Depression, Divorce, Discovery

Why?! I can't go to sleep at night or nap during the day without thinking about all of the things I want to write about and how I would write about these things; and then I get in front of my computer screen, and all of the things simply vanish. Where are the things, brain?! This is frustrating. Maybe it's because I don't write as often as I should or make lists as compulsively as I once did; I don't know. Let's go with a bullet type list of sorts and see how it evolves.

* I am so broke. I haven't been this financially unstable in years. It's scary, and I don't see myself getting ahead of it for a very very...very long time.

* I want to share more about the end of my 11 years relationship (including 6 years married) with my ex husband. I desperately need closure or something.

* My ex husband stopped loving me and caring for me around the end of 2014, and recently I've been wondering if he just wasn't attracted to me anymore. That being said, will another man find me attractive in this new single life?

* Single life at 35 after the end of a more than decade long relationship is crazy. Men are weird. I have received more pictures of penises in the the last couple of months than I have in my whole life. And do people even date anymore?! I just want to go on freakin' flippin' date! I don't want to see erections at this stage of the single scene! Is that too much to ask for?

* I plan on writing more about this next chapter of my life under the title, "Depression, Divorce, Discovery."

Depression began altering my life more than 20 years ago and has been a continuous topic here in this little corner of the internet world since the beginning. Divorce has been the most recent life changing event of course which is challenging enough on it's own; but as a woman with mental illness, there were and sometimes still are several moments where I had and have wondered how on earth I will ever fully get on the other side of this event. Discovery. Talk about discovery holy moly! This is a brand new journey, dear readers, and I have so much more to share.

Hugs and love, my lovelies!

Still here,
The Ro Fo Sho

Express the Mess

I keep finding myself wanting to write and share and try to express the mess that's in my head. It feels as though there is too much junk, however, and I'm not sure where to start. So what follows may be a little bit of a free write I suppose...I guess we'll see how it goes.

I'm angry most of the time but mostly when I'm in bed ready to fall asleep for the night or sometimes during the day when I can catch a nap. Moving on since my divorce has been the most challenging thing in my life. I want to yell and scream at my ex husband and shake him and get him to say the things I feel like I need to hear for closure or validation or something! Damn it I'm not the only one who screwed up in our marriage...but I'm also the only one who ever tried fighting to make it work. I spent years asking him what I needed to do to make him love me and want me like he use to...I told him to be be honest and to let me go if it was what he wanted...I explained that it felt like he was pushing me away on purpose. He made me feel like I was crazy. And only now that it's over and I've witnessed how easily he has recovered and started living the life he stopped wanting to live with me, I realize that I wasn't crazy...I was right. He didn't want me anymore. I felt it in the stiff hugs he gave me and the quick emotionless kisses...his eyes would stay open and directed at the television screen. He laughed and smiled with his teeth and spent hours joyfully gaming while my jokes and silliness and attempts to be playful with him only earned me eye rolls, annoyance, and a dismissive attitude. If I haven't yet plainly said it, I'll say it now; yes, I cheated. I screwed up and I kept it a secret. I was drunk, sick, and lonely; and I wanted to feel wanted and I know those are only excuses and they don't and didn't mean anything when the truth was revealed. But lately I've been thinking of "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health..." I broke a vow...but so did he...and he did it over and over and over again. I kept trying to make our relationship work. When my faults were brought to light, however, I didn't have the energy to fight anymore. I had been fighting a losing battle even before my errors came into play. I guess I want him to admit that he broke my heart for years before I broke his. In the end, I lost friendships and family...I lost my husband who had remained my best friend even when I stopped being his. I'm wondering when I'll stop replaying all of this in my head...when will I run out of tears and when will I forgive my ex as well as myself.

