"When in doubt, take a nap."

Y'all know how depression goes...ups and downs...it's a constant motion. My up time has lasted so long this round; one of the longest periods of time where I have genuinely felt GOOD! I have been feeling a little slip these last few days, but I'm staying hopeful that it's not necessarily an impending down slide. It's probably a combination of things...allow me to list them please:

1. I miss my family terribly.
2. I miss my friends terribly.
3. I'm working more hours.
4. I'm trying to be the best wife.
5. I'm trying to be a best friend.
6. I'm stressing over finances.
7. I'm stressing over The Ro Fo Sho Art and Photography.
8. I'm about to start my period (sorry male readers).

I THINK I'M SIMPLY OVERWHELMED! I've loaded up my plate with goals and ambitions, and I've set my bar high, and I'm already fearing failure. Failure. There's that trigger! Anyway! Y'all don't need to worry about me; I'll be fine. It's important for me to share that not every day is sunshine and roses...we must keep pushing forward.

I feel stuck with my art business...I don't know how to price my pieces, how to package them nicely for presentation and archival purposes, how to get the best reproductions made...I don't know how to do any of this. It will take time and I need to be patient and keep researching...I know this...but I'm really so damn impatient! Agh! Sigh...it's going to be okay.

For now I'll leave you with one of my favorite A Beautiful Mess Happy Mail pieces and a quick Prisma Color Nupastel drawing from a few nights ago called, "The Blue Lady."

There it is, dear readers...just feeling a little blue these days...and ready for a nap! Happy Tuesday!

Hugs and love, my lovelies,
The Ro Fo Sho

"Rainbows On Her Soles"

Well, helloooooo! (Please tell me some of you read that in a Mrs. Doubtfire voice?!) Jeez Louise it's been about 3 and a half months...holy moly! Sorry again for abandoning this little corner of the internet...for the zillionth time...ugh. But, hey! It's going to get better! Let me tell you why. So, after my last entry (An Angry Side to Depression), my struggles kind of...ummm morphed and thinned and bubbled up and over...I was basically all over the place emotionally. Stressed from my new job, still feeling anger and resentment, drained and dragging through every day. It was the first week in May when I just lost it for a few days. Truth be told, I screwed up with some of my prescriptions...as in I called them in and didn't pick them up on time...and my anxiety got a strong hold of me...like a vice around my soul and my heart...squeezing me to the point where it hurt to breathe and the tears came in floods completely uncontrolled. Depression and anxiety can make you feel crazy, and I tell y'all what, I was feeling like the craziest of crazies! I missed 3 days of work and I slept and slept and slept. I've said it before and I'll say it again...we don't always have to fight it...we are allowed to be weak...it's okay to keep the blinds and our eyes closed sometimes. But, again, like I also always say, we can't stay there very long or it can overwhelm us. So, I got my medicine and I got myself to work and I listened to my music and I created my art and I put my fists back up in the air on guard ready to fight the shadow again...and I've been fighting, my friends. I've been "Ro Fo Sho-ing!" that asshole darkness what's up and who's boss! Hell yeah! I'm going to try and make that a phrase for all of us living with mental illness..."Ro Fo Sho" with me, y'all...meaning keep fighting and don't ever give up...keep on "Ro Fo Sho-ing!" I think I'll make t-shirts haha! So! When I first created this blog, it was supposed to to be about my life with depression but also about my art...because my art comes from my life...and it's my therapy too...and like my story, I want to share my art with the world. Get ready... The Ro Fo Sho Art & Photography is officially on it's way...more details to come. And thanks for sticking with me, dear readers!

Hugs and love, my lovelies, and keep on Ro Fo Sho-ing!

Love and Peace,
The Ro Fo Sho

"Rainbows On Her Soles"

by Amy

(lyrics from Beth Hart's "By Her")

Trying Something Different...

Hello, dear ones, I'm going to try something different here, and I'm not sure what to expect. Here's the deal...remember how last time I was talking about walking the tightrope at this time in my depression? Well, I fell off sometime soon after that entry...stumbled tumbled and crashed...and I've been wrecked since then. I turned to alcohol for a while, but that made it worse of course since alcohol is a depressant. I'm a smart woman...I knew drinking was a stupid solution...but it was a temporary numbness. I haven't been doing that for a bit now, so please don't be worrying on that front, y'all! Every day is a struggle, my friends!

