Wednesday, November 23, 2011

A Young Perception


"Acknowledge"



"Altered Temple"



"I Want"



"What have I done Where do I go"

these drawing were done in 2003..."acknowledge" was the first drawing that inevitably led to the style of all that followed and what i do to this day. i was sitting in my college dorm room watching football, and it occurred to me that it had been some time since i had drawn anything. so i grabbed my sketch pad and my oil pastels and really just started drawing without any idea how it was going to evolve...which as i've explained before is sometimes my method of my art. i've been getting these old drawings into digital form so that i can share and copy for prints in addition to the originals, and it's really been like a trip down memory lane...what was i thinking? where was my head? how did i perceive myself?

i grouped these together as a kind of mini series i suppose...i would call them "corrupted and confused." i'd rather not divulge the details of my sins and mistakes, but i will say that 2003 was really the beginning of a more sinful than not lifestyle...it was the year i got sick with epstein barr, which inevitably led to weight gain, which led to low self esteem...and my ways of dealing were not always healthy. but! as self destructive as i was, i was also at a kind of raw sense of identity...hence the tattoos and piercings. i've never grown out of my tattoos and i would have kept the piercings if they hadn't become infected or unflattering on my changed body...the point being that some things came out of this time of my life that i don't regret or wouldn't change.

i don't want to go in and analyze each specific piece and line it up with what was going on in my young mind. i will point out the apples...temptation or sin. the collages with straight dividing lines...broken or unclear perceptions of life. the eyes and mouths...seeing and tasting all of life. the sun and stars...destiny...a light at the end of the tunnel...something bigger than me?

this was a time of my life when i got what i wanted and did what i wanted...without much thought for consequences. i didn't realize how my actions would shape so many years that followed; that my actions would eventually lead to unhealthy perceptions; that my actions would ruin chances and relationships in my life...i could have become a different person if i hadn't gone down that road. but i like who i am today...so i believe i had to get through a lot of shit to get here...and if anything would have happened differently, i simply wouldn't be who i am or where i am today...and...like i said...i like who i am today.

but none the less, it's interesting to me to see what my young perception on life looked like compared to what my perceptions are today. i have a visual of when i was a girl...and although that girl had so many problems...that girl is this woman today. i'm stronger and smarter, and i'm grateful for my life lessons.

Friday, October 28, 2011

"A Warped Nature"


"A Warped Nature"

i did this oil pastel drawing back in 2003...a lot of my art that i'll be sharing is from 2003 or recently. 8 years between these periods of art explosions. however, i believe that the occasional distance i often found from my art in the past will no longer be an issue. the reason is simple really...2003 was the year my life started taking a dramatic turn...between then and the past year or so, i had some major downs and moments of just being messed up. i'm good now...stable anyway...ahem...mostly:) like i've said before, art has been a part of my life since before i can remember, but i've just recently accepted that it doesn't have to just be a hobby...i can actually do something with this. it's what makes me happy:) the key to happiness is doing what makes you happy...so...there it is! (that's a lot of happy lol) now i wanna do it all the time! art art art!!! drawing, painting, photography, and writing:)

so i don't remember where my mind was when this was created. i went with "a warped nature" because of the bent tree and drain like motion to the image. i have several sketches that never made it to actual completed drawings that are of a drain like concept. maybe i was thinkin' along the lines of how sometimes life feels like it's going down the drain...or sometimes all the good just seems to wash away...i suppose the obvious stuff you could say. i know i've done the drain thing with the idea that everything is moving from one dimension to another...like through a wormhole you could say. hmmm...am i rambling? i'm kind of multitasking as i write this. i'm texting two people and enjoying an adult beverage in addition to blogging. sorry! i've just been looking at this drawing a lot recently trying to figure out what i wanted to say about it...for some reason i felt like visiting it tonight.

i'm 29 years old. most married women my age have children or are having them soon. children are not on my radar for another four or five years. i know that when i go home for christmas, my aunts and maybe uncles are going to be asking, "so when can we expect some babies?" i feel like i don't hear women talking about dreams and goals before kids anymore. there's nothing wrong with that! some women want to be moms and maybe secondarily think of having part or full time jobs or crafts or whatever...i have no opinion of that other than that's not what i want. to each their own! the only time i will ever judge a mother is if she's a mother consistently having unprotected sex and having more children than what she can provide for...that's the only time i'll find myself judging besides the obvious situations like abuse and neglect. but i wish there were more women my age out there with a voice about success before children...that's what i need...i need that before i have children. i don't feel a need for children right now...i just don't. i don't need babies...i need success and someday i want children. i need to have an identity that is solely my own before i am defined as a mother...it's very important to me...it's crucial! i'm rambling again. sorry!

so am i looking at motherhood in a warped way? are my needs for success and identity indications that i'm not mother material? am i going against nature because i don't have the instinct to procreate but rather to succeed as an individual? i'm afraid that maybe i shouldn't be a mother. i'm afraid that someday i'll decide i don't want to be a mother or that i'll decide i do, but i won't really have the time anymore. so...i try not to think about it at all really...see where i am in four or five years and then go from there. there's no reason to worry about something that's not even on the agenda right now anyway! so i'll stop...for now...but like i did here...i know i'll revisit the thought off and on for the next 5 years or so! it's just my warped nature!

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Slapped, Smacked, and Stabbed!

my sister was born a year and four days after me...we've been like twins all our lives! i think that we are probably the best of friends and have one of the funniest and most entertaining relationships anyone could ever witness. we also have some of the most epic fights...i slapped her once.

