a different location. I didn't get stitches then either, and I have a faint little scar. This recent wound will more than likely scar as well...it's going to look like I hate my left middle finger! I must admit that I do find it amusing in a juvenile way that I inevitably flip people off showing them my sliced and diced finger...it's the little things. Ha!

Anyway! This medicine makes me feel like a zombie...I keep zoning out and staring at the screen. Okay, I'm giving in...fine then "non drowsy" allergy medicine, you win! My couch is calling...nap time. Hugs and love, my lovelies!

Zzzzzzzz,
Amy

Bits of Beauty

I've been irritated and angry and hurt these last few weeks. I've been hopeful and inspired and motivated. Up, down, sideways, high, low, and upside down. Laughter and tears. Confidence and insecurity. Sense of success and fear of failure. Unwanted and not needed...rolled over and dismissed. Uncertain and tired. Pleased and let down. Alone.

My head and my heart hurt. Is this is a slump in my life with depression? Have I become cynical? Are the demons winning, or are the angels exhausted from fighting?

I don't know anymore...we'll see what happens next. Here is some art in progress and some bits of beauty and yummy foods and time with friends...

Dear readers, please hang in there on this roller coaster ride...believe in better days and happier relationships and luck and blessings. Hopefully I'll get out of this funk soon! Hugs and love, my lovelies!

Always,
Amy

p.s. Feel free to follow me on Instagram - amyrofosho : ) I would say I am the most consistent there in regards to social media and this little corner of the Internet.

Donald Trump, Gun Control, and Mental Illness...Throw down...

Alrightythen! The holiday season has passed, and it's a brand spanking new year! (Just in case y'all didn't notice...hahahaha...haha...ha...ha). Anywho! Dang...my spellcheck has lots of red squiggly lines going on back there...oh well...writing rules are meant to be broken! Moving on!

There are several things I would like to talk about, but I'm going to narrow it down to three for now and hop up on my soap box...

Donald Trump is a hateful excuse for a human being, and I find it deeply disturbing how many supporters he has!!! I don't have the energy, or inclination really, to start a political debate or discussion; I just want to say one thing. If you are an individual who thinks that The United States of America should ban Muslims, you're a dirt bag (to put it mildly and refrain from the enormous amount of cursing I would prefer). You are ignorant and hateful; and you better keep your opinions to yourself because I will tear you a new one since I'm obviously leaps and bounds more intelligent and decent than you are.

Gun control. Does anyone else find it at all scary that so many people are against stricter and more background checks? That after President Obama's address, a bunch of people went out and bought guns today? I know "so many" and "a bunch" aren't scientific measurements...I'm not trying to discuss statistics and the details of it all. I'm just saying that there seem to be quite a few people who are worried that they aren't going to get to buy their guns because of their background checks...these people probably shouldn't have any freakin' guns!!! Gun show vendors are angry for the potential decrease in sales because of these checks...ummm...why the fuck??? Sorry...I just had to let my dirty mouth go a second. If you can't pass a background check, you shouldn't own a fucking gun!!! Sorry again.

We talk about mental health here in this little corner of the internet world...it's our thing, y'all know. So of course I'm a big fan of the funding going towards mental health...it sucks that it takes people shooting other people to bring mental illness into the spotlight, but after the fact, maybe those of us who suffer our own illnesses but don't plan on hurting ourselves or others might have a louder voice in the open. And those who are struggling with the thoughts of hurting themselves and others might feel a little less lonely and more comfortable talking to their doctors about what they are going through before they act out violently.

Okay, so that's just a summary of my thoughts on those things...Donald Trump is a piece of shit (sorry); I like guns and support people owning guns, but not people who can't pass background checks; and yes yes yes, let's keep talking about mental health in the media!!!

