"Rainbows On Her Soles"

Well, helloooooo! (Please tell me some of you read that in a Mrs. Doubtfire voice?!) Jeez Louise it's been about 3 and a half months...holy moly! Sorry again for abandoning this little corner of the internet...for the zillionth time...ugh. But, hey! It's going to get better! Let me tell you why. So, after my last entry (An Angry Side to Depression), my struggles kind of...ummm morphed and thinned and bubbled up and over...I was basically all over the place emotionally. Stressed from my new job, still feeling anger and resentment, drained and dragging through every day. It was the first week in May when I just lost it for a few days. Truth be told, I screwed up with some of my prescriptions...as in I called them in and didn't pick them up on time...and my anxiety got a strong hold of me...like a vice around my soul and my heart...squeezing me to the point where it hurt to breathe and the tears came in floods completely uncontrolled. Depression and anxiety can make you feel crazy, and I tell y'all what, I was feeling like the craziest of crazies! I missed 3 days of work and I slept and slept and slept. I've said it before and I'll say it again...we don't always have to fight it...we are allowed to be weak...it's okay to keep the blinds and our eyes closed sometimes. But, again, like I also always say, we can't stay there very long or it can overwhelm us. So, I got my medicine and I got myself to work and I listened to my music and I created my art and I put my fists back up in the air on guard ready to fight the shadow again...and I've been fighting, my friends. I've been "Ro Fo Sho-ing!" that asshole darkness what's up and who's boss! Hell yeah! I'm going to try and make that a phrase for all of us living with mental illness..."Ro Fo Sho" with me, y'all...meaning keep fighting and don't ever give up...keep on "Ro Fo Sho-ing!" I think I'll make t-shirts haha! So! When I first created this blog, it was supposed to to be about my life with depression but also about my art...because my art comes from my life...and it's my therapy too...and like my story, I want to share my art with the world. Get ready... The Ro Fo Sho Art & Photography is officially on it's way...more details to come. And thanks for sticking with me, dear readers!

Hugs and love, my lovelies, and keep on Ro Fo Sho-ing!

Love and Peace,
The Ro Fo Sho

"Rainbows On Her Soles"

by Amy

(lyrics from Beth Hart's "By Her")

An Angry Side to Depression

Time to confess all of my recent struggles with my depression, dear readers. My medicine wasn't working anymore, and when I ran out, although I put the refill request in, I couldn't bring myself to go and pick them up. Basic living and functioning have become more and more challenging. Anxiety and depression typically go hand in hand, but I never really had problems with it until this last year and a half really...and it's gotten worse and worse, I'm afraid. During these last six months or so, I've developed problems with focusing and concentrating as well. I start projects, chores, or tasks, and I can't finish them...I look around at the mess and chaos and I get overwhelmed. Mindless tasks become my only comfort, but even then, I'm still fidgeting...watching TV while playing a game on my cell phone and rolling silly putty around in my other hand...rewinding the show time and time again because I missed something!

I quit my job. I couldn't handle it. The noise and fast pace just about drove me crazy. And again, I couldn't focus...I can't even tell you how many wine glasses I broke. Normally I can leave my personal problems at the door when I'm on the clock, but I really couldn't keep it together...smiling alone made me want to cry with all the energy it took to fake it. I've found another job, and I start tomorrow...it will be quieter and more easy going I think...I hope...

I've unraveled before in my fight with mental illness. I believe every single one of us will at several points during our journeys. Some times are harder than others...this one has been. It has been one of those times where I have felt extremely alone. Now I know that I'm not...I am blessed with support and encouragement from friends and family from all over! Sometimes that long distance love just isn't enough. And sometimes the people who are physically closest to me can't seem to deal with me during my worst times...I can sense their annoyance and irritation, their lack of understanding and or compassion. Then again, that could be the darkness casting its shadows and distorting reality.