she had been pissing me off all day, and i was finally pushed to my limit in the jc penney parking lot. i had called the front seat...she tried to take it...even though she had been riding in it all day...i snapped...i was taken over by the sibling conflict demon and let loose my fury with a full hand slap and smack on her face. cat fighting then followed. our grandma was horrified and so embarrassed! it ended...i think i retreated to the back of the van to lay down with my anger. my sister always says that i slapped her over riding shot gun...but it was so much more...soooo much more than that! we've since moved past that haha:)

we are night and day...from the outward to the inward:) she has blonde hair and mood changing blue green eyes...she gets brown in the sun...she's taller and has bigger boobs. i'm a red head with always green eyes and always pale skin...shorter...smaller boobs (although they've grown with my weight gain). she was always a star...actress and singer...entertainer and comedian. life has thrown her some really tough punches...but when she gets the chance to sing some karaoke or tell an interesting story, she still knows how to handle the spotlight. i'm always proud when i see her make people laugh and cheer. she has always been hollywood and theater and i've been rock 'n roll and geek lol:) in school i worried and worked for straight A's...always thinking about college and scholarships....she worked for lead roles and solos. we both succeeded with our goals in school. our post school dreams have not turned out like we envisioned...we've both been affected by illness...her illnesses have been much much more life altering than mine. i'm still working towards my childhood dreams, and she's trying to find medicines and surgeries that could improve her life while also having to maintain the jobs of being a wife and mother. if i could take some of her burdens and carry them myself, i would do it in a heart beat!

everyone understands how hard it is to watch the people we love hurt so much. there comes a point when there is nothing we can do...we don't have the money to help with doctors and medicines...we live half a country away so we can't even put our arms around them...we listen over the phone, but we're not there to wipe away the tears or squeeze a hand. it's very...very hard.

my sister's birthday is thursday, and this is the first time in about 10 years that we have not been together on our birthdays. it sucks...but it sucks even more because i know she needs me now, but all i can do is send a card in the mail! i hope that helps a little at least! i'm always trying to get her to laugh and smile as much as she gets me to laugh and smile:) she's a punk though, so it's a bit more challenging i think! haha! this picture is one of the last ones we took together before i moved to illinois (and now to virginia). both of us are very insecure about our physical appearances. we both use to be very fit...no double chins! our illnesses have caused excessive weight gain for us...it's probably one of the hardest things either of us have faced...and...i think we'd both be so much happier if we could just lose the weight! i think we look good in this picture...she doesn't like it...but i don't know why...and it's the only one i have on this computer right now...so it'll have to do! :)


at least we can all see that her boobs are indeed bigger than mine haha! :) there are times when i want to punch her...i believe i once told her that i wanted to karate chop her throat. hey! we're irish...our tempers are a little heightened! but i love her:) as much as we clash...as different as we are...there is nothing like the bond between sisters...nothing! and now...i must tell a story about her attacking me once. and listen folks...this was a much more serious instance...there was blood...

i was 6...she was 5. we had a shoe box and two very sharp pencils. we stabbed the shoe box over and over with these very sharp pencils. i don't know what are objective may have been...my memory simply starts with the box and the pencils and the stabbing over and over. after some time i held the box up to my face...like a mask...to see what it was like looking through so many tiny holes. and...in slow motion...my sister raised her pencil...pulled her arm back...and plunged the sharp pencil into the box...into my eye. screaming. tears. running through grandma and grandpa's house. stopping and seeing swollen bleeding eye in hall mirror. screaming. crying. end memory. i remember explaining my black eye to my kindergarten teacher...i believe i thought it was cool having a black eye...and i don't remember having hard feelings toward my sister after the initial stabbing:)


"Stabbing Sister"

i don't believe my conscious thoughts were with this particular memory as i created this drawing...it had to have been my subconscious haha:) also...the picture has a very angry and violent sort of feeling with it...but that's not why i named it "stabbing sister." after i drew it and several years later when i decided to name it, it was the first thing that came to my mind. that instant when i looked in the mirror and saw the tiny dots of blood on my eyelid...that's what i think of when i look at it. but it makes me laugh:) so, i think it'll be so funny someday when i have a gallery exhibit of my work and people look at this one thinking how raw and hard and violent and sad it is...for me...it's a memory of two little girls who shouldn't have been playing with sharp pencils haha!

well anway. my sister is often misunderstood. she has negative feelings about herself that i don't feel like would be right for me to share. but she's just as beautiful and vibrant as she was 10 years ago...she has it inside. i hope that the upcoming surgery helps her. i hope that her life and the people in her life find a good solid fulfilling path that lead her to a consistent happiness!

happy birthday, my lovely sister. i know you're in the dark right now. i know that there is pain and that there is sorrow. but you are still young...your body can still be taken care of...and your mind still possesses the talent and passions from years ago...you will be healed...and you will find joy again in the things in life you always enjoyed. both of us are in very different places than where we thought we'd be 10 years ago...but there is still the potential for dreams to come true. hold on to that, okay? and remember that even though i'm miles away...i'm always with you in your heart...we're twins like that you know:)

anyone else reading this? be as strong as you can for the people you love. try to give those people a silver lining to their storm clouds. when you get frustrated because you feel like there's nothing you can do...accept that there is nothing you can do...but love them...and be there for them. make sure they know it!

and here's one last memory to lighten the mood. according to my sister, i explained what sex was to her and our cousin using a barbie and ken doll. apparently...i stripped them naked...bent them in half...and smashed their...ahem...privates together. now...i don't remember this at all...it could be a ridiculous story! but! at least i was honest and didn't try to overly romanticize it...that could have led to premature sexual activity for goodness sakes!!! i believe it was probably an accurate education for girls so young haha!

okay. i'm shutting up now! i love you beetle bob!!!

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Virginia Beach




we live here now. well...not beach front property...but it's pretty much just around the corner...so yeah...we live here now!!! and yes you're right...'cause i know what you're thinkin'...i do indeed love it here! so here's all about northern chicago to virginia beach...

the movers came and packed us up on september 26th, and i vacuumed and cleaned behind them before we hit the road. i drove for about 6 hours that first day...tommy played on the computer...we make a good team on the road. if you really want to test your relationship, i honestly believe a good measure is a long road trip with your significant other. on a road trip you work as a team...at least you should for a smoother journey. i prefer to drive and tommy prefers to be entertained with computer games and mobile internet...so we traveled together perfectly! we stayed in fredmont, ohio that first night. the second day, i drove for about 12 hours...it was a lovely part of the trip. the first day we drove through indiana and ohio...which were pretty states, but nothing to see and share about. pennsylvania and maryland and virginia were GORGEOUS to drive through!!! i wish i could have taken pictures along the way...but if tommy had driven, i would have gotten car sick anyway, and the pictures wouldn't have happened then either...le sigh. so that was tuesday that we got to virgina beach...

