Depression, Divorce, Discovery

Why?! I can't go to sleep at night or nap during the day without thinking about all of the things I want to write about and how I would write about these things; and then I get in front of my computer screen, and all of the things simply vanish. Where are the things, brain?! This is frustrating. Maybe it's because I don't write as often as I should or make lists as compulsively as I once did; I don't know. Let's go with a bullet type list of sorts and see how it evolves.

* I am so broke. I haven't been this financially unstable in years. It's scary, and I don't see myself getting ahead of it for a very very...very long time.

* I want to share more about the end of my 11 years relationship (including 6 years married) with my ex husband. I desperately need closure or something.

* My ex husband stopped loving me and caring for me around the end of 2014, and recently I've been wondering if he just wasn't attracted to me anymore. That being said, will another man find me attractive in this new single life?

* Single life at 35 after the end of a more than decade long relationship is crazy. Men are weird. I have received more pictures of penises in the the last couple of months than I have in my whole life. And do people even date anymore?! I just want to go on freakin' flippin' date! I don't want to see erections at this stage of the single scene! Is that too much to ask for?

* I plan on writing more about this next chapter of my life under the title, "Depression, Divorce, Discovery."

Depression began altering my life more than 20 years ago and has been a continuous topic here in this little corner of the internet world since the beginning. Divorce has been the most recent life changing event of course which is challenging enough on it's own; but as a woman with mental illness, there were and sometimes still are several moments where I had and have wondered how on earth I will ever fully get on the other side of this event. Discovery. Talk about discovery holy moly! This is a brand new journey, dear readers, and I have so much more to share.

Hugs and love, my lovelies!

Still here,
The Ro Fo Sho

Express the Mess

I keep finding myself wanting to write and share and try to express the mess that's in my head. It feels as though there is too much junk, however, and I'm not sure where to start. So what follows may be a little bit of a free write I suppose...I guess we'll see how it goes.

I'm angry most of the time but mostly when I'm in bed ready to fall asleep for the night or sometimes during the day when I can catch a nap. Moving on since my divorce has been the most challenging thing in my life. I want to yell and scream at my ex husband and shake him and get him to say the things I feel like I need to hear for closure or validation or something! Damn it I'm not the only one who screwed up in our marriage...but I'm also the only one who ever tried fighting to make it work. I spent years asking him what I needed to do to make him love me and want me like he use to...I told him to be be honest and to let me go if it was what he wanted...I explained that it felt like he was pushing me away on purpose. He made me feel like I was crazy. And only now that it's over and I've witnessed how easily he has recovered and started living the life he stopped wanting to live with me, I realize that I wasn't crazy...I was right. He didn't want me anymore. I felt it in the stiff hugs he gave me and the quick emotionless kisses...his eyes would stay open and directed at the television screen. He laughed and smiled with his teeth and spent hours joyfully gaming while my jokes and silliness and attempts to be playful with him only earned me eye rolls, annoyance, and a dismissive attitude. If I haven't yet plainly said it, I'll say it now; yes, I cheated. I screwed up and I kept it a secret. I was drunk, sick, and lonely; and I wanted to feel wanted and I know those are only excuses and they don't and didn't mean anything when the truth was revealed. But lately I've been thinking of "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health..." I broke a vow...but so did he...and he did it over and over and over again. I kept trying to make our relationship work. When my faults were brought to light, however, I didn't have the energy to fight anymore. I had been fighting a losing battle even before my errors came into play. I guess I want him to admit that he broke my heart for years before I broke his. In the end, I lost friendships and family...I lost my husband who had remained my best friend even when I stopped being his. I'm wondering when I'll stop replaying all of this in my head...when will I run out of tears and when will I forgive my ex as well as myself.

He said he would help me after the divorce and that he understood it would be difficult for me to get back on my feet. I'm working so hard and not getting ahead; it's like a losing battle. So many people told me to ask for alimony and that I shouldn't trust that he would keep his word. I had faith in him and now I know I shouldn't have. He bought a house even though he was always telling me that it was something we wouldn't be able to do for years. He spends time away from the TV screen even thought it seemed to be the only thing that made him truly happy during our time together. You know, he even tried sushi after years and years of refusing to try it with me. More than one person admitted that he seemed depressed spending time with me and that he was a happier person after he decided to divorce me. I'm not sharing this to say it isn't fair; I'm happy for him...but I can't help but wonder...could we both have ended up happier if we had ended our relationship years before the heartache?

Thanks for listening.

Hugs and love, my lovelies.

Still surviving,
Amy

Divoce and what happens next...

Okay, dear readers, here comes the next chapter for The Ro Fo Sho! Long story short, my marriage of six and a half years has ended in divorce and I have moved back to Oklahoma. Out of respect for my ex-husband, I will not share the details of what happened except to say that we both failed each other, but that my failures were the ones that we could not recover from. It was an emotionally challenging time for a few months, and I have come a very long way. Over time I will share more about the grieving process for our relationship and how everything that took place affected my depression and was affected by my depression. I did end up in a mental health resource center for a couple of days, and it was an intense eye opening experience that will be very important for me to share about with you all in the future. I'm not sure who might read this, but I understand that I have lost other relationships in my divorce and I realize more people will inevitably exit from my life. Please know that I regret my actions which pushed my ex away and that I never meant to hurt anyone. In my defense, I know I was a good wife and I did the best I possibly could; I gave all of my love and all of my self and energy to try and make our marriage a success. In the end, I am completely confident in saying that I worked hard at our relationship and gave everything that I could. I hope that he and I can someday be friends, but who knows? He seems quite a bit happier without me, and I only wish the very best for him. I'm doing better myself, and I am optimistic for my future and this next chapter. Thank you to everyone who has stuck and will continue to stick with me...and apologies to anyone I let down. My hope is that all of us will continue to be civil, mature, and respectful towards one another. The only way to go from here is forward.

Hugs and love, my lovelies!

Still here,
Amy

"Night Sky"

by Amy

The Ro Fo Sho Art and Photography