Off

Word of the day (blogging from my cell phone) before attempting to sleep: off. My third day away from work before I return tomorrow and it did not go as planned...I was very simply...off.

Couldn't clean and organize like I had visualized. Couldn't muster the energy to cook any meals. Couldn't move very far from the couch. Now I'm here in bed and feeling the failure of a wasted day.

Off.

This is the reality of a life with mental illness such as mine with clinical depression. I can identify it, acknowledge it, give it the middle finger, and hope for a better tomorrow...sometimes that is all that can be done.

And so I leave you with some art from the previous two days that were wonderful and lovely (the days were wonderful and lovely that is; maybe not the art). The last photo was of a drawing made with light heartedness in mind but can be interpreted as quite applicable for this post as well I must say haha!

(Note: I haven't figured out how to size photos from the Blogger App on my phone so I apologize if they are annoyingly large.)

Hugs and love, my lovelies!

Off
Ro Fo Sho

Quiet Peaceful Day and Night

Blogging from my phone but not using the blogger app...so we'll see how this goes! Today was gray and rainy from the beginning and on...and I loved it! I watched episodes of Doctor Who and ate Eggo waffles and drank French vanilla coffee. A friend reached out to me from a dark place in her depression and I hope I gave her some comfort; I tried my best...words can only do so much as we all know. Tonight, I listened to my Beth Hart (Better Than Home) record and then my Miles Davis (Some Kind of Blues) record...ending with jazz on Pandora radio. Most of the lights were off and my candles and incense were lit...green mint tea in my Doctor Who teapot...the rain still chiming lightly and quietly along with my music...peace and relaxation...and A Beautiful Mess Happy Mail for inspiration and encouragement. Tonight was quiet...the first time I've really been alone in a long time with my friend and roommate on her way to California and my husband at work standing duty...just Kakashi and me. My day was simply peaceful...and so be it the word of the day! My friend had an extremely tough day with her depression and it always breaks my heart when those I love suffer...I hope she finds rest tonight and a brighter tomorrow. And for all of you who might have also had a terrible day with your mental illness, hugs and love from me, my lovelies...I'll keep praying for better days for all of you. Remember the things you loved to do before your depression? I know it's difficult making the effort to do those things again...but it really does help if you can. Maybe you use to sing or dance to the radio...or read outside or play guitar...try to find pleasure in them once more. I usually stray from doing any kind of art during my down days...sometimes months go by before I pick up a pastel or paintbrush. But when I start again, I always wonder why I stayed away from it for so long! Art makes me so incredibly happy...even if I'm expressing something angry or sad, I love having an outlet for my emotions; an outlet that is fun and fulfilling. Anyway...just wanted to throw that out there and share some pics of my night with jazz, tea, and art...

Goodnight, dear readers,
Amy

Damn Down Days...

Ugh. I had a decent amount written up, but somehow it did not save...it's all gone...and I don't have the energy to try and remember and retype it all. So instead, I'm going to bombard y'all with pictures...a summary of sorts from my birthday weekend...

There you go...33 and a red head again...good times! Shout out to Bri, Elizabeth, Stephany, Danielle, Lyssa, my bonus family, and my beloved for the gifts, and treats, and well wishes...y'all made me feel loved!

I'm so blah right now!!! I have this uneasy sinking feeling in my stomach right now, and I can't figure it out. I've started training for a new job that I was initially extremely excited about...now I don't know if I'm nervous or afraid of failing or just plain uncomfortable. I wish I could figure it out. I kind of just want to cry...I feel like how I usually do when my depression is dominating in my life. It's just this feeling of...dread...I can't stand it! Do any of you ever feel like that? Anyone have any secret magical fixes or cures?

Three and a half hours until I have to be at work for training...all I want to do is curl up and sleep. The word of the day is definitely down.

Hope y'all are having a much better day...hugs and love, my lovelies!

Still kickin'!
The Ro Fo Sho

Blooming and Busy

Hi there, my lovelies! I've tried to write a few times this last month and a half, but I just couldn't ever get the words out like I wanted. It's been another long up, down, sideways, and upside down on the bad roller coaster ride! Below is a little something I started writing about two and a half weeks ago that I wanted to make sure I share...

