Express the Mess

I keep finding myself wanting to write and share and try to express the mess that's in my head. It feels as though there is too much junk, however, and I'm not sure where to start. So what follows may be a little bit of a free write I suppose...I guess we'll see how it goes.

I'm angry most of the time but mostly when I'm in bed ready to fall asleep for the night or sometimes during the day when I can catch a nap. Moving on since my divorce has been the most challenging thing in my life. I want to yell and scream at my ex husband and shake him and get him to say the things I feel like I need to hear for closure or validation or something! Damn it I'm not the only one who screwed up in our marriage...but I'm also the only one who ever tried fighting to make it work. I spent years asking him what I needed to do to make him love me and want me like he use to...I told him to be be honest and to let me go if it was what he wanted...I explained that it felt like he was pushing me away on purpose. He made me feel like I was crazy. And only now that it's over and I've witnessed how easily he has recovered and started living the life he stopped wanting to live with me, I realize that I wasn't crazy...I was right. He didn't want me anymore. I felt it in the stiff hugs he gave me and the quick emotionless kisses...his eyes would stay open and directed at the television screen. He laughed and smiled with his teeth and spent hours joyfully gaming while my jokes and silliness and attempts to be playful with him only earned me eye rolls, annoyance, and a dismissive attitude. If I haven't yet plainly said it, I'll say it now; yes, I cheated. I screwed up and I kept it a secret. I was drunk, sick, and lonely; and I wanted to feel wanted and I know those are only excuses and they don't and didn't mean anything when the truth was revealed. But lately I've been thinking of "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health..." I broke a vow...but so did he...and he did it over and over and over again. I kept trying to make our relationship work. When my faults were brought to light, however, I didn't have the energy to fight anymore. I had been fighting a losing battle even before my errors came into play. I guess I want him to admit that he broke my heart for years before I broke his. In the end, I lost friendships and family...I lost my husband who had remained my best friend even when I stopped being his. I'm wondering when I'll stop replaying all of this in my head...when will I run out of tears and when will I forgive my ex as well as myself.

He said he would help me after the divorce and that he understood it would be difficult for me to get back on my feet. I'm working so hard and not getting ahead; it's like a losing battle. So many people told me to ask for alimony and that I shouldn't trust that he would keep his word. I had faith in him and now I know I shouldn't have. He bought a house even though he was always telling me that it was something we wouldn't be able to do for years. He spends time away from the TV screen even thought it seemed to be the only thing that made him truly happy during our time together. You know, he even tried sushi after years and years of refusing to try it with me. More than one person admitted that he seemed depressed spending time with me and that he was a happier person after he decided to divorce me. I'm not sharing this to say it isn't fair; I'm happy for him...but I can't help but wonder...could we both have ended up happier if we had ended our relationship years before the heartache?

Thanks for listening.

Hugs and love, my lovelies.

Still surviving,
Amy

Trying Something Different...

Hello, dear ones, I'm going to try something different here, and I'm not sure what to expect. Here's the deal...remember how last time I was talking about walking the tightrope at this time in my depression? Well, I fell off sometime soon after that entry...stumbled tumbled and crashed...and I've been wrecked since then. I turned to alcohol for a while, but that made it worse of course since alcohol is a depressant. I'm a smart woman...I knew drinking was a stupid solution...but it was a temporary numbness. I haven't been doing that for a bit now, so please don't be worrying on that front, y'all! Every day is a struggle, my friends!

However! I have been pushing through. I get up every day and wash my face and get dressed; sometimes I put make up on haha! I've applied for several jobs, and every day I'm on the hunt and applying for more. I did some research and found a psychiatrist in my area with whom I have an appointment with on Tuesday. I contacted my primary care doctor and told him I was struggling, and he and his office have been really great about keeping in touch with me and making sure my insurance is taken care of with the psychiatrist's office. I take Kakashi on several walks every day; and every day that the weather is nice, which is most of the time, I take him to the pond to let him run around. I sit at the picnic table and soak up the sunshine; I'll write or text or play games on my phone with friends. I make myself good and healthy meals and I've been doing a little bit of exercise. Still taking my medicine every day. Still praying all the time. Still believing and waiting for the time that I know will come when I can start to see the light again...I'm putting optimism and positivity out in to the universe. I promise you all I am doing EVERYTHING I KNOW I SHOULD BE DOING!

It's like that Sex and the City episode where Charlotte takes Carrie along to a relationship self help type of motivational speaker who preaches about positive affirmations and such. It's a seminar of sorts and during the question portion, Charlotte asks how long will it take with daily affirmations before she starts seeing some results, and the speaker tells her that she's probably not believing enough or putting herself out there enough. When Charlotte insists that she is, she most definitely IS, the speaker continues to say she needs to do more! Carrie grabs the microphone, feeling frustrated for Charlotte, and says, "Trust me! She's out there; she's WAY out there!" So please think of that when I say, I really am doing all that I can do.