Whatever the case may be, I have recently had thoughts I've rarely had before. Normally, I would never wish my internal war and demons on anyone else! This period of time, however, has stirred up an emotion I avidly try to avoid. Anger. Attitudes toward me have felt dismissive and uncaring...like I've become exhaustive and a burden to be around. Usually I can deal with it...not lately. I have been experiencing resentment towards the people who seem to lack any ounce of empathy. I've been wishing my pain on them...wishing they could walk in my shoes for a while and feel the everything and nothing that I feel! I hate thinking this way, I really do. I wrote a poem about it...I'll share it with you all later. Right now...I don't know what else I can say on this topic. I'm angry, but I know my thoughts are unfair and terrible...I wish it, but I don't...it breaks my heart knowing that millions of us suffer. I wish it, but I don't...no one needs to feel this way.

When I saw my doctor a few days ago, I simply lost it...I couldn't explain anything at all without an endless stream of tears. So here's the newest battle plan! I'll be taking 40mg of Prozac with the addition of 10mg of Buspar, and I will be starting therapy up again soon. The therapy will probably help the most since I'm obviously experiencing more emotions and problems at one time than I have ever had before! Talking with you all has always been a kind of therapy for me, but there are things I can't say here...things that are too personal, you know? I hold back really, and I think that's important for you all to know. I believe in keeping the discussion for mental illness open and honest...our voices need to be heard! But our battles tend to involve details that aren't meant for all of the internet world. For example, I don't want to talk so openly about individuals or relationships which are a part of my story because that could potentially involve other stories that aren't mine to share. You know what I'm saying? I try and share as much as I can, I promise!

Anyway! I'm going to wrap this up, my friends. I'll share that poem with you all soon! Just checking in like I do and giving you all the latest update on my depression. I hope everyone has a great week!

Hugs and love, my lovelies!
Amy

Quiet Peaceful Day and Night

Blogging from my phone but not using the blogger app...so we'll see how this goes! Today was gray and rainy from the beginning and on...and I loved it! I watched episodes of Doctor Who and ate Eggo waffles and drank French vanilla coffee. A friend reached out to me from a dark place in her depression and I hope I gave her some comfort; I tried my best...words can only do so much as we all know. Tonight, I listened to my Beth Hart (Better Than Home) record and then my Miles Davis (Some Kind of Blues) record...ending with jazz on Pandora radio. Most of the lights were off and my candles and incense were lit...green mint tea in my Doctor Who teapot...the rain still chiming lightly and quietly along with my music...peace and relaxation...and A Beautiful Mess Happy Mail for inspiration and encouragement. Tonight was quiet...the first time I've really been alone in a long time with my friend and roommate on her way to California and my husband at work standing duty...just Kakashi and me. My day was simply peaceful...and so be it the word of the day! My friend had an extremely tough day with her depression and it always breaks my heart when those I love suffer...I hope she finds rest tonight and a brighter tomorrow. And for all of you who might have also had a terrible day with your mental illness, hugs and love from me, my lovelies...I'll keep praying for better days for all of you. Remember the things you loved to do before your depression? I know it's difficult making the effort to do those things again...but it really does help if you can. Maybe you use to sing or dance to the radio...or read outside or play guitar...try to find pleasure in them once more. I usually stray from doing any kind of art during my down days...sometimes months go by before I pick up a pastel or paintbrush. But when I start again, I always wonder why I stayed away from it for so long! Art makes me so incredibly happy...even if I'm expressing something angry or sad, I love having an outlet for my emotions; an outlet that is fun and fulfilling. Anyway...just wanted to throw that out there and share some pics of my night with jazz, tea, and art...

Goodnight, dear readers,
Amy

The Discussion Stays Open...

I've been working quite a bit...doing the housewife thing during the day and then going to my new job at night. My focus and energy have been on the new job, so my house work has most definitely suffered...still trying to find the right balance. So far I want to sleep as late as possible, then watch TV and be as lazy as possible, then get ready for work and go...this is obviously not going to be beneficial in any way. In addition to balancing paid work and house work, I need to make time for my art and for writing! Sprinkle in some depression and fatigue...well...y'all know the challenge...

