Here comes the "doing."

Hi there, dear readers...it's been a minute...actually over a year long minute. Should I try and summarize the details of all that occurred during that time frame or start a new conversation? Let's go with a new conversation but with a run down on my current stats haha...

Amy, The Ro Fo Sho -

 * Still battling depression of course...it's simply a part of my life, always present. You've heard it from me countless times and it's the same deal - living through the ups and downs on the roller coaster ride of mental illness.

 * My art and creating have gradually lost momentum and I've been working on revving it back up. A year ago I wrote about getting ready to start selling my art and that never happened. Here I am today saying I'm working on making it happen again...hoping I succeed with my intentions this time.

 * The biggest update in my life is a new job!!! Much happier where I am and beyond thankful to not be in the chain store retail industry!

 * I'm also dating and enjoying my time with someone, but those details are not for sharing at this time.

So! What's the point in me attempting to write and share once more after such a long absence? 2 reasons:

1. Depression. The conversation is still going, but I've noticed some changes in how the topic is being shared and discussed. I feel the need to jump back in because I'm a little concerned with some of these changes. I don't know if "concerned" is even the right word...I'll try and better explain what I mean in the near future.

2. Art. I've been talking about it for too long...seriously...years. I have to stop talking and start doing. So here comes the doing...

This week and next (and maybe the following) I will be ordering some packaging materials for my original art. I will be organizing and pricing as well as researching the best process for getting prints available for purchase in addition to my original creations. Then, I will start sharing items for sale! Whoo hoo! No one has expressed any interest in buying my art, but that's ok...I will still try.

Thanks for sticking with me, lovelies.

Amy Ro Fo Sho

Multi Part Story of The Ro Fo Sho Part 1

Yesterday sucked. My mama shared some concerning news from home and I had to work at my normal person job. I'll write more about the family worries at another time when I have more information. Normal person job needs no other mention.

Today I would like to get some photos taken of my new art and organize it all...ones I want to share/sell, ones I want to keep, ones I have no idea if anyone will like except for me...that type of organization. I need to have a day where I focus on the business side of The Ro Fo Sho Art and Photography. My friend, Stephany, took me out for lunch the other afternoon and I was telling her how I wish I could just focus on the creative process and have someone else manage the practical side, and she said she would love to do that for me someday! In truth, I've been imagining her as a business partner for some time now, so the idea sounds great to me! It will take some time to get to that point I'm afraid...a few have shown interest in my art, but I have no idea yet how well it will be received once it's really out there for all the world to see...which brings me to my next point...

I've loved art since I was a little girl...I can't remember a time when I wasn't drawing. My very first dream was to be an artist, but, as I've said before, I also realized at a young age that it wasn't exactly a guaranteed paycheck. Yes, I know children aren't necessarily supposed to worry about such matters, but I was different dang it. That is all I will say about that for now. Moving on! Art simply stayed a hobby for years and years. I didn't take the advanced classes in school and I never did perfect any skills. I watched and admired my friends progression and the creations they produced; they wouldn't even call me an artist! They were extremely talented in my eyes, so it never occurred to me that I might someday have a place in the art world.

In college I started developing my own style. It began here...

I grabbed my sketch book and oil pastels and started scribbling...I call this one "The Beginning," because it was the very first time I let my emotions direct the drawing...I let the images in my head fall to the paper as naturally as they possibly could. This was done in 2002 I believe...holy crap...15 years ago!

Unfortunately, my train of thought will have to take a pause for a bit...normal person job...ugh...had to mention it again. This may turn into a multi part story, dear readers, so please stay tuned...

Before I sign off, here's a selfie as I've composed this for you lovely people:

The internet world seems to respond better to selfies. Yes, there may be banana nut bread in my teeth.

Have a great Friday, y'all! I'll be doing the normal person job all weekend and try and continue this train of thought whenever I can!

Hugs and love, my lovelies!

Ro Fo Sho out!
Amy

Off

Word of the day (blogging from my cell phone) before attempting to sleep: off. My third day away from work before I return tomorrow and it did not go as planned...I was very simply...off.

Couldn't clean and organize like I had visualized. Couldn't muster the energy to cook any meals. Couldn't move very far from the couch. Now I'm here in bed and feeling the failure of a wasted day.

Off.

