Here comes the "doing."

Hi there, dear readers...it's been a minute...actually over a year long minute. Should I try and summarize the details of all that occurred during that time frame or start a new conversation? Let's go with a new conversation but with a run down on my current stats haha...

Amy, The Ro Fo Sho -

 * Still battling depression of course...it's simply a part of my life, always present. You've heard it from me countless times and it's the same deal - living through the ups and downs on the roller coaster ride of mental illness.

 * My art and creating have gradually lost momentum and I've been working on revving it back up. A year ago I wrote about getting ready to start selling my art and that never happened. Here I am today saying I'm working on making it happen again...hoping I succeed with my intentions this time.

 * The biggest update in my life is a new job!!! Much happier where I am and beyond thankful to not be in the chain store retail industry!

 * I'm also dating and enjoying my time with someone, but those details are not for sharing at this time.

So! What's the point in me attempting to write and share once more after such a long absence? 2 reasons:

1. Depression. The conversation is still going, but I've noticed some changes in how the topic is being shared and discussed. I feel the need to jump back in because I'm a little concerned with some of these changes. I don't know if "concerned" is even the right word...I'll try and better explain what I mean in the near future.

2. Art. I've been talking about it for too long...seriously...years. I have to stop talking and start doing. So here comes the doing...

This week and next (and maybe the following) I will be ordering some packaging materials for my original art. I will be organizing and pricing as well as researching the best process for getting prints available for purchase in addition to my original creations. Then, I will start sharing items for sale! Whoo hoo! No one has expressed any interest in buying my art, but that's ok...I will still try.

Thanks for sticking with me, lovelies.

Amy Ro Fo Sho

Three New Drawings and A Kakashi Dog Story

Hello, dear readers! Here are some things I've been thinking about:

* What is the appeal of watching "un-boxing" videos? I can understand when it comes to subscription type boxes where people may want an idea of the type of products they could be receiving. But when a person sits down with his or her purchases and starts a video like they're presenting some treasure to the world, I can't help but wonder, "Why?" Original art or a collector's item or something rare and unusual would be interesting. Sharing a new designer purse or an expensive piece of jewelry or brand name shoes feels like showing off in my opinion. To each their own I suppose. If you enjoy that sort of thing, power to ya!

* I mentioned in my last post an interest in dating again. A few days after I wrote that, I went on a date! It was fun and awesome and we clicked; I felt like there was hope in the universe again for women like me not wrapped up in this digital, impersonal, and self absorbed world we live in! But the date was too premature for him...he is still going through his divorce and it's too soon for him...I totally respect and understand that. Still. A big whomp whomp sad trumpet for me. I've been thinking about dating apps...something I felt strongly about avoiding...but I've been considering it now in an attempt to open my mind to all possibilities. Yay or nay?

* Pretty sure I'm about to jump into trying to sell my art. I'm not ready in that I don't have everything I need to operate like I want...such as mat boards and archival sleeves and such...but my finances are incredibly terrible with no relief in sight and I don't have time for piddly little here and there solutions soooo...it's time to go big or go home.......and hopefully don't end up even more broke. That's not grammatically correct is it? Flows better that way.

* Finding my new groove with my art finally. However, my new technique appears to be starting multiple drawings at once...we'll see how that goes...I'll share the current creations below in a sec.

* Kakashi was sick for a couple of days and I was a mess. I had a nightmare probably more than a year ago that I was walking him and he was lagging behind. It was completely unlike him and when he abruptly stopped and laid down, I immediately burst into tears knowing that something was terribly wrong. It broke my heart and even after waking I couldn't shake the loss; my then husband pretty much made fun of me for it; Kakashi was only ever a dog to him. Anyway! He started acting strangely a couple of evenings ago, and when I went to walk him for the last time that night, he was lagging behind and eventually stopped and laid down...just like in the bad dream. I got him up and back home and quickly started praying and crying...the crying turned into sobbing and the praying turned into pleading. This may sound overly dramatic, but I believe anyone who truly loves their pets like family will understand. A visit to the vet and some additions to his daily meals plus pain medicine has reset him and he's back to his happy self. I do believe there was some God work in there too...because it seemed much worse leaving the vet without any clear answers.

So! I'll leave y'all with the 3 drawings I have going and a little snapshot of Kakashi and me working on this blog entry...

