"A Warped Nature"

"A Warped Nature"

i did this oil pastel drawing back in 2003...a lot of my art that i'll be sharing is from 2003 or recently. 8 years between these periods of art explosions. however, i believe that the occasional distance i often found from my art in the past will no longer be an issue. the reason is simple really...2003 was the year my life started taking a dramatic turn...between then and the past year or so, i had some major downs and moments of just being messed up. i'm good now...stable anyway...ahem...mostly:) like i've said before, art has been a part of my life since before i can remember, but i've just recently accepted that it doesn't have to just be a hobby...i can actually do something with this. it's what makes me happy:) the key to happiness is doing what makes you happy...so...there it is! (that's a lot of happy lol) now i wanna do it all the time! art art art!!! drawing, painting, photography, and writing:)

so i don't remember where my mind was when this was created. i went with "a warped nature" because of the bent tree and drain like motion to the image. i have several sketches that never made it to actual completed drawings that are of a drain like concept. maybe i was thinkin' along the lines of how sometimes life feels like it's going down the drain...or sometimes all the good just seems to wash away...i suppose the obvious stuff you could say. i know i've done the drain thing with the idea that everything is moving from one dimension to another...like through a wormhole you could say. hmmm...am i rambling? i'm kind of multitasking as i write this. i'm texting two people and enjoying an adult beverage in addition to blogging. sorry! i've just been looking at this drawing a lot recently trying to figure out what i wanted to say about it...for some reason i felt like visiting it tonight.

i'm 29 years old. most married women my age have children or are having them soon. children are not on my radar for another four or five years. i know that when i go home for christmas, my aunts and maybe uncles are going to be asking, "so when can we expect some babies?" i feel like i don't hear women talking about dreams and goals before kids anymore. there's nothing wrong with that! some women want to be moms and maybe secondarily think of having part or full time jobs or crafts or whatever...i have no opinion of that other than that's not what i want. to each their own! the only time i will ever judge a mother is if she's a mother consistently having unprotected sex and having more children than what she can provide for...that's the only time i'll find myself judging besides the obvious situations like abuse and neglect. but i wish there were more women my age out there with a voice about success before children...that's what i need...i need that before i have children. i don't feel a need for children right now...i just don't. i don't need babies...i need success and someday i want children. i need to have an identity that is solely my own before i am defined as a mother...it's very important to me...it's crucial! i'm rambling again. sorry!

so am i looking at motherhood in a warped way? are my needs for success and identity indications that i'm not mother material? am i going against nature because i don't have the instinct to procreate but rather to succeed as an individual? i'm afraid that maybe i shouldn't be a mother. i'm afraid that someday i'll decide i don't want to be a mother or that i'll decide i do, but i won't really have the time anymore. so...i try not to think about it at all really...see where i am in four or five years and then go from there. there's no reason to worry about something that's not even on the agenda right now anyway! so i'll stop...for now...but like i did here...i know i'll revisit the thought off and on for the next 5 years or so! it's just my warped nature!

Slapped, Smacked, and Stabbed!

my sister was born a year and four days after me...we've been like twins all our lives! i think that we are probably the best of friends and have one of the funniest and most entertaining relationships anyone could ever witness. we also have some of the most epic fights...i slapped her once.

she had been pissing me off all day, and i was finally pushed to my limit in the jc penney parking lot. i had called the front seat...she tried to take it...even though she had been riding in it all day...i snapped...i was taken over by the sibling conflict demon and let loose my fury with a full hand slap and smack on her face. cat fighting then followed. our grandma was horrified and so embarrassed! it ended...i think i retreated to the back of the van to lay down with my anger. my sister always says that i slapped her over riding shot gun...but it was so much more...soooo much more than that! we've since moved past that haha:)

we are night and day...from the outward to the inward:) she has blonde hair and mood changing blue green eyes...she gets brown in the sun...she's taller and has bigger boobs. i'm a red head with always green eyes and always pale skin...shorter...smaller boobs (although they've grown with my weight gain). she was always a star...actress and singer...entertainer and comedian. life has thrown her some really tough punches...but when she gets the chance to sing some karaoke or tell an interesting story, she still knows how to handle the spotlight. i'm always proud when i see her make people laugh and cheer. she has always been hollywood and theater and i've been rock 'n roll and geek lol:) in school i worried and worked for straight A's...always thinking about college and scholarships....she worked for lead roles and solos. we both succeeded with our goals in school. our post school dreams have not turned out like we envisioned...we've both been affected by illness...her illnesses have been much much more life altering than mine. i'm still working towards my childhood dreams, and she's trying to find medicines and surgeries that could improve her life while also having to maintain the jobs of being a wife and mother. if i could take some of her burdens and carry them myself, i would do it in a heart beat!