This is the reality of a life with mental illness such as mine with clinical depression. I can identify it, acknowledge it, give it the middle finger, and hope for a better tomorrow...sometimes that is all that can be done.

And so I leave you with some art from the previous two days that were wonderful and lovely (the days were wonderful and lovely that is; maybe not the art). The last photo was of a drawing made with light heartedness in mind but can be interpreted as quite applicable for this post as well I must say haha!

(Note: I haven't figured out how to size photos from the Blogger App on my phone so I apologize if they are annoyingly large.)

Hugs and love, my lovelies!

Off
Ro Fo Sho

Congnitive Streaming

There is this constant narrative running in my mind; and I try to have pencil and paper handy at all times, but I don't always have the opportunity to take them out and write my thoughts down. And then I'm sitting here in front of my computer screen with all this shit running through my head and I want to get it all out, and it's freakin' jammed. So I go back over what I wrote and I try to keep the thought going and it comes out disjointed and the backspace button becomes the most popular option. Let's hear it for run on sentences and the word "and!" Jeez.

I made some brunch, started some laundry, brewed some tea, greeted my husband just home from work, and put on some Miles Davis Pandora radio......here I sit once again trying to recall exactly what it is I intended to pluck from my cognitive streaming...

Depression? Art? Dreams? Music? All of it really.

Here is something for now, I suppose...I don't write as often as I should and I haven't been sharing anything about The Ro Fo Sho Art and Photography or how my life with clinical depression as been going. Let's just keep it short and simple...I'm still here, still Ro Fo Sho'in, still creating. The sunshine has been the very best medicine, and I've been spending most of my time outside on my screened in patio, so this is where I will leave y'all for now. Here are some pictures of my outdoor therapy experience...

 

I will hopefully be back a few more times today in between times when I'm trying to be a good housewife and not the hippie chick I fear my husband doesn't like so much ha! 

Hugs and love, my lovelies,

Peace

Amy Ro Fo Sho

Travel Sized Art

I've been writing and creating and dreaming and thinking and planning...my mind is overflowing with ideas and dreams and hopes...and I'm absolutely terrible at getting it all neat and organized. I use to be a champ at making lists...how did I lose this ability? I have no idea, but I hope to reclaim it. Or maybe someday I'll have a personal assistant! Ha! Anyway! My depression has been under control for a good little while now...I still have the down days; but it feels like forever since my last long slump, and I'm grateful for this time. Those of us who live with mental illnesses never know how long the good or the bad might go on. It seems we get sadder and sadder when we're down at the bottom and it feels like we'll never get out. But then there's a kind of anxiety and panic during the good times wondering how long it might last. It's a crazy roller coaster ride; y'all have heard me say that time and time again...I'd link previous posts but I don't feel like it, so I suggest searching if you're interested. This is what I try and tell myself every time: When I'm down, I keep pushing through knowing that it can't last forever. When I'm up, I push the anxiety to the side, and I try to live in the moment and enjoy and relish every drop of that delicious goodness. Down or up...I keep on Ro Fo Sho'in'!

Today, I will be working on bookmarks, and then I'm going to laminate them at work, and then I'm going to sell them! How much would you pay for a one of kind hand made piece of art you can take with you wherever? Travel sized art sounds fun to me! Let me know, dear readers :)

 

This is my dining room table most of the time...completely covered in The Ro Fo Sho Art and Photography shenanigans haha! This is actually a tamed version; composed for a decent photo! Up at the top you'll see some rainbow strips, and those are some simple bookmark ideas I've been working on. I should give myself a deadline for when I need to have my art available to purchase...I can't wait to (hopefully) start spreading it all over the world...awww...I'm in day dreaming mode now, dear ones...time to wrap up.

Keep on Ro Fo Sho'in', my friends and hugs and love, my lovelies!