Hugs and love, my lovelies!
The Ro Fo Sho

Depression, Divorce, Discovery

Why?! I can't go to sleep at night or nap during the day without thinking about all of the things I want to write about and how I would write about these things; and then I get in front of my computer screen, and all of the things simply vanish. Where are the things, brain?! This is frustrating. Maybe it's because I don't write as often as I should or make lists as compulsively as I once did; I don't know. Let's go with a bullet type list of sorts and see how it evolves.

* I am so broke. I haven't been this financially unstable in years. It's scary, and I don't see myself getting ahead of it for a very very...very long time.

* I want to share more about the end of my 11 years relationship (including 6 years married) with my ex husband. I desperately need closure or something.

* My ex husband stopped loving me and caring for me around the end of 2014, and recently I've been wondering if he just wasn't attracted to me anymore. That being said, will another man find me attractive in this new single life?

* Single life at 35 after the end of a more than decade long relationship is crazy. Men are weird. I have received more pictures of penises in the the last couple of months than I have in my whole life. And do people even date anymore?! I just want to go on freakin' flippin' date! I don't want to see erections at this stage of the single scene! Is that too much to ask for?

* I plan on writing more about this next chapter of my life under the title, "Depression, Divorce, Discovery."

Depression began altering my life more than 20 years ago and has been a continuous topic here in this little corner of the internet world since the beginning. Divorce has been the most recent life changing event of course which is challenging enough on it's own; but as a woman with mental illness, there were and sometimes still are several moments where I had and have wondered how on earth I will ever fully get on the other side of this event. Discovery. Talk about discovery holy moly! This is a brand new journey, dear readers, and I have so much more to share.

Hugs and love, my lovelies!

Still here,
The Ro Fo Sho

Express the Mess

I keep finding myself wanting to write and share and try to express the mess that's in my head. It feels as though there is too much junk, however, and I'm not sure where to start. So what follows may be a little bit of a free write I suppose...I guess we'll see how it goes.

I'm angry most of the time but mostly when I'm in bed ready to fall asleep for the night or sometimes during the day when I can catch a nap. Moving on since my divorce has been the most challenging thing in my life. I want to yell and scream at my ex husband and shake him and get him to say the things I feel like I need to hear for closure or validation or something! Damn it I'm not the only one who screwed up in our marriage...but I'm also the only one who ever tried fighting to make it work. I spent years asking him what I needed to do to make him love me and want me like he use to...I told him to be be honest and to let me go if it was what he wanted...I explained that it felt like he was pushing me away on purpose. He made me feel like I was crazy. And only now that it's over and I've witnessed how easily he has recovered and started living the life he stopped wanting to live with me, I realize that I wasn't crazy...I was right. He didn't want me anymore. I felt it in the stiff hugs he gave me and the quick emotionless kisses...his eyes would stay open and directed at the television screen. He laughed and smiled with his teeth and spent hours joyfully gaming while my jokes and silliness and attempts to be playful with him only earned me eye rolls, annoyance, and a dismissive attitude. If I haven't yet plainly said it, I'll say it now; yes, I cheated. I screwed up and I kept it a secret. I was drunk, sick, and lonely; and I wanted to feel wanted and I know those are only excuses and they don't and didn't mean anything when the truth was revealed. But lately I've been thinking of "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health..." I broke a vow...but so did he...and he did it over and over and over again. I kept trying to make our relationship work. When my faults were brought to light, however, I didn't have the energy to fight anymore. I had been fighting a losing battle even before my errors came into play. I guess I want him to admit that he broke my heart for years before I broke his. In the end, I lost friendships and family...I lost my husband who had remained my best friend even when I stopped being his. I'm wondering when I'll stop replaying all of this in my head...when will I run out of tears and when will I forgive my ex as well as myself.

He said he would help me after the divorce and that he understood it would be difficult for me to get back on my feet. I'm working so hard and not getting ahead; it's like a losing battle. So many people told me to ask for alimony and that I shouldn't trust that he would keep his word. I had faith in him and now I know I shouldn't have. He bought a house even though he was always telling me that it was something we wouldn't be able to do for years. He spends time away from the TV screen even thought it seemed to be the only thing that made him truly happy during our time together. You know, he even tried sushi after years and years of refusing to try it with me. More than one person admitted that he seemed depressed spending time with me and that he was a happier person after he decided to divorce me. I'm not sharing this to say it isn't fair; I'm happy for him...but I can't help but wonder...could we both have ended up happier if we had ended our relationship years before the heartache?