everyone understands how hard it is to watch the people we love hurt so much. there comes a point when there is nothing we can do...we don't have the money to help with doctors and medicines...we live half a country away so we can't even put our arms around them...we listen over the phone, but we're not there to wipe away the tears or squeeze a hand. it's very...very hard.

my sister's birthday is thursday, and this is the first time in about 10 years that we have not been together on our birthdays. it sucks...but it sucks even more because i know she needs me now, but all i can do is send a card in the mail! i hope that helps a little at least! i'm always trying to get her to laugh and smile as much as she gets me to laugh and smile:) she's a punk though, so it's a bit more challenging i think! haha! this picture is one of the last ones we took together before i moved to illinois (and now to virginia). both of us are very insecure about our physical appearances. we both use to be very fit...no double chins! our illnesses have caused excessive weight gain for us...it's probably one of the hardest things either of us have faced...and...i think we'd both be so much happier if we could just lose the weight! i think we look good in this picture...she doesn't like it...but i don't know why...and it's the only one i have on this computer right now...so it'll have to do! :)


at least we can all see that her boobs are indeed bigger than mine haha! :) there are times when i want to punch her...i believe i once told her that i wanted to karate chop her throat. hey! we're irish...our tempers are a little heightened! but i love her:) as much as we clash...as different as we are...there is nothing like the bond between sisters...nothing! and now...i must tell a story about her attacking me once. and listen folks...this was a much more serious instance...there was blood...

i was 6...she was 5. we had a shoe box and two very sharp pencils. we stabbed the shoe box over and over with these very sharp pencils. i don't know what are objective may have been...my memory simply starts with the box and the pencils and the stabbing over and over. after some time i held the box up to my face...like a mask...to see what it was like looking through so many tiny holes. and...in slow motion...my sister raised her pencil...pulled her arm back...and plunged the sharp pencil into the box...into my eye. screaming. tears. running through grandma and grandpa's house. stopping and seeing swollen bleeding eye in hall mirror. screaming. crying. end memory. i remember explaining my black eye to my kindergarten teacher...i believe i thought it was cool having a black eye...and i don't remember having hard feelings toward my sister after the initial stabbing:)

"Stabbing Sister"

i don't believe my conscious thoughts were with this particular memory as i created this drawing...it had to have been my subconscious haha:) also...the picture has a very angry and violent sort of feeling with it...but that's not why i named it "stabbing sister." after i drew it and several years later when i decided to name it, it was the first thing that came to my mind. that instant when i looked in the mirror and saw the tiny dots of blood on my eyelid...that's what i think of when i look at it. but it makes me laugh:) so, i think it'll be so funny someday when i have a gallery exhibit of my work and people look at this one thinking how raw and hard and violent and sad it is...for me...it's a memory of two little girls who shouldn't have been playing with sharp pencils haha!

well anway. my sister is often misunderstood. she has negative feelings about herself that i don't feel like would be right for me to share. but she's just as beautiful and vibrant as she was 10 years ago...she has it inside. i hope that the upcoming surgery helps her. i hope that her life and the people in her life find a good solid fulfilling path that lead her to a consistent happiness!

happy birthday, my lovely sister. i know you're in the dark right now. i know that there is pain and that there is sorrow. but you are still young...your body can still be taken care of...and your mind still possesses the talent and passions from years ago...you will be healed...and you will find joy again in the things in life you always enjoyed. both of us are in very different places than where we thought we'd be 10 years ago...but there is still the potential for dreams to come true. hold on to that, okay? and remember that even though i'm miles away...i'm always with you in your heart...we're twins like that you know:)

anyone else reading this? be as strong as you can for the people you love. try to give those people a silver lining to their storm clouds. when you get frustrated because you feel like there's nothing you can do...accept that there is nothing you can do...but love them...and be there for them. make sure they know it!

and here's one last memory to lighten the mood. according to my sister, i explained what sex was to her and our cousin using a barbie and ken doll. apparently...i stripped them naked...bent them in half...and smashed their...ahem...privates together. now...i don't remember this at all...it could be a ridiculous story! but! at least i was honest and didn't try to overly romanticize it...that could have led to premature sexual activity for goodness sakes!!! i believe it was probably an accurate education for girls so young haha!

okay. i'm shutting up now! i love you beetle bob!!!

