Express the Mess

I keep finding myself wanting to write and share and try to express the mess that's in my head. It feels as though there is too much junk, however, and I'm not sure where to start. So what follows may be a little bit of a free write I suppose...I guess we'll see how it goes.

I'm angry most of the time but mostly when I'm in bed ready to fall asleep for the night or sometimes during the day when I can catch a nap. Moving on since my divorce has been the most challenging thing in my life. I want to yell and scream at my ex husband and shake him and get him to say the things I feel like I need to hear for closure or validation or something! Damn it I'm not the only one who screwed up in our marriage...but I'm also the only one who ever tried fighting to make it work. I spent years asking him what I needed to do to make him love me and want me like he use to...I told him to be be honest and to let me go if it was what he wanted...I explained that it felt like he was pushing me away on purpose. He made me feel like I was crazy. And only now that it's over and I've witnessed how easily he has recovered and started living the life he stopped wanting to live with me, I realize that I wasn't crazy...I was right. He didn't want me anymore. I felt it in the stiff hugs he gave me and the quick emotionless kisses...his eyes would stay open and directed at the television screen. He laughed and smiled with his teeth and spent hours joyfully gaming while my jokes and silliness and attempts to be playful with him only earned me eye rolls, annoyance, and a dismissive attitude. If I haven't yet plainly said it, I'll say it now; yes, I cheated. I screwed up and I kept it a secret. I was drunk, sick, and lonely; and I wanted to feel wanted and I know those are only excuses and they don't and didn't mean anything when the truth was revealed. But lately I've been thinking of "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health..." I broke a vow...but so did he...and he did it over and over and over again. I kept trying to make our relationship work. When my faults were brought to light, however, I didn't have the energy to fight anymore. I had been fighting a losing battle even before my errors came into play. I guess I want him to admit that he broke my heart for years before I broke his. In the end, I lost friendships and family...I lost my husband who had remained my best friend even when I stopped being his. I'm wondering when I'll stop replaying all of this in my head...when will I run out of tears and when will I forgive my ex as well as myself.

He said he would help me after the divorce and that he understood it would be difficult for me to get back on my feet. I'm working so hard and not getting ahead; it's like a losing battle. So many people told me to ask for alimony and that I shouldn't trust that he would keep his word. I had faith in him and now I know I shouldn't have. He bought a house even though he was always telling me that it was something we wouldn't be able to do for years. He spends time away from the TV screen even thought it seemed to be the only thing that made him truly happy during our time together. You know, he even tried sushi after years and years of refusing to try it with me. More than one person admitted that he seemed depressed spending time with me and that he was a happier person after he decided to divorce me. I'm not sharing this to say it isn't fair; I'm happy for him...but I can't help but wonder...could we both have ended up happier if we had ended our relationship years before the heartache?

Thanks for listening.

Hugs and love, my lovelies.

Still surviving,
Amy

"Ok, Grandma..."

I drove from Jacksonville, Florida to Norman, Oklahoma to see my grandma. It was one of the worst drives I've ever experienced! I hadn't even gone 40 miles before I was completely stopped in traffic for a good 2 hours. The panhandle of Florida seemed to go on and on forever, and I felt like I was in the twilight zone driving and driving and getting no where. Alabama and Mississippi were quick states to drive through and so I felt a wave of relief and a new burst of energy! Louisiana took so long to drive through...only 55 miles per hour speed limit most of the state, no gas stations for hours it seemed, and no sign of civilization for miles...it was another twilight zone kind of feeling. By the time I was ready to stop for the night, it was another long stretch of nothing before finally arriving in an actual town and getting a room. But as exhausted as I was I just couldn't get to sleep, and 5 hours later I was back on the road. The Dallas/Ft. Worth area was a complete and total nightmare! Normally, coming home to see my family is an exciting and happy time. But the closer I got the sadder I got...I knew I was on my way to say goodbye, and my heart was crumbling.

I finally got to my grandma's place and knelt beside her recliner. The nurse had just given her morphine and she was slumped forward with her head hanging. I held her hand and started talking to her about my drive, and I told her that I had been missing her...told her I loved her. I told her that Dallas was a shit show, and I tried to be funny about the morphine making her drowsy. She opened her eyes for a moment, and I believe that was when she realized I was there beside her, and she closed them and breathed out like a sigh of relief. I was about to suggest reclining her chair so that she could maybe feel more comfortable, but in just a few ticks of time she opened her eyes and her soul left her earthly body while I was still holding her hand. The nurse checked her pulse and listened for a heartbeat before turning to us and saying, "she's gone." I stood and stared in disbelief with my hands over my mouth and the tears rising, pooling, and spilling from my eyes...I walked away so my mama and her sisters could be next to her. And I knelt and sobbed saying "no, no, no, no" over and over..."no, no, no, no..." I went outside and fell to my knees again with my eyes toward the sky praying to God, "please take care of my grandma and please help us to feel peace knowing that she's at peace."

Time slowed so much it felt like it wasn't even moving...it felt like hours just sitting and crying and praying in grandma's apartment...her body leaned back in the chair like she was only sleeping. Everyone left and my sister and I stepped outside when the people came to take her...

She looked more alive and well lying there in her casket than she did in those last few weeks of  her life. My only thoughts were that she should just wake up...she's going to open her eyes...she's only sleeping. At the family visitation time, at the funeral, and all the way up until they closed her casket for the very last time, I kept thinking that she should just wake up...just wake up, Grandma...

I stayed in the townhouse where she and Zac lived until the end of December. I wrapped gifts and spoke aloud to her...I even sang to her...I talked to her and made comments about everyday things. Every time I came down the stairs in the morning, my heart sunk not seeing her in the recliner drinking her coffee. Every time I walked through the front door, I'd feel disappointment that she wasn't there waiting. A picture of the two of us is on my locked screen of my cell phone, so I've seen her face every day. I've gone more than a week and sometimes longer without feeling the loss, and then at the most random times it washes over me and I am overwhelmed with my grief. She is gone. But it still feels like she is here. And so it is a constant feeling of confusion, denial, and let down. I miss my grandma.

I started writing this a couple of weeks or so ago. I had more to say when I began. I still want to share more about my grandma, traits and quirks not everyone may know...the different sides of her I feel so blessed to have known. She was an incredible person...more remarkable than I think most people realized! I could write it all out now, like a tribute...but the thought alone is a wrench to my heart and soul! Instead I will share all that made up my grandma in pieces here and there...how who she was and what she taught me and what I learned from observation of her has affected and will continue to affect my life.

What I've learned, observed, and known about my grandma will be shared in no particular order...I couldn't even begin to organize them all chronologically! So...Grandma's first lesson: toughen up! There is much to be elaborated on about it, but for now and in this moment, this is what I know. Grandma would tell me to be stronger now. She would understand the loss I feel, but from her practical point of view she would advise me to start thinking about the future. Time to think about driving back to Florida; time to work on your resume and have it ready for the job hunt; time to get back to your daily routines. She would say, "Listen to Grandma!" and I would very stubbornly reply, "OK, Grandma!"

Time to toughen up. Okay, grandma...

Thank you for the patience in my absence dear ones, and as always,
Hugs and love, my lovelies!
Amy

Flowers for Grandma