Hello, dear readers, how have y'all been? It's been more than a month since I wrote last and I'm terribly sorry for that, but it's been a difficult time as I'm sure y'all have imagined with all that I've been sharing about my struggles recently with depression. Ain't it a bitch, right? Let's be real, my friends! If I could pick one word for this last month, a word of the day of sorts for the last several days, it would be heavy. The fight, my eyelids, basic functioning...heavy...a pressing weight. Every thing I do is with a push; I'm shoving against a massive presence that would rather keep me on my ass. It takes so much energy to get from the start of the day to the end of the day...it makes me just want to sleep...sleep and sleep and sleep until I wake up and have been magically healed and revived!
(written May 11th)

I'm happy to report that the weight has lifted quite a bit...the heavy presence has eased. I'm doing better...but every day is still a fight, and it's not an easy one just yet. And yes, it does get easier...there will come a time when I will almost forget about the shadow of depression that always follows me...I'll be blogging one day, and it will occur to me that, "huh...I can't remember my last bad day." It will be a big boost...another "high on life" wave to ride, and I can't wait! Time...everything takes time...I'm just trying to be patient and stay optimistic as I battle through each day.

I've missed writing, however, and I realize that I need to make more of an effort to stay consistent with this blog. But I've been busy! Friends have been visiting every weekend for the past month and a half, and today I started my new job! So here's what I'm thinking about as I share the latest and greatest with y'all haha...this is a blooming and busy time during my journey. Buds were bursting into beautiful blooms around me each day, and they became symbolic to me. I watched them during their stages and transformations...wondering, "what will this one look like." I took photographs of them at each new development, and I made little collages for Instagram showing their progress. As the petals uncurled and soaked up the sun, I was also blooming, and the sun was giving life to me as well! I am healing...

 Friends visiting and socializing, preparing for my new job as a photographer, and now training for this job have kept me busy. The truth is I haven't been managing my time very well either! Whoops. Ok! So! Time to get my groove back! I have photos to share with you and paintings I've done and poems I've written...I'm looking forward to showing more of the art and creative side of this blog; excited to bring a little sunshine to this little corner of the Internet! For now I'll wrap with the obvious words for the day (and most recent days)...Blooming and Busy!

Hugs and love, my lovelies!
Been missin' y'all!
Love,
Amy Ro Fo Sho!!!

Let The Good Feelings Rule!

Word of the day: EXERCISE! I've been doing some half ass exercising, but today, I pushed myself a little more! Lunges...tomorrow will be painful haha, but a good painful! I tell you what, y'all, I'm believing in the power of your prayers and thoughts! I might climb out of this quicker than I thought...thank you thank you thank you so much for encouraging me; I'll never be able to express my appreciation enough, dear readers!

Today is a good day, and I'm happy! It's important for me to also say that it might not be a good day all day; tomorrow might be a bad one...that's the way of depression. The possibility is like an annoying high pitch buzz in the ear that can cause pessimism to creep in and ruin everything; but I will do my very best to ignore it and handle however I feel next when it gets here. Some of you may know what I'm talking about, so that's why I wanted to mention it...ignore the buzz and let the good feelings rule while you have them. Try to let optimism carry you and empower you! And if you're having a bad day, dear ones, I'm sorry and I wish I could make it better for you. I'll say try to get up and let some light in...but if you don't want to, that's okay too...some days are just hard.

Hugs and love, my lovelies!
Amy

Tightrope Walking

Good afternoon, dear readers! I suppose I'll start with a word for the day...let's see...hmmm...unbalanced; that will work. I'm still walking this tightrope portion of my depression, and I've been wavering and teetering the whole time. I haven't fallen completely off, but I've clung to the line with eyes closed and not wanting to look or move. Sometimes I get a few steps ahead and am happy with my grace and progression, but I've still got a long way to go. This unbalanced section of the journey is truly exhausting, though, and I feel like I'm sleeping my life away! But I'm up now, and I have things to do, so I just have to keep pushing myself. Hopefully I find a job soon!

Moving on! I've left y'all hanging in my last couple of posts saying I would elaborate on a particular subject more, but I've yet to do that! So I'm just going to play catch up right now...

When I wrote about my practically perfect weekend, I mentioned thinking about my grandma. I started to write about it, but decided to save it for later; so I'm going to copy and paste what I began to share:

...practically perfect weekend, but by the time all of my company had left, I was confronted and left alone with the thought that had been lingering and waiting for my attention when I would no longer be distracted. "I want to call Grandma." I called her often but especially when the weather was nice or when a big football game was on, and I just couldn't help but feel that need for communication more intensely than ever since she's been gone. It struck me like a ton of bricks and I was gasping with grief through heavy heavy sobs...it was one of the most heart wrenching moments I've had since being back in Florida, and the first one without family close by for comfort.