Thanks for listening.

Hugs and love, my lovelies.

Still surviving,
Amy

Divoce and what happens next...

Okay, dear readers, here comes the next chapter for The Ro Fo Sho! Long story short, my marriage of six and a half years has ended in divorce and I have moved back to Oklahoma. Out of respect for my ex-husband, I will not share the details of what happened except to say that we both failed each other, but that my failures were the ones that we could not recover from. It was an emotionally challenging time for a few months, and I have come a very long way. Over time I will share more about the grieving process for our relationship and how everything that took place affected my depression and was affected by my depression. I did end up in a mental health resource center for a couple of days, and it was an intense eye opening experience that will be very important for me to share about with you all in the future. I'm not sure who might read this, but I understand that I have lost other relationships in my divorce and I realize more people will inevitably exit from my life. Please know that I regret my actions which pushed my ex away and that I never meant to hurt anyone. In my defense, I know I was a good wife and I did the best I possibly could; I gave all of my love and all of my self and energy to try and make our marriage a success. In the end, I am completely confident in saying that I worked hard at our relationship and gave everything that I could. I hope that he and I can someday be friends, but who knows? He seems quite a bit happier without me, and I only wish the very best for him. I'm doing better myself, and I am optimistic for my future and this next chapter. Thank you to everyone who has stuck and will continue to stick with me...and apologies to anyone I let down. My hope is that all of us will continue to be civil, mature, and respectful towards one another. The only way to go from here is forward.

Hugs and love, my lovelies!

Still here,
Amy

"Night Sky"

by Amy

The Ro Fo Sho Art and Photography

Multi Part Story of The Ro Fo Sho Part 1

Yesterday sucked. My mama shared some concerning news from home and I had to work at my normal person job. I'll write more about the family worries at another time when I have more information. Normal person job needs no other mention.

Today I would like to get some photos taken of my new art and organize it all...ones I want to share/sell, ones I want to keep, ones I have no idea if anyone will like except for me...that type of organization. I need to have a day where I focus on the business side of The Ro Fo Sho Art and Photography. My friend, Stephany, took me out for lunch the other afternoon and I was telling her how I wish I could just focus on the creative process and have someone else manage the practical side, and she said she would love to do that for me someday! In truth, I've been imagining her as a business partner for some time now, so the idea sounds great to me! It will take some time to get to that point I'm afraid...a few have shown interest in my art, but I have no idea yet how well it will be received once it's really out there for all the world to see...which brings me to my next point...

I've loved art since I was a little girl...I can't remember a time when I wasn't drawing. My very first dream was to be an artist, but, as I've said before, I also realized at a young age that it wasn't exactly a guaranteed paycheck. Yes, I know children aren't necessarily supposed to worry about such matters, but I was different dang it. That is all I will say about that for now. Moving on! Art simply stayed a hobby for years and years. I didn't take the advanced classes in school and I never did perfect any skills. I watched and admired my friends progression and the creations they produced; they wouldn't even call me an artist! They were extremely talented in my eyes, so it never occurred to me that I might someday have a place in the art world.

In college I started developing my own style. It began here...

I grabbed my sketch book and oil pastels and started scribbling...I call this one "The Beginning," because it was the very first time I let my emotions direct the drawing...I let the images in my head fall to the paper as naturally as they possibly could. This was done in 2002 I believe...holy crap...15 years ago!

Unfortunately, my train of thought will have to take a pause for a bit...normal person job...ugh...had to mention it again. This may turn into a multi part story, dear readers, so please stay tuned...

Before I sign off, here's a selfie as I've composed this for you lovely people:

The internet world seems to respond better to selfies. Yes, there may be banana nut bread in my teeth.

Have a great Friday, y'all! I'll be doing the normal person job all weekend and try and continue this train of thought whenever I can!

Hugs and love, my lovelies!

Ro Fo Sho out!
Amy

Singing with The Judds Instead of Cleaning House...

