Monday, February 23, 2015

Tightrope Walking

Good afternoon, dear readers! I suppose I'll start with a word for the day...let's see...hmmm...unbalanced; that will work. I'm still walking this tightrope portion of my depression, and I've been wavering and teetering the whole time. I haven't fallen completely off, but I've clung to the line with eyes closed and not wanting to look or move. Sometimes I get a few steps ahead and am happy with my grace and progression, but I've still got a long way to go. This unbalanced section of the journey is truly exhausting, though, and I feel like I'm sleeping my life away! But I'm up now, and I have things to do, so I just have to keep pushing myself. Hopefully I find a job soon!

Moving on! I've left y'all hanging in my last couple of posts saying I would elaborate on a particular subject more, but I've yet to do that! So I'm just going to play catch up right now...

When I wrote about my practically perfect weekend, I mentioned thinking about my grandma. I started to write about it, but decided to save it for later; so I'm going to copy and paste what I began to share:

...practically perfect weekend, but by the time all of my company had left, I was confronted and left alone with the thought that had been lingering and waiting for my attention when I would no longer be distracted. "I want to call Grandma." I called her often but especially when the weather was nice or when a big football game was on, and I just couldn't help but feel that need for communication more intensely than ever since she's been gone. It struck me like a ton of bricks and I was gasping with grief through heavy heavy sobs...it was one of the most heart wrenching moments I've had since being back in Florida, and the first one without family close by for comfort.

I can think back on it now without feeling so intensely the lonely place her absence has left me in, but the memory of that sudden onslaught of sorrow stays vividly present like a similar wave might crush me at any moment. I miss my grandma so very very much...that's just the simplicity of it. I know I always will, but right now, while it's still new and tender, it just sucks...that's it...it just freakin' sucks.

When I wrote about my wonderfully inspiring night, I told y'all I would elaborate more later. Well, now I don't feel like recounting the conversations I had with a couple of inspiring individuals, so sorry 'bout that haha! What I will share is that after those dialogues, I was geared up and ready to go back to school! I've made this declaration so many times before I can't even guess a number; and obviously I never did make it back! Maybe this time, if I don't tell you about it right away, I'll actually do it and therefore update y'all when it actually happens...ummm...IF it actually happens. But here's the skinny on my brainstorm; I love writing, art, and photography, and so I feel like if I learn more and become more qualified in specific areas, I might actually find a profession I can live with while still chasing the dream of being a successful freelance artist and writer/be my own boss. We'll see what happens...I'll keep y'all updated ;)

Alrightythen, I'm going to go ahead and wrap this one up and start on a couple of more posts for y'all...standby for a discussion on deployment and a discussion on Fifty Shades of Grey...aww, do I have your attention? Haha! I'll leave you with a little collage of my face to showcase my new hair color...please excuse my tired appearance and disorder of my hair. Later, darlings, and hugs and love, my lovelies!

Peace
The Ro Fo Sho


Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Wonderfully Inspiring Night

Word of the day: progress. It took me a little while to get going today, and I had to make it through a few excuses, but I eventually got up and fixed my hair and makeup and ran some errands. My groceries were mostly veggies and I'm eager to use the Magic Bullet my husband got me for Christmas; I WILL lose this weight! I bought a cheap little printer and some paper so that I can print out my different resumes and cover letters; I WILL have a job soon! Last night I went to the Art Walk on the Beach to scout the area for potential places I might like to work and to see what kind of art the local artists around here are doing...it was a truly lovely night. My sweet friend, Elizabeth, came along with me and after walking along in the chilly weather we stopped by our bar, Lynch's,  to warm up and drink a couple of beers. I'll share more about the night with y'all later; I just wanted to mention it because it was a wonderfully inspiring night! I went to sleep and woke up with a fresh surge of ambition and determination and ideas! Well anywho! Just wanted to check in with y'all;  I'll give you more details on how the night enlightened me next time I write. Dear readers, I hope you are having more up days than down days!