Speaking of which! A couple of my very best of friends have been experiencing depression recently and the question I've gotten from both of them is, "How do you live feeling like this?" I know the initial weight when first confronting depression...the confusion and sadness and hopelessness and utter heart break...the tears and anger. It absolutely shatters me knowing that people I love are experiencing these emotions! And I wish I could give advice and answers that could crash through their darkness like the most intense ray of light imaginable! How have I lived the last 17 years of my life? Three factors. My mama has been on this journey with me since the beginning. The onslaught of emotions that left me staggering in soul wrenching bewilderment were very quickly identified by my mama...she knew exactly what was happening to me because she had been through it herself, so I've always had her support and guidance. The other two factors are a bit of a disappointment to hear, but the truth sometimes is...time and experience. I have had over a decade and a half to figure out how to live my life with an almost constant presence of darkness...a lingering shadow that has become a dark companion you could say...I've made wrong and right choices and decisions while in it's company, and I have learned what works and doesn't work. Drinking excessively does not work. Sleeping for days does not work. Shutting people out does not work. Opening all the blinds and letting light in helps. Talking about my feelings with a good friend or family member helps. Eating good healthy foods and taking walks in the sunshine help. Keep in mind, even though I know what I should and shouldn't do, it doesn't mean I always follow my own advice. But, it will be different for each individuals journey. I will keep writing about it and talking about it openly...I will continue to be encouraging...I will continue to share my ups and downs...the discussion stays open here.

I will find a balance in my life, and I will make a genuine effort to write much more...I'm so sorry for the long periods of silence! I know y'all understand how it goes with mental illness, but I believe I live with this for a purpose...my purpose is to be a voice. To dismiss stigmas and misunderstanding and to force people to confront it and talk about it. And, I don't mean every once in a while; I mean constantly!

Alrightythen! Well! I wasn't sure which direction this was going to go when I started writing, but the passion for this topic suddenly became overwhelming! My thoughts seemed to flow effortlessly from my mind to my fingertips on this keyboard...thank you for listening, dear ones.

Being able to talk openly about my life with y'all is a part of my treatment...it's something that helps heal me. I am grateful that you take time to read and understand...

Hugs and love, my lovelies,
Amy

Depression, Fatigue, and Busted Knee...Oh my!

Let's play catch up! I'm struggling to get my groove back here...everything I want to share is a jumbled mess, and I can't seem to sort through it very well. So let me give y'all a rundown on my health...get the not so fun stuff out of the way!

First! My depression is currently under control, manageable, tolerable...in check I suppose you could say. There were some major ups and downs during my absence with the approach of my husband's homecoming, homecoming itself, and the adjustment period of having my husband home. I'll have to write about that sometime...a depression and deployment part three post, or whatever number I was on. Still taking 60mg of Prozac every morning, but I'm not taking the 50mg of Trazadone every night like I had been doing. I'll take the Trazadone when I know I can sleep in the next morning because it takes a while to get out of my system. I eat lots of veggies and get as much sun as I can, and these are huge contributors to managing my depression! Every day is a challenge...some days are easier than others...but this a life with depression! Ultimately, you will be the only person who can decide what kind of life you want to have while living with a mental illness.

Fatigue. Ugh. I did a sleep study...that was an adventure! Nothing like sleeping with wires hooked up and stuck all over knowing that people are watching you and monitoring you in the most vulnerable situations of human existence hahahaha!!! Ha. The thing that sucks the most, however, is the goopey sticky gooey stuff left in the hair that kept all the sensors and such attached. Anyway! Miserable story short, I have "mild obstructive sleep apnea with oxygen desaturation" and qualify for a CPAP machine. I've yet to get the machine, but it seems to be my last hope for solving this horrible problem I have with extreme exhaustion! Just to remind y'all...I've been struggling with fatigue since 2003 and during the last 12 years, I've tried a couple of things. I was giving myself B12 shots on a daily basis for a while..yep...shots...needles...it's okay it didn't hurt at all and I have no problems with that kind of stuff anyway. Then I was taking a weekly dose of Vitamin D of 50,000 units for a few months. My blood work eventually showed above average numbers for B12 and D, but the fatigue still dominated. I'll let y'all know if there are any improvements after I've been on the machine for a little while!