My favorite days start with my record player, coffee or tea, and sunshine...days where I don't have to be at work until later and I can be lazy and thoughtful in the quiet time when my husband is at work (he has a loud but lovable presence, y'all). I need to be more productive during this time, however, and that's not always the case. I'll usually tidy a bit around the house, but the housewife thing is really not one of my strengths. My ideal productivity would include writing and creating! But...here I've sat for a good ten minutes or so after writing that last sentence just singing along with The Judds on vinyl and snapping photos with my phone to share in this little corner of the internet world! So! Now I need to walk my dog and start getting ready for work, y'all! But first!

Depression update: I'm taking 40 mg of Prozac every morning, and that's it. I stopped taking the Buspar mainly because I can't eat grapefruit while taking it; and that's not working for me anymore; I miss my grapefruit, people!!! The days are up and down as usual, but I've been getting more sunshine, and that makes an enormous different in my mood! My primary thought with regards to mental health is that sometimes the medicines and the therapy simply don't work anymore, and the best way to start feeling better is to just be sick of it...flex those brain muscles and fight around those chemical imbalances and or deficiencies...seriously...adopt the "fuck this shit" attitude! Granted it has taken me 20 years to get here, but maybe if I talk more about it, it won't take so long for others to start improving. And you know what? Over the past couple of years I've started seeing more and more people talking openly about their struggles with mental health, and obviously I think this is incredibly important. My message for a long time has been, "keep the conversation going!" The hashtag is #stigmafree and I love it!

Dang it! I'm on a cognitive roll and want to keep going, but my dog and getting ready for work are on a time limit now. Damn.

Anyway! I have some art to share, but it will have to wait. Hope everyone has a great week!

Hugs and love, my lovelies!

Singing all the time!
Amy

Off

Word of the day (blogging from my cell phone) before attempting to sleep: off. My third day away from work before I return tomorrow and it did not go as planned...I was very simply...off.

Couldn't clean and organize like I had visualized. Couldn't muster the energy to cook any meals. Couldn't move very far from the couch. Now I'm here in bed and feeling the failure of a wasted day.

Off.

This is the reality of a life with mental illness such as mine with clinical depression. I can identify it, acknowledge it, give it the middle finger, and hope for a better tomorrow...sometimes that is all that can be done.

And so I leave you with some art from the previous two days that were wonderful and lovely (the days were wonderful and lovely that is; maybe not the art). The last photo was of a drawing made with light heartedness in mind but can be interpreted as quite applicable for this post as well I must say haha!

(Note: I haven't figured out how to size photos from the Blogger App on my phone so I apologize if they are annoyingly large.)

Hugs and love, my lovelies!

Off
Ro Fo Sho

Congnitive Streaming

There is this constant narrative running in my mind; and I try to have pencil and paper handy at all times, but I don't always have the opportunity to take them out and write my thoughts down. And then I'm sitting here in front of my computer screen with all this shit running through my head and I want to get it all out, and it's freakin' jammed. So I go back over what I wrote and I try to keep the thought going and it comes out disjointed and the backspace button becomes the most popular option. Let's hear it for run on sentences and the word "and!" Jeez.

I made some brunch, started some laundry, brewed some tea, greeted my husband just home from work, and put on some Miles Davis Pandora radio......here I sit once again trying to recall exactly what it is I intended to pluck from my cognitive streaming...

Depression? Art? Dreams? Music? All of it really.

Here is something for now, I suppose...I don't write as often as I should and I haven't been sharing anything about The Ro Fo Sho Art and Photography or how my life with clinical depression as been going. Let's just keep it short and simple...I'm still here, still Ro Fo Sho'in, still creating. The sunshine has been the very best medicine, and I've been spending most of my time outside on my screened in patio, so this is where I will leave y'all for now. Here are some pictures of my outdoor therapy experience...

 

I will hopefully be back a few more times today in between times when I'm trying to be a good housewife and not the hippie chick I fear my husband doesn't like so much ha! 

Hugs and love, my lovelies,

Peace

Amy Ro Fo Sho

Can't Keep Me Down

Oh dear, almost 4 months since I wrote last...I'm so terribly sorry! Jeez I need to be better at this! Well, last I wrote, I shared that I was feeling a slip in my depression and hoping that it wasn't going to evolve into a an all out down slide on the roller coaster. Unfortunately this is indeed what happened. First things first...dear reader, please don't share any of the following with my mama...seriously! She will be so worried and she has enough to deal with right now...I will discuss all of this with her eventually, but I don't want to talk about it over the phone with her; I appreciate your cooperation. Moving on!