I can think back on it now without feeling so intensely the lonely place her absence has left me in, but the memory of that sudden onslaught of sorrow stays vividly present like a similar wave might crush me at any moment. I miss my grandma so very very much...that's just the simplicity of it. I know I always will, but right now, while it's still new and tender, it just sucks...that's it...it just freakin' sucks.

When I wrote about my wonderfully inspiring night, I told y'all I would elaborate more later. Well, now I don't feel like recounting the conversations I had with a couple of inspiring individuals, so sorry 'bout that haha! What I will share is that after those dialogues, I was geared up and ready to go back to school! I've made this declaration so many times before I can't even guess a number; and obviously I never did make it back! Maybe this time, if I don't tell you about it right away, I'll actually do it and therefore update y'all when it actually happens...ummm...IF it actually happens. But here's the skinny on my brainstorm; I love writing, art, and photography, and so I feel like if I learn more and become more qualified in specific areas, I might actually find a profession I can live with while still chasing the dream of being a successful freelance artist and writer/be my own boss. We'll see what happens...I'll keep y'all updated ;)

Alrightythen, I'm going to go ahead and wrap this one up and start on a couple of more posts for y'all...standby for a discussion on deployment and a discussion on Fifty Shades of Grey...aww, do I have your attention? Haha! I'll leave you with a little collage of my face to showcase my new hair color...please excuse my tired appearance and disorder of my hair. Later, darlings, and hugs and love, my lovelies!

Peace
The Ro Fo Sho

Bringing Back the Word of the Day

Just a quick little bit for y'all today, and I'm blogging from my phone...I'm going to try and blog like this more because I think it'll help me write more often. And I'm hopeful that if I'm just writing little bits now and then, I'll come across subjects I'd like to expand on in more lengthy posts. Remember the word of the day? I started it a while ago but dropped the ball at some point! Just to remind you, dear ones, the word of the day is a one word summary of how I'm dealing with my depression at the time...sometimes with a brief explanation why, but not always. Quick little tid bits from my phone will be good for me to kind of keep track of how my journey with mental illness is affecting my every day life. Today, I'm having trouble staying awake...I really want to just sleep all day. The word of the day is down...I'm just down.

Unfortunately, sometimes, down days can occur one right after the other; but when I go to sleep tonight, I'm going to tell myself that tomorrow will be a better day. Optimism can do magic, y'all! Dear readers, I'm sorry if you're having a down day. Let's hope for a happier Tuesday!

Hugs and love, my lovelies,
Amy

A Bummer Kind Of Day...

Today was bad.

If I want to be honest about living with depression, I need to make sure I write about the really crappy days...the zero on the scale from worst to best days.

I don't have to write too much about it. Anyone reading this who lives with clinical depression will know...

That some days are just going to suck...nothing can make them better. Might over eat or not eat at all. Might sleep too much. Might not want to get up. Might try smiling to trick the brain.

I want to be inspiring and encouraging. It's hard to do that today. But, I don't want to leave y'all with sadness...so know this...

Today was bad...a bummer kind of day...they happen...but I'm hopeful that tomorrow will be better!

Sweet dreams and hugs and love, my lovelies!

Tangled with Tears

pencil on paper by The Ro Fo Sho Art c.a. 2003

Depression Derailment...Ding Ding Ding!!!

Today has been challenging.

I believe that living with depression can sometimes make a person wonder if there could be more to the illness...like Bi-Polar disorder for example. My moods can swing so far from one extreme to the next that it can make my head hurt. I'm not Bi-Polar...there's much more to it than mood swings...but there are moments when I ask myself, "Is this really just clinical depression?" The answer is yes...yes it is...stupid illness!

Confession. I've been out of my medication for a while. Don't tell my mama! I don't know how many times I've stressed the importance of staying on one's medicine...how do I find myself screwing up so many times? I really aggravate myself sometimes. So here I go again emphasizing a point that I myself slip up on time to time...don't run out of your medication! I've got a doctor's appointment soon, so I'll get back on track. I simply got derailed when I started a new job and all my appointments got messed up because of schedule conflicts.

There's a good point! Sometimes we get derailed. The important part for us all to remember is that we can't stay off the tracks too long...the longer we bump, skid, stumble, and bruise ourselves, the harder it is to find that smoother ride again. That's what I'm doing...trying to get back on the tracks! Don't stay derailed too long, dear ones...hugs and love, lovelies!

