Friday, September 19, 2014

Dark Days

I'm taking a little break from my photographic summary series to talk with y'all a little more openly about how my battle with depression has been going recently. First, I want to say sorry for not talking about the dark days as much as I should have been talking about them. When I read back over what I've written before on the subject, it comes off like a motivational poster or generic words of inspiration...and I never wanted to sound like that! What I've said is true and has absolutely been motivation and inspiration for me on this journey! But after reading those words and phrases again, while trying to view them from a different perspective than my own, I was reminded of a totally different kind of experience that we all go through in our lives.

We all get our hearts broken in one way or another. Our friends and family quickly rally with words of comfort and compassion, and we begin to hear the same kinds of phrases over and over. My favorites fall on the topic of time: "Time heals." "Time will mend." "It's going to take some time." "Be patient, time will tell." And honestly, time is the truth of the matter. There can be a countless number of variables that could help and heal the situation...but the constant is time. However, we don't want to hear it when we're hurting. It sounds like complete bull shit! After a hearing it a million times, you want to start punching people or screaming at people! It's straight up annoying! And it's only after time has passed and we've made it through our trials that we look back and realize, "Yes. I just needed time."

So that is the place I'm coming from when I write the things I do about depression. I only found comfort in those words after I made it through the dark. Basically, the truth was realized on the other side of suffering. Does that make sense? I really hope it does! What I'm trying to say is that maybe my words of encouragement make you want to strangle me and scream at me, and I totally understand, so it's okay! When you're on the other side of it, you'll discover the truth. Unfortunately, being on the other side of suffering doesn't mean you're going to stay there. Depression is the no fun roller coaster ride. For me though, and I hope this for everyone, when I stumble back into the dark, I use those once useless words to help me recover again.

Get up, Amy. Open the blinds, Amy. Don't go back to sleep, Amy. You know this is just a temporary down, Amy. You know you will get through this and feel better again, Amy. Talk to your doctor, Amy. Talk to the ones who love you, Amy. Read or draw or have dinner with friends, Amy. Sing or write, Amy. Email Tom, Amy. Don't eat so much junk, Amy. Walk outside in the sunshine, Amy. Get out of the house, Amy. Get up, Amy.

These words have been ongoing in my head for about a month and a half now. A lot of changes, several obstacles, one problem after another, the long absences of my husband, and the days of loneliness have taken a major toll. It's been hard to get on my feet and stay there. This round on the depression roller coaster has been full of severe ups and downs. I can't tell you how many days I literally stayed on the couch sleeping or watching TV. I had an up day where I was trying to make friends with new people via social networking, but fell again and dropped out of the conversations. I've been doing better, but I tell y'all what, this has been a rough one...I get up and do the things I tell myself to do...but I can feel a physical resistance. The shadow of depression seems solid and combative...I feel like I'm exerting so much energy just to push against it. And I'm tired. So tired. Two of my very good friends spent last weekend with me, and it was such a fun time and I loved not feeling so lonely! After they left, I felt like I could sleep for a week. I wasn't pretending to be happy when they were here, but I was certainly fighting to feel that happiness and enjoy it while that dark shadow was trying to squish it.

I have an appointment with a new doctor coming up soon. I'm eating well and trying to stay active. And yes, I'm still taking my anti depressants. The words of encouragement and motivation are on repeat in my thoughts. I know that this is just a slump, a down time in the fight when it feels like depression is winning. And I know I've written very similar words before. But I also know that I'll get through it because I always do...and I will always ALWAYS be the one that wins the battles.

Stay strong and hugs and love, my lovelies!
Love always,
Amy...The Ro Fo Sho

p.s. Daisies make me happy :)

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