He said he would help me after the divorce and that he understood it would be difficult for me to get back on my feet. I'm working so hard and not getting ahead; it's like a losing battle. So many people told me to ask for alimony and that I shouldn't trust that he would keep his word. I had faith in him and now I know I shouldn't have. He bought a house even though he was always telling me that it was something we wouldn't be able to do for years. He spends time away from the TV screen even thought it seemed to be the only thing that made him truly happy during our time together. You know, he even tried sushi after years and years of refusing to try it with me. More than one person admitted that he seemed depressed spending time with me and that he was a happier person after he decided to divorce me. I'm not sharing this to say it isn't fair; I'm happy for him...but I can't help but wonder...could we both have ended up happier if we had ended our relationship years before the heartache?

Thanks for listening.

Hugs and love, my lovelies.

Still surviving,
Amy

Divoce and what happens next...

Okay, dear readers, here comes the next chapter for The Ro Fo Sho! Long story short, my marriage of six and a half years has ended in divorce and I have moved back to Oklahoma. Out of respect for my ex-husband, I will not share the details of what happened except to say that we both failed each other, but that my failures were the ones that we could not recover from. It was an emotionally challenging time for a few months, and I have come a very long way. Over time I will share more about the grieving process for our relationship and how everything that took place affected my depression and was affected by my depression. I did end up in a mental health resource center for a couple of days, and it was an intense eye opening experience that will be very important for me to share about with you all in the future. I'm not sure who might read this, but I understand that I have lost other relationships in my divorce and I realize more people will inevitably exit from my life. Please know that I regret my actions which pushed my ex away and that I never meant to hurt anyone. In my defense, I know I was a good wife and I did the best I possibly could; I gave all of my love and all of my self and energy to try and make our marriage a success. In the end, I am completely confident in saying that I worked hard at our relationship and gave everything that I could. I hope that he and I can someday be friends, but who knows? He seems quite a bit happier without me, and I only wish the very best for him. I'm doing better myself, and I am optimistic for my future and this next chapter. Thank you to everyone who has stuck and will continue to stick with me...and apologies to anyone I let down. My hope is that all of us will continue to be civil, mature, and respectful towards one another. The only way to go from here is forward.

Hugs and love, my lovelies!

Still here,
Amy

"Night Sky"

by Amy

The Ro Fo Sho Art and Photography

Bruised But Determined

 

"Beaten"

I've shared this drawing before, but I'm sharing it again because it's probably the most relevant representation of my current feelings and state of mind. I was doing so well...so incredibly wonderfully well with my depression...like it didn't even exist anymore! I couldn't wait to share my happiness with y'all! As I told y'all before in the last entry, life has been challenging since the end of 2013 and beginning of 2014...and it's actually gotten worse. My most recent session with my psychiatrist helped me to realize that being in my home state and the confrontations I faced there, were triggers...I will be exploring more about what triggers my depression with my therapist these next few weeks. Anyway, my blissful, stable, and happy mind has been crumbling since returning from Oklahoma.

Grandma was back in the hospital, and I fear she won't be able to handle the next round of chemo. We're facing potential legal issues after I reacted in an emotional and unintelligent way. I lost friends because I reacted blindly in the shadows of my mind to something that probably could have been handled differently...and found out so many awful things that were thought about me. I've been emotionally eating and thus gaining weight. My heart is heavy everyday. This is one of the most challenging moments of my life.

But I'm determined to get back to that happy place...it was the best I had felt in years! Thankfully, my husband has been my strength while I've been shouldering weakness...I'd probably give up if he wasn't here to help me. It's during these upsetting times when a marriage is tested; and we find out that the enormity of our love will guide us through the dark...I feel like it's been a boost to our relationship...a reminder that we'll always be able to work through the tough spots if we stick together. 

My husband, the forgiveness and compassion others have given me, the understanding nature and encouragement of so many people, and my belief in myself...these are the things that will help me heal and find my happiness again.

Stay optimistic and stay determined, my friends...don't give up on yourself. Hugs and love, my lovelies!

