Singing with The Judds Instead of Cleaning House...

My favorite days start with my record player, coffee or tea, and sunshine...days where I don't have to be at work until later and I can be lazy and thoughtful in the quiet time when my husband is at work (he has a loud but lovable presence, y'all). I need to be more productive during this time, however, and that's not always the case. I'll usually tidy a bit around the house, but the housewife thing is really not one of my strengths. My ideal productivity would include writing and creating! But...here I've sat for a good ten minutes or so after writing that last sentence just singing along with The Judds on vinyl and snapping photos with my phone to share in this little corner of the internet world! So! Now I need to walk my dog and start getting ready for work, y'all! But first!

Depression update: I'm taking 40 mg of Prozac every morning, and that's it. I stopped taking the Buspar mainly because I can't eat grapefruit while taking it; and that's not working for me anymore; I miss my grapefruit, people!!! The days are up and down as usual, but I've been getting more sunshine, and that makes an enormous different in my mood! My primary thought with regards to mental health is that sometimes the medicines and the therapy simply don't work anymore, and the best way to start feeling better is to just be sick of it...flex those brain muscles and fight around those chemical imbalances and or deficiencies...seriously...adopt the "fuck this shit" attitude! Granted it has taken me 20 years to get here, but maybe if I talk more about it, it won't take so long for others to start improving. And you know what? Over the past couple of years I've started seeing more and more people talking openly about their struggles with mental health, and obviously I think this is incredibly important. My message for a long time has been, "keep the conversation going!" The hashtag is #stigmafree and I love it!

Dang it! I'm on a cognitive roll and want to keep going, but my dog and getting ready for work are on a time limit now. Damn.

Anyway! I have some art to share, but it will have to wait. Hope everyone has a great week!

Hugs and love, my lovelies!

Singing all the time!
Amy

Can't Keep Me Down

Oh dear, almost 4 months since I wrote last...I'm so terribly sorry! Jeez I need to be better at this! Well, last I wrote, I shared that I was feeling a slip in my depression and hoping that it wasn't going to evolve into a an all out down slide on the roller coaster. Unfortunately this is indeed what happened. First things first...dear reader, please don't share any of the following with my mama...seriously! She will be so worried and she has enough to deal with right now...I will discuss all of this with her eventually, but I don't want to talk about it over the phone with her; I appreciate your cooperation. Moving on!

Allow me to summarize this progression in bullet form:

* Started feeling the slip 4 months ago
* Felt like medicine wasn't helping enough
* Tried finding a psychiatrist with no luck
* Missed appointment in October
* Ran out of medicine in October (repeat: DO NOT TELL MY MAMA!)
* Symptoms of depression became worse and worse
* Basically had a break down and ended up in the ER the other day
* ER docs gave me some medicine
* Appointment on Wednesday

Good times. My break down happened at work in front of my coworkers by the way...yeah...good times. Ugh. Luckily, my manager was very understanding and knew from personal experience what I was going through...she actually went to the ER with me and was very supportive. My coworkers have been incredibly supportive and encouraging, and I am beyond grateful for that! My manager immediately began trying to cover my shifts, but I told her not to and that I needed to work. I went back to work the next day...eyes still puffy from excessive crying and visibly tired from the emotional toll, but I showed up and I did my job.

So I'll keep this short and simple. I live with depression and anxiety, and it's a bitch...no lie. I got knocked down on my ass and kicked in the ribs. But you better believe I'm stronger and more determined and this darkness will not dim my light. I'm going to keep on Ro Fo Sho-in'!