Thanks for putting up with me getting a little political today, my friends! I have several goals for 2016, and one of them is to definitely write more ;)

Hugs and love, my lovelies!
Amy

Quiet Peaceful Day and Night

Blogging from my phone but not using the blogger app...so we'll see how this goes! Today was gray and rainy from the beginning and on...and I loved it! I watched episodes of Doctor Who and ate Eggo waffles and drank French vanilla coffee. A friend reached out to me from a dark place in her depression and I hope I gave her some comfort; I tried my best...words can only do so much as we all know. Tonight, I listened to my Beth Hart (Better Than Home) record and then my Miles Davis (Some Kind of Blues) record...ending with jazz on Pandora radio. Most of the lights were off and my candles and incense were lit...green mint tea in my Doctor Who teapot...the rain still chiming lightly and quietly along with my music...peace and relaxation...and A Beautiful Mess Happy Mail for inspiration and encouragement. Tonight was quiet...the first time I've really been alone in a long time with my friend and roommate on her way to California and my husband at work standing duty...just Kakashi and me. My day was simply peaceful...and so be it the word of the day! My friend had an extremely tough day with her depression and it always breaks my heart when those I love suffer...I hope she finds rest tonight and a brighter tomorrow. And for all of you who might have also had a terrible day with your mental illness, hugs and love from me, my lovelies...I'll keep praying for better days for all of you. Remember the things you loved to do before your depression? I know it's difficult making the effort to do those things again...but it really does help if you can. Maybe you use to sing or dance to the radio...or read outside or play guitar...try to find pleasure in them once more. I usually stray from doing any kind of art during my down days...sometimes months go by before I pick up a pastel or paintbrush. But when I start again, I always wonder why I stayed away from it for so long! Art makes me so incredibly happy...even if I'm expressing something angry or sad, I love having an outlet for my emotions; an outlet that is fun and fulfilling. Anyway...just wanted to throw that out there and share some pics of my night with jazz, tea, and art...

Goodnight, dear readers,
Amy

The Discussion Stays Open...

I've been working quite a bit...doing the housewife thing during the day and then going to my new job at night. My focus and energy have been on the new job, so my house work has most definitely suffered...still trying to find the right balance. So far I want to sleep as late as possible, then watch TV and be as lazy as possible, then get ready for work and go...this is obviously not going to be beneficial in any way. In addition to balancing paid work and house work, I need to make time for my art and for writing! Sprinkle in some depression and fatigue...well...y'all know the challenge...

Speaking of which! A couple of my very best of friends have been experiencing depression recently and the question I've gotten from both of them is, "How do you live feeling like this?" I know the initial weight when first confronting depression...the confusion and sadness and hopelessness and utter heart break...the tears and anger. It absolutely shatters me knowing that people I love are experiencing these emotions! And I wish I could give advice and answers that could crash through their darkness like the most intense ray of light imaginable! How have I lived the last 17 years of my life? Three factors. My mama has been on this journey with me since the beginning. The onslaught of emotions that left me staggering in soul wrenching bewilderment were very quickly identified by my mama...she knew exactly what was happening to me because she had been through it herself, so I've always had her support and guidance. The other two factors are a bit of a disappointment to hear, but the truth sometimes is...time and experience. I have had over a decade and a half to figure out how to live my life with an almost constant presence of darkness...a lingering shadow that has become a dark companion you could say...I've made wrong and right choices and decisions while in it's company, and I have learned what works and doesn't work. Drinking excessively does not work. Sleeping for days does not work. Shutting people out does not work. Opening all the blinds and letting light in helps. Talking about my feelings with a good friend or family member helps. Eating good healthy foods and taking walks in the sunshine help. Keep in mind, even though I know what I should and shouldn't do, it doesn't mean I always follow my own advice. But, it will be different for each individuals journey. I will keep writing about it and talking about it openly...I will continue to be encouraging...I will continue to share my ups and downs...the discussion stays open here.

I will find a balance in my life, and I will make a genuine effort to write much more...I'm so sorry for the long periods of silence! I know y'all understand how it goes with mental illness, but I believe I live with this for a purpose...my purpose is to be a voice. To dismiss stigmas and misunderstanding and to force people to confront it and talk about it. And, I don't mean every once in a while; I mean constantly!

Alrightythen! Well! I wasn't sure which direction this was going to go when I started writing, but the passion for this topic suddenly became overwhelming! My thoughts seemed to flow effortlessly from my mind to my fingertips on this keyboard...thank you for listening, dear ones.

Being able to talk openly about my life with y'all is a part of my treatment...it's something that helps heal me. I am grateful that you take time to read and understand...

Hugs and love, my lovelies,
Amy

Damn Down Days...