Yours,

Amy

 

The Rejuvenation of Love

here is the picture i have talked about before signifying the change in my marriage. here is where i showed you a drawing that represented the turmoil i was feeling earlier in my marriage. i chose to use color, not because i feel like grays and blacks represent sadder times necessarily, but because it just seemed fresher to have color with this refreshing feeling! :) it took me FOREVER to complete this drawing due to the constant attention my puppy demands! but i'm happy with the way it turned out and okay with how long it took...in the end it was worth it!

this past weekend was memorial weekend, and i was super excited to have tommy with me for 3 days! he's gone at least 84 hours monday through friday with navy business such as school and duty days...inspections and physical tests...it's a lot of time apart and i hate it! when the weekend comes (as long as he doesn't have duty), that's all the time we really get to spend together! because of the holiday, he was off friday and would have been yesterday had he not had duty...oh well! we had the weekend at least:) the weather was complete shit which was frustrating but we made the most of it...i cooked hamburgers in the skillet...we had peach cobbler and ice cream...we spent time outside with kakashi...watched movies...played wordfeud on our phones against each other and peggle on the xbox...drank whiskey in sun drop soda and shared black and milds...played catch and tug with kakashi...kissed a lot:) it was a great weekend together!

now i'm lookin' forward to 2 weeks and 2 days...i will be traveling back to oklahoma with kakashi for a little visit with family and friends and our infamous annual river trip:) i'm really really really looking forward to this trip! it'll be a new experience for me as far as traveling...i will be driving and it will be about twice the longest distance i've driven before...and i will have a 6 month old puppy with me! yikes! it'll be okay...i'm a defensive and aggressive driver;) i will be so happy to see the people i love...but i can't help feeling sad to be leaving tommy for so long...and i can't help feeling sad knowing that when i leave oklahoma and come back to illinois, it'll be about 6 months before i get to go home again. this whole gettin' married and movin' away thing is a little tough! i love tommy and would go anywhere with him...but it's hard being away from family and friends. it's just weird! well anywho! kakashi is bein' chill right now so i really need to do some cleaning and try to be productive while he doesn't necessarily need me right now lol! :)

An Uncertain Future

i'm working on a new prisma color drawing that will signify the change in my marriage. yep... writing about the marriage a little bit now:) i've always heard from the ambiguous "they" that the first year of marriage can be challenging...and that when you add the military, the level of the challenge intensifies! however, with every bit of marital advice i've received, there has been the constant disclaimer that every marriage is different...and i respect that and appreciate that awareness. it adds credibility to the advice in my opinion...my opinion being my own of course:) i have not been given any bad advice on the topic of marriage...so thank you to all of you who have offered such great pointers!

to be 100% honest here...i was afraid that it wasn't going to work with tommy and me. he doesn't really like me being so open about our personal affairs with such a large audience as the internet, but i think it's important to talk about the transition from bad to good because maybe it could give some random person in the universe hope in his or her own life. basically...i wondered if i was missing out on a better life...if maybe we just weren't the very best for each other...that there was someone better out there for each of us. it was a difficult and dark time...but to make a longish story short...we had some counseling and we communicated with each other and we broke down some walls and confronted some issues together. we pushed and challenged each other...and when it came to a point of changing or leaving...we found compromise and a love that couldn't be broken. it has been tested...and it has passed. we made our way to the other side. i guess i'm being a little vague. but if anyone reads this looking for hope...trust me...if it's strong enough...if that love is dominating enough...there will be a solution...there will be healing. and i'm a very...very happy woman now. and i love my husband like i did the first moment i realized i was in love with him...but an infinite times more! :)

i expressed our turmoil through art of course. i won't explain my exact feelings on what it represented...i think the viewer will construct their own story. but this is when i was afraid for our future...i look forward to sharing the current drawing that expresses a new hope when it is completed:) this one is "an uncertain future"






the 2 hearts entwined in the spiral together has been the symbol i created for tommy and me since our engagement. it will be seen throughout my art...so there's a nice revelation for anyone interested in the meanings of my future creations...the entwined hearts will always be tommy and me. and now you know...our journey together will be expressed forever in what i create. it will be a nice little adventure when i start adding other hearts to that symbol...that's a couple of years down the road just so y'all know:)