Still here, dear readers...hugs and love, my lovelies,
Amy...The Ro Fo Sho

An Angry Side to Depression

Time to confess all of my recent struggles with my depression, dear readers. My medicine wasn't working anymore, and when I ran out, although I put the refill request in, I couldn't bring myself to go and pick them up. Basic living and functioning have become more and more challenging. Anxiety and depression typically go hand in hand, but I never really had problems with it until this last year and a half really...and it's gotten worse and worse, I'm afraid. During these last six months or so, I've developed problems with focusing and concentrating as well. I start projects, chores, or tasks, and I can't finish them...I look around at the mess and chaos and I get overwhelmed. Mindless tasks become my only comfort, but even then, I'm still fidgeting...watching TV while playing a game on my cell phone and rolling silly putty around in my other hand...rewinding the show time and time again because I missed something!

I quit my job. I couldn't handle it. The noise and fast pace just about drove me crazy. And again, I couldn't focus...I can't even tell you how many wine glasses I broke. Normally I can leave my personal problems at the door when I'm on the clock, but I really couldn't keep it together...smiling alone made me want to cry with all the energy it took to fake it. I've found another job, and I start tomorrow...it will be quieter and more easy going I think...I hope...

I've unraveled before in my fight with mental illness. I believe every single one of us will at several points during our journeys. Some times are harder than others...this one has been. It has been one of those times where I have felt extremely alone. Now I know that I'm not...I am blessed with support and encouragement from friends and family from all over! Sometimes that long distance love just isn't enough. And sometimes the people who are physically closest to me can't seem to deal with me during my worst times...I can sense their annoyance and irritation, their lack of understanding and or compassion. Then again, that could be the darkness casting its shadows and distorting reality.

Whatever the case may be, I have recently had thoughts I've rarely had before. Normally, I would never wish my internal war and demons on anyone else! This period of time, however, has stirred up an emotion I avidly try to avoid. Anger. Attitudes toward me have felt dismissive and uncaring...like I've become exhaustive and a burden to be around. Usually I can deal with it...not lately. I have been experiencing resentment towards the people who seem to lack any ounce of empathy. I've been wishing my pain on them...wishing they could walk in my shoes for a while and feel the everything and nothing that I feel! I hate thinking this way, I really do. I wrote a poem about it...I'll share it with you all later. Right now...I don't know what else I can say on this topic. I'm angry, but I know my thoughts are unfair and terrible...I wish it, but I don't...it breaks my heart knowing that millions of us suffer. I wish it, but I don't...no one needs to feel this way.

When I saw my doctor a few days ago, I simply lost it...I couldn't explain anything at all without an endless stream of tears. So here's the newest battle plan! I'll be taking 40mg of Prozac with the addition of 10mg of Buspar, and I will be starting therapy up again soon. The therapy will probably help the most since I'm obviously experiencing more emotions and problems at one time than I have ever had before! Talking with you all has always been a kind of therapy for me, but there are things I can't say here...things that are too personal, you know? I hold back really, and I think that's important for you all to know. I believe in keeping the discussion for mental illness open and honest...our voices need to be heard! But our battles tend to involve details that aren't meant for all of the internet world. For example, I don't want to talk so openly about individuals or relationships which are a part of my story because that could potentially involve other stories that aren't mine to share. You know what I'm saying? I try and share as much as I can, I promise!

Anyway! I'm going to wrap this up, my friends. I'll share that poem with you all soon! Just checking in like I do and giving you all the latest update on my depression. I hope everyone has a great week!

Hugs and love, my lovelies!
Amy

Screeeech....Crash!

This has to be quick; I'm just checking in really! The title of this post may sound familiar...think back on "Bam...Hitting the Brick Wall," and even as far back as "Depression Derailment...Ding Ding Ding!!!" There was a part two to that last one, but you get the picture! I'm just trying to tell y'all that life was moving along fluidly and pieces were falling into place, and then suddenly at the last possible moment the breaks were slammed and I screeched off my path and on to a new one! So! As I'm sure y'all can imagine, this caused a hiccup in my handling of my depression, and we all know how difficult it is to pick up and get going again...but I'm getting there...I'm recovery more quickly this time, so that is something I feel good about. Anyway! My plan is to get on here tomorrow and update y'all with the latest and greatest...but we'll see. All I wanted today was to say hello and I'll be back soon...life with depression and other mental illnesses can simply be unpredictable sometimes. I hope you are all well and wonderful! Hugs and love, my lovelies!

