December 3rd

The days leading up to Thanksgiving and the days that followed were extremely emotional ones...the holidays alone are always a more sensitive time for me, but this year has been the most challenging. A year ago, these were the days the cancer was taking over my grandma, the days she decided she didn't want to fight it anymore...the days I was trying to figure out how to get home to her. I was blessed by so many through Go Fund Me...something my sister set up to get our car fixed...those donors were my guardian angels. My husband was just days away from deploying, so I was struggling with wanting to spend as much time with him and wanting to make my way to Oklahoma. We were told that grandma had a few months left at least...but looking back now, I truly believe that Grandma was going to go when she wanted to go. Grandma was like that...when she got an idea in her head or started a project or task, she was full steam ahead...get it done now now now! I wish I had realized this on my drive to Oklahoma...instead I was angry at her for giving up the treatment. I was on the phone with my sister the day I started my trip, and Grandma shouted in the background for me to hurry...I snapped back to my sister, "What? Does she plan on dying as soon as I say hello?!" I was so frustrated and determined to change her mind to keep fighting when I arrived. I should have known. She and I were always going back and forth; she'd say, "Listen to grandma," and I would say, "I was right, wasn't I, grandma?" We'd smile and tease each other...our bantering was always full of love...sometimes I would say, "Ok, grandma, I should have listened to you," and sometimes she would say, "Yes, Amy, you were right." You can read about my last few moments with her in this post. It's been a year, but to read and relive it again feels like fresh grief. She did what I had snapped about though...Grandma and I only had a few moments together before she passed...

Yesterday was a year since her funeral. None of us were able to speak about her then...our grief and sorrow were too much. The pain and ache of losing her will always be a part of me...but now I can say the things I wish I had said then. Grandma was tough and stubborn...she could be hard and abrupt and downright bitchy! Hey, all of the women in our family can be bitchy haha...no judgement! She was smart and quick and feisty...she could get under a car with grandpa to help work on it, and she could make homemade noodles and cherry pies. She'd tear down a wall if she wanted and she'd cry telling stories about her sisters. She was an artist and incredibly talented with oil paints; she used to draw paper dolls for us when we were little. Grandma was loving and giving...she was brave and determined. We laughed a lot and and had so many inside jokes :) She loved her family. She was another mother to me, a teacher, and an inspiration. I miss talking (and complaining about) OU football with her...her voice and her hugs...going out to eat together...just...everything...

I brought one of her shirts home with me when I left Oklahoma, and I often hold it close and imagine hugging her. I've got it downstairs draped over the couch right now...she feels close :) I still speak aloud to her and even sing her favorite songs now and then...

I've been back to work recently, and I was able to write this without totally losing myself into a sobbing mess. I'm going to watch (and share) a video of her soon where she's teaching us how to make her noodles, and I plan on attempting that cooking adventure! I will always have tears for Grandma and I will always feel heart ache for her absence...but one thing I know for certain...she is always with me and I can feel her in my heart!

Special shout out to my friend, Stephany, for bringing me food and a sweet card on the 3rd, and for looking out for me during these past couple of weeks; it has meant so much, my friend. Treasure your family and friends, dear readers...don't ever take them for granted!

Hugs and love, my lovelies!
Amy

"Ok, Grandma..."

I drove from Jacksonville, Florida to Norman, Oklahoma to see my grandma. It was one of the worst drives I've ever experienced! I hadn't even gone 40 miles before I was completely stopped in traffic for a good 2 hours. The panhandle of Florida seemed to go on and on forever, and I felt like I was in the twilight zone driving and driving and getting no where. Alabama and Mississippi were quick states to drive through and so I felt a wave of relief and a new burst of energy! Louisiana took so long to drive through...only 55 miles per hour speed limit most of the state, no gas stations for hours it seemed, and no sign of civilization for miles...it was another twilight zone kind of feeling. By the time I was ready to stop for the night, it was another long stretch of nothing before finally arriving in an actual town and getting a room. But as exhausted as I was I just couldn't get to sleep, and 5 hours later I was back on the road. The Dallas/Ft. Worth area was a complete and total nightmare! Normally, coming home to see my family is an exciting and happy time. But the closer I got the sadder I got...I knew I was on my way to say goodbye, and my heart was crumbling.