Love,

Amy

Quiet Peaceful Day and Night

Blogging from my phone but not using the blogger app...so we'll see how this goes! Today was gray and rainy from the beginning and on...and I loved it! I watched episodes of Doctor Who and ate Eggo waffles and drank French vanilla coffee. A friend reached out to me from a dark place in her depression and I hope I gave her some comfort; I tried my best...words can only do so much as we all know. Tonight, I listened to my Beth Hart (Better Than Home) record and then my Miles Davis (Some Kind of Blues) record...ending with jazz on Pandora radio. Most of the lights were off and my candles and incense were lit...green mint tea in my Doctor Who teapot...the rain still chiming lightly and quietly along with my music...peace and relaxation...and A Beautiful Mess Happy Mail for inspiration and encouragement. Tonight was quiet...the first time I've really been alone in a long time with my friend and roommate on her way to California and my husband at work standing duty...just Kakashi and me. My day was simply peaceful...and so be it the word of the day! My friend had an extremely tough day with her depression and it always breaks my heart when those I love suffer...I hope she finds rest tonight and a brighter tomorrow. And for all of you who might have also had a terrible day with your mental illness, hugs and love from me, my lovelies...I'll keep praying for better days for all of you. Remember the things you loved to do before your depression? I know it's difficult making the effort to do those things again...but it really does help if you can. Maybe you use to sing or dance to the radio...or read outside or play guitar...try to find pleasure in them once more. I usually stray from doing any kind of art during my down days...sometimes months go by before I pick up a pastel or paintbrush. But when I start again, I always wonder why I stayed away from it for so long! Art makes me so incredibly happy...even if I'm expressing something angry or sad, I love having an outlet for my emotions; an outlet that is fun and fulfilling. Anyway...just wanted to throw that out there and share some pics of my night with jazz, tea, and art...

Goodnight, dear readers,
Amy

Looking For Brighter Corners

My knee is still jacked up, and my ankle is most definitely still a little wonky...yes...wonky. I can't kick my feet in the swimming pool or sit criss cross apple sauce...I can't pull either leg up under the other while I'm sitting unless I want to feel a very uncomfortable pain afterwards. Can't kneel down, squat, or run...can't walk for very long without swelling up and hurting. Can't work. What the hell?! Jeez, I'm only 32!!! It sounds like the shittiest of situations, right? And, yes, like I told y'all before, I had been shaking my fists at the heavens and cursing the universe...but then I simmered down. I can still walk...I can move around independently...I can take care of myself...I can still go out and socialize. I have all of my senses and my health is pretty close to being very good if not excellent. Well, despite the depression and fatigue, but we're not talking about that right now! So yeah...it's all about perspective. I needed that time to cry and to be angry; to ask, "why me?" But, one must never stay there very long...one must intentionally look from another angle and see the different sides and the brighter corners. Find those spots, go to them, and they will help heal you.

Want to know what things are in my brighter corners? Words, colors, melodies...thoughts and images, lyrics that inspire, poems that make me look deeper...books, records, paints, pastels, and pencils...green tea and fresh fruit...whiskey and smoke...candles, incense, James Horner, Miles Davis, Beth Hart...a fun hat to wear as I write and type...coffee in the mug that was my grandma's...nature's chimes heard in the soft fall of raindrops...

When I started this blog, I wanted to share the art in my life along with the depression. Depression took the steering wheel for a long long time...I got tired of being the passenger. Some things do happen for a reason. This is where I'm supposed to be right now...to write, paint, draw, read, and enjoy some music...maybe this is a turning point for my dream of The Ro Fo Sho Art & Photography. I don't know how long this good feeling will last, but I'm going to enjoy it while I can...

Thanks for sticking with me, dear readers; I know I say it all the time, but I'm always ALWAYS going to be incredibly grateful.

Hugs and love, my lovelies,
Amy Ro Fo Sho

p.s. It's very important that I also share that this current situation would be completely different if I didn't have a loving and supportive husband. His patience and compassion throughout my struggles keeps me going, and I am unbelievably thankful for him...what on earth would I do without him?

Up Up and Away!

Good afternoon, dear readers! I'm on lunch break at my new job and thought it would be a good time to say a little something...you know...trying to get that groove back, y'all! Blogging from my phone, friends! Let's start with a word for the day...Up...yeah...today is up! Yay for up days!

I was so tired this morning and already thinking about how I didn't want to go to work...and it's only the 2nd day! Sleep sounded so much more appealing! Y'all know what I'm talkin' 'bout. Then I was feeling super sick to my stomach...legit thought I was going to lose my breakfast. But I gave myself a little pep talk of sorts and tried to work some mind over matter magic...it worked! I dragged my butt to work and I've enjoyed the day so far...knock on wood...don't want to jinx anything!