Virginia Beach

we live here now. well...not beach front property...but it's pretty much just around the corner...so yeah...we live here now!!! and yes you're right...'cause i know what you're thinkin'...i do indeed love it here! so here's all about northern chicago to virginia beach...

the movers came and packed us up on september 26th, and i vacuumed and cleaned behind them before we hit the road. i drove for about 6 hours that first day...tommy played on the computer...we make a good team on the road. if you really want to test your relationship, i honestly believe a good measure is a long road trip with your significant other. on a road trip you work as a team...at least you should for a smoother journey. i prefer to drive and tommy prefers to be entertained with computer games and mobile internet...so we traveled together perfectly! we stayed in fredmont, ohio that first night. the second day, i drove for about 12 hours...it was a lovely part of the trip. the first day we drove through indiana and ohio...which were pretty states, but nothing to see and share about. pennsylvania and maryland and virginia were GORGEOUS to drive through!!! i wish i could have taken pictures along the way...but if tommy had driven, i would have gotten car sick anyway, and the pictures wouldn't have happened then either...le sigh. so that was tuesday that we got to virgina beach...

it was already dark outside, but i could still see the ocean...it was yummy even without the sunlight...just choppy black waves in the silver moonlight:) we drove through a 3 mile tunnel...i believe we were under the ocean...yes...under the ocean...well water from the ocean anyway...and probably one of those spots were the water is managed in such a way that you can build a tunnel under it...but anyway! i thought it was cool...and claustrophobic...but cool. the GPS showed us driving surrounded by water.

our town home wouldn't be ready until friday, so from tuesday night to friday morning, we stayed in a hotel...near the shore...like...only a few blocks behind all of those ocean front resort places...we couldn't see the ocean at all from our hotel...but it was there...just over some buildings you know. on wednesday we rested...drove around a little...stopped at the beach for a quick look...in our tennis shoes. yeah. tennis shoes. there may have been arrows hovering above our heads saying, "tourists!!! right here!!!" we had flip flops the next day. that night however, we saw serious storm clouds looming over the city and water...people were still running to the waves with their surf boards...must be a locals thing. we left and about 5 minutes later it was hard core thunder storming...i bet those surfers were done then;)

thursday, we found some flip flops and introduced kakashi to the ocean...


he was a little overwhelmed i believe...we laughed at him a little...i know...terrible parents. oh he loved it!!! but for a dog that usually goes crazy over water, he was more interested in the sea gulls and the sand...the ocean might be a little too big for him right now but i think he'll get use to it. something i'll never get use to is this...


my handsome husband :) he's gonna be so embarrassed i commented about him like that. tough:) i love this guy...he's super cute! i thought the water was going to be unbearable cold but he said it felt nice...i waded in a bit...didn't have my swimsuit...but my legs enjoyed the rushing waves, and it really felt nice actually! to document my presence on this momentous day i have the following photos...first by me and second by tommy...



so yes...i was there:) my body isn't exactly beach ready at this time...at least i'm not comfortable with it right now...so hopefully i can get my butt in gear and start working out hard core here pretty soon!!! must...lose...weight!!! must...lose...weight!!!

it was a nice day on the beach...i was happy we could all be together there, but i look forward to some ocean time with just tommy and me...kakashi just really wanted to chase some gulls and that wouldn't have worked...dogs have to be kept on a leash...sorry kakashi...


wook at dat cute wittle face!!! y'all may be interested to know that kakashi now has a wellness plan with banfield vets of pets mart...he will also be neutered this month...yay!!!

so now we are in our town home...we suffered a few days without furniture but our stuff is now here and i will be occupied a couple of days unpacking and decorating. gotta get it done quick so i can get a job quick and start meeting some virginia friends quick!!! i'll share more about this transition later. i really need to go call my mama. i just wanted to share a little bit with y'all since it's been a little while. so here i am...this oklahoma girl is now a beach babe!

A Decade's End & "Among the Stars"

"Among the Stars"

on october 9th of this year i will be turning 29 and so shall begin the last year of my 20s...i've said before that getting older doesn't bother me, but rather the thought of not completing certain goals at a certain time does. i use to have an impressive lists of goals before the age of 30, but it didn't take me long to realize how unrealistic that list was for a somewhat of a procrastinator like myself...at least i'm aware of my flaws! i do have some goals though to complete before this decade of my life's end...i don't necessarily want to list them all but i'll share my biggest 2: lose weight and get fit and healthy and be aggressive about getting my art and writing out in the world. i have faith in myself for completion...and i would like to succeed early on in my last year of my 20s so that i may enjoy my achievements for the remainder of this momentous portion of my life. i hope to ring in my 30s feeling 100% great about my life...i'd also like to celebrate the next decade by a big trip to vegas with all my friends...so put that on your calendars y'all!

