December 3rd

The days leading up to Thanksgiving and the days that followed were extremely emotional ones...the holidays alone are always a more sensitive time for me, but this year has been the most challenging. A year ago, these were the days the cancer was taking over my grandma, the days she decided she didn't want to fight it anymore...the days I was trying to figure out how to get home to her. I was blessed by so many through Go Fund Me...something my sister set up to get our car fixed...those donors were my guardian angels. My husband was just days away from deploying, so I was struggling with wanting to spend as much time with him and wanting to make my way to Oklahoma. We were told that grandma had a few months left at least...but looking back now, I truly believe that Grandma was going to go when she wanted to go. Grandma was like that...when she got an idea in her head or started a project or task, she was full steam ahead...get it done now now now! I wish I had realized this on my drive to Oklahoma...instead I was angry at her for giving up the treatment. I was on the phone with my sister the day I started my trip, and Grandma shouted in the background for me to hurry...I snapped back to my sister, "What? Does she plan on dying as soon as I say hello?!" I was so frustrated and determined to change her mind to keep fighting when I arrived. I should have known. She and I were always going back and forth; she'd say, "Listen to grandma," and I would say, "I was right, wasn't I, grandma?" We'd smile and tease each other...our bantering was always full of love...sometimes I would say, "Ok, grandma, I should have listened to you," and sometimes she would say, "Yes, Amy, you were right." You can read about my last few moments with her in this post. It's been a year, but to read and relive it again feels like fresh grief. She did what I had snapped about though...Grandma and I only had a few moments together before she passed...

Yesterday was a year since her funeral. None of us were able to speak about her then...our grief and sorrow were too much. The pain and ache of losing her will always be a part of me...but now I can say the things I wish I had said then. Grandma was tough and stubborn...she could be hard and abrupt and downright bitchy! Hey, all of the women in our family can be bitchy haha...no judgement! She was smart and quick and feisty...she could get under a car with grandpa to help work on it, and she could make homemade noodles and cherry pies. She'd tear down a wall if she wanted and she'd cry telling stories about her sisters. She was an artist and incredibly talented with oil paints; she used to draw paper dolls for us when we were little. Grandma was loving and giving...she was brave and determined. We laughed a lot and and had so many inside jokes :) She loved her family. She was another mother to me, a teacher, and an inspiration. I miss talking (and complaining about) OU football with her...her voice and her hugs...going out to eat together...just...everything...

I brought one of her shirts home with me when I left Oklahoma, and I often hold it close and imagine hugging her. I've got it downstairs draped over the couch right now...she feels close :) I still speak aloud to her and even sing her favorite songs now and then...

I've been back to work recently, and I was able to write this without totally losing myself into a sobbing mess. I'm going to watch (and share) a video of her soon where she's teaching us how to make her noodles, and I plan on attempting that cooking adventure! I will always have tears for Grandma and I will always feel heart ache for her absence...but one thing I know for certain...she is always with me and I can feel her in my heart!

Special shout out to my friend, Stephany, for bringing me food and a sweet card on the 3rd, and for looking out for me during these past couple of weeks; it has meant so much, my friend. Treasure your family and friends, dear readers...don't ever take them for granted!

Hugs and love, my lovelies!
Amy

Tightrope Walking

Good afternoon, dear readers! I suppose I'll start with a word for the day...let's see...hmmm...unbalanced; that will work. I'm still walking this tightrope portion of my depression, and I've been wavering and teetering the whole time. I haven't fallen completely off, but I've clung to the line with eyes closed and not wanting to look or move. Sometimes I get a few steps ahead and am happy with my grace and progression, but I've still got a long way to go. This unbalanced section of the journey is truly exhausting, though, and I feel like I'm sleeping my life away! But I'm up now, and I have things to do, so I just have to keep pushing myself. Hopefully I find a job soon!

Moving on! I've left y'all hanging in my last couple of posts saying I would elaborate on a particular subject more, but I've yet to do that! So I'm just going to play catch up right now...

