A Bummer Kind Of Day...

Today was bad.

If I want to be honest about living with depression, I need to make sure I write about the really crappy days...the zero on the scale from worst to best days.

I don't have to write too much about it. Anyone reading this who lives with clinical depression will know...

That some days are just going to suck...nothing can make them better. Might over eat or not eat at all. Might sleep too much. Might not want to get up. Might try smiling to trick the brain.

I want to be inspiring and encouraging. It's hard to do that today. But, I don't want to leave y'all with sadness...so know this...

Today was bad...a bummer kind of day...they happen...but I'm hopeful that tomorrow will be better!

Sweet dreams and hugs and love, my lovelies!

Tangled with Tears

pencil on paper by The Ro Fo Sho Art c.a. 2003

Life's Art - "Hearts Hurt" & "Hearts Heal"

"Hearts Hurt"

well we've talked about the heart in peril...the abstract pain of the heart feeling genuinely beaten. damn it hurts! but that's simply a part of life...our hearts get hurt...and it's always a bummer. sometimes it's not as severe as that beaten feeling and sometimes it's unimaginably worse...but every and any pain is a tough time to have to deal with. our hearts get broken. our hearts suffer loss from death. our hearts get sick with depression and other illnesses. our hearts lose fire when we feel like we've failed. we can feel guilt, anger, uncertainty, betrayal, and whatever else you can imagine deep inside the chambers and vessels of our hearts...the unseen intangible emotions find places to bury inside the tangible organ...and it can feel...infected. cloaked in darkness. drowning in hell's fire. weighed down with tears. it hurts.

"Hearts Heal"

but as much as our hearts can hurt...our hearts can heal. it may take those lovely little cliches i mentioned before or it may take something else. sometimes we push ourselves to heal by seeking a new hobby or throwing caution to the wind starting over..like a new career...or even an extreme new hair style. sometimes it takes friends and or family to drag our asses up...and by doing so causing us to heal through their love born from concern. but maybe i'm being too vague.

my heart has been broken by boys, hurt by destructive choices, hurt by depression, hurt by conflicts with family and friends...i could go on and on. but the point i want to make is that i have hurt in many ways and have been healed in many ways too. there were times when i would have stayed home in front of the tv or in bed if a friend had not called, picked me up, and taken me out of the house and out of my wallowing. my mama always sees through me, and in the past if she hadn't made me face what was hurting me and offered solutions and support, i would have suffered longer than necessary. my heart was in pain and i turned to alcohol...and a new pain emerged....and i hurt myself deeper and deeper with destructive behavior. i hurt my family and friends...and therefore myself. but it took their worries and voices...it took my own self realization...it took prayer and meditation...it took time...and eventually my heart healed.

a healed heart is like being reborn...a clean slate...everything becomes possible and achievable once more. a healed heart is rewarded and or opportunities emerge in the light. after my heart hurt and healed throughout different moments in my life i experienced all different kinds of new found joy. photography school, fun new hair cuts and colors, tattoos, closer relationship with God, a stronger sense of spirituality, and endless love...all of these parts of my life came after my heart was healed. and sometimes the hurt that preceded my healing opened my eyes to revelations i may have never had if i hadn't experienced that pain.

so trust me...there will be healing after hurting. sometimes it takes a little help outside of our own capabilities...but at some point during the process, you will have to be proactive...you will have to be a part of your recovery. if you don't, it will never be 100% and you won't attain all of the strength that can become available...don't just sit on your butt...get up. it will be okay.

"it's gonna be all right...no matter what they say! it's gonna be a good day...just wait and see!" ~ jewel

hugs and love, my lovelies :)

Life's Art - "Beaten" by Ro Fo Sho Art

"Beaten"

a broken heart is honestly a physical pain...if one has truly loved and lost, one will always feel that deep ache inside. i'm here to make some points about this that are very clear and straight forward...it may seem brutal, but to sugar coat something so severe is just plain ignorant and cruel really! here's the deal...no one and nothing is going to make it better...but it's not as simple as that. when one is hurting and suffering through this abstract pain, all the advice and words of wisdom in the world are simply going to do one of the following three things:

#1 - make the individual hurt worse
#2 - anger the individual...or...
#3 - roll over and through choosy ears

or that person could experience any combo or all three of these effects together! the advice and words of wisdom i speak of are classic cliches...easy to guess...but tried and true...