Peace out!
The Ro Fo Sho

Depression, Fatigue, and Busted Knee...Oh my!

Let's play catch up! I'm struggling to get my groove back here...everything I want to share is a jumbled mess, and I can't seem to sort through it very well. So let me give y'all a rundown on my health...get the not so fun stuff out of the way!

First! My depression is currently under control, manageable, tolerable...in check I suppose you could say. There were some major ups and downs during my absence with the approach of my husband's homecoming, homecoming itself, and the adjustment period of having my husband home. I'll have to write about that sometime...a depression and deployment part three post, or whatever number I was on. Still taking 60mg of Prozac every morning, but I'm not taking the 50mg of Trazadone every night like I had been doing. I'll take the Trazadone when I know I can sleep in the next morning because it takes a while to get out of my system. I eat lots of veggies and get as much sun as I can, and these are huge contributors to managing my depression! Every day is a challenge...some days are easier than others...but this a life with depression! Ultimately, you will be the only person who can decide what kind of life you want to have while living with a mental illness.

Fatigue. Ugh. I did a sleep study...that was an adventure! Nothing like sleeping with wires hooked up and stuck all over knowing that people are watching you and monitoring you in the most vulnerable situations of human existence hahahaha!!! Ha. The thing that sucks the most, however, is the goopey sticky gooey stuff left in the hair that kept all the sensors and such attached. Anyway! Miserable story short, I have "mild obstructive sleep apnea with oxygen desaturation" and qualify for a CPAP machine. I've yet to get the machine, but it seems to be my last hope for solving this horrible problem I have with extreme exhaustion! Just to remind y'all...I've been struggling with fatigue since 2003 and during the last 12 years, I've tried a couple of things. I was giving myself B12 shots on a daily basis for a while..yep...shots...needles...it's okay it didn't hurt at all and I have no problems with that kind of stuff anyway. Then I was taking a weekly dose of Vitamin D of 50,000 units for a few months. My blood work eventually showed above average numbers for B12 and D, but the fatigue still dominated. I'll let y'all know if there are any improvements after I've been on the machine for a little while!

The last thing to catch y'all up on is my knee! After physical therapy and months of waiting to see an actual orthopedic doctor, this is what I found out...actually...let me try and quote the doc...

"Um. Yeeeah. Your knee cap....is...not where it's supposed to be." He demonstrates with his hands how my knee cap is supposed to to be sitting and how it's actually a bit off the mark, and then he says, "and you have severe arthritis behind your knee cap. I'm going to need an MRI first to figure out exactly what...I need to do..."

Got the MRI done and my follow up with the ortho doc is October 1st...stay tuned my friends! Here's a picture of me with my jacked up knee getting a thumbs down!

So there's the latest and greatest, dear readers! I'm slowly but surely getting answers...the key is to stay proactive about it all, you know? Hopefully I'll get some kind of rhythm going again soon, but until then...thank y'all for sticking with me like you do...think I might go take a nap now...

Hugs and love, my lovelies!
Peace out,
Rof Fo Sho

Blooming and Busy

Hi there, my lovelies! I've tried to write a few times this last month and a half, but I just couldn't ever get the words out like I wanted. It's been another long up, down, sideways, and upside down on the bad roller coaster ride! Below is a little something I started writing about two and a half weeks ago that I wanted to make sure I share...