So the day could have very well ended up being a down day...I could have called out of work and slept all day. First of all, that would have been a bad first impression for a new job! Second, even though my body was asking for rest, my mind was determined to make the day different! It has taken me so long, longer than ever before, to rise back up from the abyss I was suffocating in; it seems like even one step back will have me tumbling down again. And I'm just sick of it! (Heads up, strong language in this next sentence!) So fucking sick of it! Strong language finished for now haha!

Anyway! For all of you suffering and having trouble finding your way out of the muck...try getting angry with it...get sick of it...throw your middle finger up at it! Screw this crap!

All right, y'all...time to wrap up! My new job is a photographer position, but I like to keep work details private...so no company name or any specifics like that. I stopped photographing people years ago, except for the occasional helping a friend or family member out. It just seemed like the right time to find my way back to one of the things I've been passionate about since I was a kid...so far so good! I'm painting more and writing more these days as well! This must be the light at the end of the tunnel...I hope! Thanks for taking some time out of your day to hear about mine, darlings!

I hope those of you still hurting start to see and feel that light soon! Hugs and love, my lovelies!

Working Woman Again!
Amy

Horatio the Lizard, Clutter, & Vintage Art

I. Can't. Stand. Clutter!!! Ugh. It absolutely drives me crazy!!! I feel like my home never looks clean because of the amount of stuff I have in such a little space. My grandma says I have too much "junk." I always try to explain how untrue her observation is...I have TONS of books and TONS of art supplies...books and art supplies can never be junk. I also have lots of pretties...ya know...original art by friends and family, colored glass bottles, figurines gifted over the years, and items that simply mean too much to throw away. Most of them are stored away anyway because I don't have any room! Anywho. It's cluttered in my tiny apartment. My husband isn't bothered at all by it and therefore does not try to help me maintain the cluttered situation. This is a really big deal, guys! I hope y'all feel enormous depths of sympathy for me...thanks! I appreciate it :)

So! My little Ro Fo Sho workspace was always a little cluttered because it's a tiny excuse for a room, and, like I said before, it's full of books and art supplies. Oh! And office supplies too...can't throw away office supplies, grandma :) Well, it became even more of a state of disorder when Horatio moved in. Meet Horatio.

Hello, lizard lizard. Every morning I say, "Good morning, lizard lizard." and every night I say, "Night night, lizard lizard." He belongs to our friend, Dave, who is deployed...we are lizard sitting. He's in a tank...a big tank...a big ol' tank that uses a good chunk of space in the Ro Fo Sho workspace. It was the only place for him, and of course, we're happy to watch him...and I think he enjoys my company since most creatures on Earth do...haha. However, Horatio is definitely a big contributing factor to clutter...he can't help it though so I don't begrudge him. Look how incredibly untidy my little art room is...

You can see a bit of Horatio's home on the right edge there. The room had become messier and messier over time because I wasn't using my space (due to issues with that stupid illness I told y'all about last time), so I had to do a bit of shuffling and reorganizing. I considered showing before and after photos but there's not that great of a difference between what it looked like before and what you see here. Is that sad? Oh man, it can't be sad...I did the best I could! And anyway! I'm surrounded by inspiration and happy memories...it's a bearable type of clutter I suppose!

Well, I'm sorry that I wrote about such an uninspiring subject! But I simply had to commiserate. Oh! My shuffling and reorganizing revealed a couple of drawings I did about ten or eleven years ago...

 

The first one is my sister and me...as fairies...in case you missed that :) And the second one is a drawing I did for my sister either before or after she went to New York to the American Musical and Dramatic Academy...I guess I never gave it to her...my bad, beetle! (Beetle is my sister's nickname in case you were wondering) Beetle's drawing was supposed to be like an interpretation of her soul and her life...a fiery passion and love for the performing arts and a country girl's dream of the big city. I should frame it for her and send it to her...it's not that great...but maybe it'll remind her that she can still make her dreams come true!

A lizard named Horatio, a cluttered art room, and a couple of "vintage" (haha) drawings...something for everyone! Enjoy the random things in life and hugs and love, my lovelies!

