Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Enough Of The Cold!

Today was irritating.

I am so extremely passionately excruciatingly tired of the cold weather...enough! It feels like it's been winter forever...like the cold has seeped all the way to the insides of my bones and I am a frigid frigid woman! The cold is terrible for my depression...like it slows everything down way too much...causing me to linger in a negative state of mind. Ugh.

These photos are from a walk Kakashi and I took two weeks ago...

I thought it was a glimpse at spring...that warmer weather and green and flowers and light jackets were just around the corner. And then it rained and snowed...it's been a mushy wet mess. I literally can't stand it anymore...it makes me angry...legit. Of course, that might be a bit of depression talking.

Anywho. I know that more comfortable weather will make me feel better...I'm eagerly waiting. I also have a doctor's appointment in April that I'm anxious for...desperate to get the chemical imbalance in my head back to balanced. Stupid illness.

Dear Spring, please get here and stay here! I would greatly appreciate it! Love, The Cold Irritated Angry Woman Sick Of Winter :)

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Miserable Day

Today was very hard.

I am having a challenging time being happy at my part time job, and I know part of it is because of my depression, but I wish I knew how much I dislike it regardless of my illness. All I can do is keep working my shifts and see how my attitude may change once I start getting treatment again. Fingers crossed.

I called my mama and cried it all out to her...she calmed me down and helped me think of the right actions to take. My depression left untreated this long can really make me cloudy and unsure...I'm grateful for my mama's ability to help me work it out when I'm just too teary eyed and in the muck to figure it out myself. I love you, mama!!!

I don't work tomorrow, so tonight I'm having red wine and dark chocolate and TV shows. I'm going to try and relax...

My mama and me March 2012

Wednesday, March 20, 2013


I would like to post links to my entries where I specifically address depression...just in case anyone needs easier access...

Breaking The Silence...

My Fight With Depression

A Dilemma With Depression

I would like to note that as I began writing these posts, my depression was actually getting worse...I was struggling with finding the right medicines and my husband (my rock) was constantly leaving on under ways...so I felt very alone during this time. I didn't continue with the discussion as I wanted to, but since I've changed how to go about this blog, I feel like I'll still get to address the topics I wanted to then. Thanks for stickin' with me, y'all!

 Hugs and love, everybody!

Irish Every Day

My new part time job has not helped with my depression like I was hopeful it would. The place is understaffed and the expectations for the associates are unreasonable with the lack of coverage...therefore, I feel extremely stressed every time I work. I've come home crying on multiple occasions...

However, I feel like I wouldn't be having such a difficult time handling the stress if I wasn't dealing with clinical depression. At this point, though, it is what it is. My husband has been very supportive, thankfully! He may not understand it, but he knows how to comfort me...and surprise me!

Back story time! March 17, 2010, I woke up with the unbearable pain of a kidney stone. I knew what it was because it was my second experience...the first time I thought I was dying. So, I still felt like I was dying, but at least I knew what it was. My St. Patrick's Day was ruined...I went in to the hospital that morning and had surgery the next evening. My friends brought me balloons and flowers...my best bud brought me the commemorative mug that O'Connell's sells every year. And, Tom sat next to my hospital bed until I slept...

After my recovery and removal of the stint and end of antibiotics, Tom surprised me with a make up St. Patty's Day celebration. He called all of our friends and had them meet at O'Connell's Irish Pub with St. Pat's decorations, green beads, and even an Irish Princess tiara for me...I was legit surprised and so very very touched. He understood how much I love the holiday...how every year I would try and take the day and day after off, so I could drink green beer, hang with good friends, and listen to awesome live music all day. My friend, Michelle, and Tom put together a really great party for me to have a belated celebration, and it was as good and even better than every year before!

The week leading to this year's St. Patrick's Day was hard because of the stress and depression I was feeling from work. I couldn't even get excited about it! I knew we wouldn't be able to even enjoy the day because Tom and I both had to work the following Monday...so we planned on having friends over Saturday night. I came home from work on Friday crying, and I went to work the next morning feeling sick and awful. I text Tom at lunch that I was going to try and come home early...I was feeling too sick and down to even think about having people over that night. Lucky for me, work let me leave early...