Beach Party

Today was sleepy. In addition to the "word of the day," I will also share just a little update on my continuous fight with depression. I still believe fatigue is the contributing factor...the main one that is! My struggle with my weight has also been bringing me down. You know how people will say that they don't gain weight...that they're just small? That always kind of makes me mad because I'm supposed to be small too...I didn't gain weight either...I had a rock star metabolism...and then I got sick and everything changed. Anyway! I'm just trying to say that my self confidence is stunted right now, and my insecurities make my journey through depression more difficult. But I'm trying to do something about it...eat right, exercise, and keep active. Oh and in case anyone is wondering...no...none of that stuff I listed has ever helped with fatigue. I know...so great right? At least I have to stay on my toes with the lovely assortment of challenges I face day to day. So there's my little update. Again I must emphasize to all those who suffer with clinical depression to keep pushing yourself to a place of healing...don't ever give up the fight!

Moving on!

Yesterday my husband and I joined our friends at a beach party given by our marine friend's command. It was a wonderful good time!!! I've only had a few moments this season where I truly felt like it was summer, and last night was definitely one of those moments! We ate good food, drank cold beer, listened to music, threw a football, splashed in the waves, and enjoyed each others company on the shore with a gorgeous sunset for a backdrop! It was so relaxing and invigorating at the same time! I hope that we have more beach visits before the rapidly approaching end of this summer! And I hope y'all enjoy the picture overload that's about to happen :) My husband made the comment, "You took a lot of pictures of the sky." I explained, "Honey, I had to get all the stages of the sunset!" He just laughed and shook his head...there are just some things he'll never understand...oh well! Soak up the summer, dear ones, and I'll write again soon...hugs and love, my lovelies!

p.s. All of these photos are straight out of the camera except I cropped one. I may or may not go back and do some editing :)

Quiet Nights

Today was tolerable.

There are things going on with my husband's ship that I shouldn't discuss for all the Internet to read...loose lips sink ships you know. By the way, it really annoys me when people mix up loose and lose in writing. But anywho! So yeah, the hubs has been gone since early this morning and still isn't back at almost 10PM now! Ugh...my poor love!

However, when I have our place all to myself, I truly do relish some simple things that aren't really doable when Tom is home. Right now, the TV is off; candles are lit; incense is burning; and Enya is playing...so relaxing. No TV, or video games, or loud computer noises...bliss :) Tom would simply fall asleep if he were here!

So although I prefer my beloved to be home by this time...at least I can relax and do my hippie zen thing before our home is once again filled with my husband's loud presence! Oh but I do love him so! :)

Goodnight y'all...hugs and love, my lovelies!

Detox Water...Or so it's called...

Today was a seven and a half.

I read this recipe for "detox water" in an old Women's World magazine...I think that's what the magazine is called...pretty sure. Anywho! It's yummy and delicious! The pitcher is sitting in my fridge overnight, and I can't wait to drink it up tomorrow! You're supposed to drink a pitcher a day...but I wonder if you can use the ingredients again? I've done that before...but I wasn't sure if that was okay. Maybe someone can make a suggestion on this matter. Here are some photos I took just because fruits and veggies and herbs are so lovely. And yes...I did arrange some irrelevant items to add to the overall appearance of the photo...well I had to make it pretty! Haha!

Grab a large cucumber, 10 to 20 mint leaves, and "citrus to taste" - I use one large orange and one large lemon.

Chop it all up and then arrange it all prettily for a picture.

Throw them all into the pitcher. I added each component in layers with the mint weighed down so it wouldn't float to the top and potentially get poured into the glass and inevitably end up in my teeth.

Add 2 quarts of water and voila! The original recipe did not say whether or not to let it sit, but other recipes suggest allowing the water to sit overnight and really get infused with all the good stuff. So I put some cling wrap over the top and it sits in my Frigidaire! Can't wait to drink it tomorrow! Good night, and hugs and love, my lovelies!

Another Birthday Coming Soon

Today is ok.

I realized, after the fact, that my last post was my 50th entry. I feel like I should have written something more...I don't know...ummm...monumental maybe? Hmmm oh well...maybe I'll be more on the ball with my 100th entry...but I should start writing more or it'll be FOREVER before I  get there!

And I DO want to write more! I want to write every day and really try to reach a bigger audience, but I just don't make the time for it like I should. I talked about my new job in my last post, and that is still going well. But I feel like the approximately 30 hours a week I work there plus the constant housewife job wear me out more than the average person. It's not fair! We don't even have kids for cryin' out loud! So I guess with that being said, we can all observe that the vitamin D isn't making a difference with the fatigue just yet...but I knew it would take a while. Still couldn't help but hope for a miraculous change I guess! Anywho! I'm still hopeful.