Hugs and love, my lovelies
Amy Ro Fo Sho

The following photo is one that my brother's girlfriend sent me today...just a beautiful snapshot and message to let me know that they were thinking of me. I thought it was incredibly kind. Amber, you are too sweet and most definitely a treasure. Thank you again, darlin'!

Monday, February 9, 2015

Bringing Back the Word of the Day

Just a quick little bit for y'all today, and I'm blogging from my phone...I'm going to try and blog like this more because I think it'll help me write more often. And I'm hopeful that if I'm just writing little bits now and then, I'll come across subjects I'd like to expand on in more lengthy posts. Remember the word of the day? I started it a while ago but dropped the ball at some point! Just to remind you, dear ones, the word of the day is a one word summary of how I'm dealing with my depression at the time...sometimes with a brief explanation why, but not always. Quick little tid bits from my phone will be good for me to kind of keep track of how my journey with mental illness is affecting my every day life. Today, I'm having trouble staying awake...I really want to just sleep all day. The word of the day is down...I'm just down.
Unfortunately, sometimes, down days can occur one right after the other; but when I go to sleep tonight, I'm going to tell myself that tomorrow will be a better day. Optimism can do magic, y'all! Dear readers, I'm sorry if you're having a down day. Let's hope for a happier Tuesday!
Hugs and love, my lovelies,
Amy

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Practically Perfect Weekend

This past weekend was a great time with my dear Floridian friends! Lynch's Irish Pub is clearly my new favorite bar and preferred place to hang out with my sweet friend Elizabeth; seriously love this place! Love having my gal pal, Karla, aka sugar plum, around for simple every day things like cooking breakfast and running errands. Kakashi loves having his girlfriend, Athena, over for play time as well when Karla's visiting! Always great meeting other Navy spouses, especially ones with Sailors on the same ship as my husband; shout out to Alexis! It was wonderful having all three of these awesome chickies over for Super Bowl Sunday! Loved the game; enjoyed the halftime show, especially Missy Elliot; appreciated the few great commercials; and was grateful for end of the night fun with Cards Against Humanity with girlfriends!




When all of my company had left, I was overcome with sadness, but I'm not going to talk about that right now. My thoughts were on Grandma, and it was a very emotionally draining bit of time...there's much more to say, so this discussion will happen later!

So moving on! I was finally able to catch a call from my husband! My phone has been acting strangely, so I was missing calls without even knowing it until a voice mail notification popped up. This is a very frustrating situation for military spouses, y'all! We teased each other and laughed and had a quick little visit...every tiny moment of communication is always a treat during deployment :) Oh by the way! Let me share a pic he sent me since he's been gone...all I'm saying is that mustache better be gone by homecoming hahaha!!! (I love you, sugarbutt!)


 Just wanted to share a bit about my practically perfect weekend! Great weather, fabulous friends, and football...a truly awesome combination! Hope y'all had fantastic weekends as well and that this week is quick and easy! Shout out to my brother, Zac, who turned 30 this week...Happy Birthday, bro, love you and miss you! My siblings and I are now all officially in our 30's...wow!

Hugs and love, my lovelies,
Amy

Friday, January 30, 2015

Keeping It Real With Depression

Good day to you, dear ones! I've been home just a couple of days shy of two weeks, and I have been struggling. Missing my grandma in every moment of silence and free thinking; worrying about my family and all the conflicts present; heartbroken for friends with pains I understand all too well; dealing with insecurities and uncertainties in my personal life...so much negativity! The dark shadows of my depression are fiercer and more menacing these days, and it's exhausting having to hold them back while trying to keep my balance on this tight rope I'm walking...over and through this soul sucking bunch of muck! Ugh. So sorry to start off so dismal. Unfortunately, I'm simply keeping it real. This is living with clinical depression and other mental illnesses. I've been doing it for more than half of my life, as y'all know, so I'm fortunate enough to be self aware and knowledgeable about exactly what I need to do to win against these constant battles...

All of my blinds are open and the sunlight is shining bright all over my home. I'm drinking water infused with cucumber, mint, lemon, and orange, and I started my day with a walk and a healthy breakfast. Writing and sharing this with you on my blog is my favorite kind of therapy in dealing with my illness. I'm going to run errands today because I simply can't put them off any longer, and I know that doing so will help me feel better just by being in motion. And! I'm looking forward to spending time with my friends this weekend!

