Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Any Compassionate & Decent Doctors Out There!?

Doctors don't want to treat addicts anymore. That seems to be the most common response anyway. And you know what...that really really...REALLY pisses me off! This whole "pain pills dependency epidemic" was created by doctors, right? Their patients continued to complain about pain, and their response was to just give out the pills! And now, they don't even want to care for those patients with those addictions anymore! There are so many policies and guidelines in place now (that should have been present before) that really keep the doctors liable...penalties are dealt left and right, and they're so afraid of messing up that they're just throwing up their hands and saying, "I won't treat addicts!" Of course, I'm not trying to say that this is the only reason or explanation...but there's no doubt that it did happen in several cases. The assumption appears to be that if an addict is seeking a doctor, they're only actually seeking the pills. But what about the addicts who are on a pain management program? They are taking care of their addiction and pain with other facilities, but they need other doctors for colds, infections, and so many other illnesses that we all deal with whether we're dependent on pain medicine or not! Seriously!

I will say that the majority of statements I read on social networking sites are simply judgmental. Some people do take advantage of programs, and some people are really just looking to get high. But who the hell decided that the actions of a few people should define the other millions looking for a compassionate and decent doctor? Rage...this causes me to feel rage!

The point of all this is very simple. I need a primary care doctor to see one of my family members. This family member manages the pain and addiction...the program that helps this family member with the pain and addiction can not help with the medical needs that are needed...the symptoms could be a result of the pain management treatment or not. Regardless...this person deserves to be seen and cared for without judgment or prejudice.

I am SO SICK of the judgment and prejudice in this country. Come on people! Stop defining everybody and  everything on the actions of a few! If you know a primary care doctor that will take care of my family member, I would very much appreciate the help! Needed in Norman, OK.

*update* Called 5 doctors this morning. One wasn't accepting new patients, and I left messages with the nurses of the other 4. Two called me back. I missed one of the calls, but the voicemail didn't sound very friendly. The nurse I did talk to, Nola, knew exactly where I was coming from and understood how badly my family member had been treated in the past. I will share this doctor's name and contact info after her appointment if I think he's going to take good care of my family. Fingers crossed! Prayers up!

Dear ones, I'll definitely be ranting a little bit more on this blog...however, it will be from a place in my heart...which does not judge, strives for peace, and only wants the best for humanity. Hugs and love, my lovelies!

Ro Fo Sho out! ;)

Monday, April 7, 2014

Another Update...Because That's Just What I Do! Ha!

My lovely dears, it’s time for another depression update! Here’s a short summary in list form…because lists are cool.

Was doing really really well.
Triggers sent me falling back down.
Struggled and coped badly.
Got worse.
Got irritated with myself.
Remembered how great it was to feel the way I did before.
Back on track.
Getting better.
Seeing that happy light again.

It sounds so simple in list form, doesn’t it? All of us who struggle with mental illnesses know that the word “simple” will never be used to describe the fights we battle! The little side notes to my list would include damaging relationships, drinking excessively, making bad decisions, eating through sadness, and so on and so on. But you want to know what I realized through this last bumpy ride off the tracks? Of course you do! I have been dealing with depression (as far back as I can remember anyway) for exactly half of my life thus far. What? Seriously? Half my life. It shocked me. My own electrotherapy we could say…hahaha…not really.

So! I can’t even count the number of times I’ve fallen all the way down to the belly of the beast. I’ve lost track of how often I’ve had to find my way (with the help of friends, family, doctors, medicines, and self reflection) through the dark and back to the light. The number I know is 16 years…half of my life.

My psychiatrist recently told me I’m actually in a really great place of self awareness. I know how happy I was feeling, and I miss it. The extreme switch from doing really well to doing really badly, gave me a side by side comparison. The sharp and abrupt fall down, as opposed to the typical gradual decrease, was cold water to my sleeping face. I’m awake now; determined as I found myself to be before; and actually a little pissed off. I’d say that’s great motivation!

How are your journeys going? Are you making a genuine effort to take control of your illnesses? Remember that healing can start from just opening the curtains, walking to the mailbox, making silly faces in the mirror…just doing something that brings a little light, gives a little fresh air, or causes a little laugh (just to name a few) can start a domino effect of other little things that can start to bring some relief closer to you and darkness further behind you.

Stay determined. Hugs and love, my lovelies!
Amy (The Ro Fo Sho kicking depression’s ugly butt!)

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Sicky Yucky Icky Time

Sorry for yet another absence. I've been sick. Drainage and congestion! Dry cough and mucus cough! Body aches and head aches...I want my mommy. I feel like I've become more of a baby in my old age haha. Anyway. I'm still here...I'm just gross and prone to whining right now. When I feel human again, I will share more interesting and pleasant stories with you...ones that don't involve germ filled imagery! Vitamins, water, and rest, dearies! Hugs and love, my lovelies!