The last thing to catch y'all up on is my knee! After physical therapy and months of waiting to see an actual orthopedic doctor, this is what I found out...actually...let me try and quote the doc...

"Um. Yeeeah. Your knee cap....is...not where it's supposed to be." He demonstrates with his hands how my knee cap is supposed to to be sitting and how it's actually a bit off the mark, and then he says, "and you have severe arthritis behind your knee cap. I'm going to need an MRI first to figure out exactly what...I need to do..."

Got the MRI done and my follow up with the ortho doc is October 1st...stay tuned my friends! Here's a picture of me with my jacked up knee getting a thumbs down!

So there's the latest and greatest, dear readers! I'm slowly but surely getting answers...the key is to stay proactive about it all, you know? Hopefully I'll get some kind of rhythm going again soon, but until then...thank y'all for sticking with me like you do...think I might go take a nap now...

Hugs and love, my lovelies!
Peace out,
Rof Fo Sho

Keep Talking

It's been four days since my public display of misery, and...I'm just...seriously just in awe of the responses I've received! I knew y'all would lift me up, and I swear, your prayers and thoughts are doing work...like a troop of invisible warriors helping my soul fight the darkness inside me! I'm feeling better every day, and I'm feeling more optimistic...my attitude is bolstered by your kindness, dear ones! I wish that all those who suffer with depression and other mental illnesses could have people like you all in their lives...it's heart breaking thinking about the ones who suffer alone. I know I don't even have to ask, but just in case, please remember to keep all who live with depression and such in mind.

A friend of mine asked what I did this past weekend, and I told him that I dealt with crippling sorrow and wrote about it on my blog and talked with friends and family who reached out to me after reading it. He said, "Don't be sad! Just be happy!" Of course, I explained that the chemicals in my brain need more than words for that to happen and that writing about it and sharing it helped me feel better, but it's only a part of the path towards healing. I don't believe he was trying to be mean, but he did ask if I talked about it so much because I wanted the attention. My response was that I don't need the attention, but the topic needs attention. I need support and love and encouragement from the people in my life on a personal level. Depression and mental illness need attention and conversation because it's a widespread situation, and the only time we hear anything about it is when a celebrity commits suicide or a pilot crashes a plane!

I've been told by several people that I am brave to speak so openly about my life with clinical depression...hearing that gives me somewhat of a greater resolve to keep on doing it, but it is mostly very humbling. The stigma and fear society attaches to this topic isn't fair! It shouldn't have to be brave to have an open dialogue, it should be normal and accepted to discuss what we live with just like someone would with cancer or diabetes and other diseases. Living with mental illness doesn't make me less or inadequate...I'm not a mistake of nature; I shouldn't feel like an outcast! Luckily for me, I don't feel these things, but I know it's not the case for most people. Should anyone ever tell me that maybe I should be a little quieter and maybe not talk about it so much, well, I'll only get louder and maybe even throw up a middle finger if I'm feeling feisty!

I know I sound better to you all, and I do feel better. But please understand that it takes time to find and feel the light again...and I'm no where close to being completely there yet! Right now, my couch looks so inviting, and I love the peacefulness of sleep. However, I'm going to take Kakashi out to the pond and write a bit in my notebook. What I'm trying to get across here is that even the littlest of choices like deciding between a nap and a walk in the sunlight can be tough. Some of you might decide to just stay on the couch or in bed and some of you might summon the energy to get up. Every day will be a challenge. I want to feel good again, and at least for today, I'm going to go sit outside in the sunshine.

Thank you again, dear readers, for staying with me on this journey...I'm here for you too! Email me if you need or want to talk - amyrofosho@gmailcom.