it was already dark outside, but i could still see the ocean...it was yummy even without the sunlight...just choppy black waves in the silver moonlight:) we drove through a 3 mile tunnel...i believe we were under the ocean...yes...under the ocean...well water from the ocean anyway...and probably one of those spots were the water is managed in such a way that you can build a tunnel under it...but anyway! i thought it was cool...and claustrophobic...but cool. the GPS showed us driving surrounded by water.

our town home wouldn't be ready until friday, so from tuesday night to friday morning, we stayed in a hotel...near the shore...like...only a few blocks behind all of those ocean front resort places...we couldn't see the ocean at all from our hotel...but it was there...just over some buildings you know. on wednesday we rested...drove around a little...stopped at the beach for a quick look...in our tennis shoes. yeah. tennis shoes. there may have been arrows hovering above our heads saying, "tourists!!! right here!!!" we had flip flops the next day. that night however, we saw serious storm clouds looming over the city and water...people were still running to the waves with their surf boards...must be a locals thing. we left and about 5 minutes later it was hard core thunder storming...i bet those surfers were done then;)

thursday, we found some flip flops and introduced kakashi to the ocean...


he was a little overwhelmed i believe...we laughed at him a little...i know...terrible parents. oh he loved it!!! but for a dog that usually goes crazy over water, he was more interested in the sea gulls and the sand...the ocean might be a little too big for him right now but i think he'll get use to it. something i'll never get use to is this...


my handsome husband :) he's gonna be so embarrassed i commented about him like that. tough:) i love this guy...he's super cute! i thought the water was going to be unbearable cold but he said it felt nice...i waded in a bit...didn't have my swimsuit...but my legs enjoyed the rushing waves, and it really felt nice actually! to document my presence on this momentous day i have the following photos...first by me and second by tommy...



so yes...i was there:) my body isn't exactly beach ready at this time...at least i'm not comfortable with it right now...so hopefully i can get my butt in gear and start working out hard core here pretty soon!!! must...lose...weight!!! must...lose...weight!!!

it was a nice day on the beach...i was happy we could all be together there, but i look forward to some ocean time with just tommy and me...kakashi just really wanted to chase some gulls and that wouldn't have worked...dogs have to be kept on a leash...sorry kakashi...


wook at dat cute wittle face!!! y'all may be interested to know that kakashi now has a wellness plan with banfield vets of pets mart...he will also be neutered this month...yay!!!

so now we are in our town home...we suffered a few days without furniture but our stuff is now here and i will be occupied a couple of days unpacking and decorating. gotta get it done quick so i can get a job quick and start meeting some virginia friends quick!!! i'll share more about this transition later. i really need to go call my mama. i just wanted to share a little bit with y'all since it's been a little while. so here i am...this oklahoma girl is now a beach babe!

Sunday, September 18, 2011

A Decade's End & "Among the Stars"


"Among the Stars"

on october 9th of this year i will be turning 29 and so shall begin the last year of my 20s...i've said before that getting older doesn't bother me, but rather the thought of not completing certain goals at a certain time does. i use to have an impressive lists of goals before the age of 30, but it didn't take me long to realize how unrealistic that list was for a somewhat of a procrastinator like myself...at least i'm aware of my flaws! i do have some goals though to complete before this decade of my life's end...i don't necessarily want to list them all but i'll share my biggest 2: lose weight and get fit and healthy and be aggressive about getting my art and writing out in the world. i have faith in myself for completion...and i would like to succeed early on in my last year of my 20s so that i may enjoy my achievements for the remainder of this momentous portion of my life. i hope to ring in my 30s feeling 100% great about my life...i'd also like to celebrate the next decade by a big trip to vegas with all my friends...so put that on your calendars y'all!

i make lists. it may be a compulsive disorder...but i'm not sure...it doesn't really matter to me. my mama started it. i use to love sneaking a peek at her lists to see what she had planned; i don't know why i loved it so much...it was kind of like discovering a christmas list!

i have a list for what i want this next year of my life to look like...from tangible things like clothing and accessories, furniture and decorations to the intangible like success and happiness and adventure! so i'll share some of that...and if anyone wants to reference to this list for birthday or christmas gifts, well that's quite all right with me!

clothing and accessories and other things:
boots (size 6)
fedora hats
feather hair clips
fabulous wardrobe (fabulous body requested prior to fabulous wardrobe if possible haha)
prisma color pencils
large sketching paper
large canvases
gallons of acrylic paint...maybe not gallons
graphite pencils
photo albums
clear corner mounts for photos
pretty things
art things
beautiful shoes (size 6)

furniture and decorations and stuff:
drawing table
patio furniture
chiminea (i don't know how that is spelled...sound it out please)
grill
dining chair tables
bedroom furniture set
candles
coasters
pretty things
money
living room furniture
entertainment glass wear, serving wear, and such
housekeeper
personal chef

intangible:
more energy
successful art career
travel (i suppose that's a tangible thing actually)
ability to function off of 6 or 7 hours of sleep...
things like that...

so that's some of it...it sounds lovely doesn't it? if someone wants to suggest to my husband to bring me flowers or write me little love notes, that would be okay too. well...i'm kind of distracted by football...so i think i'll just wrap this up. i just wanted to share a little bit with y'all since it's been a while since i blogged last. oh! we are moving to virginia in 9 days so i might be a little too busy to write before then...but i'll be back soon with more art and "life's art" segments and more stories of my life. hugs and love!

Friday, September 2, 2011

"Overwhelming Passion"




"Overwhelming Passion"

i have a rough draft of what i wanted this post to be about in my little "creative writing" type notebook...it was going to be a "life's art" segment...but i've decided to save it, and go a different direction here because i've started to bore myself with myself on "life's art." that's not a good situation!!! i only really feel this way though because i actually feel very passionate about the topics i approach, and i don't feel like i've conveyed that passion accurately. my little rough draft delves more in to a stronger telling of my opinions...but i'll share it later.

passion is my word. do you have a word? if i could think of a person to most clearly personify the word passion, it would be myself...i've never met anyone as passionate as me. i know passionate people and people that have passionate views and people that are passionate about what they do or who they love and so on and so forth...but i've never met anyone passionate about so many things as i am passionate about. honestly, this has often times been a fault...i'll find myself WAY too overly emotional about things because i feel such a strong intensity of emotions. i'm not sure how i became this way...but one thing i do know about this characteristic of mine, is that my husband was meant for me to balance out my passionate ways. if i am the personification of passion, my husband is the very opposite! i believe that the only thing he is really passionate about is me lol:) i'm not complaining though:) he is sooooo good at calming me down or bringing things back in to a "normal" perspective. he can shush me...and not in a patronizing way...but rather in a calming zen "find your center" kind of way. he knows when i need it and when i don't...when it comes to my art...there is no way that anyone or anything can come in and turn down my dial!