However! I have been pushing through. I get up every day and wash my face and get dressed; sometimes I put make up on haha! I've applied for several jobs, and every day I'm on the hunt and applying for more. I did some research and found a psychiatrist in my area with whom I have an appointment with on Tuesday. I contacted my primary care doctor and told him I was struggling, and he and his office have been really great about keeping in touch with me and making sure my insurance is taken care of with the psychiatrist's office. I take Kakashi on several walks every day; and every day that the weather is nice, which is most of the time, I take him to the pond to let him run around. I sit at the picnic table and soak up the sunshine; I'll write or text or play games on my phone with friends. I make myself good and healthy meals and I've been doing a little bit of exercise. Still taking my medicine every day. Still praying all the time. Still believing and waiting for the time that I know will come when I can start to see the light again...I'm putting optimism and positivity out in to the universe. I promise you all I am doing EVERYTHING I KNOW I SHOULD BE DOING!

It's like that Sex and the City episode where Charlotte takes Carrie along to a relationship self help type of motivational speaker who preaches about positive affirmations and such. It's a seminar of sorts and during the question portion, Charlotte asks how long will it take with daily affirmations before she starts seeing some results, and the speaker tells her that she's probably not believing enough or putting herself out there enough. When Charlotte insists that she is, she most definitely IS, the speaker continues to say she needs to do more! Carrie grabs the microphone, feeling frustrated for Charlotte, and says, "Trust me! She's out there; she's WAY out there!" So please think of that when I say, I really am doing all that I can do.

I have 3 friends here and a couple of acquaintances. But, each of them have much more than what I have...nearby family, other friends, and jobs to fill their lives with. They are the only people I have while my husband is away...they are the people I look to for comfort and strength...they are my number one people right now. But, I am not a number one for them, and I'm not saying that with self pity. I'm saying that because I'm a realistic person, and I know they have lives and I don't right now; I'm in a limbo of sorts.

So what I'm saying is I'm alone and I'm struggling and I don't know what else I can do. Don't worry...often times hopelessness of this sort leads to tragic and permanent actions...I'm will not go there...NEVER GO THERE! I wish my grandma could be here with me; I mean I know she is in spirit, but if I go to dinner with grandma's spirit, people might look at me funny during my conversations with her...hahaha..ha...ha. I want my mama and my sister, even my dad and my brother. I want my really close friends. I can't leave...I can't go anywhere...I have to get a job, and I absolutely must stay focused on that!

I'm grateful to have so many prayer warriors in my life and people who are also putting positivity and optimism out in the universe for me, people who send their love and well wishes, people who keep me in their thoughts and are here for me in spirit at the very least. I know when I share this, all of you wonderful people, will start lifting me up, so I want to thank you already...because I know I can already count on your love and support. Thank you thank you thank you! In your thoughts and prayers and well wishes, could you please ask that some family or some friends could come here to Florida and be with me...I just want someone here to talk to, to go to the beach with, to have dinner with. I know it's a crazy request, but like I said, I'm doing everything I know I should be doing, but there is no relief in sight. I just need something to go well for me...I need something good.

Here I am. This is embarrassing for me. This is difficult for me. I'm literally baring my heart and soul to the public, and up until I hit "publish" I'm struggling with if I should share this much. I suppose I should...no telling how many of you are out there crying alone in your homes everyday...if you are, I'm so so sooo sorry you are feeling this way too. The best I can say now, at this point, is to maybe do what I'm doing...when you can't think of anything else to do, reach out and see what happens.

Thank you, for listening dear ones...I'm already feeling a little bit better knowing that I'm not keeping this all inside anymore. Those of you who don't struggle with depression and mental illness, I know this is a difficult thing for y'all to understand; I only ask for compassion. Those of you who know very well what this suffering is like, I'm lifting you up too...I'm hoping and praying for you all as well!