What I really wanted to write about was my upcoming birthday...it's a little less than 2 months away. When I wrote about the end of my 20s here, I stated some goals for myself to complete before my 30th...a new me for a new decade. Well...I failed. If I weren't in such a good mood now, I'd probably be more weepy and dark and twisty here...so yay for all of us who get tired of hearing about my depression all the time haha! Moving on!

So! Instead of making expectations for myself that I'll stress and worry over...I shall treat this 31st as the 10 year anniversary of my 21st...which means it'll be a party...a celebration of a new stage of life...a chance to quit talkin' 'bout all the stuff I need to do and just freakin' do it! I'm not sure if that even makes sense to y'all, but it make sense (kinda) to me, and that's what's important I suppose.

Here's my wishlist for my birthday. Presents make everything better...even getting older :) I share this because two of the images you see represent what I REALLY want!

 The Dove represents the quiet peace during the heat of battle. The Tree of Love represents those who grow and stand tall together through adversity.


Additions to the tattoo on my forearm!!! My friend, Nicole, and I are the only people I know with the "Warriors in Pink" tattoos on our bodies. When I talked about adding to mine, she suggested I stick with the theme of breast cancer awareness...and that's just what I want to do! The symbols are so simple, but their meanings are so significant...and the meaning of a simple piece of art can make the image even more special. That's just what I believe anyway!

In an attempt to wrap this somewhat random and not so fluid rambling up, I will simply say that with this upcoming birthday, it's time to take control of this decade before it passes me by like my 20s...and that tattoos make everything better...oh and presents as well. Hugs and love, my lovelies!

I don't want to go to work!

Today is a 4 out of 10...just because I have to work at my part time job instead of stay home and create.

I have so much enthusiasm for my art adventure that I wish I didn't have to go to work today :( I won't go bashing the company I currently work for because that's just rude, but I will say that it just isn't the right fit for me. Therefore, I have been a terrible employee, and it has become embarrassing! I gave my resignation notice, and I'm pursuing another job where I will be doing at least a part of one of my passions...photography...I think I will do much better and be much happier! Fingers crossed! Knock on wood!

Well, I didn't really have anything interesting to say, and I need to start getting ready for work. Boo. Sniffle. I share these two pictures because my next couple of projects will be with oil pastel and my graphite pencils. I've been working with my Prismacolors a bunch so it's time to move on! I'm also trying a new thing involving crayons and watercolor...it's been a trial and error type of experience! I can't wait to share all of my new art with you all!

Hugs and love, my lovelies!
The Ro Fo Sho

Pumping Up The Ro Fo Sho...

Today is a good day.

I cannot remember a time when I wasn't drawing or interested in art. I remember that I would draw my whole family and write their names above their heads. I don't remember ever coloring outside the lines...even though I'm sure there was a time that I did! But, I do remember in 1st grade when the teacher leading us in some kind of coloring exercise said, "Always stay in the lines," I thought, "Duh." :) My first memory is drawing people kind of like this:



Haha, I never gave the girls eyebrows because I thought they looked like boys with them! I don't know why! As I got older, I started seeing faces as more of a "U" shape than a circle, and I started drawing my hands like mittens and my feet in shoes. My first childhood dream was to be an artist. However, even though I was an imaginative little girl, I was also a bit practical. As I grew older I learned that being an artist was not a stable career choice. So, I just drew and painted as a hobby for many many...many years! :)

When I was 13 or 14 years old, I developed and interest in photography. I wrote myself a letter to open when I turned 20. You can read about that story here. It's actually one of my favorite posts I've ever written, so I encourage you to read it for the first time or again...I loved reading it again :) If that makes me silly, I don't care! EXTREMELY long story short...I have evolved since that post. I've also derailed since that post. I was up and ready to go...and then I was battling my depression again...2 years of me trying to feel stable again. I produced a TON of art for a brief moment, and then I stopped for a long time. Well! I've started again, AND I've started photographing again. And since I'm on a good solid path for treatment (which was described in my last post here) I have the enthusiasm again. I also have a time limit...I'm 30...if I don't get it together now, I'll be 40 and wondering what I did in the last decade.