When I wrote about my practically perfect weekend, I mentioned thinking about my grandma. I started to write about it, but decided to save it for later; so I'm going to copy and paste what I began to share:

...practically perfect weekend, but by the time all of my company had left, I was confronted and left alone with the thought that had been lingering and waiting for my attention when I would no longer be distracted. "I want to call Grandma." I called her often but especially when the weather was nice or when a big football game was on, and I just couldn't help but feel that need for communication more intensely than ever since she's been gone. It struck me like a ton of bricks and I was gasping with grief through heavy heavy sobs...it was one of the most heart wrenching moments I've had since being back in Florida, and the first one without family close by for comfort.

I can think back on it now without feeling so intensely the lonely place her absence has left me in, but the memory of that sudden onslaught of sorrow stays vividly present like a similar wave might crush me at any moment. I miss my grandma so very very much...that's just the simplicity of it. I know I always will, but right now, while it's still new and tender, it just sucks...that's it...it just freakin' sucks.

When I wrote about my wonderfully inspiring night, I told y'all I would elaborate more later. Well, now I don't feel like recounting the conversations I had with a couple of inspiring individuals, so sorry 'bout that haha! What I will share is that after those dialogues, I was geared up and ready to go back to school! I've made this declaration so many times before I can't even guess a number; and obviously I never did make it back! Maybe this time, if I don't tell you about it right away, I'll actually do it and therefore update y'all when it actually happens...ummm...IF it actually happens. But here's the skinny on my brainstorm; I love writing, art, and photography, and so I feel like if I learn more and become more qualified in specific areas, I might actually find a profession I can live with while still chasing the dream of being a successful freelance artist and writer/be my own boss. We'll see what happens...I'll keep y'all updated ;)

Alrightythen, I'm going to go ahead and wrap this one up and start on a couple of more posts for y'all...standby for a discussion on deployment and a discussion on Fifty Shades of Grey...aww, do I have your attention? Haha! I'll leave you with a little collage of my face to showcase my new hair color...please excuse my tired appearance and disorder of my hair. Later, darlings, and hugs and love, my lovelies!

Peace
The Ro Fo Sho

"I don't want to go..."

Hello, dear ones! I wrote the following with pencil and paper, and I wanted to transcribe/share it with you this afternoon on The Ro Fo Sho. Part of it was written with structure and part of it was written freely as the thoughts flowed through me. I hope y'all enjoy my ramblings today!

I've sat down in front of my laptop several time with the intention of writing on my blog, but the words have not come to mind. I realize it's because of the noises and distractions in my parent's home; but I also feel like my mind, heart, and soul are filled and spilling over with thoughts, ideas, memories, and more! And so I'm overwhelmed by the excess and jumble and can't seem to organize them in a way that's enjoyable to write or read. But! When I pick up my notebook and a freshly sharpened pencil, rather than a screen and keyboard, there is a different kind of connection between all the ramblings in my head and my pencil to paper. Here I am on my parent's back deck (which was Grandma's for years), soaking up the sunshine and finally nice weather! The sky is almost clear and beautiful blue and the breeze is gentle and soothing with the occasional whoosh amidst the whispering between the branches and leaves that still cling to them. It is a genuine peacefulness here, and as I write I keep pausing just to enjoy this special kind of feeling...

I stopped, leaned my head back, and closed my eyes; I just listened to the sounds around me and relished the touch of the wind. I spoke out loud to Grandma. No need to share my words to her with anyone, but the experience is something to indulge in with writing. It feels so comfortable and natural to still talk to her; her voice remains clear in my  head and simply remembering how it felt to hug her is almost  a tangible feeling I can still cherish. The tears continue to spill in my quiet moments with Grandma in my thoughts, but they're more for missing instead of grieving. I have described it many times as an uncomfortable peace...I feel a relief that she is without pain and suffering, but her absence is very much an emptiness....the feelings kind of scrape against each other I guess you could say. I remember writing a while ago about needing more time, and how that's what everyone desires as any end approaches. Here's my "nerdyness" showing through, but I actually thought of one of my favorite TV shows Doctor Who (most favorite probably...honestly!). The tenth Doctor, played by David Tennant, has the opportunity to check in with companions and friends of his time before regenerating, and expresses over and over again, "I don't want to go."

The last time I saw Grandma, before those final moments, I hugged her again and again as I was saying goodbye, and I remember my last embrace with her. In my mind, with sorrow, I allowed the thought to form clearly, "This could be the last time I get to hug her." Following it was "I don't want to go."