Okay, so I've typed it all out...now it's about getting up and doing these things! So there y'all go...a typical day of a person struggling with depression...let's see if I can do this! All of my readers with mental illnesses, today, just see if you can do something good for yourself; and as always, hugs and love, my lovelies!

Love,
Amy

(random photo of the day...of night time...but still good for the day too...yeah!)


Monday, January 26, 2015

Construction Zone of Thoughts

I'm still trying to get back in to my blogging groove...it has been more challenging this time compared to any time before when I've had long absences between posts. I'm sure y'all understand given the circumstances, but I've missed it, and it's actually a very important part of my life! But damn, I just can't seem to organize my thoughts every time I sit down to write...I guess I'm experiencing a writer's construction zone rather than a block. Yeah. That make sense! So, here's what I'll do; I'll try to navigate traffic! I'll share all the different kinds of lanes that are congested and backed up, and maybe at some point we'll get pass this stop and go movement of my thoughts. Are y'all staying with me here? Sheesh I hope so, 'cause I might just be confusing myself haha! Moving on...in no particular order...

Lane 8. Must lose weight.

Lane 1. Driving from Florida to Oklahoma and back again is the worst drive I've ever had to make. I think it would be better if I had someone traveling with me besides my fur baby, Kakashi, but otherwise, I hate it!

Lane 5. I should be updating my resume right now, but I'm blogging instead. I'll do that next.

Lane 11. Fun times in OK!!! New Years Eve Party with the Browns, moonshine shenanigans with Ana and Zach, karaoke at Bison Witches with Amanda, shots and drinks at Red Brick Bar with Beetle, homemade pizza and Cards Against Humanity with my buddies, Pub W with Des, and so much more not captured with photos!




 Lane 2. Worst timing ever: While driving through Dallas, I was feeling emotional leaving Oklahoma and my family support system. The song "The River" by Garth Brooks starts playing on the radio, and I started thinking about my Grandpa because this was one of his favorite songs my sister and I would sing. Then the worst thought occurs, "My grandparents are all gone. I have no grandparents now." Traffic, memories, and grief are a terrible combo...an emotional drain right off the bat on a long ride back to Florida! Sucky suck situation right there.

Lane 7. Lynch's Irish Pub right on the beach just down the road from me...LOVE! Legit Irish owners with Irish bartenders with Irish accents, super cool DJ, live bands, wonderful atmosphere, delicious tradition Irish food...let's just say HEAVEN for this Irish girl here!

Lane 3. An old friend was visiting family in Oklahoma (while I was still there) and met up with some mutual friends. However I wasn't supposed to know about it; read: I was being avoided. I never got a for sure reason why, but the possibility was that there may have been concern of jealousy from said friend's spouse. Check check check...public service announcement from Amy, The Ro Fo Sho, "I don't want your spouses! I have my own, thank you very much! There is no need to feel threatened or insecure about my friendships! I appreciate your consideration...peace out!" Yeah I might sound like a bitch, but that's not my intention...think indifference instead please haha!

Lane 6. I'm very very VERY happy to be back in Florida!!! It's warmer and sunnier here, and I'm grateful for the mood boost the nicer weather gives me. And I'm happy to be able to participate once again in the Iwo Jima's FRG...great support system! AND! So thrilled to have already spent some time with my pal, Elizabeth and tomorrow Karla! I love my Floridian girlfriends oh so much!

Lane 9. Loved the time I go to spend with family and friends in Oklahoma. I have the best friends a person could ask for! Michelle, Nicole, Amanda, Ana, Zach, Bryan, Andrew, Beetle, Zac Attack, Desirae, Jason, Christi, Ryan, Whitney, Angie, Christina, Pam & Ronnie, Laurel, Brenda, Jerry, Curtis, Uncle Bill, Debbie, Carlos, Donna, Daniel, Joyce, Charlie, Clayton, Jolie, Bekah, mama, daddy, and my nephew, Jack...y'all are my beloved Okies and I absolutely adored hearing from you and the time I got to spend with y'all! Loved meeting Amber and Matty too!