Hugs and love, my lovelies!
Amy

Here are a couple of photos of one of my favorite spots and of a poem I wrote yesterday.

Medicines, Therapy, and Baby Steps!

I saw my new doctor for the first time on Wednesday, y'all, and he seems like he's going to be a good one! He's just my primary care (PCM in military language), but I feel confident in his abilities to manage my medicine for depression. I'm not sure if I've ever told y'all, but I've tried quite a few different anti-depressants: Celexa, Lexapro, Effexor, Welbutrin, Zoloft, and Pristiq are the ones I can remember! Now I'm on Prozac...I was worried it would affect my libido and cause me to gain weight, but I've been taking it for a little over a year now I think, and I haven't had any problems with it. I told the new doc that it was a tailspin out of control managing my depression after a series of changes and challenges. My suggestion was to increase my dose, and that's just what he did! So, for the curious, I take 60mg of Prozac in the morning and 50mg of Trazadone before I go to bed. The Trazadone helps me sleep with the addition of 5mg of Melatonin. 60mg of my anti-depressants is probably the lowest dose that's ever worked for me...previous amounts were in the 100mg range. Well anyway! I just wanted to share the medicine part of my story for anyone curious. It's also a good story to illustrate how it often takes a few tries to get the right medicine that will help the most! Don't give up if you're struggling finding the one that works!

My fatigue has not improved, and so I will be doing a sleep study soon! My once abnormally low Vitamin D levels are back to normal, so that possible cause has been eliminated. I don't want them to find something wrong with me in the sleep study, but at the same time I don't want to come away from it with still no answers! Please tell me I'm not going to be tired for the rest of my life! Ugh. Reminder: My problems with fatigue started in the spring of 2003 when I was diagnosed with Epstein Barr Virus...that's a long time to feel tired. Fingers crossed we figure something out!

And finally from my doctor's visit, I told him that I would be interested in therapy. I didn't really give it a try before in Virginia, but with deployment coming up, I believe it will be a good form of treatment to add to the list! I'll get that set up on Monday probably.

There it is, y'all! I'm just taking the steps to get back on track again and off the bad roller coaster ride! It's not as easy as it appears in writing...believe me. Getting up and taking action takes some time, and it takes some falls and stumbles. I wish I could tell you all that you just need the determination, but we've talked before about how words of advice tend to take some time to be realized. Just know that when I was in the worst place, there have been times when I couldn't take action, and it was a long process to feel balanced again. You know what it really takes? Baby steps, my friends. Baby steps. And eventually those steps will evolve in to leaps and bounds...it's a process for sure!

I really want this place to be somewhere people feel comfortable talking about their struggles. Just a reminder that y'all can comment anonymously if you'd like. Eventually, hopefully soon, I'll have a private place for readers to message me with questions or suggestions on topics to discuss. I'll definitely keep y'all posted! One more thing. Being able to come to my blog and discuss my depression openly has been a huge factor in my treatment. I just want to  say a simple thank you to all of my readers for taking the time to share this journey with me! Y'all are wonderful souls!

Hugs and love, my lovelies!
Amy

Depression Derailment...Ding Ding Ding!!!

Today has been challenging.

I believe that living with depression can sometimes make a person wonder if there could be more to the illness...like Bi-Polar disorder for example. My moods can swing so far from one extreme to the next that it can make my head hurt. I'm not Bi-Polar...there's much more to it than mood swings...but there are moments when I ask myself, "Is this really just clinical depression?" The answer is yes...yes it is...stupid illness!

Confession. I've been out of my medication for a while. Don't tell my mama! I don't know how many times I've stressed the importance of staying on one's medicine...how do I find myself screwing up so many times? I really aggravate myself sometimes. So here I go again emphasizing a point that I myself slip up on time to time...don't run out of your medication! I've got a doctor's appointment soon, so I'll get back on track. I simply got derailed when I started a new job and all my appointments got messed up because of schedule conflicts.