my passion spreads out my focus...i feel like this has been a challenge. i feel very passionately about photography, drawing, painting, singing, and writing...each one gets the same amount of passion, but they don't each get the same amount of focus. i believe that if i could focus on just one, i could become successful with that endeavor. but i can't focus on just one...i want to wrap it all up together and make a life with all of it at once...i believe this causes me to not excel at any just one. like a "jack of all trades but master of none" type of deal. meh. i'm gonna tell myself to shut up now...

i'm a very fanciful person but also very practical...i describe myself as being a woman with her head in the clouds but her feet on the ground. i can't talk about passion and the things that consume me without trying to analyze and break them down at the same time. so i'm telling myself to shut up now lol:)

you know what i really want to do? let me tell you! i want giant canvases and giant amounts of paint...i want to cover myself in colors and roll around on the canvas! i want to put my whole body into creating something i hope to find visually appealing...and i will do that someday. i want bigger pieces of paper to put visions down in pencil and pastels...smudging and blending with my fingertips and hands. i want to get back the intimacy i once had with my photography...that is old school film with a dark room...so i can be part of every step of the creation in a more hands on stimulates all the senses kind of way...something you can't feel with digital and computers. this is why i love art so much! whether it's writing or drawing or singing or photographing...for me...it allows me to put my whole body in to the expression...a feeling of being able to grasp something concrete out of the abstract. it's like i have so much passion inside me, that can be simplified as a passion for life, that i have to get it out in some form...and it happens to be that i enjoy all different kinds of forms.

well anyway. i've rambled enough and have probably effectively established my place as a crazy lady. oh well...not going to apologize for being me! :) if there is a lesson in any of this, it is to find something to be passionate about. express something intangible in a tangible way. i suppose some people go through life perfectly content without ever feeling too overwhelmed by themselves...but for those who feel like they have something inside that needs to be let out...i suggest belting a song, free writing on whatever is available to write on, or diving in to some finger paints...just to name a few:)



"My Star"

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Life's Art - "Hearts Hurt" & "Hearts Heal"



"Hearts Hurt"


well we've talked about the heart in peril...the abstract pain of the heart feeling genuinely beaten. damn it hurts! but that's simply a part of life...our hearts get hurt...and it's always a bummer. sometimes it's not as severe as that beaten feeling and sometimes it's unimaginably worse...but every and any pain is a tough time to have to deal with. our hearts get broken. our hearts suffer loss from death. our hearts get sick with depression and other illnesses. our hearts lose fire when we feel like we've failed. we can feel guilt, anger, uncertainty, betrayal, and whatever else you can imagine deep inside the chambers and vessels of our hearts...the unseen intangible emotions find places to bury inside the tangible organ...and it can feel...infected. cloaked in darkness. drowning in hell's fire. weighed down with tears. it hurts.



"Hearts Heal"

but as much as our hearts can hurt...our hearts can heal. it may take those lovely little cliches i mentioned before or it may take something else. sometimes we push ourselves to heal by seeking a new hobby or throwing caution to the wind starting over..like a new career...or even an extreme new hair style. sometimes it takes friends and or family to drag our asses up...and by doing so causing us to heal through their love born from concern. but maybe i'm being too vague.

my heart has been broken by boys, hurt by destructive choices, hurt by depression, hurt by conflicts with family and friends...i could go on and on. but the point i want to make is that i have hurt in many ways and have been healed in many ways too. there were times when i would have stayed home in front of the tv or in bed if a friend had not called, picked me up, and taken me out of the house and out of my wallowing. my mama always sees through me, and in the past if she hadn't made me face what was hurting me and offered solutions and support, i would have suffered longer than necessary. my heart was in pain and i turned to alcohol...and a new pain emerged....and i hurt myself deeper and deeper with destructive behavior. i hurt my family and friends...and therefore myself. but it took their worries and voices...it took my own self realization...it took prayer and meditation...it took time...and eventually my heart healed.

a healed heart is like being reborn...a clean slate...everything becomes possible and achievable once more. a healed heart is rewarded and or opportunities emerge in the light. after my heart hurt and healed throughout different moments in my life i experienced all different kinds of new found joy. photography school, fun new hair cuts and colors, tattoos, closer relationship with God, a stronger sense of spirituality, and endless love...all of these parts of my life came after my heart was healed. and sometimes the hurt that preceded my healing opened my eyes to revelations i may have never had if i hadn't experienced that pain.

so trust me...there will be healing after hurting. sometimes it takes a little help outside of our own capabilities...but at some point during the process, you will have to be proactive...you will have to be a part of your recovery. if you don't, it will never be 100% and you won't attain all of the strength that can become available...don't just sit on your butt...get up. it will be okay.

"it's gonna be all right...no matter what they say! it's gonna be a good day...just wait and see!" ~ jewel

hugs and love, my lovelies :)

Friday, August 19, 2011

Life's Art - "Beaten" by Ro Fo Sho Art


"Beaten"

a broken heart is honestly a physical pain...if one has truly loved and lost, one will always feel that deep ache inside. i'm here to make some points about this that are very clear and straight forward...it may seem brutal, but to sugar coat something so severe is just plain ignorant and cruel really! here's the deal...no one and nothing is going to make it better...but it's not as simple as that. when one is hurting and suffering through this abstract pain, all the advice and words of wisdom in the world are simply going to do one of the following three things:

#1 - make the individual hurt worse
#2 - anger the individual...or...
#3 - roll over and through choosy ears

or that person could experience any combo or all three of these effects together! the advice and words of wisdom i speak of are classic cliches...easy to guess...but tried and true...