Hello, dear readers, how have y'all been? It's been more than a month since I wrote last and I'm terribly sorry for that, but it's been a difficult time as I'm sure y'all have imagined with all that I've been sharing about my struggles recently with depression. Ain't it a bitch, right? Let's be real, my friends! If I could pick one word for this last month, a word of the day of sorts for the last several days, it would be heavy. The fight, my eyelids, basic functioning...heavy...a pressing weight. Every thing I do is with a push; I'm shoving against a massive presence that would rather keep me on my ass. It takes so much energy to get from the start of the day to the end of the day...it makes me just want to sleep...sleep and sleep and sleep until I wake up and have been magically healed and revived!
(written May 11th)

I'm happy to report that the weight has lifted quite a bit...the heavy presence has eased. I'm doing better...but every day is still a fight, and it's not an easy one just yet. And yes, it does get easier...there will come a time when I will almost forget about the shadow of depression that always follows me...I'll be blogging one day, and it will occur to me that, "huh...I can't remember my last bad day." It will be a big boost...another "high on life" wave to ride, and I can't wait! Time...everything takes time...I'm just trying to be patient and stay optimistic as I battle through each day.

I've missed writing, however, and I realize that I need to make more of an effort to stay consistent with this blog. But I've been busy! Friends have been visiting every weekend for the past month and a half, and today I started my new job! So here's what I'm thinking about as I share the latest and greatest with y'all haha...this is a blooming and busy time during my journey. Buds were bursting into beautiful blooms around me each day, and they became symbolic to me. I watched them during their stages and transformations...wondering, "what will this one look like." I took photographs of them at each new development, and I made little collages for Instagram showing their progress. As the petals uncurled and soaked up the sun, I was also blooming, and the sun was giving life to me as well! I am healing...

 Friends visiting and socializing, preparing for my new job as a photographer, and now training for this job have kept me busy. The truth is I haven't been managing my time very well either! Whoops. Ok! So! Time to get my groove back! I have photos to share with you and paintings I've done and poems I've written...I'm looking forward to showing more of the art and creative side of this blog; excited to bring a little sunshine to this little corner of the Internet! For now I'll wrap with the obvious words for the day (and most recent days)...Blooming and Busy!

Hugs and love, my lovelies!
Been missin' y'all!
Love,
Amy Ro Fo Sho!!!

Keeping It Real With Depression

Good day to you, dear ones! I've been home just a couple of days shy of two weeks, and I have been struggling. Missing my grandma in every moment of silence and free thinking; worrying about my family and all the conflicts present; heartbroken for friends with pains I understand all too well; dealing with insecurities and uncertainties in my personal life...so much negativity! The dark shadows of my depression are fiercer and more menacing these days, and it's exhausting having to hold them back while trying to keep my balance on this tight rope I'm walking...over and through this soul sucking bunch of muck! Ugh. So sorry to start off so dismal. Unfortunately, I'm simply keeping it real. This is living with clinical depression and other mental illnesses. I've been doing it for more than half of my life, as y'all know, so I'm fortunate enough to be self aware and knowledgeable about exactly what I need to do to win against these constant battles...

All of my blinds are open and the sunlight is shining bright all over my home. I'm drinking water infused with cucumber, mint, lemon, and orange, and I started my day with a walk and a healthy breakfast. Writing and sharing this with you on my blog is my favorite kind of therapy in dealing with my illness. I'm going to run errands today because I simply can't put them off any longer, and I know that doing so will help me feel better just by being in motion. And! I'm looking forward to spending time with my friends this weekend!

Okay, so I've typed it all out...now it's about getting up and doing these things! So there y'all go...a typical day of a person struggling with depression...let's see if I can do this! All of my readers with mental illnesses, today, just see if you can do something good for yourself; and as always, hugs and love, my lovelies!

Love,
Amy

(random photo of the day...of night time...but still good for the day too...yeah!)

Lost and Grasping

Hello, dear ones! I've been outta town for a couple of weeks and just haven't found the time to write. I'm also still struggling with my depression, but I'm doing my best...getting up every day and pushing through. Some challenges have come to light that will be demanding my attention, and some sadness has been shared that will be pressing on my heart. Right now I feel lost...just lost. Every little and big matter is up in the air simply hovering out of reach...I'm grasping for answers, solutions, hope, and clarity. If I could be summed up in one word right now, it would probably be discombobulated! Sigh. Anyway. This trip has had some great moments, and I've cherished the time with my friends...I will miss them terribly as always!