There's a good point! Sometimes we get derailed. The important part for us all to remember is that we can't stay off the tracks too long...the longer we bump, skid, stumble, and bruise ourselves, the harder it is to find that smoother ride again. That's what I'm doing...trying to get back on the tracks! Don't stay derailed too long, dear ones...hugs and love, lovelies!

Getting Better

Today is refreshing.

Hello, dear ones! I apologize for my absence, and I promise to try and not go so long between posts anymore. I want to write about a trip to Oklahoma my husband and I took a few weeks ago, but I'm having problems getting my pictures off the memory card and on to the computer...so that's on hold for now. So! I need to update y'all about my depression! I'll try not to be so depressing about it...ha. ha.

First! I had to take Kakashi on a walk before my appointment, and right when we turned the corner there was a mama duck with all of her brand new ducklings huddled around her. The daddy duck had been guarding her in her nest for a little while, so I was really excited to see them hatched! I thought, "This is a sign for a new life ahead of me."



Okay! I finally met with my psychiatrist! She's a lovely woman...soothing and calming...her name is Anne. When she called my name in the waiting room, I stood up to follow her, and my eyes immediately started to water. She said I could sit anywhere; I sat; she asked a question; and I started crying! Oh man, I was apologizing like crazy and grabbing wads of Kleenex...I felt stupid! But she explained that it happened all the time and that it was a very natural response...I felt better.

It was a 2 hour session and I pretty much gave her my life story. By the end of the appointment I was feeling more hopeful than I've ever felt before in this 14 year struggle...relief. So! This is what I have to do. Quit drinking - I'll be fine, though, if I have a drink on special occasions, but definitely not a social drinker anymore! Eat 2 cups of leafy dark greens a day - easy...I LOVE veggies and leafy things! Exercise 30 minutes every day - I was exercising every other day for a while, so I'm just going to incorporate more cardio to my routine. Therapy - that will start next month. And here's the big one...Prozac!

I've always been scared of Prozac. The first doctor to ever treat my depression said it could cause me to gain weight. And in later years, I learned from others that it affected their sex drives. These are not good things in my book! Haha! When I expressed these fears to Anne, she assured me that it shouldn't cause weight gain and that it in fact usually helps binge eaters. And she said that if my sex drive was affected, there is another medicine I can take to counteract it. So far no problems!

I finally feel like I have a doctor who is going to get to know me and really help me. All of my primary care physicians have failed me time and time again. Except for Dr. McKinnon...he was awesome! But all who followed him, were terrible. I would have to share my story every single time and share what meds I had all really been on...every. single. time. So annoying!!!

I've got a long way to go in this healing process...but I feel like I'm going to get there faster than I would have without a good doctor! That shall be my parting wisdom for all of us battling depression...find a great and wonderful doctor!

Hugs and love, my lovelies!

The Common Thread

Y'all have probably noticed by now that I talk about depression pretty consistently. Well, it's a part of my daily life and therefore something that I deal with quite regularly...so I want the topic to be a part of every post...even if it's just a sentence or a thought. I've updated my blogger profile to introduce this new direction, and I thought I would share it with y'all as well:

My name is Amy and I am a photographer and artist living in Virginia Beach with my Sailor husband, Tom, and our two year old beagle, Kakashi. I’m currently working a part time job and trying to get something going with my art. I love my husband and our dog and the life we have…I love the comfort and security that exists in my world. I have a very lovely life. But I suffer from clinical depression, and I’ve been battling it for more than a decade. Every day is a struggle…nothing is simple. Right now I’m trying to start a different path for treatment than what I’ve experienced in the past. In this blog you will read about my art, our lives, and about living with depression…I will try to be as honest as I can about how depression affects my every day. I want to be a voice for this illness and hopefully give hope to others that might be feeling as alone as I once felt, and sometimes still feel, in this ongoing struggle.

I have not had treatment for my depression since November, and it's been a difficult experience. I've spent more than ten years trying several different kinds of medication, but it is now time for something different...a new course. I'll definitely let y'all know how it goes and the steps I'll be taking soon. There is much more to tell! Hugs and love!