Monday, February 29, 2016

An Angry Side to Depression


Time to confess all of my recent struggles with my depression, dear readers. My medicine wasn't working anymore, and when I ran out, although I put the refill request in, I couldn't bring myself to go and pick them up. Basic living and functioning have become more and more challenging. Anxiety and depression typically go hand in hand, but I never really had problems with it until this last year and a half really...and it's gotten worse and worse, I'm afraid. During these last six months or so, I've developed problems with focusing and concentrating as well. I start projects, chores, or tasks, and I can't finish them...I look around at the mess and chaos and I get overwhelmed. Mindless tasks become my only comfort, but even then, I'm still fidgeting...watching TV while playing a game on my cell phone and rolling silly putty around in my other hand...rewinding the show time and time again because I missed something!

I quit my job. I couldn't handle it. The noise and fast pace just about drove me crazy. And again, I couldn't focus...I can't even tell you how many wine glasses I broke. Normally I can leave my personal problems at the door when I'm on the clock, but I really couldn't keep it together...smiling alone made me want to cry with all the energy it took to fake it. I've found another job, and I start tomorrow...it will be quieter and more easy going I think...I hope...

I've unraveled before in my fight with mental illness. I believe every single one of us will at several points during our journeys. Some times are harder than others...this one has been. It has been one of those times where I have felt extremely alone. Now I know that I'm not...I am blessed with support and encouragement from friends and family from all over! Sometimes that long distance love just isn't enough. And sometimes the people who are physically closest to me can't seem to deal with me during my worst times...I can sense their annoyance and irritation, their lack of understanding and or compassion. Then again, that could be the darkness casting its shadows and distorting reality.

Whatever the case may be, I have recently had thoughts I've rarely had before. Normally, I would never wish my internal war and demons on anyone else! This period of time, however, has stirred up an emotion I avidly try to avoid. Anger. Attitudes toward me have felt dismissive and uncaring...like I've become exhaustive and a burden to be around. Usually I can deal with it...not lately. I have been experiencing resentment towards the people who seem to lack any ounce of empathy. I've been wishing my pain on them...wishing they could walk in my shoes for a while and feel the everything and nothing that I feel! I hate thinking this way, I really do. I wrote a poem about it...I'll share it with you all later. Right now...I don't know what else I can say on this topic. I'm angry, but I know my thoughts are unfair and terrible...I wish it, but I don't...it breaks my heart knowing that millions of us suffer. I wish it, but I don't...no one needs to feel this way.

When I saw my doctor a few days ago, I simply lost it...I couldn't explain anything at all without an endless stream of tears. So here's the newest battle plan! I'll be taking 40mg of Prozac with the addition of 10mg of Buspar, and I will be starting therapy up again soon. The therapy will probably help the most since I'm obviously experiencing more emotions and problems at one time than I have ever had before! Talking with you all has always been a kind of therapy for me, but there are things I can't say here...things that are too personal, you know? I hold back really, and I think that's important for you all to know. I believe in keeping the discussion for mental illness open and honest...our voices need to be heard! But our battles tend to involve details that aren't meant for all of the internet world. For example, I don't want to talk so openly about individuals or relationships which are a part of my story because that could potentially involve other stories that aren't mine to share. You know what I'm saying? I try and share as much as I can, I promise!

Anyway! I'm going to wrap this up, my friends. I'll share that poem with you all soon! Just checking in like I do and giving you all the latest update on my depression. I hope everyone has a great week!

Hugs and love, my lovelies!
Amy

Thursday, February 11, 2016

"Non Drowsy" Allergy Medicine...Yeah Right!

So many things on my mind these days. Looking for a new job; researching information on how to get The Ro Fo Sho Art & Photography out to the world; trying to lose weight and be healthier; worrying and thinking of different relationships and how to improve them...the list goes on...

And all the while I'm so tired with my depression, fatigue, allergies, loneliness, lack of energy...

I swear this "non drowsy" allergy medicine has been knocking me out the past few days...I'm fighting it right now. Ugh.

Sliced my finger open last night too! I probably need stitches. Ugh. Funny story actually...it's the same finger I sliced open my sophomore year of college, but this cut is in a different location. I didn't get stitches then either, and I have a faint little scar. This recent wound will more than likely scar as well...it's going to look like I hate my left middle finger! I must admit that I do find it amusing in a juvenile way that I inevitably flip people off showing them my sliced and diced finger...it's the little things. Ha!


Anyway! This medicine makes me feel like a zombie...I keep zoning out and staring at the screen. Okay, I'm giving in...fine then "non drowsy" allergy medicine, you win! My couch is calling...nap time. Hugs and love, my lovelies!

Zzzzzzzz,
Amy

Tuesday, February 9, 2016

Bits of Beauty

I've been irritated and angry and hurt these last few weeks. I've been hopeful and inspired and motivated. Up, down, sideways, high, low, and upside down. Laughter and tears. Confidence and insecurity. Sense of success and fear of failure. Unwanted and not needed...rolled over and dismissed. Uncertain and tired. Pleased and let down. Alone.

