I don't want to go to work!

Today is a 4 out of 10...just because I have to work at my part time job instead of stay home and create.

I have so much enthusiasm for my art adventure that I wish I didn't have to go to work today :( I won't go bashing the company I currently work for because that's just rude, but I will say that it just isn't the right fit for me. Therefore, I have been a terrible employee, and it has become embarrassing! I gave my resignation notice, and I'm pursuing another job where I will be doing at least a part of one of my passions...photography...I think I will do much better and be much happier! Fingers crossed! Knock on wood!

Well, I didn't really have anything interesting to say, and I need to start getting ready for work. Boo. Sniffle. I share these two pictures because my next couple of projects will be with oil pastel and my graphite pencils. I've been working with my Prismacolors a bunch so it's time to move on! I'm also trying a new thing involving crayons and watercolor...it's been a trial and error type of experience! I can't wait to share all of my new art with you all!

Hugs and love, my lovelies!
The Ro Fo Sho

Pumping Up The Ro Fo Sho...

Today is a good day.

I cannot remember a time when I wasn't drawing or interested in art. I remember that I would draw my whole family and write their names above their heads. I don't remember ever coloring outside the lines...even though I'm sure there was a time that I did! But, I do remember in 1st grade when the teacher leading us in some kind of coloring exercise said, "Always stay in the lines," I thought, "Duh." :) My first memory is drawing people kind of like this:



Haha, I never gave the girls eyebrows because I thought they looked like boys with them! I don't know why! As I got older, I started seeing faces as more of a "U" shape than a circle, and I started drawing my hands like mittens and my feet in shoes. My first childhood dream was to be an artist. However, even though I was an imaginative little girl, I was also a bit practical. As I grew older I learned that being an artist was not a stable career choice. So, I just drew and painted as a hobby for many many...many years! :)

When I was 13 or 14 years old, I developed and interest in photography. I wrote myself a letter to open when I turned 20. You can read about that story here. It's actually one of my favorite posts I've ever written, so I encourage you to read it for the first time or again...I loved reading it again :) If that makes me silly, I don't care! EXTREMELY long story short...I have evolved since that post. I've also derailed since that post. I was up and ready to go...and then I was battling my depression again...2 years of me trying to feel stable again. I produced a TON of art for a brief moment, and then I stopped for a long time. Well! I've started again, AND I've started photographing again. And since I'm on a good solid path for treatment (which was described in my last post here) I have the enthusiasm again. I also have a time limit...I'm 30...if I don't get it together now, I'll be 40 and wondering what I did in the last decade.

Here are the things going on for The Ro Fo Sho Art & Photography: I've created my own little space to really WORK in...to feel inspired and create in. It is indeed very little, and I really need another table, as well as more shelving. I don't want to spend a bunch of money on that right now...I need to make sure I have enough for paper, canvases, pencils, pastels, etc. for what I have planned. Once I get enough pieces to use as examples for what I have to offer, I will create a facebook fan page...hopefully very soon! Someday I'll have a website too! But here's the biggest news I can share: I'm really really REALLY going to try and go back to school for an art education degree, so that I may learn how to become a better artist and so that I can really share my passion with the people who need passion the most, the youth!



 

 

 

 

It's going to be a challenging journey for me. Even though I've started treatment for my clinical depression, I have a long way to go because I waited too long to be as proactive about it as I am now. There are still mornings I don't want to get out of bed...there are still moments when I look off into space and think, "I'm too old and tired to do anything now. I've run out of time." These thoughts, even typing them, bring a clenched feeling in my chest of darkness and hopelessness...but I consciously make myself push it away...I channel in light and inspiration instead. The thing is I AM older...and if I don't get better, then I'm wasting my life. So, my parting wisdom for today...depression causes life to pass too quickly and before you know it, you've felt miserable for far too long...don't let this happen! Find a way to bring the light and inspiration back in to yourself...bring yourself back to who you were before the dark. Don't give up!