Ugh. I had a decent amount written up, but somehow it did not save...it's all gone...and I don't have the energy to try and remember and retype it all. So instead, I'm going to bombard y'all with pictures...a summary of sorts from my birthday weekend...

There you go...33 and a red head again...good times! Shout out to Bri, Elizabeth, Stephany, Danielle, Lyssa, my bonus family, and my beloved for the gifts, and treats, and well wishes...y'all made me feel loved!

I'm so blah right now!!! I have this uneasy sinking feeling in my stomach right now, and I can't figure it out. I've started training for a new job that I was initially extremely excited about...now I don't know if I'm nervous or afraid of failing or just plain uncomfortable. I wish I could figure it out. I kind of just want to cry...I feel like how I usually do when my depression is dominating in my life. It's just this feeling of...dread...I can't stand it! Do any of you ever feel like that? Anyone have any secret magical fixes or cures?

Three and a half hours until I have to be at work for training...all I want to do is curl up and sleep. The word of the day is definitely down.

Hope y'all are having a much better day...hugs and love, my lovelies!

Still kickin'!
The Ro Fo Sho

Keep Talking

It's been four days since my public display of misery, and...I'm just...seriously just in awe of the responses I've received! I knew y'all would lift me up, and I swear, your prayers and thoughts are doing work...like a troop of invisible warriors helping my soul fight the darkness inside me! I'm feeling better every day, and I'm feeling more optimistic...my attitude is bolstered by your kindness, dear ones! I wish that all those who suffer with depression and other mental illnesses could have people like you all in their lives...it's heart breaking thinking about the ones who suffer alone. I know I don't even have to ask, but just in case, please remember to keep all who live with depression and such in mind.

A friend of mine asked what I did this past weekend, and I told him that I dealt with crippling sorrow and wrote about it on my blog and talked with friends and family who reached out to me after reading it. He said, "Don't be sad! Just be happy!" Of course, I explained that the chemicals in my brain need more than words for that to happen and that writing about it and sharing it helped me feel better, but it's only a part of the path towards healing. I don't believe he was trying to be mean, but he did ask if I talked about it so much because I wanted the attention. My response was that I don't need the attention, but the topic needs attention. I need support and love and encouragement from the people in my life on a personal level. Depression and mental illness need attention and conversation because it's a widespread situation, and the only time we hear anything about it is when a celebrity commits suicide or a pilot crashes a plane!

I've been told by several people that I am brave to speak so openly about my life with clinical depression...hearing that gives me somewhat of a greater resolve to keep on doing it, but it is mostly very humbling. The stigma and fear society attaches to this topic isn't fair! It shouldn't have to be brave to have an open dialogue, it should be normal and accepted to discuss what we live with just like someone would with cancer or diabetes and other diseases. Living with mental illness doesn't make me less or inadequate...I'm not a mistake of nature; I shouldn't feel like an outcast! Luckily for me, I don't feel these things, but I know it's not the case for most people. Should anyone ever tell me that maybe I should be a little quieter and maybe not talk about it so much, well, I'll only get louder and maybe even throw up a middle finger if I'm feeling feisty!

I know I sound better to you all, and I do feel better. But please understand that it takes time to find and feel the light again...and I'm no where close to being completely there yet! Right now, my couch looks so inviting, and I love the peacefulness of sleep. However, I'm going to take Kakashi out to the pond and write a bit in my notebook. What I'm trying to get across here is that even the littlest of choices like deciding between a nap and a walk in the sunlight can be tough. Some of you might decide to just stay on the couch or in bed and some of you might summon the energy to get up. Every day will be a challenge. I want to feel good again, and at least for today, I'm going to go sit outside in the sunshine.

Thank you again, dear readers, for staying with me on this journey...I'm here for you too! Email me if you need or want to talk - amyrofosho@gmailcom.

Hugs and love, my lovelies!
Amy

Here are a couple of photos of one of my favorite spots and of a poem I wrote yesterday.

Trying Something Different...