i make lists. it may be a compulsive disorder...but i'm not sure...it doesn't really matter to me. my mama started it. i use to love sneaking a peek at her lists to see what she had planned; i don't know why i loved it so much...it was kind of like discovering a christmas list!

i have a list for what i want this next year of my life to look like...from tangible things like clothing and accessories, furniture and decorations to the intangible like success and happiness and adventure! so i'll share some of that...and if anyone wants to reference to this list for birthday or christmas gifts, well that's quite all right with me!

clothing and accessories and other things:
boots (size 6)
fedora hats
feather hair clips
fabulous wardrobe (fabulous body requested prior to fabulous wardrobe if possible haha)
prisma color pencils
large sketching paper
large canvases
gallons of acrylic paint...maybe not gallons
graphite pencils
photo albums
clear corner mounts for photos
pretty things
art things
beautiful shoes (size 6)

furniture and decorations and stuff:
drawing table
patio furniture
chiminea (i don't know how that is spelled...sound it out please)
grill
dining chair tables
bedroom furniture set
candles
coasters
pretty things
money
living room furniture
entertainment glass wear, serving wear, and such
housekeeper
personal chef

intangible:
more energy
successful art career
travel (i suppose that's a tangible thing actually)
ability to function off of 6 or 7 hours of sleep...
things like that...

so that's some of it...it sounds lovely doesn't it? if someone wants to suggest to my husband to bring me flowers or write me little love notes, that would be okay too. well...i'm kind of distracted by football...so i think i'll just wrap this up. i just wanted to share a little bit with y'all since it's been a while since i blogged last. oh! we are moving to virginia in 9 days so i might be a little too busy to write before then...but i'll be back soon with more art and "life's art" segments and more stories of my life. hugs and love!

"Overwhelming Passion"

"Overwhelming Passion"

i have a rough draft of what i wanted this post to be about in my little "creative writing" type notebook...it was going to be a "life's art" segment...but i've decided to save it, and go a different direction here because i've started to bore myself with myself on "life's art." that's not a good situation!!! i only really feel this way though because i actually feel very passionate about the topics i approach, and i don't feel like i've conveyed that passion accurately. my little rough draft delves more in to a stronger telling of my opinions...but i'll share it later.

passion is my word. do you have a word? if i could think of a person to most clearly personify the word passion, it would be myself...i've never met anyone as passionate as me. i know passionate people and people that have passionate views and people that are passionate about what they do or who they love and so on and so forth...but i've never met anyone passionate about so many things as i am passionate about. honestly, this has often times been a fault...i'll find myself WAY too overly emotional about things because i feel such a strong intensity of emotions. i'm not sure how i became this way...but one thing i do know about this characteristic of mine, is that my husband was meant for me to balance out my passionate ways. if i am the personification of passion, my husband is the very opposite! i believe that the only thing he is really passionate about is me lol:) i'm not complaining though:) he is sooooo good at calming me down or bringing things back in to a "normal" perspective. he can shush me...and not in a patronizing way...but rather in a calming zen "find your center" kind of way. he knows when i need it and when i don't...when it comes to my art...there is no way that anyone or anything can come in and turn down my dial!

my passion spreads out my focus...i feel like this has been a challenge. i feel very passionately about photography, drawing, painting, singing, and writing...each one gets the same amount of passion, but they don't each get the same amount of focus. i believe that if i could focus on just one, i could become successful with that endeavor. but i can't focus on just one...i want to wrap it all up together and make a life with all of it at once...i believe this causes me to not excel at any just one. like a "jack of all trades but master of none" type of deal. meh. i'm gonna tell myself to shut up now...

i'm a very fanciful person but also very practical...i describe myself as being a woman with her head in the clouds but her feet on the ground. i can't talk about passion and the things that consume me without trying to analyze and break them down at the same time. so i'm telling myself to shut up now lol:)

you know what i really want to do? let me tell you! i want giant canvases and giant amounts of paint...i want to cover myself in colors and roll around on the canvas! i want to put my whole body into creating something i hope to find visually appealing...and i will do that someday. i want bigger pieces of paper to put visions down in pencil and pastels...smudging and blending with my fingertips and hands. i want to get back the intimacy i once had with my photography...that is old school film with a dark room...so i can be part of every step of the creation in a more hands on stimulates all the senses kind of way...something you can't feel with digital and computers. this is why i love art so much! whether it's writing or drawing or singing or photographing...for me...it allows me to put my whole body in to the expression...a feeling of being able to grasp something concrete out of the abstract. it's like i have so much passion inside me, that can be simplified as a passion for life, that i have to get it out in some form...and it happens to be that i enjoy all different kinds of forms.