Halloween was a blast as usual, so I managed a few cell phone pics. First I'm going to share some from an early Halloween party Tom and I hosted earlier in the month since we were going to be apart on the day of...

As you can see...ahem...I like to get in to the spirit! Haha! We had a blast and I met some new and great people! Here in Virginia I tried for the same scary kind of look...I freaked the trick or treaters out!

Good times I tell ya...good times! Haha! It's definitely Autumn here in Virginia...I left a very green and warm Florida and arrived in a crisp and colorful fall! I just have a cell pic, but I intend on shooting tomorrow before I head home on Tuesday...

Oh yeah! Here's my pumpkin I carved...

Classy right? Right. Oh I amuse myself :)

Okay. Well. That's all I want to write about now. I received some very upsetting news about my grandma, and I'm not ready to talk about it yet. I would appreciate the prayers though! I will be back soon, y'all! Hugs and love, my lovelies!

Love,
Ro Fo Sho

Bright Pink Lip Gloss Can Make Everything Better

The mood swings are driving me bonkers on the bad ride this time. Stupid depression. Normally I have days in a row that stay up or days in a row that stay down. This time it's up and down and up and down...I think I'm getting whiplash! I believe there are several reasons for these highs and lows, but I think the biggest factor is the lack of consistency in my life right now. Well, sure I feed the dogs twice a day, eat, and sleep, and all that...but that's just life. I know I need to get a job, but I'm not doing that until my husband deploys...time is precious right now. What I should be doing is writing, photography, and working on my art. Writers block and lack of inspiration I guess. Anyway! The fatigue has been awful as well, and today I absolutely did not want to get off the couch. I napped and watched TV for hours. I got up once to eat some lunch and then I wanted to go back to sleep. So I stretched out and settled down into our ridiculously comfy couch and thought, "Tomorrow will be better." But then, I got angry! I have slept so much of my life away, and today, it just pissed me off! I went upstairs, straightened my hair, applied mascara and eyeliner, and as an after thought, put on some bright pink lip gloss. Y'all know the saying that goes something like "if you're having a bad day put on some lipstick and deal?" I tell ya what...that bright pink shiny color on my lips was a legit mood enhancer! I'm so serious, y'all! It was a simple little action that made a big difference. And I love it when simple things can turn a day around! So I say put on some lipstick or walk around in heels or have a t-shirt and undies day...makeup, fashion, comfort, and silliness can all bring a bit of gloss to a gloomy day and make it shiny again!

Hugs and love, my lovelies!
Ro Fo Sho

 

Lol, I look a bit weird here, but it's weird trying to take a kissy face selfie!

Had to show off my mood enhancing lips lol!

Dark Days

I'm taking a little break from my photographic summary series to talk with y'all a little more openly about how my battle with depression has been going recently. First, I want to say sorry for not talking about the dark days as much as I should have been talking about them. When I read back over what I've written before on the subject, it comes off like a motivational poster or generic words of inspiration...and I never wanted to sound like that! What I've said is true and has absolutely been motivation and inspiration for me on this journey! But after reading those words and phrases again, while trying to view them from a different perspective than my own, I was reminded of a totally different kind of experience that we all go through in our lives.

We all get our hearts broken in one way or another. Our friends and family quickly rally with words of comfort and compassion, and we begin to hear the same kinds of phrases over and over. My favorites fall on the topic of time: "Time heals." "Time will mend." "It's going to take some time." "Be patient, time will tell." And honestly, time is the truth of the matter. There can be a countless number of variables that could help and heal the situation...but the constant is time. However, we don't want to hear it when we're hurting. It sounds like complete bull shit! After a hearing it a million times, you want to start punching people or screaming at people! It's straight up annoying! And it's only after time has passed and we've made it through our trials that we look back and realize, "Yes. I just needed time."