My head and my heart hurt. Is this is a slump in my life with depression? Have I become cynical? Are the demons winning, or are the angels exhausted from fighting?

I don't know anymore...we'll see what happens next. Here is some art in progress and some bits of beauty and yummy foods and time with friends...







Dear readers, please hang in there on this roller coaster ride...believe in better days and happier relationships and luck and blessings. Hopefully I'll get out of this funk soon! Hugs and love, my lovelies!

Always,
Amy

p.s. Feel free to follow me on Instagram - amyrofosho : ) I would say I am the most consistent there in regards to social media and this little corner of the Internet.

Thursday, January 21, 2016

Mars on My Mind

When I was a little girl, I had several ideas of who and what I wanted to be when I grew up. My longest running dream was to be an artist; and I believe that, although I'm not exactly making money or have any sort of reputation in the field, I can call myself an artist. The second longest running dream was to become a photographer, and in 2004 I graduated as a certified professional photographer...check that box! In college I went from a biochemistry major, to journalism, and then to elementary education. Before and throughout my academic years I also dreamed of being a ballerina, Olympian ice skater, pilot, doctor, singer (still dreaming haha!), archaeologist, and more! But there is one dream, the third longest running dream, that I still think of...an astronaut!

Although I know I won't ever become one (at least in this lifetime), I continue to dream of going to space. The movie Contact always makes me cry and the movie Interstellar swept me away! I'll always be in love with Han Solo and the Star Wars movies of course, and Doctor Who is my all time favorite show. When I walk Kakashi at night, I'm always looking up more than ahead...I wonder about aliens and life on other planets...and yes...I'm constantly thinking about how I would react if the Doctor did indeed show up in his blue box in front of my eyes haha! Nerdy and proud right here, y'all!

And then there is Mars...sigh. I read and loved The Martian by Andy Weir (he is also a Doctor Who fan by the way), and I saw the movie...it was great, but y'all know how it goes...the book is better! I almost bypassed the February issue of Glamour until I saw in the bottom right hand corner the catch line, "Would YOU go to Mars?" Hell yeah! I picked it up and read about the awesome women scheduled for future Mars missions...yes I'm jealous! I asked my husband if we could apply to go to the red planet, and he very adamantly said, "NO!" Oh but what an adventure it would be!

So there it is, dear readers...Mars on my mind these days! My last two art pieces have been with the red planet in mind, and I just wanted to share those with y'all. The first is with oil pastels on pastel paper and the second is with watercolor cakes on watercolor canvas. As far as The Ro Fo Sho Art and Photography is going these days, I have a renewed energy to get my name and art out there, so hopefully you all will start hearing more about that endeavor soon...any prayers, well wishes, and positive vibes will be greatly appreciated!

Hope the rest of your week is delightful, my friends! Hugs and love, my lovelies!

Peace out!
The Ro Fo Sho


Wednesday, January 13, 2016

The Past Few Weeks in Pictures

How about a bit of catching up? I have a few cell phone pics I want to share since I was absent during the holiday season...and although it was an emotional time with the anniversary of Grandma's passing and with us being apart from our families, we had some happy moments :)

Tom's command Christmas party happened to fall on the exact anniversary of losing my grandma, but as upset as I was with the memories, I knew it was something she would have wanted me to experience and enjoy. Grandma would have really loved all the shopping I had to do to get ready...she loved seeing me get all dressed up, so I knew she was smiling down from Heaven!







It was really quite lovely and a ton of fun! Tom participated in a scavenger type game; he didn't win, but he got close and it was hilarious to watch :) I was really impressed with the party the USS Iwo Jima was able to throw...fabulous time!

Kakashi turned 5 on December 5th. We don't have children, but my dog is seriously my baby...he truly brings me so much joy...don't know what I'd do without him :)



He got some lovin' from all of us of course; he loves my friend Stephany! Not sure if that video is going to load, but it's of me singing "Happy Birthday" to him...I like to sing to him...'cause he's my baby!

I have a few pictures from Christmas I'll share here, but the good ones are on my real camera...y'all might see those next Christmas haha! Anyway! It was our first Christmas just the two of us since 2011, so it was very special to me...it was perfect. We had cinnamon rolls in the morning (a tradition from my family that I've carried over for us). Tom was adamant that we have a palm tree Christmas tree since we live in Florida, and since he doesn't usually care too much about the holidays, I made sure to make his one wish come true! We were able to get a few things for each other; funny story actually...Tom couldn't find the right wrapping paper so he used Happy Birthday paper; I thought it was sweet and funny! Kakashi had some goodies in his stocking; I love giving him gifts...again...he's my baby you know! We had a delicious dinner with Stephany and Victor, and then we spent the rest of the evening relaxing and being lazy on the couch...I watched some Doctor Who too! The day after Christmas was our anniversary...5 years being married!!! The time has flown by and we've had our ups and downs, but we've made it through a lot together and I think the best is yet to come :)






New Years Eve was a blast! We ate at Poe's Tavern and then spent the rest of the night at a bar called Pete's...played some pool, visited with friends, and drank some truly awful champagne at midnight haha! I'm excited for this next year for Tom and me...he's moved from sea duty to shore duty so no more under ways and deployments (although he's currently away at school for a couple of months), but after that, we will be with each other the most since we've been married...this could be interesting haha! The next couple of pics are of our New Years kiss and my top nine photos on Instagram for 2015...