Allow me to summarize this progression in bullet form:

* Started feeling the slip 4 months ago
* Felt like medicine wasn't helping enough
* Tried finding a psychiatrist with no luck
* Missed appointment in October
* Ran out of medicine in October (repeat: DO NOT TELL MY MAMA!)
* Symptoms of depression became worse and worse
* Basically had a break down and ended up in the ER the other day
* ER docs gave me some medicine
* Appointment on Wednesday

Good times. My break down happened at work in front of my coworkers by the way...yeah...good times. Ugh. Luckily, my manager was very understanding and knew from personal experience what I was going through...she actually went to the ER with me and was very supportive. My coworkers have been incredibly supportive and encouraging, and I am beyond grateful for that! My manager immediately began trying to cover my shifts, but I told her not to and that I needed to work. I went back to work the next day...eyes still puffy from excessive crying and visibly tired from the emotional toll, but I showed up and I did my job.

So I'll keep this short and simple. I live with depression and anxiety, and it's a bitch...no lie. I got knocked down on my ass and kicked in the ribs. But you better believe I'm stronger and more determined and this darkness will not dim my light. I'm going to keep on Ro Fo Sho-in'!

Still here, dear readers...hugs and love, my lovelies,
Amy...The Ro Fo Sho

"When in doubt, take a nap."

Y'all know how depression goes...ups and downs...it's a constant motion. My up time has lasted so long this round; one of the longest periods of time where I have genuinely felt GOOD! I have been feeling a little slip these last few days, but I'm staying hopeful that it's not necessarily an impending down slide. It's probably a combination of things...allow me to list them please:

1. I miss my family terribly.
2. I miss my friends terribly.
3. I'm working more hours.
4. I'm trying to be the best wife.
5. I'm trying to be a best friend.
6. I'm stressing over finances.
7. I'm stressing over The Ro Fo Sho Art and Photography.
8. I'm about to start my period (sorry male readers).

I THINK I'M SIMPLY OVERWHELMED! I've loaded up my plate with goals and ambitions, and I've set my bar high, and I'm already fearing failure. Failure. There's that trigger! Anyway! Y'all don't need to worry about me; I'll be fine. It's important for me to share that not every day is sunshine and roses...we must keep pushing forward.

I feel stuck with my art business...I don't know how to price my pieces, how to package them nicely for presentation and archival purposes, how to get the best reproductions made...I don't know how to do any of this. It will take time and I need to be patient and keep researching...I know this...but I'm really so damn impatient! Agh! Sigh...it's going to be okay.

For now I'll leave you with one of my favorite A Beautiful Mess Happy Mail pieces and a quick Prisma Color Nupastel drawing from a few nights ago called, "The Blue Lady."

There it is, dear readers...just feeling a little blue these days...and ready for a nap! Happy Tuesday!

Hugs and love, my lovelies,
The Ro Fo Sho

Space for My Dreams

My surroundings are very important to my creative process...comfort and noise control are essential. I have trouble focusing these days in my old age (haha), and so I'm easily distracted. Plus, my head is constantly overflowing with ideas, and it can be challenging for me to sort them all out. A lot of times y'all won't see me on the blog for a while because I'll be sitting in front of my screen typing and backspacing over and over unable to write anything that makes sense. For the past five and a half years I've had plenty of alone time, distraction free...my husband (Tom) was away doing Navy Sailor business more often than he was home. My dining room was my work space of sorts with my nice big table that served as a kind of mini office/art studio. These days my husband is home pretty much all the time now...shore duty in the Navy life doesn't take him away as much, and I'm truly grateful for that. However, I no longer had my own space for creating. You see, my beloved does not have a man cave; the living room is his zone...he's a gamer...and the living room shares an open space with the dining room. My handsome gamer does the online thing where he's playing with people all over the country and they're all talking to each other on headsets...being loud and talking shit to each other...being boys...it's very distracting...totally disrupts my concentration. I love it though; I love how much happier Tom is these days, and our relationship has improved greatly this last year. But, back to the story! We have an extra room, but we've had roommates since we've lived in Florida; they were a much appreciated big help to us financially! Now we are trying it on our own; no more roommates; and an extra room...all for me!!! The Ro Fo Sho Art and Photography officially has its own space...and it's time for me to get back to work, dear readers. Today I will be taking photos of all my original pieces with my DSLR camera, and I will be researching the best way to get prints made. My goal is to start offering originals and prints for purchase by the end of this month. Then I will focus on organizing my photography. I should probably add some "To Do" lists to my "To Do" list haha! Anyway! I'm going to try and take and share a little video of my new space...there is still work to be done as far as more organization as well as decor for inspiration...but I already love it in here...I will grow my business from here. As always, thanks for sticking with me, dear readers, and hugs and love, my lovelies.