* time heals
* there are other fish in the sea
* it just wasn't meant to be
* it was for the best
* you'll be stronger than before

now...i say these phrases are tried and true because even though the individual who is hurting may experience the three typical reactions listed about...ultimately...when the pain has passed, all of those annoying cliches and little bits of comfort have indeed actually happened! time has vanished away leaving the past behind...and that love is just a memory...which in turn obviously wasn't meant to be. there is then an opportunity for something new...and whatever happens or doesn't happen...there will definitely be a new found strength!

so! if this really great advice does no good until observed in retrospect...how does one get through a broken heart? i'm tellin' you...you just get through. you hurt and you cry. you pray and you beg. you sleep and you hide. the heart is beaten...bruised and excruciatingly tender. but...you get up everyday and you do something everyday. there is school or work...or a project or an event. you have family or friends or both...and maybe even some coworkers. have meals, coffee, or cocktails...go dancing or swimming...just live. it's hard and you'll hear all of those cliches form everyone you tell your story to...but remember...it's all true when the dust settles. so just get through it...just live.

remember it's okay to mourn a lost love. it's perfectly normal to feel so abused. there will be time to wallow and grieve...allow yourself to experience that pain...ignoring it will make it worse. every heart gets beaten at least once in life.

stay with me, and i'll tell you more about how hearts hurt and how hearts heal. i'm here to tell you that i've come to realize my experience in life were meant for me to learn and share...for me to assure you that you are not alone and there's wrong and right ways to deal. take what i have to say and just see if it makes sense in your life...i bet it does;) hugs and love, my lovelies!

Life's Art by Ro Fo Sho Art

i have a new vision for my art. i wrote before about an idea that i wasn't sure if i wanted to share for fear of how stuck up or pretentious it might sound. but i'm over that fear...i'm confident with my idea:) here it is in a nut shell: i think i could be a really great motivational speaker. and i think i can set myself apart by incorporating my art with the encouragement and...motivation...that comes from listening to such a speaker! there are two parts to this realization:

part I

i have a pretty impressive collection of my drawings since 2003...like...a ton! when i look through my pieces, i can't help but feel proud and a huge amount of affection for my creations. i also remember where my heart and head were during creation...each drawing comes with a clear memory...whether it be a memory of what it meant to me or a memory of what feeling or place in my life it evolved from. it's like having a journal without words. i believe that i can tell stories and make points...have a visual for my audience...with my art. i've always wanted to be a writer, but sometimes i trip and stumble all over the words and just have to express whatever those words are through colors and lines. so i think if i'm speaking to a group of people about my life's lessons and i have some pieces for visual interest...i can use them as an anchor for myself as well.

part II

it began in college. my dorm room door was always open and girls were constantly coming in and out to visit. during those visits, the conversations often led to discussions on relationships (mostly) and sometimes other aspects of life like majors or family and friend conflicts. i was always good at seeing multiple sides of stories or different perspectives of a situation. the girls always seemed to leave with a new sense of confidence or determination...and i always felt a sense of accomplishment by helping someone through a tough time.

when i was a supervisor in a photo lab, it was the first time i interviewed and hired associates. i hired two different girls at different times during this job. after one left, i filled the position with the next one. they had different personalities and were in different places in life...but they were both quite a bit younger than me...and there were other similarities. despite the differences, both of these girls were, in a word, lost. now i don't feel right taking credit for turning their lives around...but...both girls at one point during my friendships with them told me that i had "inspired" them...that they "learned" from me...and i watched them become less like girls and more like women. i felt very maternal towards them. from my perspective, i saw them wandering around for a time but then start walking more determined with a goal in sight. i felt like i guided them...like i pushed them...made them ask questions of themselves and find the answers.

so! my experiences in life have helped me help others through similar situations. all of those times i asked the universe or God, "why? why must i have to go through this?" i believe everything happens for a reason...and so...the answer to all of those questions is this: use what i know to bring light to the dark for others. and i believe...truly believe...that i can do this!

ro fo sho art will now include the occasional segment of life's art...where i will share my stories and life lessons with some art for visual interest...an illustration of sorts. i hope that my words will help people...that others will read and share what i bring here. i also hope that as time passes, people feel comfortable initiating discussions...asking for advice or help...encouragement and motivation:) let's see where this goes!


"Connected"

Thursday, August 11, 2011

"My Happiness"

this post goes with the previous post...but as you read the previous post, you should jump over and read this one too! does that make sense? well it does in my head...so there you go. you should know my head doesn't really operate in a way that may make sense. moving on! hopefully this will all come together as i try to explain the evolution of "ro fo sho art." to simplify it as much as i can...this journey to "ro fo sho art" has evolved and morphed from idea after idea...but it's all coming together now...i'm gonna make it all make sense...i hope! praying:)