On Sunday morning I start my drive back to my home in Florida. I've pushed this departure back a few times, and during this time outside with sunshine and wind, pencil and paper, I understand the difficulty in leaving. I don't want to go. I have the comfort of family...I don't want to go. I have the familiarity of my hometown...I don't want to go. I have memories here and all over this town and state with my grandma...I don't want to go! Grandma would say...

"Then don't!" and she would laugh.
"I wish, but I have to!" and I would pout.
"I know sweetie...but we know we'll see each other again soon!" she would respond with optimism; and we would hug one more time but with the comfort of knowing we had something to look forward to...

Grandma's spirit will be with me always and wherever I may go.

Let your minds, hearts and souls be open, dear ones.
Hugs and love, my lovelies!

Love,
Amy

"Ok, Grandma..."

I drove from Jacksonville, Florida to Norman, Oklahoma to see my grandma. It was one of the worst drives I've ever experienced! I hadn't even gone 40 miles before I was completely stopped in traffic for a good 2 hours. The panhandle of Florida seemed to go on and on forever, and I felt like I was in the twilight zone driving and driving and getting no where. Alabama and Mississippi were quick states to drive through and so I felt a wave of relief and a new burst of energy! Louisiana took so long to drive through...only 55 miles per hour speed limit most of the state, no gas stations for hours it seemed, and no sign of civilization for miles...it was another twilight zone kind of feeling. By the time I was ready to stop for the night, it was another long stretch of nothing before finally arriving in an actual town and getting a room. But as exhausted as I was I just couldn't get to sleep, and 5 hours later I was back on the road. The Dallas/Ft. Worth area was a complete and total nightmare! Normally, coming home to see my family is an exciting and happy time. But the closer I got the sadder I got...I knew I was on my way to say goodbye, and my heart was crumbling.

I finally got to my grandma's place and knelt beside her recliner. The nurse had just given her morphine and she was slumped forward with her head hanging. I held her hand and started talking to her about my drive, and I told her that I had been missing her...told her I loved her. I told her that Dallas was a shit show, and I tried to be funny about the morphine making her drowsy. She opened her eyes for a moment, and I believe that was when she realized I was there beside her, and she closed them and breathed out like a sigh of relief. I was about to suggest reclining her chair so that she could maybe feel more comfortable, but in just a few ticks of time she opened her eyes and her soul left her earthly body while I was still holding her hand. The nurse checked her pulse and listened for a heartbeat before turning to us and saying, "she's gone." I stood and stared in disbelief with my hands over my mouth and the tears rising, pooling, and spilling from my eyes...I walked away so my mama and her sisters could be next to her. And I knelt and sobbed saying "no, no, no, no" over and over..."no, no, no, no..." I went outside and fell to my knees again with my eyes toward the sky praying to God, "please take care of my grandma and please help us to feel peace knowing that she's at peace."

Time slowed so much it felt like it wasn't even moving...it felt like hours just sitting and crying and praying in grandma's apartment...her body leaned back in the chair like she was only sleeping. Everyone left and my sister and I stepped outside when the people came to take her...

She looked more alive and well lying there in her casket than she did in those last few weeks of  her life. My only thoughts were that she should just wake up...she's going to open her eyes...she's only sleeping. At the family visitation time, at the funeral, and all the way up until they closed her casket for the very last time, I kept thinking that she should just wake up...just wake up, Grandma...

I stayed in the townhouse where she and Zac lived until the end of December. I wrapped gifts and spoke aloud to her...I even sang to her...I talked to her and made comments about everyday things. Every time I came down the stairs in the morning, my heart sunk not seeing her in the recliner drinking her coffee. Every time I walked through the front door, I'd feel disappointment that she wasn't there waiting. A picture of the two of us is on my locked screen of my cell phone, so I've seen her face every day. I've gone more than a week and sometimes longer without feeling the loss, and then at the most random times it washes over me and I am overwhelmed with my grief. She is gone. But it still feels like she is here. And so it is a constant feeling of confusion, denial, and let down. I miss my grandma.