Love,
The Ro Fo Sho

Also, please follow me on Instagram at Instagram.com/amyrofosho and like my Facebook page facebook.com/amyrofosho...please :) And always feel free to email me if you have questions or need to talk to someone about depression; remember, this little corner of the internet is where I share my art and my life with mental illness - amyrofosho@gmail.com

Travel Sized Art

I've been writing and creating and dreaming and thinking and planning...my mind is overflowing with ideas and dreams and hopes...and I'm absolutely terrible at getting it all neat and organized. I use to be a champ at making lists...how did I lose this ability? I have no idea, but I hope to reclaim it. Or maybe someday I'll have a personal assistant! Ha! Anyway! My depression has been under control for a good little while now...I still have the down days; but it feels like forever since my last long slump, and I'm grateful for this time. Those of us who live with mental illnesses never know how long the good or the bad might go on. It seems we get sadder and sadder when we're down at the bottom and it feels like we'll never get out. But then there's a kind of anxiety and panic during the good times wondering how long it might last. It's a crazy roller coaster ride; y'all have heard me say that time and time again...I'd link previous posts but I don't feel like it, so I suggest searching if you're interested. This is what I try and tell myself every time: When I'm down, I keep pushing through knowing that it can't last forever. When I'm up, I push the anxiety to the side, and I try to live in the moment and enjoy and relish every drop of that delicious goodness. Down or up...I keep on Ro Fo Sho'in'!

Today, I will be working on bookmarks, and then I'm going to laminate them at work, and then I'm going to sell them! How much would you pay for a one of kind hand made piece of art you can take with you wherever? Travel sized art sounds fun to me! Let me know, dear readers :)

 

This is my dining room table most of the time...completely covered in The Ro Fo Sho Art and Photography shenanigans haha! This is actually a tamed version; composed for a decent photo! Up at the top you'll see some rainbow strips, and those are some simple bookmark ideas I've been working on. I should give myself a deadline for when I need to have my art available to purchase...I can't wait to (hopefully) start spreading it all over the world...awww...I'm in day dreaming mode now, dear ones...time to wrap up.

Keep on Ro Fo Sho'in', my friends and hugs and love, my lovelies!

Love,

Amy

Fangirl Shout Outs!

I've discovered some favorite writers and artists on Instagram whom I've either already made purchases from or look forward to future buys! They have grown quite a fan base from Instagram, and some are active in multiple social media outlets. I wish I was as consistent in my online activity! Maybe someday...ha! Anyway! Let me introduce y'all to some of them...Again...these are their Instagram usernames...oh and I'll link their Etsy accounts and shops!

Absolutely cannot wait to purchase some art from @mackill (link via the computer)!!! How will I decide?! Etsy link

@j.raymond (link via the computer) was my first writer discovery, and I suppose I've been obsessed for more than a year now. I bought his first publication "Spades" when he first launched it, and now I have a signed 2nd edition copy on the way plus "Let Her Run." Super excited! Straight talk, honesty, tells it like it is, gritty and raw and sexy writing right here, dear readers! Etsy link

@j.r.rogue (link via the computer) and @kat.savage (link via the computer) were practically discovered at the same time because they support and promote one another and are friends in real life! I think that's fabulous :) I find these two women very inspiring, and I know that they are going to make a difference in so many lives. Kat's Etsy Link and J.R.Rogue's Shop Link

Can't wait for these to get here! I've already started a collection with J.R.Rogue and have been greatly enjoying these reads:

So, there you have it, dear readers; the creative minds I'm being the fangirl over right now haha! I hope The Ro Fo Sho Art and Photography becomes as successful as these artists have been. But you know...if not...at least I'm enjoying what I'm doing and loving the encouragement and support that I have received. My art lifts me up, and that is really the most important thing, right?