Here are some bright cheery flowers to give us all a boost!

Monday, February 17, 2014

Bad Roller Coaster Ride

"Bad Roller Coaster Ride"

In the dark; in the shadows,
I get lost.
Who I am, I no longer know.
Feelings altered; words I wouldnt' say;
What happened?
Looks like I've lost another day.

This can be a lonely life,
The worst roller coaster ride.
I need you to understand.
This, all of this mess,
Is too often out of my hands.

I wish it would have been me,
To tell you.
Concern, detachment, worrying,
Hurt feelings, reacting the wrong way;
I'm sorry.
It all diffused inside the gray.

This can be a lonely life,
The worst roller coaster ride.
I need you to understand.
This, all of this mess,
Is too often out of my hands.

But I will take control, I will.
Before I lose myself, I'll reclaim,
The woman I use to know..

Some will forgive; some give compassion,
But not always.
Others are angry, bad reactions,
Hearts broken, reality crashes,
It's over.
My apologies, my explanations
There's nothing else for me to say.

This can be a lonely life,
The worst roller coaster ride.
I need you to understand.
This, all of this mess,
Is too often out of my hands.

A poem for lost and broken friendships. Hugs and love, my lovelies!


Bruised But Determined


I've shared this drawing before, but I'm sharing it again because it's probably the most relevant representation of my current feelings and state of mind. I was doing so incredibly wonderfully well with my it didn't even exist anymore! I couldn't wait to share my happiness with y'all! As I told y'all before in the last entry, life has been challenging since the end of 2013 and beginning of 2014...and it's actually gotten worse. My most recent session with my psychiatrist helped me to realize that being in my home state and the confrontations I faced there, were triggers...I will be exploring more about what triggers my depression with my therapist these next few weeks. Anyway, my blissful, stable, and happy mind has been crumbling since returning from Oklahoma.

Grandma was back in the hospital, and I fear she won't be able to handle the next round of chemo. We're facing potential legal issues after I reacted in an emotional and unintelligent way. I lost friends because I reacted blindly in the shadows of my mind to something that probably could have been handled differently...and found out so many awful things that were thought about me. I've been emotionally eating and thus gaining weight. My heart is heavy everyday. This is one of the most challenging moments of my life.

But I'm determined to get back to that happy was the best I had felt in years! Thankfully, my husband has been my strength while I've been shouldering weakness...I'd probably give up if he wasn't here to help me. It's during these upsetting times when a marriage is tested; and we find out that the enormity of our love will guide us through the dark...I feel like it's been a boost to our relationship...a reminder that we'll always be able to work through the tough spots if we stick together. 

My husband, the forgiveness and compassion others have given me, the understanding nature and encouragement of so many people, and my belief in myself...these are the things that will help me heal and find my happiness again.

Stay optimistic and stay determined, my friends...don't give up on yourself. Hugs and love, my lovelies!


Monday, January 20, 2014

Shrivel, crinkle, and slowly spring back

There were tears and goodbyes, stress and frustration, and challenges and obstacles that wrapped up 2013 and started 2014. I believe it was the worst end and worst beginning I've ever experienced during this, not to be dramatic, pivotal time in all of our lives. Out with the old and in with the new ya know? My out and in was more like a shrivel, crinkle, and slowly start to spring back! I could share several stories to explain how this all evolved but they're not so much fun and involve topics that really should be kept private from the internet population. I will say that right now my heart is heavy with worry for my grandma...but that will be a whole other post to itself.


Rather than share all of the yucky parts of the end and beginning of years, I will be sharing stories of being home for the holidays, our 3 year wedding anniversary, fun times with friends, and much more in the coming days. My husband will be leaving (doing the Navy thing) for just a short while and therefore will not be around to distract me with his devilish good looks so that I may be able to write more often...haha! But before I leave...

We arrived in Oklahoma on the Eve of Christmas Eve with basically enough time to visit a bit and then go to sleep! The next morning, before I met up with Tom and his family, I took a walk with my sister, nephew, and dogs through a neighborhood covered in ice...a beautiful magical icy world! Here are some snapshots along the way (taken with little point and shoot Canon Elph)...

Stay warm, darlings ;)
Hugs and love, my lovelies!

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Christmas in Oklahoma

Merry Christmas from Oklahoma, dear ones! I'll have pictures and stories to share later, but tonight is for quiet time with the family...unwinding and snacks...playing with my nephew...chilling out with my mama and sister :) I'm so happy to be home for Christmas! Tomorrow...our 3 year wedding it!

Hugs and Christmas time love, my lovelies!