 Lane 4. Must find job ASAP!

Lane 10. My nephew became and IHop super fan...it was super awesome and super fun!





Oh my goodness there are so many lanes of traffic I could share...but, as construction zones often cause for travelers, I'm tired and ready to zoom on through this mess! I guess you could say I'm trying to find an alternative route! Thank you all for being patient with me as I continue to swerve between lanes in my attempt to find my way...also thank you for being patient with my abundance of metaphors and similes and other forms of comparisons and such and stuff and I'll shut up now...

I'll be back soon with updates on my depression, deployment tales, current events, rants, football, and much much more! Stay safe in life's construction zones, dear ones!

Hugs and love!
The Ro Fo Sho

Friday, January 16, 2015

"I don't want to go..."

Hello, dear ones! I wrote the following with pencil and paper, and I wanted to transcribe/share it with you this afternoon on The Ro Fo Sho. Part of it was written with structure and part of it was written freely as the thoughts flowed through me. I hope y'all enjoy my ramblings today!

I've sat down in front of my laptop several time with the intention of writing on my blog, but the words have not come to mind. I realize it's because of the noises and distractions in my parent's home; but I also feel like my mind, heart, and soul are filled and spilling over with thoughts, ideas, memories, and more! And so I'm overwhelmed by the excess and jumble and can't seem to organize them in a way that's enjoyable to write or read. But! When I pick up my notebook and a freshly sharpened pencil, rather than a screen and keyboard, there is a different kind of connection between all the ramblings in my head and my pencil to paper. Here I am on my parent's back deck (which was Grandma's for years), soaking up the sunshine and finally nice weather! The sky is almost clear and beautiful blue and the breeze is gentle and soothing with the occasional whoosh amidst the whispering between the branches and leaves that still cling to them. It is a genuine peacefulness here, and as I write I keep pausing just to enjoy this special kind of feeling...

I stopped, leaned my head back, and closed my eyes; I just listened to the sounds around me and relished the touch of the wind. I spoke out loud to Grandma. No need to share my words to her with anyone, but the experience is something to indulge in with writing. It feels so comfortable and natural to still talk to her; her voice remains clear in my  head and simply remembering how it felt to hug her is almost  a tangible feeling I can still cherish. The tears continue to spill in my quiet moments with Grandma in my thoughts, but they're more for missing instead of grieving. I have described it many times as an uncomfortable peace...I feel a relief that she is without pain and suffering, but her absence is very much an emptiness....the feelings kind of scrape against each other I guess you could say. I remember writing a while ago about needing more time, and how that's what everyone desires as any end approaches. Here's my "nerdyness" showing through, but I actually thought of one of my favorite TV shows Doctor Who (most favorite probably...honestly!). The tenth Doctor, played by David Tennant, has the opportunity to check in with companions and friends of his time before regenerating, and expresses over and over again, "I don't want to go."

The last time I saw Grandma, before those final moments, I hugged her again and again as I was saying goodbye, and I remember my last embrace with her. In my mind, with sorrow, I allowed the thought to form clearly, "This could be the last time I get to hug her." Following it was "I don't want to go."

On Sunday morning I start my drive back to my home in Florida. I've pushed this departure back a few times, and during this time outside with sunshine and wind, pencil and paper, I understand the difficulty in leaving. I don't want to go. I have the comfort of family...I don't want to go. I have the familiarity of my hometown...I don't want to go. I have memories here and all over this town and state with my grandma...I don't want to go! Grandma would say...

"Then don't!" and she would laugh.
"I wish, but I have to!" and I would pout.
"I know sweetie...but we know we'll see each other again soon!" she would respond with optimism; and we would hug one more time but with the comfort of knowing we had something to look forward to...

Grandma's spirit will be with me always and wherever I may go.

Let your minds, hearts and souls be open, dear ones.
Hugs and love, my lovelies!

Love,
Amy