I have 3 friends here and a couple of acquaintances. But, each of them have much more than what I have...nearby family, other friends, and jobs to fill their lives with. They are the only people I have while my husband is away...they are the people I look to for comfort and strength...they are my number one people right now. But, I am not a number one for them, and I'm not saying that with self pity. I'm saying that because I'm a realistic person, and I know they have lives and I don't right now; I'm in a limbo of sorts.

So what I'm saying is I'm alone and I'm struggling and I don't know what else I can do. Don't worry...often times hopelessness of this sort leads to tragic and permanent actions...I'm will not go there...NEVER GO THERE! I wish my grandma could be here with me; I mean I know she is in spirit, but if I go to dinner with grandma's spirit, people might look at me funny during my conversations with her...hahaha..ha...ha. I want my mama and my sister, even my dad and my brother. I want my really close friends. I can't leave...I can't go anywhere...I have to get a job, and I absolutely must stay focused on that!

I'm grateful to have so many prayer warriors in my life and people who are also putting positivity and optimism out in the universe for me, people who send their love and well wishes, people who keep me in their thoughts and are here for me in spirit at the very least. I know when I share this, all of you wonderful people, will start lifting me up, so I want to thank you already...because I know I can already count on your love and support. Thank you thank you thank you! In your thoughts and prayers and well wishes, could you please ask that some family or some friends could come here to Florida and be with me...I just want someone here to talk to, to go to the beach with, to have dinner with. I know it's a crazy request, but like I said, I'm doing everything I know I should be doing, but there is no relief in sight. I just need something to go well for me...I need something good.

Here I am. This is embarrassing for me. This is difficult for me. I'm literally baring my heart and soul to the public, and up until I hit "publish" I'm struggling with if I should share this much. I suppose I should...no telling how many of you are out there crying alone in your homes everyday...if you are, I'm so so sooo sorry you are feeling this way too. The best I can say now, at this point, is to maybe do what I'm doing...when you can't think of anything else to do, reach out and see what happens.

Thank you, for listening dear ones...I'm already feeling a little bit better knowing that I'm not keeping this all inside anymore. Those of you who don't struggle with depression and mental illness, I know this is a difficult thing for y'all to understand; I only ask for compassion. Those of you who know very well what this suffering is like, I'm lifting you up too...I'm hoping and praying for you all as well!

Hugs and love, my lovelies!
Keeping it real about depression, Amy

Oh Jeez...Am I A Desperate Housewife?!

My Birthday was filled with happy wishes and kind words, and it really was a lovely day. It was so different from birthdays before, and I ended up feeling very emotional about it. In the past, I would have friends and family to celebrate with...if not the day of, the weekend following. And even though I was lucky to have my husband here (instead of gone doing Navy things), I felt very lonely. Tom was very sweet giving me a silly card and beautiful flowers, but all in all birthdays are really not a big deal to him, so he didn't make a fuss. Like I said before, I know that I'm pretty much alone in the fact that I love celebrating birthdays. And again, I don't want to seem self centered!  It's not that I think I deserve a fuss and the attention, and I don't want to sound ungrateful for the birthday wishes and Tom's gesture. They made my day! They made me smile and feel loved, and they made me laugh and reminisce. I'm so thankful for the friends and family and people in my life...I feel blessed to know and love so many! And, I love my husband passionately and (usually) understand his ways haha! But I realized where my lonely feeling came from...getting older means time has passed and life has changed. My family and Okie friends are half of our country away; I left some of my very best friends in Virginia; and my friends here in Florida have their own lives and obligations. My new friendships here have not yet evolved past casual acquaintances and social networking. Tom has been wrapped up with the card game Magic, and he's now completely obsessed with Destiny like all the other gamers in the world. And finally, my interests are either solo or require (preferably) other people to go and do things with like bars or dinner and such. I guess, to try and summarize it all, I don't get as much face to face time with my friends or my husband as I would prefer, and I'm a big baby about it (whining and pouting and stomping feet)! Eventually I will have a job and hopefully several projects with The Ro Fo Sho A & P (art and photography) going on to keep me occupied...but an active social life has always been a big part of my life...and I don't have that anymore. Ugh. I sound like a desperate housewife! I'm 32, married, have no children and no job. My husband is wonderful and a great provider, but he deals with a lot of bull shit at work, and I feel guilty asking for more of his time away from his games. A neighborhood of friends and family close by would fix the situation. Since I don't have those conveniences, what do I do? I know: grow new friendships, stay busy, be creative, and get a job (eventually). (note: waiting till after my husband deploys to job hunt)

Thanks for listening y'all. I've created an email exclusively for this blog. If any of y'all would like to discuss any of my posts, make suggestions for content, or have any questions concerning the topics I discuss, please feel free to email me at amyrofosho.gmail.com. Call me Amy, Amy Ro Fo Sho, Ro Fo Sho, or The Ro Fo Sho...or "hey you" etc. if you prefer haha!

I'll leave y'all with the gorgeous flowers and silly card from my husband :) And again, I appreciate all the people in my life and having this little corner of the Internet world to ramble about in and share with you all. Hugs and love, my lovelies!

Desperate Housewife? ugh.
The Ro Fo Sho