the following was written june 1, 2008

i wrote a letter to myself when i was barely 14 years old. i couldn't open it until i turned 20 and somehow i managed to hold on to it that long. my sophomore year of college i was working in the library as a reference assistant... i did some assisting but i also had a lot of time to think... and something i was struggling with was my current major. it went from biochemistry to journalism and finally to elementary education... and elementary ed wasn't so appealing anymore. i jotted down notes and doodles contemplating, "what should i do!?" on october 9th, 2002, my 20th birthday, i opened this letter to myself... i honestly could not remember anything i had written. the letter asked if i had been kissed yet or had fallen in love all ready... and if not, there's something wrong! my 14 year old self commanded that i be in college and be making as excellent grades as always. my 14 year old self commanded that i be working my way toward becoming a professional photographer. i read this check point over and over and flashed back to some vivid memories. i don't remember the root of this passion. it's like it was always there hiding on the tip of my brain and all over my heart screaming and begging for my logical and practical ways to recognize that my artistic and outrageous ways could lead me in a direction that would not only be soul fulfilling but practical and logical and successful. national geographic took my breath away... took me all over the world. the vivid glossy pages took me up and up and up to this blissful place where the world was all around me just waiting to be captured. as a pre teen and teen i didn't read those magazines about cute boys and cute clothes (unless one of my friends had one) but instead couldn't wait for the next national geographic. it was euphoria. yes i know i'm a nerd. i collected the maps from inside the magazines hoping to one day travel from the anacondas of the orinoco river to the nebula in orion's belt... taking pictures all along the way. i tried to get into photography my junior year... this was the first year it was available to me and so as a sophomore i was sitting with my counselor and insisting that i take this class!!! well it was full... "but you'll definitely get in your senior year. seniors get first pick!" the little twit said! so as a junior i found myself sitting in the same counselor's office and again asking for the photography class for my senior year... "oh dear. it's all ready full." sad face from the idiot. tears were streaming down my face. i told her it wasn't just a blow off class for me... this was what i wanted to do with my future! you would think a high school counselor who is supposed to be preparing students for college would take in to consideration what they will want to pursue in college! but no. there was just no way around it. "sorry!" sad faced bitch. i guess in turn i accepted it as a whimsical idea and a path with no future. photography could just be a hobby. and then i met a certain young man the summer after my senior year who promised he would teach me photography... from taking the pictures to watching them come to life in the darkroom. and i fell in love with this guy. and ultimately my love for photography now included that love for that boy. but our time in the darkroom didn't involve lessons on photography... the darkroom was where he kissed me and said he didn't love me. the darkroom was where he told me he didn't want anything to do with me. i drowned in the red light with the smell of chemicals and his cologne and my tears suffocating me. photography became a reminder of a broken heart. but when i opened that letter on my 20th birthday, i didn't give him a single thought. he was gone from my mind and from my heart. i didn't think about that dumb ass counselor who i felt wrecked everything. damn she was an idiot! instead, when i opened that letter, that begging and screaming inside me jumped up and said, "hey hey hey!!!! now? can we start now???" and so that was my last year at college. the following summer i traveled to some unforgettable places and acquired some unforgettable memories... and in february 2004, i found myself parked outside of the oklahoma school of photography. i was so afraid! i never got the chance to learn anything about photography! i assumed that all of those people inside got to take classes in high school and they probably had mentors and guidance. i had dead ends. i was afraid i was going to look like a fool. but... i had the screaming and the begging inside me. i had the passion that had been a part of me since birth. i had the dream of a 14 year old girl who i just couldn't let down. so i walked through those doors. i made some forever friends. annie and emily (annabelle and dwinks) and i were meant to start that adventure that day together. i met abi. i met ron. and i met mike... i can't think about mike without crying. but this is another story all together. he is gone but he is remembered... i still ask myself what would mike think or say or suggest. here i am today. a supervisor in a photo lab. studio work and freelance on my resume. a certificate from a nationally accredited school that hangs above my desk saying, "This certifies that Amy Rose Conway has successfully completed the course of instruction and has been examined and found duly qualified as a professionally skilled photographer and lab technician and is hereby awarded this Diploma as an acknowledgment of her knowledge and in recommendation of her acquirements. Awarded this Seventeenth day of September, Two Thousand Four." i'm still finding my way and still learning. i'm trying to save money for the dream of a studio gallery i will own someday. i'm considering more schooling. i'm not jumping into anything on a whim but contemplating how to set myself apart and developing the strategy i will need to succeed. and ultimately i'm trying to figure out what it takes to become a master photographer in the eyes of my fellow professionals. ...and i have to rant a little bit. i've been reading so i know i'm not alone. myself and other professional photographers have recognized that we are at war with a new breed. photographers who claim they are professional and charging lower prices and taking clients away. this has spawned an idea of what looks professional... but ultimately the consumer is not getting what they deserve. sure it may be cheaper to hire that photographer who took that really great picture... but that photographer didn't give you what you could have had. a person can not just pick up a camera, take some good shots, and then claim to be a professional. we who are professionals have worked for that credential! we have studied photography and appreciated it and we continue to grow and learn year after year after year. we push ourselves to do better to be better to set ourselves apart and to provide the most beautiful, breathtaking, and truly amazing photos a person could ever have that will ultimately be the most tangible form of a memory one can ever possess. this is my story... it started over a decade ago... but it's nowhere close to being finished. I...AM...A...PHOTOGRAPHER.



well i don't have a photograph that i would really like to share, but i think every good blog post needs a picture...usually anyway;) so! here is "my happiness." it's random and weird, but i'm a random and weird person...and i'm hoping...praying...that my vision for achieving happiness for "ro fo sho art" can make sense of my randomness and weirdness...if that makes sense:)

Ro Fo Sho Art

i have four followers that i know of on this blog...thank you dearest readers! i believe others may stop in from time to time...but without the occasional facebook comment...i'm not sure who actually may be reading or full fledged following. note: i enjoy alliteration...and assonance for that matter...as well as rhyming...just a little tid bit from today's random tree. moving on! the point of sharing all of this is that i want people to read this blog...i want my ideas and art read and seen by a mass audience. not for popularity. not for fame. both may seem stuck up...but i think my reason may be the most stuck up of all. so i'm not sure if i will share at this time...let's see where we are at the end of this entry!

sometime between when i was born and 6 years old, i wanted to be an artist. by middle school, i knew that being an artist was as realistic a dream as being a rock star...well let me clarify...being able to survive off of one's dream, one must make money...and sellin' art on the sidewalks and singin' in smoky bars might make payin' the bills a bit challenging...one must have a successful gallery exhibit or CD release...for example. so by the end of middle school, i discovered a love for photography...and i've written about this before so i don't want to write about it now but i'll copy and paste that after this entry for you to read...and then i'll edit this entry and provide the link when you click...here:) i'm sharing this little middle school realization because i figured i could be successful with photography and still be able to achieve that artist dream at the same time! and this photography road will be explained more as well when you click on that link i mentioned before. so go ahead and read that now if you haven't. in addition to that last sentence...i am an artist. the passion i expressed about photography has kind of evolved in to the art i've been working on most recently...but it all ties together...it's all coming to this place that i feel stuck up about mentioning right now...but maybe later.

i am creating "ro fo sho art." i don't want to call it a business...i'm not really sure what to call it...or even how to explain it. so...following these few sentences will be a couple of paragraphs...the first one being an objective of sorts and the second one being a third person narrative of me basically (which could evolve into something else later...i'll let you know).

i want to combine my love for visual, musical, and written art into one vision that brings them all together...not necessarily in a variety of joint forms...but rather in a place...like stepping inside my mind where it all comes together in a chaos of sounds, words, lines, and colors that somehow...in this random and disjointed world...look like pieces in a museum with strange unrecognizable notes falling on frames, pages, and senses.