One more shout out, my friends! Another love of mine is music! It influences my art and writing greatly! Local and live music is a treat, and I've definitely missed The Deli in Norman Oklahoma and the talent I always enjoyed there! Sorry for the excessive exclamation marks...it's just exciting, people!!! Anywho! The Band Be Easy is a Florida favorite, and I demand you check them out...that's right...demand!

Okie dokie, my friends, today is my day off and I want to go soak up some sunshine at the pool, so this is all for now. Happy Hump Day and hugs and love, my lovelies!

Fangirl,
Amy

Bruises and Pauses

The following is something I wrote the other night when I was away from my computer, pencil, and paper...okay so I was at work...and yeah I'm not supposed to work on personal stuff at work...but I had the urge to write, and it was slow, and I was still taking care of customers, and it didn't hinder my efficiency in any way. So there. Here it is:

I’ve started promoting my art via a Facebook fan page, and the support from so many friends and family has been incredibly wonderful! The encouragement to keep pursuing my dream of sharing my art with the world, is appreciated beyond measure. I’m still researching on the best ways to go about getting my business legitimately up and running, so it’s going to be a process; but after years and years of simply talking about it, I’m actually doing something…finally! The ball is officially in motion haha! I’ve been wondering how much (if at all) I should separate my personal life with my art life. I’d like to make a decent living from my art someday, but how much of my life do I share along the way? One thing that is clear and something that will always be a part of this aspect of my life is my journey with clinical depression. As passionate as I am about creating and writing, I’m just as passionate about the discussion of mental illness. I feel like there are several of our voices out here, but we’re still not being heard loudly enough. And we all know that our mental health is a daily thing…not an every now and then kind of thing. So there’s my answer. Every day of my life is affected by depression and anxiety; sometimes it affects my art and sometimes it doesn’t…but it’s all part of the same story. I’m going to share a chalk pastel I completed Thursday night. My direction and vision for it changed and evolved as I went along, and my final thoughts on it were with consideration to mental illness. The center of the image became a representation of the semicolon. Are you all familiar with the movement? I’ll get a link for you all…here! I really love that we can all find a meaning in a simple form of punctuation. I won’t always go so in depth with the things I create; I want the viewer to figure out how they feel and what it means to them on their own. This one, however, is very clearly my idea (one of them anyway) of depression. It’s a bruise and a mark that no one can see, but just as the semicolon implies, all it can really do is cause pauses throughout our lives. My dream of being an artist has been paused several times these last 33 years, but I’m hopeful for longer periods of time without the pauses.

 (title in the works, chalk pastel by Amy Ro Fo Sho)

 I haven't settled on a title; it will be something like "An Invisible Bruise" or "Bruising Pause." Suggestions always welcome, dear readers!

Stay hopeful even during the pauses, and hugs and love, my lovelies!

In motion,

Amy

"Rainbows On Her Soles"

Well, helloooooo! (Please tell me some of you read that in a Mrs. Doubtfire voice?!) Jeez Louise it's been about 3 and a half months...holy moly! Sorry again for abandoning this little corner of the internet...for the zillionth time...ugh. But, hey! It's going to get better! Let me tell you why. So, after my last entry (An Angry Side to Depression), my struggles kind of...ummm morphed and thinned and bubbled up and over...I was basically all over the place emotionally. Stressed from my new job, still feeling anger and resentment, drained and dragging through every day. It was the first week in May when I just lost it for a few days. Truth be told, I screwed up with some of my prescriptions...as in I called them in and didn't pick them up on time...and my anxiety got a strong hold of me...like a vice around my soul and my heart...squeezing me to the point where it hurt to breathe and the tears came in floods completely uncontrolled. Depression and anxiety can make you feel crazy, and I tell y'all what, I was feeling like the craziest of crazies! I missed 3 days of work and I slept and slept and slept. I've said it before and I'll say it again...we don't always have to fight it...we are allowed to be weak...it's okay to keep the blinds and our eyes closed sometimes. But, again, like I also always say, we can't stay there very long or it can overwhelm us. So, I got my medicine and I got myself to work and I listened to my music and I created my art and I put my fists back up in the air on guard ready to fight the shadow again...and I've been fighting, my friends. I've been "Ro Fo Sho-ing!" that asshole darkness what's up and who's boss! Hell yeah! I'm going to try and make that a phrase for all of us living with mental illness..."Ro Fo Sho" with me, y'all...meaning keep fighting and don't ever give up...keep on "Ro Fo Sho-ing!" I think I'll make t-shirts haha! So! When I first created this blog, it was supposed to to be about my life with depression but also about my art...because my art comes from my life...and it's my therapy too...and like my story, I want to share my art with the world. Get ready... The Ro Fo Sho Art & Photography is officially on it's way...more details to come. And thanks for sticking with me, dear readers!