Fatigue and Vitamin D

My fight with depression has been challenging. I haven’t had the desire to draw or write for several weeks now. I can’t possibly go into too much detail on all the doctor visits and additional meds I’ve acquired, but I can summarize it pretty easily. Started seeing my therapist, Net, but have only had one session with her. Saw my primary care about my fatigue and have been prescribed a high unit of vitamin D to take weekly. Net told me to keep a journal of what I’m thinking of every time I catch myself in the yucky mucky grip of depression, and I’ve zeroed in on fatigue and one other element that I can’t share right now. So, I’m hopeful that after all the tests and blood work I’ve been through, that the vitamin D deficiency and therefore treatment may turn things around for me. My fatigue has always been blamed on being diagnosed with the Epstein Barr Virus and my depression, however, treatment has never helped with the fatigue. I pray that over time I can bring my vitamin D levels up and see a significant change. I need a blue light though because although I love being outside, I usually seek shade because of my fair skin’s problem with sunlight and burning and freckling.  10 minute doses of sunlight will help without hurting me, but my levels are so low that it’s going to take quite a bit of time to bring them back up. So I feel like having a blue light for fatigue therapy with contribute greatly to my search for relief of this tired feeling that never goes away. I would greatly appreciate any prayers, well wishes, good thoughts, and positive vibes y’all might feel like sending me. A big thank you if you do!

So I work in a photo lab again. I’ll try not to say specifically where, in case I want to complain, but I’ll try not to do that anyway since the fact could easily be found out. I am enjoying being in a lab again, but I do miss my old lab. It’s a very different environment than before and with several new and annoying problems. However being around photos and hearing customer’s stories are happy things for me…and I’ll start printing MY photos again…I have 2 years to catch up on. Pictures on the computer will never be enough for me…I need them in photo albums and frames…much more personal and adds something  unique…since I know not many other people will have framed pictures of a cake that says, “Anchors Aweigh Mother F*****” for example! So yeah, I’m happy to be in a photo lab again.

I finally finished a drawing that took me forever to do! It’s called Over the Rainbow, and I think the title is significant because it was a struggle to finish it. Finally completing it was an accomplishment…I think suggesting the notion of “over the rainbow” is like saying I had a vision and finally completed it. I struggled with even liking it, and I wanted to give up several times…but I could never work past it. When I finished it, I took a picture of it on my cell and sent it to my dad for my parents to see. This was right before Father’s Day, and the night that I sent it, I got a call from my mama sayin’, “Your daddy loves that picture and would really like it for Father’s Day.” I sent him a card, but he’s still waiting on the picture…I need to get it matted and framed before I send it to him.

I’m really really really hoping that the vitamin D, the new job, and the completion of a difficult drawing are all signs for a positive turn around without all these dips I keep falling in to. I just want this fatigue to end…the end will be the light I’ve been searching for in the all too often moments of darkness.

I don't want to go to work!

Today is a 4 out of 10...just because I have to work at my part time job instead of stay home and create.

I have so much enthusiasm for my art adventure that I wish I didn't have to go to work today :( I won't go bashing the company I currently work for because that's just rude, but I will say that it just isn't the right fit for me. Therefore, I have been a terrible employee, and it has become embarrassing! I gave my resignation notice, and I'm pursuing another job where I will be doing at least a part of one of my passions...photography...I think I will do much better and be much happier! Fingers crossed! Knock on wood!

Well, I didn't really have anything interesting to say, and I need to start getting ready for work. Boo. Sniffle. I share these two pictures because my next couple of projects will be with oil pastel and my graphite pencils. I've been working with my Prismacolors a bunch so it's time to move on! I'm also trying a new thing involving crayons and watercolor...it's been a trial and error type of experience! I can't wait to share all of my new art with you all!

Hugs and love, my lovelies!
The Ro Fo Sho

Pumping Up The Ro Fo Sho...

Today is a good day.

I cannot remember a time when I wasn't drawing or interested in art. I remember that I would draw my whole family and write their names above their heads. I don't remember ever coloring outside the lines...even though I'm sure there was a time that I did! But, I do remember in 1st grade when the teacher leading us in some kind of coloring exercise said, "Always stay in the lines," I thought, "Duh." :) My first memory is drawing people kind of like this:



Haha, I never gave the girls eyebrows because I thought they looked like boys with them! I don't know why! As I got older, I started seeing faces as more of a "U" shape than a circle, and I started drawing my hands like mittens and my feet in shoes. My first childhood dream was to be an artist. However, even though I was an imaginative little girl, I was also a bit practical. As I grew older I learned that being an artist was not a stable career choice. So, I just drew and painted as a hobby for many many...many years! :)