I started writing this a couple of weeks or so ago. I had more to say when I began. I still want to share more about my grandma, traits and quirks not everyone may know...the different sides of her I feel so blessed to have known. She was an incredible person...more remarkable than I think most people realized! I could write it all out now, like a tribute...but the thought alone is a wrench to my heart and soul! Instead I will share all that made up my grandma in pieces here and there...how who she was and what she taught me and what I learned from observation of her has affected and will continue to affect my life.

What I've learned, observed, and known about my grandma will be shared in no particular order...I couldn't even begin to organize them all chronologically! So...Grandma's first lesson: toughen up! There is much to be elaborated on about it, but for now and in this moment, this is what I know. Grandma would tell me to be stronger now. She would understand the loss I feel, but from her practical point of view she would advise me to start thinking about the future. Time to think about driving back to Florida; time to work on your resume and have it ready for the job hunt; time to get back to your daily routines. She would say, "Listen to Grandma!" and I would very stubbornly reply, "OK, Grandma!"

Time to toughen up. Okay, grandma...

Thank you for the patience in my absence dear ones, and as always,
Hugs and love, my lovelies!
Amy

Flowers for Grandma

Prayer Warriors and Loving Thoughts

I've called my grandma a few times these last few weeks, and every time causes me to miss her more! When we talked a few days ago, she sounded so defeated it broke my heart. However, along with that defeated tone, there was an undertone of anger, which was encouraging knowing that her spirit is still of the fighting sort! This morning, she was her usual upbeat self, always answering my calls with, "Hi, sweetie!" She wants me to come home right now, and I definitely wish I could be there with her. Finances and a variety of this and that really complicate the desire to visit family more often. I'm praying that she stays strong and determined for as long as possible so that when I am able to come home, she and I can have some more time together...good time. There it is...what everyone wants...just a little more time! One thing I do know and have witnessed is the power of prayer, and I'm so grateful for all the prayer warriors raising her up to God. And I'm grateful for the people who don't pray but instead send out positive and loving vibes and thoughts for her as well!

I want to write about other things, but I will share them in another entry. This one needs to just be for grandma! Thank you again for the prayers and positive and loving vibes and thoughts! I know they give her strength!

Hugs and love, my lovelies!
 Amy

photo from 2012

My Grandma's Stories

My grandma is dying. Worst sentence I've ever typed, worst thought, worst feeling, worst everything. I'm having trouble writing this; I don't know what exactly to say...I feel so...numb. But I can still sense the overwhelming sadness and well of tears just waiting behind the numbness...the weight of it is pushing against my current somewhat dazed state of mind, and I'm voluntarily fighting it back. I'm not ready for the flood that is waiting to spring. I'm not ready for my life to be without my grandma...

Right now I need to be grateful that she is still here; no grieving yet. I want to remember the abundance of wonderful memories I have with her. I've been typing and backspacing for the last five minutes or so...everything I want to say is sounding like a tribute. She deserves that, of course, but writing it out right now feels too final for me...and too hard in my frozen thoughts. So! Time to walk away from this topic for now; I'm clearly not ready for it! But I do want to share the videos I'm so fortunate to have from my last visit home.

These videos were recorded in April 2014 shortly after a stay in the hospital due to breathing problems. She was not doing well at this time (not as badly as she is now), but I was upset with worry! So I told work I had to go whether they liked it or not (they were understanding), and I was in the car and on my way in just a couple of days! I spent almost a month with her doing little things like getting her coffee pot ready for the next morning to helping her bathe. Before I left, I cried to my mama and sister and told them that she needs constant care and asked if they could please promise me that they would take over what I had been doing. They hugged me and assured me they would, and I'm so grateful to my sister for taking over that role. It's the most emotionally awful feeling in the world being 1,400 miles away from my grandma. I'm eager to be home and near her again, but at the same time, I know it may be my last moments with her. But again, for right now, she is still here, and I can still talk to her! And I have these videos...I hope y'all enjoy! I included the video I shared before for those who may want to watch it again.

Cherish your loved ones, dearies! Hugs and love, my lovelies!

A loving granddaughter,
Amy

The Toughest Grandma in the World...and a message from her too!