So that is the place I'm coming from when I write the things I do about depression. I only found comfort in those words after I made it through the dark. Basically, the truth was realized on the other side of suffering. Does that make sense? I really hope it does! What I'm trying to say is that maybe my words of encouragement make you want to strangle me and scream at me, and I totally understand, so it's okay! When you're on the other side of it, you'll discover the truth. Unfortunately, being on the other side of suffering doesn't mean you're going to stay there. Depression is the no fun roller coaster ride. For me though, and I hope this for everyone, when I stumble back into the dark, I use those once useless words to help me recover again.

Get up, Amy. Open the blinds, Amy. Don't go back to sleep, Amy. You know this is just a temporary down, Amy. You know you will get through this and feel better again, Amy. Talk to your doctor, Amy. Talk to the ones who love you, Amy. Read or draw or have dinner with friends, Amy. Sing or write, Amy. Email Tom, Amy. Don't eat so much junk, Amy. Walk outside in the sunshine, Amy. Get out of the house, Amy. Get up, Amy.

These words have been ongoing in my head for about a month and a half now. A lot of changes, several obstacles, one problem after another, the long absences of my husband, and the days of loneliness have taken a major toll. It's been hard to get on my feet and stay there. This round on the depression roller coaster has been full of severe ups and downs. I can't tell you how many days I literally stayed on the couch sleeping or watching TV. I had an up day where I was trying to make friends with new people via social networking, but fell again and dropped out of the conversations. I've been doing better, but I tell y'all what, this has been a rough one...I get up and do the things I tell myself to do...but I can feel a physical resistance. The shadow of depression seems solid and combative...I feel like I'm exerting so much energy just to push against it. And I'm tired. So tired. Two of my very good friends spent last weekend with me, and it was such a fun time and I loved not feeling so lonely! After they left, I felt like I could sleep for a week. I wasn't pretending to be happy when they were here, but I was certainly fighting to feel that happiness and enjoy it while that dark shadow was trying to squish it.

I have an appointment with a new doctor coming up soon. I'm eating well and trying to stay active. And yes, I'm still taking my anti depressants. The words of encouragement and motivation are on repeat in my thoughts. I know that this is just a slump, a down time in the fight when it feels like depression is winning. And I know I've written very similar words before. But I also know that I'll get through it because I always do...and I will always ALWAYS be the one that wins the battles.

Stay strong and hugs and love, my lovelies!
Love always,
Amy...The Ro Fo Sho

p.s. Daisies make me happy :)

Depression Derailment II

It's been 2 months! How did that happen?! Oh my goodness...I fail. I do apologize...I know I said before that I would not be absent for long periods of time anymore...but it's been a very stressful couple of months. Crazy, hard, challenging, and consuming couple of months.

Here's the scoop. Depression derailment. Ugh...y'all have heard about it from me before right here. It's not a case of my meds this time...I'll explain it more in depth to y'all later. I just wanted to check in today and say, "Hi, I'm still here!" My life basically went from limbo, to transition, to arriving at a new place with a load of problems and obstacles to deal with on my own...while trying to settle into a new home...a frustrating and utterly exhausting experience!

I'm going to summarize the last couple of months with some picture posts...each post shall be called "a photographic summary;" with minimal dialogue...only because there's so much to say and I don't have the energy to type it...pictures are more fun anyway! I'll try and start that tomorrow :)

Okay...I'm super tired...meant to go to bed earlier, but really wanted to reach out here first. I wish I had some words of wisdom or something silly to share, but my brain is empty this time. I'm getting back to my old self though...so hang in there with me, dear ones! I'll leave y'all with a little glimpse of what life looked like a little more than a month ago...chaos!

Goodnight and hugs and love, my lovelies!

Still here!
Amy

A Little Bit of Serious, Fluff, and Nonsense!