When I was 13 or 14 years old, I developed and interest in photography. I wrote myself a letter to open when I turned 20. You can read about that story here. It's actually one of my favorite posts I've ever written, so I encourage you to read it for the first time or again...I loved reading it again :) If that makes me silly, I don't care! EXTREMELY long story short...I have evolved since that post. I've also derailed since that post. I was up and ready to go...and then I was battling my depression again...2 years of me trying to feel stable again. I produced a TON of art for a brief moment, and then I stopped for a long time. Well! I've started again, AND I've started photographing again. And since I'm on a good solid path for treatment (which was described in my last post here) I have the enthusiasm again. I also have a time limit...I'm 30...if I don't get it together now, I'll be 40 and wondering what I did in the last decade.

Here are the things going on for The Ro Fo Sho Art & Photography: I've created my own little space to really WORK in...to feel inspired and create in. It is indeed very little, and I really need another table, as well as more shelving. I don't want to spend a bunch of money on that right now...I need to make sure I have enough for paper, canvases, pencils, pastels, etc. for what I have planned. Once I get enough pieces to use as examples for what I have to offer, I will create a facebook fan page...hopefully very soon! Someday I'll have a website too! But here's the biggest news I can share: I'm really really REALLY going to try and go back to school for an art education degree, so that I may learn how to become a better artist and so that I can really share my passion with the people who need passion the most, the youth!



 

 

 

 

It's going to be a challenging journey for me. Even though I've started treatment for my clinical depression, I have a long way to go because I waited too long to be as proactive about it as I am now. There are still mornings I don't want to get out of bed...there are still moments when I look off into space and think, "I'm too old and tired to do anything now. I've run out of time." These thoughts, even typing them, bring a clenched feeling in my chest of darkness and hopelessness...but I consciously make myself push it away...I channel in light and inspiration instead. The thing is I AM older...and if I don't get better, then I'm wasting my life. So, my parting wisdom for today...depression causes life to pass too quickly and before you know it, you've felt miserable for far too long...don't let this happen! Find a way to bring the light and inspiration back in to yourself...bring yourself back to who you were before the dark. Don't give up!

Hugs and love, my lovelies!

Restoration and Black Hole Sun

this is my most recent project...i've been working on it for a month now...not steadily but rather on and off. i guess i wasn't feeling inspired for a while there. i was more preoccupied with stress over finding a job and preparing for my husband's deployment. however, a lot of changes in plans have developed! i will be moving to my home state during tom's deployment, and because of this, i won't be looking for a job until i'm settled back in out in oklahoma. so! my only stress now is getting ready to put our things in storage...and of course...still preparing for deployment...being separated from my best friend and love of my life for almost all of the second year of our marriage. sniffle. such is the military life. gotta suck it up!

so i'm back on track with my art! feeling inspired once more and feeling that intangible need to create!  part of this rejuvenation also comes with my new goals and personal determination to better myself. so let's deviate there for a bit before i go more in depth about this new piece...

i feel so ugly and gross. i feel like this body is not my own...like it all of sudden got so much older and more pathetic. it's been really really...really hard. there are other reasons for this inner perception i possess, but i can't really talk about them here. fortunately, i believe that i've finally made it to a breaking point...a point where if i don't turn it around...i'm only going to get worse and worse. i use to be so fit and healthy...limitless energy! now i'm uncomfortable in this body...this body limits everything...this body keeps me from being the person i use to be. and i've been whining about it for a long time...every now and then starting new exercise routines or sticking with healthy eating habits...only to fall off the wagon or lose a grip on the dedication. not this time! it's been about 3 weeks now that i've been working out and eating better...and i've been pushing myself hard this time and even through pain and hunger and fatigue! i know with complete certainty that i am going to reclaim my former self this time...and i will be better than i've ever been!

so this drawing...it's been a part of this personal restoration...i've been channeling memories of how good i use to feel in to this drawing...summer time memories and lake memories! memories of a time when i was young and healthy and had the world at my feet. as i've been drawing this i've had some song lyrics stuck in my head...