Hugs and love, my lovelies!
Keeping it real about depression, Amy

Keeping It Real With Depression

Good day to you, dear ones! I've been home just a couple of days shy of two weeks, and I have been struggling. Missing my grandma in every moment of silence and free thinking; worrying about my family and all the conflicts present; heartbroken for friends with pains I understand all too well; dealing with insecurities and uncertainties in my personal life...so much negativity! The dark shadows of my depression are fiercer and more menacing these days, and it's exhausting having to hold them back while trying to keep my balance on this tight rope I'm walking...over and through this soul sucking bunch of muck! Ugh. So sorry to start off so dismal. Unfortunately, I'm simply keeping it real. This is living with clinical depression and other mental illnesses. I've been doing it for more than half of my life, as y'all know, so I'm fortunate enough to be self aware and knowledgeable about exactly what I need to do to win against these constant battles...

All of my blinds are open and the sunlight is shining bright all over my home. I'm drinking water infused with cucumber, mint, lemon, and orange, and I started my day with a walk and a healthy breakfast. Writing and sharing this with you on my blog is my favorite kind of therapy in dealing with my illness. I'm going to run errands today because I simply can't put them off any longer, and I know that doing so will help me feel better just by being in motion. And! I'm looking forward to spending time with my friends this weekend!

Okay, so I've typed it all out...now it's about getting up and doing these things! So there y'all go...a typical day of a person struggling with depression...let's see if I can do this! All of my readers with mental illnesses, today, just see if you can do something good for yourself; and as always, hugs and love, my lovelies!

Love,
Amy

(random photo of the day...of night time...but still good for the day too...yeah!)

Dark Days

I'm taking a little break from my photographic summary series to talk with y'all a little more openly about how my battle with depression has been going recently. First, I want to say sorry for not talking about the dark days as much as I should have been talking about them. When I read back over what I've written before on the subject, it comes off like a motivational poster or generic words of inspiration...and I never wanted to sound like that! What I've said is true and has absolutely been motivation and inspiration for me on this journey! But after reading those words and phrases again, while trying to view them from a different perspective than my own, I was reminded of a totally different kind of experience that we all go through in our lives.

We all get our hearts broken in one way or another. Our friends and family quickly rally with words of comfort and compassion, and we begin to hear the same kinds of phrases over and over. My favorites fall on the topic of time: "Time heals." "Time will mend." "It's going to take some time." "Be patient, time will tell." And honestly, time is the truth of the matter. There can be a countless number of variables that could help and heal the situation...but the constant is time. However, we don't want to hear it when we're hurting. It sounds like complete bull shit! After a hearing it a million times, you want to start punching people or screaming at people! It's straight up annoying! And it's only after time has passed and we've made it through our trials that we look back and realize, "Yes. I just needed time."

So that is the place I'm coming from when I write the things I do about depression. I only found comfort in those words after I made it through the dark. Basically, the truth was realized on the other side of suffering. Does that make sense? I really hope it does! What I'm trying to say is that maybe my words of encouragement make you want to strangle me and scream at me, and I totally understand, so it's okay! When you're on the other side of it, you'll discover the truth. Unfortunately, being on the other side of suffering doesn't mean you're going to stay there. Depression is the no fun roller coaster ride. For me though, and I hope this for everyone, when I stumble back into the dark, I use those once useless words to help me recover again.

Get up, Amy. Open the blinds, Amy. Don't go back to sleep, Amy. You know this is just a temporary down, Amy. You know you will get through this and feel better again, Amy. Talk to your doctor, Amy. Talk to the ones who love you, Amy. Read or draw or have dinner with friends, Amy. Sing or write, Amy. Email Tom, Amy. Don't eat so much junk, Amy. Walk outside in the sunshine, Amy. Get out of the house, Amy. Get up, Amy.

These words have been ongoing in my head for about a month and a half now. A lot of changes, several obstacles, one problem after another, the long absences of my husband, and the days of loneliness have taken a major toll. It's been hard to get on my feet and stay there. This round on the depression roller coaster has been full of severe ups and downs. I can't tell you how many days I literally stayed on the couch sleeping or watching TV. I had an up day where I was trying to make friends with new people via social networking, but fell again and dropped out of the conversations. I've been doing better, but I tell y'all what, this has been a rough one...I get up and do the things I tell myself to do...but I can feel a physical resistance. The shadow of depression seems solid and combative...I feel like I'm exerting so much energy just to push against it. And I'm tired. So tired. Two of my very good friends spent last weekend with me, and it was such a fun time and I loved not feeling so lonely! After they left, I felt like I could sleep for a week. I wasn't pretending to be happy when they were here, but I was certainly fighting to feel that happiness and enjoy it while that dark shadow was trying to squish it.