Valentines Flowers from Tom

I hope the randomness of my posts aren't annoying for y'all...would you want me to elaborate more on one topic? I'm only thinking about this right now because what I've read, a successful blog has a consistency to it, from topic to how often one posts. I know my common thread has always been about living with clinical depression, but I don't talk about it in every entry. Hmmm...

Well that's a good thing! All of us living with mental illnesses know that it's not something we want to particularly ponder on a daily basis. Here's something for y'all to know; if I'm not writing about it, that usually means it's not affecting my day at all...those are happy days! But, today is a happy day even though I'm writing about depression...so when I'm writing about it, it's not that I'm having a bad day necessarily, but rather I just want to talk about it...remember what I've said?

Keep the conversation going!

Terribly sorry if that was all just a bit confusing! I've had a lot of coffee today!

Anyway! I just wanted to share a few things on my mind. So! Back to depression...let me tell y'all how it's going! I'm still trying to get to that wonderful place I was in not too long ago, and I've actually had some moments when I'm there again. I want to be there every day though, so it's still a struggle and a process. That's just a part of it though...one does not get better over night and sometimes not even after a few months. I think the time that it takes and the effort we put in to that time builds a stronger foundation for us to feel better and stay feeling better. So keep pushing!

I also want to share more about living with depression while being a spouse of a military service member and being part of the "military community." I'm always hearing or reading about how someone "could not imagine being committed to a military person" or "that lifestyle would be too hard for me." And then I read and hear the military significant others explaining that a "strong enough love is enough to get you through it" or "it's really not that bad." A strong love is definitely essential! However, it is a hard lifestyle with mental illness...life in general is a challenge with mental illness...but there are a good many more chunks of challenges when you become part of the "military community." I don't want to elaborate too much in this post today, but I do want to let y'all know that it IS something I will be talking about in the near future!

USS Iwo Jima Homecoming 2012

Now for a little bit of fluff and nonsense! For my husband's 30th birthday, I got him the new Samsung 5s...aaaaand I got one for me too! Lol I couldn't help it...he's been needing a new phone and I just really wanted a new phone! I'm not the girl who has to have a new model every year...but...I wanted one so that I could have Pinterest and Instagram and Candy Crush and basically all the good apps. It's perfectly fine to need these apps since I'm an artist and photographer and blogger, right? Right! I had an HTC Radar and it had a system that they had tried (and failed) to execute as an exclusive thing like IPhone and Androids...you know what I mean? Anyway...it was no bueno. Anywho! I'm especially excited to have Instagram again! Definitely not a fan of the barrage of selfies I see...seriously...how many times must one share the same silly expression or the same "sitting in my car" pose...drives me crazy! I love Instagram because it feels like taking snapshots of the world around us and adding filters and edits and such, makes the simple every day life all the more beautiful and special! Here are my latest little shares...

I made the collages using my app "A Beautiful Mess." I highly recommend this app and their lovely delightful blog! Photo apps are so much fun! It's like completely stress free photography for all of us professional photographers...we mostly just have to pay attention to composition and can basically forget about all those other little manual settings like white balance, aperture, shutter and all that good stuff! So yeah...I've been having fun!

All right I guess that's enough thoughts for right now. I've gotta start getting ready for work! Oh yeah! I work in a photo lab, so this month is especially relevant because May is National Photo Month!!! Yay!!! So get out there and print your photos, enlarge them, put 'em on a mug, transfer 'em to a canvas...so many fun things to do with your photos...don't just keep them on your phones, y'all!

Hope y'all have a beautiful day! Hugs and love, my lovelies!

Smiles,
Amy

Another Update...Because That's Just What I Do! Ha!

My lovely dears, it’s time for another depression update! Here’s a short summary in list form…because lists are cool.

Was doing really really well.

Triggers sent me falling back down.

Struggled and coped badly.

Got worse.

Got irritated with myself.

Remembered how great it was to feel the way I did before.

Back on track.