she's trying to find that spot in her mind where the conscious and subconscious delicately combine. is it a tangible entity or another dimension beyond human perception? how do dreams form from seemingly no where...unrelated to experiences and even random thoughts...where are they from? and these drawings and paintings that evolve spontaneously as her hand meets brush, pencil, or pastel to whatever her canvas may be...how do they unravel from the mess of images in her mind? sometimes it all comes at once and it is so hard to untangle the knots...how can she put the abstract with the concrete? too many questions. but there is a purpose for all of this...there is a reason. she can feel it! there must be a way for her to share her art and her words in a way that appeals to everyone...even those who never pay any attention to art. she has to find this path as she fits the pieces together...combine the art with the memories with the mental place on life's timeline. so...the beginning...

yeah i'm still not going to share my idea just yet...but i don't think it's really stuck up. however, i think it will make more sense with more entries relevant to the vision:)

so! i'll get back to the creation of "ro fo sho art" throughout this blog. for right now...i will share the 3 most recent drawings that have kept me busy as i've been away from writing...


this one is called "energy spinning." i did it with graphite pencils one evening while watching tommy play video games. good times. oh yes! i would also like to mention that i had been watching shows about the universe leading up to this. so when i write about my art coming from a spontaneous place, i believe this one came from supernovas still "spinning" around in my head;)


this one is "stellar memories" created with prisma colors and chalk pastels. this one looked so childlike in the beginning actually...like a children's book on shapes. but the word inside my head when i put the first line down was, "trippy." so that is definitely what evolved. adding the chalk pastels in this one led directly to the following one...


this one is "hearts collide," which may seem to obvious but i don't care...it's how i feel about the love story of my husband and me. anywho! i hadn't used chalk pastels in years so when i added it to the previous drawing, i was really excited to immediately do another quick sketch. "stellar memories" took me days..."hearts collide" took me minutes! oh the joy of chalk pastels!

so this was a long one! and i probably rambled and didn't make sense through the whole thing. but that is why this has been so frustrating for me!!! "ro fo sho art" is such a mess in my head and i'm trying to make it make sense...gah! hopefully it will in the next few days. praying:)

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Jumped Twice

























we had storms last night and the night before. tommy was away for duty on the night before, so kakashi and i went to bed just the two of us...right when we were really falling asleep, there was a super bright flash of lightning followed by the most jolting crack of thunder! we both flinched and kakashi raised his head to look at me for reassurance. my heart was beating a millions beats a second, but i gently pet his head and told him it was okay...but holy moly it sounded like a gun shot right in the bedroom!

last night, i was watching tommy play god of war III and enjoyin' a drink while kakashi napped on the floor at tommy's feet. we had the window open and the blinds pulled back listening to the rain and thunder and watching the distant flashes of lightning. when all of a sudden, the distant lightning wasn't so distant and sent two bolts down in the wildlife preserve behind the pet area right outside our window...and an even more jolting crack of thunder boomed mightily sending me off the couch and kakashi under the dining table! tommy and i immediately went to our little guy and comforted and pet him...soothed his little shocked soul! and i said, "it's okay...it's okay...mama just almost got hit by lightning is all."

2 nights in a row jumping at the biggest booms i believe i've ever heard in my life! good times!

Friday, July 22, 2011

Dream Pieces

i wrote about my cousin kevin in this post...you should read it before you read this one if you haven't already. kevin's drawing i mentioned there was a collage done with pen...or so i remember anyway. it was a collage of what my young mind perceived as random images...i remember a face and parts of a face drawn throughout...but that's all that comes to mind. but it seems to me that every time i looked at it, i would find something else hidden inside. man i wish i could see it again! i know i would see something completely different than what my childish eyes saw...i would probably find a meaning or a theme perhaps. the drawing i'm going to share today was inspired by the memory of kevin's creation...i wouldn't ever want to copy...and i definitely wouldn't have the patience for the detail he put in to his anyway! but i like the idea of a collage of random bits...mine consists of relevant images in my life...but i don't feel like explaining. so enjoy...see what appeals to you maybe! (the image is a bit crooked, but i will be photographing all of my drawing with a new approach that will be better for reproduction)


i think i will call it..."dream pieces." i wrote something somewhere sometime ago about "shadows of dream pieces." i've been going through a lot of old journals and poetry and random bits of writing, so i'm not sure when i said that...i'll stumble over it again at some point...but that's just what i keep thinkin' of when i look at this drawing. i'm really proud of it actually! i suppose one should be humble and unassuming...but not me. i'm damn happy with this! in case you are wondering, i started in the top right corner and worked over and down...balancing areas with darks and lights and actual images and doodles. everything came to me as i drew...i didn't have a final product in mind when i started it. in fact...i figured i would either succeed or fail...it wasn't until i finished it that i realized i probably would have been pretty pissed if i had spent so much time on something i didn't really like in the end...so it worked out in my favor. i also realized something else...it wasn't difficult for me to do this drawing...and i wasn't focused at all on the possibility that it might look like crap in the end. i feel like whatever i paint or draw will evolve on its own as i create it...i haven't failed myself yet. now there are some finished drawings and paintings that i'm not completely crazy about...but i don't hate them or they grow on me eventually anyway! so i'm going to stick with my technique...it's satisfying and doesn't stress me out...and it's kind of interesting knowing that whatever appears on my paper or canvas comes from a spontaneous unplanned place in my mind.

my dreams are often times completely irrelevant to anything i've ever seen, heard, read, or experienced...they involve intricate plots and complex characters...different worlds entirely! sometime futuristic...never before my time though. oh! except once! i dreamed i saw jimi hendrix in concert and sat on the edge of the stage afterwards visiting with him...he leaned over and kissed me and i woke up...that was a wicked cool dream! but other than that, i don't dream of past time periods. only present or future. i should write them down immediately after waking, but i'm too tired to do that...i should though...hmmm...maybe someday. i really do have the most random dreams...ask my husband! this must be a part of how i am as an artist...i like it.

while i was home i added rainbow colors to my hair...


my mama said, "amy, i love that you're a free spirit...but do you have to be so wild?" i laughed and said yes of course." and then at one point she asked me, "how did you get to be so weird?" and i said, "you raised me that way! and that's a good thing!" she laughed and took the compliment, but it's completely true! my mama raised me to be open minded and ambitious...to be willing to ask questions and learn and explore...and to always want the very best for myself. she's an artist too...she draws and writes beautifully...she has a lovely mind:) so i believe that everything i dream and create comes from a place that has been a part of me since birth...a place my parents allowed to grow and develop with wide open eyes, open heart, and open mind. very early on in my life i learned that the status quo was bullshit and that collective behavior will eventually control one's life if one is not aware that it happens every day all around.