Hugs and love, my lovelies!

Getting Better

Today is refreshing.

Hello, dear ones! I apologize for my absence, and I promise to try and not go so long between posts anymore. I want to write about a trip to Oklahoma my husband and I took a few weeks ago, but I'm having problems getting my pictures off the memory card and on to the computer...so that's on hold for now. So! I need to update y'all about my depression! I'll try not to be so depressing about it...ha. ha.

First! I had to take Kakashi on a walk before my appointment, and right when we turned the corner there was a mama duck with all of her brand new ducklings huddled around her. The daddy duck had been guarding her in her nest for a little while, so I was really excited to see them hatched! I thought, "This is a sign for a new life ahead of me."



Okay! I finally met with my psychiatrist! She's a lovely woman...soothing and calming...her name is Anne. When she called my name in the waiting room, I stood up to follow her, and my eyes immediately started to water. She said I could sit anywhere; I sat; she asked a question; and I started crying! Oh man, I was apologizing like crazy and grabbing wads of Kleenex...I felt stupid! But she explained that it happened all the time and that it was a very natural response...I felt better.

It was a 2 hour session and I pretty much gave her my life story. By the end of the appointment I was feeling more hopeful than I've ever felt before in this 14 year struggle...relief. So! This is what I have to do. Quit drinking - I'll be fine, though, if I have a drink on special occasions, but definitely not a social drinker anymore! Eat 2 cups of leafy dark greens a day - easy...I LOVE veggies and leafy things! Exercise 30 minutes every day - I was exercising every other day for a while, so I'm just going to incorporate more cardio to my routine. Therapy - that will start next month. And here's the big one...Prozac!

I've always been scared of Prozac. The first doctor to ever treat my depression said it could cause me to gain weight. And in later years, I learned from others that it affected their sex drives. These are not good things in my book! Haha! When I expressed these fears to Anne, she assured me that it shouldn't cause weight gain and that it in fact usually helps binge eaters. And she said that if my sex drive was affected, there is another medicine I can take to counteract it. So far no problems!

I finally feel like I have a doctor who is going to get to know me and really help me. All of my primary care physicians have failed me time and time again. Except for Dr. McKinnon...he was awesome! But all who followed him, were terrible. I would have to share my story every single time and share what meds I had all really been on...every. single. time. So annoying!!!

I've got a long way to go in this healing process...but I feel like I'm going to get there faster than I would have without a good doctor! That shall be my parting wisdom for all of us battling depression...find a great and wonderful doctor!

Hugs and love, my lovelies!

Enough Of The Cold!

Today was irritating.

I am so extremely passionately excruciatingly tired of the cold weather...enough! It feels like it's been winter forever...like the cold has seeped all the way to the insides of my bones and I am a frigid frigid woman! The cold is terrible for my depression...like it slows everything down way too much...causing me to linger in a negative state of mind. Ugh.

These photos are from a walk Kakashi and I took two weeks ago...

I thought it was a glimpse at spring...that warmer weather and green and flowers and light jackets were just around the corner. And then it rained and snowed...it's been a mushy wet mess. I literally can't stand it anymore...it makes me angry...legit. Of course, that might be a bit of depression talking.

Anywho. I know that more comfortable weather will make me feel better...I'm eagerly waiting. I also have a doctor's appointment in April that I'm anxious for...desperate to get the chemical imbalance in my head back to balanced. Stupid illness.

Dear Spring, please get here and stay here! I would greatly appreciate it! Love, The Cold Irritated Angry Woman Sick Of Winter :)

Miserable Day

Today was very hard.

I am having a challenging time being happy at my part time job, and I know part of it is because of my depression, but I wish I knew how much I dislike it regardless of my illness. All I can do is keep working my shifts and see how my attitude may change once I start getting treatment again. Fingers crossed.