"black hole sun, won't you come and wash away the rain? black hole sun, won't  you come? won't you come?" (sound garden) of course the rest of the song doesn't necessarily fit with this drawing haha...but this particular part is somewhat fitting! i'm reflecting on the past...wishing for the sun in a sense of new light and...wash away the rain in a sense of ridding the gloom. make sense? this drawing is going to be a whole page of color and somewhat psychedelic images...it's going to be vibrant and vivid. vibrant and vivid...that's how i want to feel too!

"Overwhelming Passion"

"Overwhelming Passion"

i have a rough draft of what i wanted this post to be about in my little "creative writing" type notebook...it was going to be a "life's art" segment...but i've decided to save it, and go a different direction here because i've started to bore myself with myself on "life's art." that's not a good situation!!! i only really feel this way though because i actually feel very passionate about the topics i approach, and i don't feel like i've conveyed that passion accurately. my little rough draft delves more in to a stronger telling of my opinions...but i'll share it later.

passion is my word. do you have a word? if i could think of a person to most clearly personify the word passion, it would be myself...i've never met anyone as passionate as me. i know passionate people and people that have passionate views and people that are passionate about what they do or who they love and so on and so forth...but i've never met anyone passionate about so many things as i am passionate about. honestly, this has often times been a fault...i'll find myself WAY too overly emotional about things because i feel such a strong intensity of emotions. i'm not sure how i became this way...but one thing i do know about this characteristic of mine, is that my husband was meant for me to balance out my passionate ways. if i am the personification of passion, my husband is the very opposite! i believe that the only thing he is really passionate about is me lol:) i'm not complaining though:) he is sooooo good at calming me down or bringing things back in to a "normal" perspective. he can shush me...and not in a patronizing way...but rather in a calming zen "find your center" kind of way. he knows when i need it and when i don't...when it comes to my art...there is no way that anyone or anything can come in and turn down my dial!

my passion spreads out my focus...i feel like this has been a challenge. i feel very passionately about photography, drawing, painting, singing, and writing...each one gets the same amount of passion, but they don't each get the same amount of focus. i believe that if i could focus on just one, i could become successful with that endeavor. but i can't focus on just one...i want to wrap it all up together and make a life with all of it at once...i believe this causes me to not excel at any just one. like a "jack of all trades but master of none" type of deal. meh. i'm gonna tell myself to shut up now...

i'm a very fanciful person but also very practical...i describe myself as being a woman with her head in the clouds but her feet on the ground. i can't talk about passion and the things that consume me without trying to analyze and break them down at the same time. so i'm telling myself to shut up now lol:)

you know what i really want to do? let me tell you! i want giant canvases and giant amounts of paint...i want to cover myself in colors and roll around on the canvas! i want to put my whole body into creating something i hope to find visually appealing...and i will do that someday. i want bigger pieces of paper to put visions down in pencil and pastels...smudging and blending with my fingertips and hands. i want to get back the intimacy i once had with my photography...that is old school film with a dark room...so i can be part of every step of the creation in a more hands on stimulates all the senses kind of way...something you can't feel with digital and computers. this is why i love art so much! whether it's writing or drawing or singing or photographing...for me...it allows me to put my whole body in to the expression...a feeling of being able to grasp something concrete out of the abstract. it's like i have so much passion inside me, that can be simplified as a passion for life, that i have to get it out in some form...and it happens to be that i enjoy all different kinds of forms.

well anyway. i've rambled enough and have probably effectively established my place as a crazy lady. oh well...not going to apologize for being me! :) if there is a lesson in any of this, it is to find something to be passionate about. express something intangible in a tangible way. i suppose some people go through life perfectly content without ever feeling too overwhelmed by themselves...but for those who feel like they have something inside that needs to be let out...i suggest belting a song, free writing on whatever is available to write on, or diving in to some finger paints...just to name a few:)

"My Star"

Rain

i finally finished this drawing that i wrote about here...it only took me a month and 9 days to complete...that's not much...is it? is it? well it kind of is...but you'll see why once i actually show you the whole picture!!! that's not going to happen in this entry though. this is why: when i finish a picture i secure it in corner mounts on black paper thumb tacked to the wall in our second bedroom. i have to photograph it while there is still enough light bouncing around all the walls...and there's just not enough right now...the sunlight is too far removed from the windows in there. so it'll have to wait a little longer...but don't worry...i'll share another drawing! let's see...which one...



