Friday, October 28, 2011

"A Warped Nature"

"A Warped Nature"

i did this oil pastel drawing back in 2003...a lot of my art that i'll be sharing is from 2003 or recently. 8 years between these periods of art explosions. however, i believe that the occasional distance i often found from my art in the past will no longer be an issue. the reason is simple really...2003 was the year my life started taking a dramatic turn...between then and the past year or so, i had some major downs and moments of just being messed up. i'm good now...stable anyway...ahem...mostly:) like i've said before, art has been a part of my life since before i can remember, but i've just recently accepted that it doesn't have to just be a hobby...i can actually do something with this. it's what makes me happy:) the key to happiness is doing what makes you it is! (that's a lot of happy lol) now i wanna do it all the time! art art art!!! drawing, painting, photography, and writing:)

so i don't remember where my mind was when this was created. i went with "a warped nature" because of the bent tree and drain like motion to the image. i have several sketches that never made it to actual completed drawings that are of a drain like concept. maybe i was thinkin' along the lines of how sometimes life feels like it's going down the drain...or sometimes all the good just seems to wash away...i suppose the obvious stuff you could say. i know i've done the drain thing with the idea that everything is moving from one dimension to through a wormhole you could say. i rambling? i'm kind of multitasking as i write this. i'm texting two people and enjoying an adult beverage in addition to blogging. sorry! i've just been looking at this drawing a lot recently trying to figure out what i wanted to say about it...for some reason i felt like visiting it tonight.

i'm 29 years old. most married women my age have children or are having them soon. children are not on my radar for another four or five years. i know that when i go home for christmas, my aunts and maybe uncles are going to be asking, "so when can we expect some babies?" i feel like i don't hear women talking about dreams and goals before kids anymore. there's nothing wrong with that! some women want to be moms and maybe secondarily think of having part or full time jobs or crafts or whatever...i have no opinion of that other than that's not what i want. to each their own! the only time i will ever judge a mother is if she's a mother consistently having unprotected sex and having more children than what she can provide for...that's the only time i'll find myself judging besides the obvious situations like abuse and neglect. but i wish there were more women my age out there with a voice about success before children...that's what i need...i need that before i have children. i don't feel a need for children right now...i just don't. i don't need babies...i need success and someday i want children. i need to have an identity that is solely my own before i am defined as a's very important to's crucial! i'm rambling again. sorry!

so am i looking at motherhood in a warped way? are my needs for success and identity indications that i'm not mother material? am i going against nature because i don't have the instinct to procreate but rather to succeed as an individual? i'm afraid that maybe i shouldn't be a mother. i'm afraid that someday i'll decide i don't want to be a mother or that i'll decide i do, but i won't really have the time anymore. so...i try not to think about it at all really...see where i am in four or five years and then go from there. there's no reason to worry about something that's not even on the agenda right now anyway! so i'll stop...for now...but like i did here...i know i'll revisit the thought off and on for the next 5 years or so! it's just my warped nature!

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