Tom once again surprised me with plans he made for our party! I walked through the door to a decorated home complete with balloons and shamrock cookies...even a lighted shamrock in the window. He had my favorite flowers, daisies, for me as well as green beads. And he tidied up the place too!!! Swoon! He lifted my spirits with his thoughtfulness and attention. I took some medicine and a long nap, so when I woke, I was ready to celebrate with our friends. We drank green beer and green whiskey, and we played cards and listened to music...lots of laughter and smiles :) I am so grateful for this husband of mine...


It's not just a silly holiday...Tom knows how much I love my Irish ancestry...going to Ireland is one of my biggest dreams! My sweet husband has Irish ancestry as well! So we're not just Irish for a day...we're Irish every day...and we have year round decor to prove it! While Tom was deployed, he made a really cool purchase for us...the crests and origins of our family names...


They're above the fireplace right now, but I don't feel like they get enough light there, so I will be moving them. But, they are by far 3 of my very favorite things on our walls! They were a wonderful gift from my husband and now a daily reminder of his thoughtfulness and care he gives me all the time and especially with surprises like this St. Patrick's Day celebration.

Today is...

Today is hopeful.

As I share my life and depression as a part of my life, I will begin each post with the feeling for the day. It might be something like "Today is a good day," or "Today is a bad day," or "Today is (insert word)." Hopeful is my word for the day because it's one of those days where I feel genuinely good and optimistic that every day will feel this way...I know that it won't...but I'm hopeful for the day when I'm getting the right treatment and feel stable again. Sorry for writing the word "day" multiple times heh heh. So there you go!

I just wanted to explain this little tidbit real quick...I'm workin' on my big fat Saint Patrick's Day post full of lovely photos...I'll share that fun one in later hours...I refrained from writing "day" again.

Also...I lost a follower on my blog. Boo. I don't know who it was though. Still boo. Ex-follower, if you read this, I'm sorry if my depression topic was too depressing for you on a regular basis...I totally understand! Maybe you'll come back when I'm better...if not, that's okay too.

Monday, March 18, 2013

The Common Thread

Y'all have probably noticed by now that I talk about depression pretty consistently. Well, it's a part of my daily life and therefore something that I deal with quite regularly...so I want the topic to be a part of every post...even if it's just a sentence or a thought. I've updated my blogger profile to introduce this new direction, and I thought I would share it with y'all as well:

My name is Amy and I am a photographer and artist living in Virginia Beach with my Sailor husband, Tom, and our two year old beagle, Kakashi. I’m currently working a part time job and trying to get something going with my art. I love my husband and our dog and the life we have…I love the comfort and security that exists in my world. I have a very lovely life. But I suffer from clinical depression, and I’ve been battling it for more than a decade. Every day is a struggle…nothing is simple. Right now I’m trying to start a different path for treatment than what I’ve experienced in the past. In this blog you will read about my art, our lives, and about living with depression…I will try to be as honest as I can about how depression affects my every day. I want to be a voice for this illness and hopefully give hope to others that might be feeling as alone as I once felt, and sometimes still feel, in this ongoing struggle.

I have not had treatment for my depression since November, and it's been a difficult experience. I've spent more than ten years trying several different kinds of medication, but it is now time for something different...a new course. I'll definitely let y'all know how it goes and the steps I'll be taking soon. There is much more to tell! Hugs and love!

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Wine Tonight

I’m going to have a glass or two of wine tonight…I worked from Monday through today, and I haven’t worked this much in 2 years. Yes I feel like a sissy. Ha. Ha. But that’s okay because I’m grateful for my hard working husband and the care he’s provided and given our little family…he has been very patient and supportive these last 2 years of unemployment. I’m happy to be working again, however, and eager for the financial security that two incomes will provide. I miss sleeping as late as I want though. And since I’m still getting use to being a working adult again, I miss the easy upkeep of our house when I was just a full time house wife…as well as the energy to cook a good meal every night. I know that I’ll be able to handle it all once I get the hang of it again…I just wish I could get the hang of it like…instantly. Oh well! Anywho…I’m going to treat myself with some wine tonight…I think I deserve it!

Saturday, March 2, 2013

Day of Love

Look how gigantic this lily was!!! That's my ring there on the bottom left area :)

 Valentine’s Day gets a lot of crap talk from single people and coupled people alike. Marketing schemes from the card, candy, and flower companies blah blah blah blah! Blah. My response – “Shuuuut up!” Seriously.