i'm rambling now aren't i? well sorry! i'm talkin' dream pieces here so that's gonna deviate in all different directions. i could even go in to politics and religion...don't worry i won't! haha! but anyway!

i'm distracted now. tommy is home for the weekend and it's our only time together really since he's gone doing navy things so much during the week! but before i sign off...i need to try and send some luck to oklahoma. you see...this is what happened. yesterday in this post i wrote about the horrible heat and desiring the rain again up here and wherever it is needed. and wouldn't ya know it the rain fell today...a lot!!! so...i'm posting "rain" again with hopes that maybe oklahoma will get some precipitation and a nice cool down asap!


hope this works for you oklahoma! oh yes, i would like to mention that it was my friend, liane, who requested i write about rain for oklahoma for good luck! soooo...good luck my beloved okies!

everyone have a great weekend! stay hydrated and cool!

p.s. "she wears a million colors. there's rainbows on her soul. she got a sign above her that says...i'm never growin' old!" ~beth hart~

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Rain


i finally finished this drawing that i wrote about here...it only took me a month and 9 days to complete...that's not much...is it? is it? well it kind of is...but you'll see why once i actually show you the whole picture!!! that's not going to happen in this entry though. this is why: when i finish a picture i secure it in corner mounts on black paper thumb tacked to the wall in our second bedroom. i have to photograph it while there is still enough light bouncing around all the walls...and there's just not enough right now...the sunlight is too far removed from the windows in there. so it'll have to wait a little longer...but don't worry...i'll share another drawing! let's see...which one...



now this is not one of my favorites...but it's rain...which would imply cool refreshing water. and since most of the country is experiencing dangerous heat conditions, i'm sure we are all wishing for some cooler weather...and some rain for the areas affected by drought. i did this with oil pastels and although it may appear pretty straight forward and easy...the blue background probably took an hour. there's about 4 shades of blue...i think...that i applied over and over smearing with my fingers and adding shades here and there. it actually kind of drove me crazy. kind of. so then i had a blue background that kind of drove me crazy...what next? well...it was raining...like it constantly does...or did until i returned from oklahoma...here in illinois...so i went with that. big fat rain drops...it only takes one to soak your head or send goosebumps all over your body. yum! but i don't have a name for this piece...hmmm..."rain drops" or "big fat rain drops" or "fat drops"..."green umbrella"...hmmm...let's go with...ugh...let's go with..."rain." i like things simple...usually:) so there you have it!

i literally just wrote a whole paragraph and deleted it because i was rambling like a crazy person...and then forgot where on earth i was going with it! i just thought that should be shared...anywho and gumdrops!

it's too damn hot and the rain that i complained about quite often in the past sounds really good right now! i'm officially lookin' forward to autumn now!

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Home


this is the last picture of me in front of the home i grew up in...i took it the day before i left oklahoma to come back to illinois. kakashi and i were in norman...my home town, for a month. about 2 years prior to this last day, my parents learned that their home was being foreclosed. for those 2 years, they were contacted by the mortgage company a few times trying to work out payment options they could handle...options to avoid the foreclosure...but they never panned out. and then most recently, there was the obama bail out option. this was what my parents were waiting to hear about right when i left for illinois. the week i came home to visit, they found out that the bail out wasn't happening for them...the options were out the door...the foreclosure was continuing. the week i came home to oklahoma, i found out that the home i grew up in would be up for the sheriff's sale august 3rd. there are things about this trip home that i want to write about...but tonight...my first entry back in illinois...i want to write about this place.

i was in kindergarten when we moved there...my parents found this place because it was close to my elementary school...a quaint little country school out by lake thunderbird. our home was just right down the street from lake thunderbird. we lived on two and half acres surrounded by thick woods...we couldn't even see our neighbors and didn't have to if we didn't want to! my siblings and friends and i explored the woods and created medieval worlds and fantasy lands full of magic and adventure. we were completely sheltered by trees...there was always a spot for shade...a perfect place to throw a blanket down and journal or draw or play guitar...just daydream or watch the clouds through the leaves. at night the stars were bright little crystals burning so clear in the sky. all i'm doing now is summarizing...i could go way in to depth over all these little bits... and i will have to someday. because when i think about all the stories i have from this place, my memories feel full of magic. i'll have to delve more in to each one...paint the pictures i hold in my head with all the beautiful strokes and colors...it really was such a special place!

for a time i wanted to live in town...have a sidewalk to ride a bike on. not be surrounded by ticks! be closer to the action i suppose. but i appreciated the country life more and more as i got older. while i was home, i got to spend a couple of nights there and even take a couple of naps in my parents bed. sleeping there wasn't like it use to be since i didn't have my own room anymore. but the naps in my parents room were so peaceful. i could smell my mama on her pillow...remembered sneaking in to their bed when i was too afraid of the dark. i'm grateful for those last moments there.



my sister and her husband and son joined me out here with our parents on my last night in oklahoma (my brother was out with his girlfriend...little turd!). we shot off some leftover fireworks, ate spaghetti, played with my nephew, and simply visited. the minutes ticked by and i became more and more emotional as my departure time approached. the flood gates opened when i said goodbye to my sister and nephew...jackson's four year old mind doesn't quite grasp the distance and time apart in my new reality and it makes it tougher for me. and of course i'm always worrying about my sister. i hugged my parents about three times each:) it was hard to walk out that door. they stayed in the doorway as i backed out of the driveway and out in to the street...i drove away crying knowing that it was the last time i would leave that place and drive down that road. i'm not exaggerating at all when i say that this was my hardest goodbye.


now i have to think about oklahoma as being where i am from and focus on establishing "my home" wherever i am. this can be challenging considering that tommy, kakashi, and i are officially a military family...and will most definitely be relocating a few times! however, being away from tommy for a month and being so anxious to return to him helped me put my finger on something. very simply...tommy is home. wherever he is...whenever we are together...that is home. but...my oh my...i'm going to miss this house my parents made in to such a beautiful place to grow up in!