* time heals
* there are other fish in the sea
* it just wasn't meant to be
* it was for the best
* you'll be stronger than before

now...i say these phrases are tried and true because even though the individual who is hurting may experience the three typical reactions listed about...ultimately...when the pain has passed, all of those annoying cliches and little bits of comfort have indeed actually happened! time has vanished away leaving the past behind...and that love is just a memory...which in turn obviously wasn't meant to be. there is then an opportunity for something new...and whatever happens or doesn't happen...there will definitely be a new found strength!

so! if this really great advice does no good until observed in retrospect...how does one get through a broken heart? i'm tellin' you...you just get through. you hurt and you cry. you pray and you beg. you sleep and you hide. the heart is beaten...bruised and excruciatingly tender. but...you get up everyday and you do something everyday. there is school or work...or a project or an event. you have family or friends or both...and maybe even some coworkers. have meals, coffee, or cocktails...go dancing or swimming...just live. it's hard and you'll hear all of those cliches form everyone you tell your story to...but remember...it's all true when the dust settles. so just get through it...just live.

remember it's okay to mourn a lost love. it's perfectly normal to feel so abused. there will be time to wallow and grieve...allow yourself to experience that pain...ignoring it will make it worse. every heart gets beaten at least once in life.

stay with me, and i'll tell you more about how hearts hurt and how hearts heal. i'm here to tell you that i've come to realize my experience in life were meant for me to learn and share...for me to assure you that you are not alone and there's wrong and right ways to deal. take what i have to say and just see if it makes sense in your life...i bet it does;) hugs and love, my lovelies!

Life's Art by Ro Fo Sho Art

i have a new vision for my art. i wrote before about an idea that i wasn't sure if i wanted to share for fear of how stuck up or pretentious it might sound. but i'm over that fear...i'm confident with my idea:) here it is in a nut shell: i think i could be a really great motivational speaker. and i think i can set myself apart by incorporating my art with the encouragement and...motivation...that comes from listening to such a speaker! there are two parts to this realization:

part I

i have a pretty impressive collection of my drawings since 2003...like...a ton! when i look through my pieces, i can't help but feel proud and a huge amount of affection for my creations. i also remember where my heart and head were during creation...each drawing comes with a clear memory...whether it be a memory of what it meant to me or a memory of what feeling or place in my life it evolved from. it's like having a journal without words. i believe that i can tell stories and make points...have a visual for my audience...with my art. i've always wanted to be a writer, but sometimes i trip and stumble all over the words and just have to express whatever those words are through colors and lines. so i think if i'm speaking to a group of people about my life's lessons and i have some pieces for visual interest...i can use them as an anchor for myself as well.

part II

it began in college. my dorm room door was always open and girls were constantly coming in and out to visit. during those visits, the conversations often led to discussions on relationships (mostly) and sometimes other aspects of life like majors or family and friend conflicts. i was always good at seeing multiple sides of stories or different perspectives of a situation. the girls always seemed to leave with a new sense of confidence or determination...and i always felt a sense of accomplishment by helping someone through a tough time.

when i was a supervisor in a photo lab, it was the first time i interviewed and hired associates. i hired two different girls at different times during this job. after one left, i filled the position with the next one. they had different personalities and were in different places in life...but they were both quite a bit younger than me...and there were other similarities. despite the differences, both of these girls were, in a word, lost. now i don't feel right taking credit for turning their lives around...but...both girls at one point during my friendships with them told me that i had "inspired" them...that they "learned" from me...and i watched them become less like girls and more like women. i felt very maternal towards them. from my perspective, i saw them wandering around for a time but then start walking more determined with a goal in sight. i felt like i guided them...like i pushed them...made them ask questions of themselves and find the answers.

so! my experiences in life have helped me help others through similar situations. all of those times i asked the universe or God, "why? why must i have to go through this?" i believe everything happens for a reason...and so...the answer to all of those questions is this: use what i know to bring light to the dark for others. and i believe...truly believe...that i can do this!

ro fo sho art will now include the occasional segment of life's art...where i will share my stories and life lessons with some art for visual interest...an illustration of sorts. i hope that my words will help people...that others will read and share what i bring here. i also hope that as time passes, people feel comfortable initiating discussions...asking for advice or help...encouragement and motivation:) let's see where this goes!