now this is not one of my favorites...but it's rain...which would imply cool refreshing water. and since most of the country is experiencing dangerous heat conditions, i'm sure we are all wishing for some cooler weather...and some rain for the areas affected by drought. i did this with oil pastels and although it may appear pretty straight forward and easy...the blue background probably took an hour. there's about 4 shades of blue...i think...that i applied over and over smearing with my fingers and adding shades here and there. it actually kind of drove me crazy. kind of. so then i had a blue background that kind of drove me crazy...what next? well...it was raining...like it constantly does...or did until i returned from oklahoma...here in illinois...so i went with that. big fat rain drops...it only takes one to soak your head or send goosebumps all over your body. yum! but i don't have a name for this piece...hmmm..."rain drops" or "big fat rain drops" or "fat drops"..."green umbrella"...hmmm...let's go with...ugh...let's go with..."rain." i like things simple...usually:) so there you have it!

i literally just wrote a whole paragraph and deleted it because i was rambling like a crazy person...and then forgot where on earth i was going with it! i just thought that should be shared...anywho and gumdrops!

it's too damn hot and the rain that i complained about quite often in the past sounds really good right now! i'm officially lookin' forward to autumn now!

Shooting More

in 2004 i went to the oklahoma school of photography and graduated as a nationally recognized professional photographer and lab technician. back then (which is kinda funny being as it's only been 7 years) digital photography had been around for a while, but my instructors were very skeptical that it would ever be as good as film. a year later, one of those guys (who i could actually go on and on about...and will probably do so later because he was such an inspiration to me...but not yet because that's not the focus here) bought a digital slr...and so a few months after finding this out, i bought the same one! i still use it...a canon 20d...i will not tell you about my lenses...because i will be embarrassed and sad...it's all about the lenses when it comes to photography...and mine are a major fail:( anywho and gumdrops! moving on! longish story short! i did studio work a couple of times. i did freelance senior portraits and weddings...did a quinceanera and some work events as well. worked in a photo lab for about 6 years and that only ended recently. out of all of these photography related jobs, the lab work was actually my favorite...even though it was a 1 hour lab without any requirement for the degree of knowledge i possess...my professionalism and the professionalism of the team i put together made this lab a well respected one with a nicely known reputation that extended to other states even! geez...here i am blabbin' about stuff that wasn't the point of this post! sheesh! okay so moving on yet again! i enjoyed the lab work and bits of the other stuff i've done...but none of these have ever been fulfilling enough!

my favorite part about being a photographer...the shooting i enjoy most...is capturing nature, unique perspectives, and scenes i find visually appealing. i'm just not a fan of shooting people...except for family and friends...i enjoy just candid photography of life with the people i love. maybe i don't like it because of the pressure...or the fact that my lenses are ridiculously amateur and humiliating. it doesn't really matter to me. i'm an over analyzer and therefore annoy myself too often...so if i can choose not to dwell on things too much, i go with that. my friend, roxy, and i use to go on photography road trips. we would get a map, pick a destination, drive towards it, and stop for photos and detours along the way. this was an all day adventure and man it was fun! we'd pack lunches and spend hours just shooting! she's married in kansas now and i'm married in illinois so our lives definitely took some dramatic turns...i miss shooting with her.

i miss shooting period! and here we come to the subject of this post! i need to take some photography road trips...start shooting just every day things that my little family and i do. i believe photographs are what make us immortal (which again is a post for another day!) and so i think about what i will have to show my future children and grandchildren. today i realized that tommy's xbox controller and his terrible mustache are things that should be documented:) the controller will probably look ancient in ten years and his mustache will be a good reminder of something to never do again!!! kakashi is a 6 month old puppy growing fast and is truly like a first child for us...i need to capture his every day behaviors in order to immortalize him too! so! for the remainder of this post will be some photos of our day thus far today:) i am challenging myself to take more pictures...capture more memories!












this is a pretty typical day for us:) tommy plays xbox. kakashi plays outside. i work on my art or other random things like this anklet a friend made for me a while ago...i added the clasp...yes my pinky toe is deformed...that is what happens when the toe is broken while it's still healing from another break...at least i have tiny feet...so my deformities can be considered cute! right? right?

ahem. so there it is! our day thus far:) obviously these photos won't make it in some gallery exhibit, but they are just as precious as any fine art to me!