Hello, dear ones, I'm going to try something different here, and I'm not sure what to expect. Here's the deal...remember how last time I was talking about walking the tightrope at this time in my depression? Well, I fell off sometime soon after that entry...stumbled tumbled and crashed...and I've been wrecked since then. I turned to alcohol for a while, but that made it worse of course since alcohol is a depressant. I'm a smart woman...I knew drinking was a stupid solution...but it was a temporary numbness. I haven't been doing that for a bit now, so please don't be worrying on that front, y'all! Every day is a struggle, my friends!

However! I have been pushing through. I get up every day and wash my face and get dressed; sometimes I put make up on haha! I've applied for several jobs, and every day I'm on the hunt and applying for more. I did some research and found a psychiatrist in my area with whom I have an appointment with on Tuesday. I contacted my primary care doctor and told him I was struggling, and he and his office have been really great about keeping in touch with me and making sure my insurance is taken care of with the psychiatrist's office. I take Kakashi on several walks every day; and every day that the weather is nice, which is most of the time, I take him to the pond to let him run around. I sit at the picnic table and soak up the sunshine; I'll write or text or play games on my phone with friends. I make myself good and healthy meals and I've been doing a little bit of exercise. Still taking my medicine every day. Still praying all the time. Still believing and waiting for the time that I know will come when I can start to see the light again...I'm putting optimism and positivity out in to the universe. I promise you all I am doing EVERYTHING I KNOW I SHOULD BE DOING!

It's like that Sex and the City episode where Charlotte takes Carrie along to a relationship self help type of motivational speaker who preaches about positive affirmations and such. It's a seminar of sorts and during the question portion, Charlotte asks how long will it take with daily affirmations before she starts seeing some results, and the speaker tells her that she's probably not believing enough or putting herself out there enough. When Charlotte insists that she is, she most definitely IS, the speaker continues to say she needs to do more! Carrie grabs the microphone, feeling frustrated for Charlotte, and says, "Trust me! She's out there; she's WAY out there!" So please think of that when I say, I really am doing all that I can do.

I have 3 friends here and a couple of acquaintances. But, each of them have much more than what I have...nearby family, other friends, and jobs to fill their lives with. They are the only people I have while my husband is away...they are the people I look to for comfort and strength...they are my number one people right now. But, I am not a number one for them, and I'm not saying that with self pity. I'm saying that because I'm a realistic person, and I know they have lives and I don't right now; I'm in a limbo of sorts.

So what I'm saying is I'm alone and I'm struggling and I don't know what else I can do. Don't worry...often times hopelessness of this sort leads to tragic and permanent actions...I'm will not go there...NEVER GO THERE! I wish my grandma could be here with me; I mean I know she is in spirit, but if I go to dinner with grandma's spirit, people might look at me funny during my conversations with her...hahaha..ha...ha. I want my mama and my sister, even my dad and my brother. I want my really close friends. I can't leave...I can't go anywhere...I have to get a job, and I absolutely must stay focused on that!

I'm grateful to have so many prayer warriors in my life and people who are also putting positivity and optimism out in the universe for me, people who send their love and well wishes, people who keep me in their thoughts and are here for me in spirit at the very least. I know when I share this, all of you wonderful people, will start lifting me up, so I want to thank you already...because I know I can already count on your love and support. Thank you thank you thank you! In your thoughts and prayers and well wishes, could you please ask that some family or some friends could come here to Florida and be with me...I just want someone here to talk to, to go to the beach with, to have dinner with. I know it's a crazy request, but like I said, I'm doing everything I know I should be doing, but there is no relief in sight. I just need something to go well for me...I need something good.

Here I am. This is embarrassing for me. This is difficult for me. I'm literally baring my heart and soul to the public, and up until I hit "publish" I'm struggling with if I should share this much. I suppose I should...no telling how many of you are out there crying alone in your homes everyday...if you are, I'm so so sooo sorry you are feeling this way too. The best I can say now, at this point, is to maybe do what I'm doing...when you can't think of anything else to do, reach out and see what happens.

Thank you, for listening dear ones...I'm already feeling a little bit better knowing that I'm not keeping this all inside anymore. Those of you who don't struggle with depression and mental illness, I know this is a difficult thing for y'all to understand; I only ask for compassion. Those of you who know very well what this suffering is like, I'm lifting you up too...I'm hoping and praying for you all as well!

