Wednesday, November 23, 2011

A Young Perception


"Altered Temple"

"I Want"

"What have I done Where do I go"

these drawing were done in 2003..."acknowledge" was the first drawing that inevitably led to the style of all that followed and what i do to this day. i was sitting in my college dorm room watching football, and it occurred to me that it had been some time since i had drawn anything. so i grabbed my sketch pad and my oil pastels and really just started drawing without any idea how it was going to evolve...which as i've explained before is sometimes my method of my art. i've been getting these old drawings into digital form so that i can share and copy for prints in addition to the originals, and it's really been like a trip down memory lane...what was i thinking? where was my head? how did i perceive myself?

i grouped these together as a kind of mini series i suppose...i would call them "corrupted and confused." i'd rather not divulge the details of my sins and mistakes, but i will say that 2003 was really the beginning of a more sinful than not was the year i got sick with epstein barr, which inevitably led to weight gain, which led to low self esteem...and my ways of dealing were not always healthy. but! as self destructive as i was, i was also at a kind of raw sense of identity...hence the tattoos and piercings. i've never grown out of my tattoos and i would have kept the piercings if they hadn't become infected or unflattering on my changed body...the point being that some things came out of this time of my life that i don't regret or wouldn't change.

i don't want to go in and analyze each specific piece and line it up with what was going on in my young mind. i will point out the apples...temptation or sin. the collages with straight dividing lines...broken or unclear perceptions of life. the eyes and mouths...seeing and tasting all of life. the sun and stars...destiny...a light at the end of the tunnel...something bigger than me?

this was a time of my life when i got what i wanted and did what i wanted...without much thought for consequences. i didn't realize how my actions would shape so many years that followed; that my actions would eventually lead to unhealthy perceptions; that my actions would ruin chances and relationships in my life...i could have become a different person if i hadn't gone down that road. but i like who i am i believe i had to get through a lot of shit to get here...and if anything would have happened differently, i simply wouldn't be who i am or where i am i said...i like who i am today.

but none the less, it's interesting to me to see what my young perception on life looked like compared to what my perceptions are today. i have a visual of when i was a girl...and although that girl had so many problems...that girl is this woman today. i'm stronger and smarter, and i'm grateful for my life lessons.

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