Here are the things going on for The Ro Fo Sho Art & Photography: I've created my own little space to really WORK in...to feel inspired and create in. It is indeed very little, and I really need another table, as well as more shelving. I don't want to spend a bunch of money on that right now...I need to make sure I have enough for paper, canvases, pencils, pastels, etc. for what I have planned. Once I get enough pieces to use as examples for what I have to offer, I will create a facebook fan page...hopefully very soon! Someday I'll have a website too! But here's the biggest news I can share: I'm really really REALLY going to try and go back to school for an art education degree, so that I may learn how to become a better artist and so that I can really share my passion with the people who need passion the most, the youth!



 

 

 

 

It's going to be a challenging journey for me. Even though I've started treatment for my clinical depression, I have a long way to go because I waited too long to be as proactive about it as I am now. There are still mornings I don't want to get out of bed...there are still moments when I look off into space and think, "I'm too old and tired to do anything now. I've run out of time." These thoughts, even typing them, bring a clenched feeling in my chest of darkness and hopelessness...but I consciously make myself push it away...I channel in light and inspiration instead. The thing is I AM older...and if I don't get better, then I'm wasting my life. So, my parting wisdom for today...depression causes life to pass too quickly and before you know it, you've felt miserable for far too long...don't let this happen! Find a way to bring the light and inspiration back in to yourself...bring yourself back to who you were before the dark. Don't give up!

Hugs and love, my lovelies!

Getting Better

Today is refreshing.

Hello, dear ones! I apologize for my absence, and I promise to try and not go so long between posts anymore. I want to write about a trip to Oklahoma my husband and I took a few weeks ago, but I'm having problems getting my pictures off the memory card and on to the computer...so that's on hold for now. So! I need to update y'all about my depression! I'll try not to be so depressing about it...ha. ha.

First! I had to take Kakashi on a walk before my appointment, and right when we turned the corner there was a mama duck with all of her brand new ducklings huddled around her. The daddy duck had been guarding her in her nest for a little while, so I was really excited to see them hatched! I thought, "This is a sign for a new life ahead of me."



Okay! I finally met with my psychiatrist! She's a lovely woman...soothing and calming...her name is Anne. When she called my name in the waiting room, I stood up to follow her, and my eyes immediately started to water. She said I could sit anywhere; I sat; she asked a question; and I started crying! Oh man, I was apologizing like crazy and grabbing wads of Kleenex...I felt stupid! But she explained that it happened all the time and that it was a very natural response...I felt better.

It was a 2 hour session and I pretty much gave her my life story. By the end of the appointment I was feeling more hopeful than I've ever felt before in this 14 year struggle...relief. So! This is what I have to do. Quit drinking - I'll be fine, though, if I have a drink on special occasions, but definitely not a social drinker anymore! Eat 2 cups of leafy dark greens a day - easy...I LOVE veggies and leafy things! Exercise 30 minutes every day - I was exercising every other day for a while, so I'm just going to incorporate more cardio to my routine. Therapy - that will start next month. And here's the big one...Prozac!

I've always been scared of Prozac. The first doctor to ever treat my depression said it could cause me to gain weight. And in later years, I learned from others that it affected their sex drives. These are not good things in my book! Haha! When I expressed these fears to Anne, she assured me that it shouldn't cause weight gain and that it in fact usually helps binge eaters. And she said that if my sex drive was affected, there is another medicine I can take to counteract it. So far no problems!

I finally feel like I have a doctor who is going to get to know me and really help me. All of my primary care physicians have failed me time and time again. Except for Dr. McKinnon...he was awesome! But all who followed him, were terrible. I would have to share my story every single time and share what meds I had all really been on...every. single. time. So annoying!!!

I've got a long way to go in this healing process...but I feel like I'm going to get there faster than I would have without a good doctor! That shall be my parting wisdom for all of us battling depression...find a great and wonderful doctor!

Hugs and love, my lovelies!

Miserable Day

Today was very hard.

I am having a challenging time being happy at my part time job, and I know part of it is because of my depression, but I wish I knew how much I dislike it regardless of my illness. All I can do is keep working my shifts and see how my attitude may change once I start getting treatment again. Fingers crossed.

I called my mama and cried it all out to her...she calmed me down and helped me think of the right actions to take. My depression left untreated this long can really make me cloudy and unsure...I'm grateful for my mama's ability to help me work it out when I'm just too teary eyed and in the muck to figure it out myself. I love you, mama!!!

I don't work tomorrow, so tonight I'm having red wine and dark chocolate and TV shows. I'm going to try and relax...

 

My mama and me March 2012