I have an appointment with a new doctor coming up soon. I'm eating well and trying to stay active. And yes, I'm still taking my anti depressants. The words of encouragement and motivation are on repeat in my thoughts. I know that this is just a slump, a down time in the fight when it feels like depression is winning. And I know I've written very similar words before. But I also know that I'll get through it because I always do...and I will always ALWAYS be the one that wins the battles.

Stay strong and hugs and love, my lovelies!
Love always,
Amy...The Ro Fo Sho

p.s. Daisies make me happy :)

Depression Derailment II

It's been 2 months! How did that happen?! Oh my goodness...I fail. I do apologize...I know I said before that I would not be absent for long periods of time anymore...but it's been a very stressful couple of months. Crazy, hard, challenging, and consuming couple of months.

Here's the scoop. Depression derailment. Ugh...y'all have heard about it from me before right here. It's not a case of my meds this time...I'll explain it more in depth to y'all later. I just wanted to check in today and say, "Hi, I'm still here!" My life basically went from limbo, to transition, to arriving at a new place with a load of problems and obstacles to deal with on my own...while trying to settle into a new home...a frustrating and utterly exhausting experience!

I'm going to summarize the last couple of months with some picture posts...each post shall be called "a photographic summary;" with minimal dialogue...only because there's so much to say and I don't have the energy to type it...pictures are more fun anyway! I'll try and start that tomorrow :)

Okay...I'm super tired...meant to go to bed earlier, but really wanted to reach out here first. I wish I had some words of wisdom or something silly to share, but my brain is empty this time. I'm getting back to my old self though...so hang in there with me, dear ones! I'll leave y'all with a little glimpse of what life looked like a little more than a month ago...chaos!

Goodnight and hugs and love, my lovelies!

Still here!
Amy

May is Mental Health Month...Why didn't I know this?!

We're more than halfway through the month, and I just found out today that May is Mental Health Month. I've also learned that May is "fill in the blank month" for several other topics. Initially I felt like I had messed up by not making mental health a more dominant conversation here on The Ro Fo Sho. Then, I realized that with all of the other subjects of the month out there, that it's actually a good example of how this topic seems to get lost in the mix! I remember reading a single column segment in a magazine once about celebrities talking more publicly about their personal struggles with mental illness, and I can't think of another time the matter was addressed again!

On The View today, Chicago Bears Wide Receiver, Brandon Marshall, shared his battle with mental illness. Brandon Marshall discusses the Brandon Marshall Foundation, and his mission to end the stigma attached to mental illness. This is the synopsis you can read on The View's website. What stories could other celebrities and athletes have to share?

On the 12 o'clock news today, I learned that yesterday there was a run on the Virginia Beach Oceanfront for depression and suicide awareness! I had no idea this was going on!!! Will there be other events to drive awareness?

I now know that there is so much more I need to do to be an effective part of the discussion on mental illness. I'm not a celebrity, an athlete, or someone prominent in the public eye. I'm just an every day woman with clinical depression. I want to also be a part of Brandon's mission "to end the stigma attached to mental illness." I've tried to encourage my readers to talk about their struggles and to not feel like they can't share their illnesses for fear of judgement or becoming an outcast. Now I need to do more research on foundations, resources, events to drive awareness, and places to find support.

This is my last week at work before we move to Florida and I find a new job. I've already shared my plans for The Ro Fo Sho, but I'd also like to say that I will be working on this blog and the topic of mental illness, specifically depression, to provide more information for you, my dear readers. Whenever I read an article or watch a news blip on this subject, I feel like I don't read or hear about it again until an individual has reached the brink. Bullying, cancer, the dangers of smoking, and so many other issues are prominently addressed in the media everywhere we look. I believe that the subject of mental health concerns should be just as prominent and not just when something negative brings attention to it.

Any ideas or contributions y'all would like to make would be greatly appreciated!

The metaphor about the caterpillar becoming the butterfly is definitely well known...and probably used way too often! I for one appreciate the caterpillar. She's sturdy. She's lovely without being fragile. She hasn't yet become what she's destined to be, but she's not just lounging around waiting. She's moving and eating and traveling...she's checking out nature and feeling the warmth of the sun and resting in the coolness of the shade. She's living.

