My grandma is dying. Worst sentence I've ever typed, worst thought, worst feeling, worst everything. I'm having trouble writing this; I don't know what exactly to say...I feel so...numb. But I can still sense the overwhelming sadness and well of tears just waiting behind the numbness...the weight of it is pushing against my current somewhat dazed state of mind, and I'm voluntarily fighting it back. I'm not ready for the flood that is waiting to spring. I'm not ready for my life to be without my grandma...
Right now I need to be grateful that she is still here; no grieving yet. I want to remember the abundance of wonderful memories I have with her. I've been typing and backspacing for the last five minutes or so...everything I want to say is sounding like a tribute. She deserves that, of course, but writing it out right now feels too final for me...and too hard in my frozen thoughts. So! Time to walk away from this topic for now; I'm clearly not ready for it! But I do want to share the videos I'm so fortunate to have from my last visit home.
These videos were recorded in April 2014 shortly after a stay in the hospital due to breathing problems. She was not doing well at this time (not as badly as she is now), but I was upset with worry! So I told work I had to go whether they liked it or not (they were understanding), and I was in the car and on my way in just a couple of days! I spent almost a month with her doing little things like getting her coffee pot ready for the next morning to helping her bathe. Before I left, I cried to my mama and sister and told them that she needs constant care and asked if they could please promise me that they would take over what I had been doing. They hugged me and assured me they would, and I'm so grateful to my sister for taking over that role. It's the most emotionally awful feeling in the world being 1,400 miles away from my grandma. I'm eager to be home and near her again, but at the same time, I know it may be my last moments with her. But again, for right now, she is still here, and I can still talk to her! And I have these videos...I hope y'all enjoy! I included the video I shared before for those who may want to watch it again.
Cherish your loved ones, dearies! Hugs and love, my lovelies!
A loving granddaughter,