"Connected"

Ro Fo Sho Art

i have four followers that i know of on this blog...thank you dearest readers! i believe others may stop in from time to time...but without the occasional facebook comment...i'm not sure who actually may be reading or full fledged following. note: i enjoy alliteration...and assonance for that matter...as well as rhyming...just a little tid bit from today's random tree. moving on! the point of sharing all of this is that i want people to read this blog...i want my ideas and art read and seen by a mass audience. not for popularity. not for fame. both may seem stuck up...but i think my reason may be the most stuck up of all. so i'm not sure if i will share at this time...let's see where we are at the end of this entry!

sometime between when i was born and 6 years old, i wanted to be an artist. by middle school, i knew that being an artist was as realistic a dream as being a rock star...well let me clarify...being able to survive off of one's dream, one must make money...and sellin' art on the sidewalks and singin' in smoky bars might make payin' the bills a bit challenging...one must have a successful gallery exhibit or CD release...for example. so by the end of middle school, i discovered a love for photography...and i've written about this before so i don't want to write about it now but i'll copy and paste that after this entry for you to read...and then i'll edit this entry and provide the link when you click...here:) i'm sharing this little middle school realization because i figured i could be successful with photography and still be able to achieve that artist dream at the same time! and this photography road will be explained more as well when you click on that link i mentioned before. so go ahead and read that now if you haven't. in addition to that last sentence...i am an artist. the passion i expressed about photography has kind of evolved in to the art i've been working on most recently...but it all ties together...it's all coming to this place that i feel stuck up about mentioning right now...but maybe later.

i am creating "ro fo sho art." i don't want to call it a business...i'm not really sure what to call it...or even how to explain it. so...following these few sentences will be a couple of paragraphs...the first one being an objective of sorts and the second one being a third person narrative of me basically (which could evolve into something else later...i'll let you know).

i want to combine my love for visual, musical, and written art into one vision that brings them all together...not necessarily in a variety of joint forms...but rather in a place...like stepping inside my mind where it all comes together in a chaos of sounds, words, lines, and colors that somehow...in this random and disjointed world...look like pieces in a museum with strange unrecognizable notes falling on frames, pages, and senses.

she's trying to find that spot in her mind where the conscious and subconscious delicately combine. is it a tangible entity or another dimension beyond human perception? how do dreams form from seemingly no where...unrelated to experiences and even random thoughts...where are they from? and these drawings and paintings that evolve spontaneously as her hand meets brush, pencil, or pastel to whatever her canvas may be...how do they unravel from the mess of images in her mind? sometimes it all comes at once and it is so hard to untangle the knots...how can she put the abstract with the concrete? too many questions. but there is a purpose for all of this...there is a reason. she can feel it! there must be a way for her to share her art and her words in a way that appeals to everyone...even those who never pay any attention to art. she has to find this path as she fits the pieces together...combine the art with the memories with the mental place on life's timeline. so...the beginning...

yeah i'm still not going to share my idea just yet...but i don't think it's really stuck up. however, i think it will make more sense with more entries relevant to the vision:)

so! i'll get back to the creation of "ro fo sho art" throughout this blog. for right now...i will share the 3 most recent drawings that have kept me busy as i've been away from writing...


this one is called "energy spinning." i did it with graphite pencils one evening while watching tommy play video games. good times. oh yes! i would also like to mention that i had been watching shows about the universe leading up to this. so when i write about my art coming from a spontaneous place, i believe this one came from supernovas still "spinning" around in my head;)


this one is "stellar memories" created with prisma colors and chalk pastels. this one looked so childlike in the beginning actually...like a children's book on shapes. but the word inside my head when i put the first line down was, "trippy." so that is definitely what evolved. adding the chalk pastels in this one led directly to the following one...


this one is "hearts collide," which may seem to obvious but i don't care...it's how i feel about the love story of my husband and me. anywho! i hadn't used chalk pastels in years so when i added it to the previous drawing, i was really excited to immediately do another quick sketch. "stellar memories" took me days..."hearts collide" took me minutes! oh the joy of chalk pastels!

so this was a long one! and i probably rambled and didn't make sense through the whole thing. but that is why this has been so frustrating for me!!! "ro fo sho art" is such a mess in my head and i'm trying to make it make sense...gah! hopefully it will in the next few days. praying:)