Hugs and love, my lovelies!
Keeping it real about depression, Amy

Tightrope Walking

Good afternoon, dear readers! I suppose I'll start with a word for the day...let's see...hmmm...unbalanced; that will work. I'm still walking this tightrope portion of my depression, and I've been wavering and teetering the whole time. I haven't fallen completely off, but I've clung to the line with eyes closed and not wanting to look or move. Sometimes I get a few steps ahead and am happy with my grace and progression, but I've still got a long way to go. This unbalanced section of the journey is truly exhausting, though, and I feel like I'm sleeping my life away! But I'm up now, and I have things to do, so I just have to keep pushing myself. Hopefully I find a job soon!

Moving on! I've left y'all hanging in my last couple of posts saying I would elaborate on a particular subject more, but I've yet to do that! So I'm just going to play catch up right now...

When I wrote about my practically perfect weekend, I mentioned thinking about my grandma. I started to write about it, but decided to save it for later; so I'm going to copy and paste what I began to share:

...practically perfect weekend, but by the time all of my company had left, I was confronted and left alone with the thought that had been lingering and waiting for my attention when I would no longer be distracted. "I want to call Grandma." I called her often but especially when the weather was nice or when a big football game was on, and I just couldn't help but feel that need for communication more intensely than ever since she's been gone. It struck me like a ton of bricks and I was gasping with grief through heavy heavy sobs...it was one of the most heart wrenching moments I've had since being back in Florida, and the first one without family close by for comfort.

I can think back on it now without feeling so intensely the lonely place her absence has left me in, but the memory of that sudden onslaught of sorrow stays vividly present like a similar wave might crush me at any moment. I miss my grandma so very very much...that's just the simplicity of it. I know I always will, but right now, while it's still new and tender, it just sucks...that's it...it just freakin' sucks.

When I wrote about my wonderfully inspiring night, I told y'all I would elaborate more later. Well, now I don't feel like recounting the conversations I had with a couple of inspiring individuals, so sorry 'bout that haha! What I will share is that after those dialogues, I was geared up and ready to go back to school! I've made this declaration so many times before I can't even guess a number; and obviously I never did make it back! Maybe this time, if I don't tell you about it right away, I'll actually do it and therefore update y'all when it actually happens...ummm...IF it actually happens. But here's the skinny on my brainstorm; I love writing, art, and photography, and so I feel like if I learn more and become more qualified in specific areas, I might actually find a profession I can live with while still chasing the dream of being a successful freelance artist and writer/be my own boss. We'll see what happens...I'll keep y'all updated ;)

Alrightythen, I'm going to go ahead and wrap this one up and start on a couple of more posts for y'all...standby for a discussion on deployment and a discussion on Fifty Shades of Grey...aww, do I have your attention? Haha! I'll leave you with a little collage of my face to showcase my new hair color...please excuse my tired appearance and disorder of my hair. Later, darlings, and hugs and love, my lovelies!

Peace
The Ro Fo Sho

Wonderfully Inspiring Night

Word of the day: progress. It took me a little while to get going today, and I had to make it through a few excuses, but I eventually got up and fixed my hair and makeup and ran some errands. My groceries were mostly veggies and I'm eager to use the Magic Bullet my husband got me for Christmas; I WILL lose this weight! I bought a cheap little printer and some paper so that I can print out my different resumes and cover letters; I WILL have a job soon! Last night I went to the Art Walk on the Beach to scout the area for potential places I might like to work and to see what kind of art the local artists around here are doing...it was a truly lovely night. My sweet friend, Elizabeth, came along with me and after walking along in the chilly weather we stopped by our bar, Lynch's,  to warm up and drink a couple of beers. I'll share more about the night with y'all later; I just wanted to mention it because it was a wonderfully inspiring night! I went to sleep and woke up with a fresh surge of ambition and determination and ideas! Well anywho! Just wanted to check in with y'all;  I'll give you more details on how the night enlightened me next time I write. Dear readers, I hope you are having more up days than down days!

Hugs and love, my lovelies
Amy Ro Fo Sho

The following photo is one that my brother's girlfriend sent me today...just a beautiful snapshot and message to let me know that they were thinking of me. I thought it was incredibly kind. Amber, you are too sweet and most definitely a treasure. Thank you again, darlin'!