If you’ve got a bad attitude ‘cause you’re single, get over it. If your happiness depends on being in a relationship, then you need therapy. I don’t mean that in a mean way but rather in a matter of fact way. Everyone should be happy being single before they even think about being happy in a relationship…love yourself before you try loving someone else. But if you are ready for a relationship then do something about it and quit whining! Try a dating site (no cat fishing haha) or take some classes that interest you where you could potentially meet other singles with the same interests…there are plenty of options. Just be patient. But even if you are single on this day, there are still people to celebrate love with…family and friends…or even just show some love for yourself.

If you’re single (and don’t mind being single) or you’re in a relationship and you still feel like hating on this day…why? Obviously it doesn’t matter to you, but why crap on everyone else? Live this day like any other day and leave the negativity out of it. Seriously! Why be nasty? What do you gain by being a hater? Maybe you’re just a hater…if so…then I’m sorry. I can’t imagine living a hateful life. If you just like making fun or pointing out flaws and things of that nature, then all the power to you…I’ll just probably think your public expression of opinions is unnecessary…but that’s true for many opinions shared via social media.

If Valentine’s Day brings up sad, hurtful, painful, or any kind of negative memory…I suggest avoiding social media. If you don’t, then you’re just abusing yourself. And if you do decide to participate in the trash talk, maybe that’s just your outlet. If that’s the case, then I really can’t advise anything else except maybe therapy. Again, not trying to be mean…just matter of fact.

In a nut shell…If Valentine’s Day makes you sad, lonely, angry, hateful, etc, I suggest staying away from the internet. I also suggest you ask yourself why it affects you in such a negative way…you really might have some issues that could be affecting other parts of your life or relationships with others. Whatever your reasons are for wanting to crap on the day of love, I believe the healthy, respectful, and mature thing to do is leave it alone and deal with it on your own or with a therapist or good listener.

I must also say that any expression of love on Valentine’s Day should be appreciated regardless of how elaborate the gesture is. For some, all they have to give are the words, “I love you.” Love shouldn’t be measured on quantity but rather on the genuine effort given no matter how simple or complex it may be. Your significant other may not be as excited about Valentine’s Day as you are, and therefore you can’t expect them to celebrate it on the same scale as you do. Also, this day is meant to be for both sides of a relationship…it’s not just up to the guy to spend and  do…ladies, we need to show the love too! Guys, don’t expect your gal to be in charge of everything either…this day should be a joint effort for love!

I love Valentine’s Day! I think we should express love every day of our lives, but I think that on this day we should have fun going a little bit over board. I love my husband so much that I could write cards for him everyday…I could cook special meals or buy special gifts every day for him to show him how much I love him. But going overboard every day is not an affordable or practical idea. Also, it wouldn’t be as special…it would be something expected and therefore common and unimportant. On the day of love, I get to express my affection as elaborately and as over the top as I want. To put it simply, it’s just fun for me!

This year I had a little bit of money to spend so I bought my husband some good scotch and some beef jerky along with a nice little card…I was going to make the card myself, but I ran out of time. Oh well! I also bought some new drinking glasses that I included in his gift, but that was more for us than Tom alone! My husband brought home chocolates, flowers, and a teddy bear for me...he also bought me a digital photo frame. I like the nontraditional parts the best…beef jerky for my husband instead of chocolate and the digital frame for me was a very thoughtful yet practical gift for a woman with so many photos! I cooked up a super yummy steak dinner with baked potatoes and creamed spinach. I bought a cast iron skillet especially for this meal (and because I’ve needed one forever!), and we enjoyed having our dinner and champagne in the privacy of our own home. 


Everything else about this day was as usual as any other day…but the flowers and candlelight and champagne in stemmed glasses made it a little more special…we didn’t need to lay anything on thick…we just had an atmosphere of intimacy with gifts we could both enjoy and a meal we could indulge in…that’s a good word to wrap up with. Valentine’s Day, the day of love…a day to indulge in the love we have for our spouse, our friends, our family, and ourselves. Because seriously…why not!?

Oops! One more thing! My sweet baby boy, Kakashi, got a new toy and rawhide too…because our pets should be part of our families…so they deserve some love as well!