I hope that makes sense to y'all! If not, thanks for putting up with me anyway! Haha! Hugs and love my lovelies!

Love,
Amy

p.s. I don't know if this little cutie becomes a butterfly lol...sorry I'm no expert here! I don't even know if all caterpillars become butterflies or not! If they do, well that's awesome! If not, well, like I said...I love caterpillars!

Another Update...Because That's Just What I Do! Ha!

My lovely dears, it’s time for another depression update! Here’s a short summary in list form…because lists are cool.

Was doing really really well.

Triggers sent me falling back down.

Struggled and coped badly.

Got worse.

Got irritated with myself.

Remembered how great it was to feel the way I did before.

Back on track.

Getting better.

Seeing that happy light again.

It sounds so simple in list form, doesn’t it? All of us who struggle with mental illnesses know that the word “simple” will never be used to describe the fights we battle! The little side notes to my list would include damaging relationships, drinking excessively, making bad decisions, eating through sadness, and so on and so on. But you want to know what I realized through this last bumpy ride off the tracks? Of course you do! I have been dealing with depression (as far back as I can remember anyway) for exactly half of my life thus far. What? Seriously? Half my life. It shocked me. My own electrotherapy we could say…hahaha…not really.

So! I can’t even count the number of times I’ve fallen all the way down to the belly of the beast. I’ve lost track of how often I’ve had to find my way (with the help of friends, family, doctors, medicines, and self reflection) through the dark and back to the light. The number I know is 16 years…half of my life.

My psychiatrist recently told me I’m actually in a really great place of self awareness. I know how happy I was feeling, and I miss it. The extreme switch from doing really well to doing really badly, gave me a side by side comparison. The sharp and abrupt fall down, as opposed to the typical gradual decrease, was cold water to my sleeping face. I’m awake now; determined as I found myself to be before; and actually a little pissed off. I’d say that’s great motivation!

How are your journeys going? Are you making a genuine effort to take control of your illnesses? Remember that healing can start from just opening the curtains, walking to the mailbox, making silly faces in the mirror…just doing something that brings a little light, gives a little fresh air, or causes a little laugh (just to name a few) can start a domino effect of other little things that can start to bring some relief closer to you and darkness further behind you.

Stay determined. Hugs and love, my lovelies!

Amy (The Ro Fo Sho kicking depression’s ugly butt!)

A Bummer Kind Of Day...

Today was bad.

If I want to be honest about living with depression, I need to make sure I write about the really crappy days...the zero on the scale from worst to best days.

I don't have to write too much about it. Anyone reading this who lives with clinical depression will know...

That some days are just going to suck...nothing can make them better. Might over eat or not eat at all. Might sleep too much. Might not want to get up. Might try smiling to trick the brain.

I want to be inspiring and encouraging. It's hard to do that today. But, I don't want to leave y'all with sadness...so know this...

Today was bad...a bummer kind of day...they happen...but I'm hopeful that tomorrow will be better!

Sweet dreams and hugs and love, my lovelies!

Tangled with Tears

pencil on paper by The Ro Fo Sho Art c.a. 2003

Depression Derailment...Ding Ding Ding!!!

Today has been challenging.

I believe that living with depression can sometimes make a person wonder if there could be more to the illness...like Bi-Polar disorder for example. My moods can swing so far from one extreme to the next that it can make my head hurt. I'm not Bi-Polar...there's much more to it than mood swings...but there are moments when I ask myself, "Is this really just clinical depression?" The answer is yes...yes it is...stupid illness!

Confession. I've been out of my medication for a while. Don't tell my mama! I don't know how many times I've stressed the importance of staying on one's medicine...how do I find myself screwing up so many times? I really aggravate myself sometimes. So here I go again emphasizing a point that I myself slip up on time to time...don't run out of your medication! I've got a doctor's appointment soon, so I'll get back on track. I simply got derailed when I started a new job and all my appointments got messed up because of schedule conflicts.

There's a good point! Sometimes we get derailed. The important part for us all to remember is that we can't stay off the tracks too long...the longer we bump, skid, stumble, and bruise ourselves, the harder it is to find that smoother ride again. That's what I'm doing...trying to get back on the tracks! Don't stay derailed too long, dear ones...hugs and love, lovelies!