Hugs and love, my lovelies, and keep on Ro Fo Sho-ing!

Love and Peace,
The Ro Fo Sho

"Rainbows On Her Soles"

by Amy

(lyrics from Beth Hart's "By Her")

An Angry Side to Depression

Time to confess all of my recent struggles with my depression, dear readers. My medicine wasn't working anymore, and when I ran out, although I put the refill request in, I couldn't bring myself to go and pick them up. Basic living and functioning have become more and more challenging. Anxiety and depression typically go hand in hand, but I never really had problems with it until this last year and a half really...and it's gotten worse and worse, I'm afraid. During these last six months or so, I've developed problems with focusing and concentrating as well. I start projects, chores, or tasks, and I can't finish them...I look around at the mess and chaos and I get overwhelmed. Mindless tasks become my only comfort, but even then, I'm still fidgeting...watching TV while playing a game on my cell phone and rolling silly putty around in my other hand...rewinding the show time and time again because I missed something!

I quit my job. I couldn't handle it. The noise and fast pace just about drove me crazy. And again, I couldn't focus...I can't even tell you how many wine glasses I broke. Normally I can leave my personal problems at the door when I'm on the clock, but I really couldn't keep it together...smiling alone made me want to cry with all the energy it took to fake it. I've found another job, and I start tomorrow...it will be quieter and more easy going I think...I hope...

I've unraveled before in my fight with mental illness. I believe every single one of us will at several points during our journeys. Some times are harder than others...this one has been. It has been one of those times where I have felt extremely alone. Now I know that I'm not...I am blessed with support and encouragement from friends and family from all over! Sometimes that long distance love just isn't enough. And sometimes the people who are physically closest to me can't seem to deal with me during my worst times...I can sense their annoyance and irritation, their lack of understanding and or compassion. Then again, that could be the darkness casting its shadows and distorting reality.

Whatever the case may be, I have recently had thoughts I've rarely had before. Normally, I would never wish my internal war and demons on anyone else! This period of time, however, has stirred up an emotion I avidly try to avoid. Anger. Attitudes toward me have felt dismissive and uncaring...like I've become exhaustive and a burden to be around. Usually I can deal with it...not lately. I have been experiencing resentment towards the people who seem to lack any ounce of empathy. I've been wishing my pain on them...wishing they could walk in my shoes for a while and feel the everything and nothing that I feel! I hate thinking this way, I really do. I wrote a poem about it...I'll share it with you all later. Right now...I don't know what else I can say on this topic. I'm angry, but I know my thoughts are unfair and terrible...I wish it, but I don't...it breaks my heart knowing that millions of us suffer. I wish it, but I don't...no one needs to feel this way.

When I saw my doctor a few days ago, I simply lost it...I couldn't explain anything at all without an endless stream of tears. So here's the newest battle plan! I'll be taking 40mg of Prozac with the addition of 10mg of Buspar, and I will be starting therapy up again soon. The therapy will probably help the most since I'm obviously experiencing more emotions and problems at one time than I have ever had before! Talking with you all has always been a kind of therapy for me, but there are things I can't say here...things that are too personal, you know? I hold back really, and I think that's important for you all to know. I believe in keeping the discussion for mental illness open and honest...our voices need to be heard! But our battles tend to involve details that aren't meant for all of the internet world. For example, I don't want to talk so openly about individuals or relationships which are a part of my story because that could potentially involve other stories that aren't mine to share. You know what I'm saying? I try and share as much as I can, I promise!

Anyway! I'm going to wrap this up, my friends. I'll share that poem with you all soon! Just checking in like I do and giving you all the latest update on my depression. I hope everyone has a great week!

Hugs and love, my lovelies!
Amy