I called my mama and cried it all out to her...she calmed me down and helped me think of the right actions to take. My depression left untreated this long can really make me cloudy and unsure...I'm grateful for my mama's ability to help me work it out when I'm just too teary eyed and in the muck to figure it out myself. I love you, mama!!!

I don't work tomorrow, so tonight I'm having red wine and dark chocolate and TV shows. I'm going to try and relax...

 

My mama and me March 2012

 

Links...

I would like to post links to my entries where I specifically address depression...just in case anyone needs easier access...

Breaking The Silence...

My Fight With Depression

A Dilemma With Depression

I would like to note that as I began writing these posts, my depression was actually getting worse...I was struggling with finding the right medicines and my husband (my rock) was constantly leaving on under ways...so I felt very alone during this time. I didn't continue with the discussion as I wanted to, but since I've changed how to go about this blog, I feel like I'll still get to address the topics I wanted to then. Thanks for stickin' with me, y'all!

 Hugs and love, everybody!

Irish Every Day

My new part time job has not helped with my depression like I was hopeful it would. The place is understaffed and the expectations for the associates are unreasonable with the lack of coverage...therefore, I feel extremely stressed every time I work. I've come home crying on multiple occasions...

However, I feel like I wouldn't be having such a difficult time handling the stress if I wasn't dealing with clinical depression. At this point, though, it is what it is. My husband has been very supportive, thankfully! He may not understand it, but he knows how to comfort me...and surprise me!



Back story time! March 17, 2010, I woke up with the unbearable pain of a kidney stone. I knew what it was because it was my second experience...the first time I thought I was dying. So, I still felt like I was dying, but at least I knew what it was. My St. Patrick's Day was ruined...I went in to the hospital that morning and had surgery the next evening. My friends brought me balloons and flowers...my best bud brought me the commemorative mug that O'Connell's sells every year. And, Tom sat next to my hospital bed until I slept...

After my recovery and removal of the stint and end of antibiotics, Tom surprised me with a make up St. Patty's Day celebration. He called all of our friends and had them meet at O'Connell's Irish Pub with St. Pat's decorations, green beads, and even an Irish Princess tiara for me...I was legit surprised and so very very touched. He understood how much I love the holiday...how every year I would try and take the day and day after off, so I could drink green beer, hang with good friends, and listen to awesome live music all day. My friend, Michelle, and Tom put together a really great party for me to have a belated celebration, and it was as good and even better than every year before!

The week leading to this year's St. Patrick's Day was hard because of the stress and depression I was feeling from work. I couldn't even get excited about it! I knew we wouldn't be able to even enjoy the day because Tom and I both had to work the following Monday...so we planned on having friends over Saturday night. I came home from work on Friday crying, and I went to work the next morning feeling sick and awful. I text Tom at lunch that I was going to try and come home early...I was feeling too sick and down to even think about having people over that night. Lucky for me, work let me leave early...





Tom once again surprised me with plans he made for our party! I walked through the door to a decorated home complete with balloons and shamrock cookies...even a lighted shamrock in the window. He had my favorite flowers, daisies, for me as well as green beads. And he tidied up the place too!!! Swoon! He lifted my spirits with his thoughtfulness and attention. I took some medicine and a long nap, so when I woke, I was ready to celebrate with our friends. We drank green beer and green whiskey, and we played cards and listened to music...lots of laughter and smiles :) I am so grateful for this husband of mine...

  
 



It's not just a silly holiday...Tom knows how much I love my Irish ancestry...going to Ireland is one of my biggest dreams! My sweet husband has Irish ancestry as well! So we're not just Irish for a day...we're Irish every day...and we have year round decor to prove it! While Tom was deployed, he made a really cool purchase for us...the crests and origins of our family names...


 

They're above the fireplace right now, but I don't feel like they get enough light there, so I will be moving them. But, they are by far 3 of my very favorite things on our walls! They were a wonderful gift from my husband and now a daily reminder of his thoughtfulness and care he gives me all the time and especially with surprises like this St. Patrick's Day celebration.