Getting better.

Seeing that happy light again.

It sounds so simple in list form, doesn’t it? All of us who struggle with mental illnesses know that the word “simple” will never be used to describe the fights we battle! The little side notes to my list would include damaging relationships, drinking excessively, making bad decisions, eating through sadness, and so on and so on. But you want to know what I realized through this last bumpy ride off the tracks? Of course you do! I have been dealing with depression (as far back as I can remember anyway) for exactly half of my life thus far. What? Seriously? Half my life. It shocked me. My own electrotherapy we could say…hahaha…not really.

So! I can’t even count the number of times I’ve fallen all the way down to the belly of the beast. I’ve lost track of how often I’ve had to find my way (with the help of friends, family, doctors, medicines, and self reflection) through the dark and back to the light. The number I know is 16 years…half of my life.

My psychiatrist recently told me I’m actually in a really great place of self awareness. I know how happy I was feeling, and I miss it. The extreme switch from doing really well to doing really badly, gave me a side by side comparison. The sharp and abrupt fall down, as opposed to the typical gradual decrease, was cold water to my sleeping face. I’m awake now; determined as I found myself to be before; and actually a little pissed off. I’d say that’s great motivation!

How are your journeys going? Are you making a genuine effort to take control of your illnesses? Remember that healing can start from just opening the curtains, walking to the mailbox, making silly faces in the mirror…just doing something that brings a little light, gives a little fresh air, or causes a little laugh (just to name a few) can start a domino effect of other little things that can start to bring some relief closer to you and darkness further behind you.

Stay determined. Hugs and love, my lovelies!

Amy (The Ro Fo Sho kicking depression’s ugly butt!)

Overwhelming October...New November

So much for blogging "very soon" as I shared in my last entry! Turns out October is a little bit overwhelming! It has always been my favorite month very simply because it's my birthday month and the beginning of delicious fall weather, but this year I think I overloaded my plate a bit. There was my birthday weekend, my friend's birthday weekend, Halloween party weekend, and then the Marine Corps Ball (which was technically the beginning of November, but I still group it with October so there).

I got super behind on laundry and my wifely duties...ha...ha...haha...ha. The husband didn't seem to mind, but the mess drove me a little bit crazy! It was actually enjoyable catching up on my chores and making my home presentable again...ugh...that makes me feel old!

I've been totally kicking butt with my fight with depression. It's been a relief feeling genuinely happy without the shadowy presence of my illness hovering about! I'm still struggling with fatigue, so my doctor wants me to do a sleep study...I haven't set that up yet, but I will asap! I can't imagine what could be wrong...my doctor's only thought was maybe hyper insomnia...we'll see I suppose! I'll keep y'all updated of course!

But anywho! Since October was just a bit too much, my attitude towards November has been to take it slow...live life a little different...out with some old routines and habits and in with a good dose of newness! We're halfway through the month and I've spent some time with new friends, reconnected with old friends, got a new piercing (cartilage) and a new tattoo (needs work), and I've been expressing thankfulness every day. I'm also determined to blog more...which I've said numerous times before...fingers crossed!

Okay then...that's enough for now! I'll leave you with flowers my husband brought me...he's so wonderful about "just because" gestures of love...makes me smile :)

Back and Better!

Sorry for my absence and for leaving on a super bummed entry! That entry was a week before we took a trip to New York City, so I was crazy busy preparing, making lists, cleaning, laundry, and going to work as well! Then I had cleaning, laundry, and work right when we got back! Whew! So! I will be sharing about our trip very soon...I truly love New York! I'll also be writing about the experience and how to prepare for a weekend trip, tips, and things I wish we knew before we got there.

I just wanted to say hello! Hello! I'm back and have lots to share with you all!

Also! I'm back on my medicine, so I'm sleeping a bit better and feeling a little more stable. Back on track, my friends!

I hope this work week goes quickly for all of us! Hugs and love, my lovelies!