2 things going on in those photos. 1. I miss my blonde hair...think I'm going to have to find a happy place with my color with red AND blonde! 2. I am the heaviest I've ever been in my life :( So I've started eating healthier...


I've always loved healthy foods the most anyway, but I've definitely over indulged in junk and sweets the past few months...I am an emotional eater unfortunately...so it's a challenge I must overcome and I know I will. Right now I weight 168.5 pounds...it's so uncomfortable and awful...that's about 30 pounds overweight; I'm officially obese for my height, and it breaks my heart. So now that I've officially shared this with the internet, complaining and crying over it just won't cut it anymore; I WILL do something about it! I already have a scale (I just bought it) right next to my refrigerator...I'll keep y'all updated.

Well, I need to wrap this up I suppose and go buy some lottery tickets! I hope everyone is having a great week and staying warm...brrrr...it's even chilly here in Florida! Hugs and love, my lovelies!

Happy Wednesday!
Amy


Sunday, January 10, 2016

No Name Calling...My Bad

One minute until noon, so good morning, dear readers! Just a quick little bit this morning/beginning afternoon time! In my previous post, Donald Trump, Gun Control, and Mental Illness...Throw down..., I got pretty heated up; and in my response to actions I find hateful, I responded hatefully myself. This is certainly not cool, and therefore I apologize for the name calling...let's not do the name calling thing around here, ok? My belief is that Donald Trump has said some hateful and ignorant things and that he has some hateful and ignorant ideas. My belief is that banning Muslims from our country is a hateful and ignorant act. I'll stand by my beliefs, but, although I wish I could, I can't get others to share them with me. To each their own...no more name calling from me!

I suppose that's all for now...I believe I shall get started on my lazy Sunday afternoon...drinking tea, reading, and listening to music...awww the simple things...

Hugs and love, my lovelies!

Have a happy weekend!
The Ro Fo Sho


Wednesday, January 6, 2016

Donald Trump, Gun Control, and Mental Illness...Throw down...

Alrightythen! The holiday season has passed, and it's a brand spanking new year! (Just in case y'all didn't notice...hahahaha...haha...ha...ha). Anywho! Dang...my spellcheck has lots of red squiggly lines going on back there...oh well...writing rules are meant to be broken! Moving on!

There are several things I would like to talk about, but I'm going to narrow it down to three for now and hop up on my soap box...

Donald Trump is a hateful excuse for a human being, and I find it deeply disturbing how many supporters he has!!! I don't have the energy, or inclination really, to start a political debate or discussion; I just want to say one thing. If you are an individual who thinks that The United States of America should ban Muslims, you're a dirt bag (to put it mildly and refrain from the enormous amount of cursing I would prefer). You are ignorant and hateful; and you better keep your opinions to yourself because I will tear you a new one since I'm obviously leaps and bounds more intelligent and decent than you are.

Gun control. Does anyone else find it at all scary that so many people are against stricter and more background checks? That after President Obama's address, a bunch of people went out and bought guns today? I know "so many" and "a bunch" aren't scientific measurements...I'm not trying to discuss statistics and the details of it all. I'm just saying that there seem to be quite a few people who are worried that they aren't going to get to buy their guns because of their background checks...these people probably shouldn't have any freakin' guns!!! Gun show vendors are angry for the potential decrease in sales because of these checks...ummm...why the fuck??? Sorry...I just had to let my dirty mouth go a second. If you can't pass a background check, you shouldn't own a fucking gun!!! Sorry again.

We talk about mental health here in this little corner of the internet world...it's our thing, y'all know. So of course I'm a big fan of the funding going towards mental health...it sucks that it takes people shooting other people to bring mental illness into the spotlight, but after the fact, maybe those of us who suffer our own illnesses but don't plan on hurting ourselves or others might have a louder voice in the open. And those who are struggling with the thoughts of hurting themselves and others might feel a little less lonely and more comfortable talking to their doctors about what they are going through before they act out violently.

Okay, so that's just a summary of my thoughts on those things...Donald Trump is a piece of shit (sorry); I like guns and support people owning guns, but not people who can't pass background checks; and yes yes yes, let's keep talking about mental health in the media!!!

Thanks for putting up with me getting a little political today, my friends! I have several goals for 2016, and one of them is to definitely write more ;)

Hugs and love, my lovelies!
Amy