I finally got to my grandma's place and knelt beside her recliner. The nurse had just given her morphine and she was slumped forward with her head hanging. I held her hand and started talking to her about my drive, and I told her that I had been missing her...told her I loved her. I told her that Dallas was a shit show, and I tried to be funny about the morphine making her drowsy. She opened her eyes for a moment, and I believe that was when she realized I was there beside her, and she closed them and breathed out like a sigh of relief. I was about to suggest reclining her chair so that she could maybe feel more comfortable, but in just a few ticks of time she opened her eyes and her soul left her earthly body while I was still holding her hand. The nurse checked her pulse and listened for a heartbeat before turning to us and saying, "she's gone." I stood and stared in disbelief with my hands over my mouth and the tears rising, pooling, and spilling from my eyes...I walked away so my mama and her sisters could be next to her. And I knelt and sobbed saying "no, no, no, no" over and over..."no, no, no, no..." I went outside and fell to my knees again with my eyes toward the sky praying to God, "please take care of my grandma and please help us to feel peace knowing that she's at peace."

Time slowed so much it felt like it wasn't even moving...it felt like hours just sitting and crying and praying in grandma's apartment...her body leaned back in the chair like she was only sleeping. Everyone left and my sister and I stepped outside when the people came to take her...

She looked more alive and well lying there in her casket than she did in those last few weeks of  her life. My only thoughts were that she should just wake up...she's going to open her eyes...she's only sleeping. At the family visitation time, at the funeral, and all the way up until they closed her casket for the very last time, I kept thinking that she should just wake up...just wake up, Grandma...

I stayed in the townhouse where she and Zac lived until the end of December. I wrapped gifts and spoke aloud to her...I even sang to her...I talked to her and made comments about everyday things. Every time I came down the stairs in the morning, my heart sunk not seeing her in the recliner drinking her coffee. Every time I walked through the front door, I'd feel disappointment that she wasn't there waiting. A picture of the two of us is on my locked screen of my cell phone, so I've seen her face every day. I've gone more than a week and sometimes longer without feeling the loss, and then at the most random times it washes over me and I am overwhelmed with my grief. She is gone. But it still feels like she is here. And so it is a constant feeling of confusion, denial, and let down. I miss my grandma.

I started writing this a couple of weeks or so ago. I had more to say when I began. I still want to share more about my grandma, traits and quirks not everyone may know...the different sides of her I feel so blessed to have known. She was an incredible person...more remarkable than I think most people realized! I could write it all out now, like a tribute...but the thought alone is a wrench to my heart and soul! Instead I will share all that made up my grandma in pieces here and there...how who she was and what she taught me and what I learned from observation of her has affected and will continue to affect my life.

What I've learned, observed, and known about my grandma will be shared in no particular order...I couldn't even begin to organize them all chronologically! So...Grandma's first lesson: toughen up! There is much to be elaborated on about it, but for now and in this moment, this is what I know. Grandma would tell me to be stronger now. She would understand the loss I feel, but from her practical point of view she would advise me to start thinking about the future. Time to think about driving back to Florida; time to work on your resume and have it ready for the job hunt; time to get back to your daily routines. She would say, "Listen to Grandma!" and I would very stubbornly reply, "OK, Grandma!"

Time to toughen up. Okay, grandma...

Thank you for the patience in my absence dear ones, and as always,
Hugs and love, my lovelies!
Amy

Flowers for Grandma

My Grandma's Stories

My grandma is dying. Worst sentence I've ever typed, worst thought, worst feeling, worst everything. I'm having trouble writing this; I don't know what exactly to say...I feel so...numb. But I can still sense the overwhelming sadness and well of tears just waiting behind the numbness...the weight of it is pushing against my current somewhat dazed state of mind, and I'm voluntarily fighting it back. I'm not ready for the flood that is waiting to spring. I'm not ready for my life to be without my grandma...

Right now I need to be grateful that she is still here; no grieving yet. I want to remember the abundance of wonderful memories I have with her. I've been typing and backspacing for the last five minutes or so...everything I want to say is sounding like a tribute. She deserves that, of course, but writing it out right now feels too final for me...and too hard in my frozen thoughts. So! Time to walk away from this topic for now; I'm clearly not ready for it! But I do want to share the videos I'm so fortunate to have from my last visit home.

These videos were recorded in April 2014 shortly after a stay in the hospital due to breathing problems. She was not doing well at this time (not as badly as she is now), but I was upset with worry! So I told work I had to go whether they liked it or not (they were understanding), and I was in the car and on my way in just a couple of days! I spent almost a month with her doing little things like getting her coffee pot ready for the next morning to helping her bathe. Before I left, I cried to my mama and sister and told them that she needs constant care and asked if they could please promise me that they would take over what I had been doing. They hugged me and assured me they would, and I'm so grateful to my sister for taking over that role. It's the most emotionally awful feeling in the world being 1,400 miles away from my grandma. I'm eager to be home and near her again, but at the same time, I know it may be my last moments with her. But again, for right now, she is still here, and I can still talk to her! And I have these videos...I hope y'all enjoy! I included the video I shared before for those who may want to watch it again.

Cherish your loved ones, dearies! Hugs and love, my lovelies!

A loving granddaughter,
Amy