I drove 1,404 miles from Virginia Beach, Virginia to Norman, Oklahoma to see my grandma. She had been in remission of stage 4 inflammatory carcinoma breast cancer for a few years but was recently diagnosed with lung cancer. Grandma’s been battling it, true to her feisty spirit, but the cancer had teamed up with the escalating damage of emphysema, and it had gotten to the point where I finally said, “I need to go home.” My husband understood of course, and thankfully, my employer showed compassion as well. Grandma asked me why I had come, and I said, “To spend time with you before you get any sicker.” She nodded and simply said okay. I’ve been here a few hours short of a week now, and every moment with her has been precious and cherished.

She’s doing okay right now, and I’m optimistic she can get stronger. But it will be a tough journey…she really can’t exert herself at all without struggling for breath. The oxygen helps, but the emphysema cannot be reversed. She still tries to do it all herself when she feels like she has the energy. I catch her and listen to her breath become labored and finally ask her, “Why are you doing all of this when I’m here? Sit down, woman!” There’s always a chuckle, but luckily she listens to me and happily lets me do the moving, grabbing, bringing, taking, and so on for her.

Our family comes to check on her every day, and they’ve been taking care of her meals and doctor visits and such…it’s definitely a group effort. But, I really like being available for her 24/7, and it’s going to be hard to leave her when I have to go home. Grandma has said she doesn’t want me to leave; of course she knows I’ll have to eventually; so I just say, “Let’s not think about it right now.”

I recorded some videos of her telling stories, and will be taking lots of pictures, as we photographers tend to do! I’m hoping I can talk her in to letting me get a wheel chair and taking her to the art museum while I’m here…I think I can be persuasive haha! I just want to bring some fun to her so that she’s not just sitting and reading all the time…not that there’s anything wrong with that…but I want to make just a few more lovely memories with her right now. Maybe she can beat this…she’s determined and her attitude is encouraging…maybe this is just another struggle that my tough, feisty, and stubborn grandma will bravely conquer. She inspires me and strengthens me…If there is a person to truly believe in and root for…she’s my grandma.

Here’s a message from her to our family and friends who’ve been raising prayers, sending good vibes, and sharing love. Thank you so much for the support and encouragement you’ve all expressed…it truly means the world to my family, grandma, and me!

 (Had to upload video via YouTube. Hopefully it works! I will also upload her stories there at some point as well, but I will share them on here to let y'all know.)

*Update* I'm back in Virginia now, and although I loved the 3 weeks with my grandma, it just wasn't long enough. And the truth is...I don't think any amount of time with her could ever be long enough...I'll always want another story, another hug, another laugh...but let's not think about that right now! It was a wonderful visit with her. I took her to get her hair cut and to try a latte at Daylight Donuts; we had a couple of trips to the grocery store; we had a couple of trips to the doctor's office; we had a lesson on her egg noodles our family adores; we had moments of silence where we both read or napped...it was simply just a time for us to be together.

She was doing well at first. After chemo, she gradually got weaker and sadder, but then bounced back after that. Then her feet and ankles became so swollen it hurt to walk...a trip to the doctor, order to cut back on sodium, and a prescription of Lasiks took care of that. However, she was not drinking enough water and therefore became dehydrated and weak. I rallied the family to help persist that she drink more water. These were my last days with her before I left, and our family has shared with me that she's staying hydrated and getting better now. It was an emotional time with her...being with her through the ups and downs of all that comes with lung cancer, emphysema, and the side effects that come with the medicines and treatments. I did not want to leave. I held her hand and told her several times in those last moment, "Call me if you need me to come back. Call me if you want me to come back. There will be no problem...I will come back no matter what." My sister and my mama assured me that they would be with her all the time like I had been those weeks...I cried and cried and didn't want to say goodbye. I hugged Grandma over and over...it was a struggle to let go of her.

I don't know what condition she'll be in next time I see her. I pray that she wins this fight like the many fights she has won before. But, I also know she is ready for whatever may happen next. I'm grateful I got to spend so much time with her...grateful for the videos and photos I captured...grateful for her stories...grateful for her stubborn ways...

I love you so very very very much, Grandma!

Cherish your time with those you love, my dears. Hugs and love, my lovelies!

Yours,
Amy