well anyway. i've rambled enough and have probably effectively established my place as a crazy lady. oh well...not going to apologize for being me! :) if there is a lesson in any of this, it is to find something to be passionate about. express something intangible in a tangible way. i suppose some people go through life perfectly content without ever feeling too overwhelmed by themselves...but for those who feel like they have something inside that needs to be let out...i suggest belting a song, free writing on whatever is available to write on, or diving in to some finger paints...just to name a few:)

"My Star"

Life's Art - "Hearts Hurt" & "Hearts Heal"

"Hearts Hurt"

well we've talked about the heart in peril...the abstract pain of the heart feeling genuinely beaten. damn it hurts! but that's simply a part of life...our hearts get hurt...and it's always a bummer. sometimes it's not as severe as that beaten feeling and sometimes it's unimaginably worse...but every and any pain is a tough time to have to deal with. our hearts get broken. our hearts suffer loss from death. our hearts get sick with depression and other illnesses. our hearts lose fire when we feel like we've failed. we can feel guilt, anger, uncertainty, betrayal, and whatever else you can imagine deep inside the chambers and vessels of our hearts...the unseen intangible emotions find places to bury inside the tangible organ...and it can feel...infected. cloaked in darkness. drowning in hell's fire. weighed down with tears. it hurts.

"Hearts Heal"

but as much as our hearts can hurt...our hearts can heal. it may take those lovely little cliches i mentioned before or it may take something else. sometimes we push ourselves to heal by seeking a new hobby or throwing caution to the wind starting over..like a new career...or even an extreme new hair style. sometimes it takes friends and or family to drag our asses up...and by doing so causing us to heal through their love born from concern. but maybe i'm being too vague.

my heart has been broken by boys, hurt by destructive choices, hurt by depression, hurt by conflicts with family and friends...i could go on and on. but the point i want to make is that i have hurt in many ways and have been healed in many ways too. there were times when i would have stayed home in front of the tv or in bed if a friend had not called, picked me up, and taken me out of the house and out of my wallowing. my mama always sees through me, and in the past if she hadn't made me face what was hurting me and offered solutions and support, i would have suffered longer than necessary. my heart was in pain and i turned to alcohol...and a new pain emerged....and i hurt myself deeper and deeper with destructive behavior. i hurt my family and friends...and therefore myself. but it took their worries and voices...it took my own self realization...it took prayer and meditation...it took time...and eventually my heart healed.

a healed heart is like being reborn...a clean slate...everything becomes possible and achievable once more. a healed heart is rewarded and or opportunities emerge in the light. after my heart hurt and healed throughout different moments in my life i experienced all different kinds of new found joy. photography school, fun new hair cuts and colors, tattoos, closer relationship with God, a stronger sense of spirituality, and endless love...all of these parts of my life came after my heart was healed. and sometimes the hurt that preceded my healing opened my eyes to revelations i may have never had if i hadn't experienced that pain.

so trust me...there will be healing after hurting. sometimes it takes a little help outside of our own capabilities...but at some point during the process, you will have to be proactive...you will have to be a part of your recovery. if you don't, it will never be 100% and you won't attain all of the strength that can become available...don't just sit on your butt...get up. it will be okay.

"it's gonna be all right...no matter what they say! it's gonna be a good day...just wait and see!" ~ jewel

hugs and love, my lovelies :)

Life's Art - "Beaten" by Ro Fo Sho Art

"Beaten"

a broken heart is honestly a physical pain...if one has truly loved and lost, one will always feel that deep ache inside. i'm here to make some points about this that are very clear and straight forward...it may seem brutal, but to sugar coat something so severe is just plain ignorant and cruel really! here's the deal...no one and nothing is going to make it better...but it's not as simple as that. when one is hurting and suffering through this abstract pain, all the advice and words of wisdom in the world are simply going to do one of the following three things:

#1 - make the individual hurt worse
#2 - anger the individual...or...
#3 - roll over and through choosy ears

or that person could experience any combo or all three of these effects together! the advice and words of wisdom i speak of are classic cliches...easy to guess...but tried and true...

* time heals
* there are other fish in the sea
* it just wasn't meant to be
* it was for the best
* you'll be stronger than before

now...i say these phrases are tried and true because even though the individual who is hurting may experience the three typical reactions listed about...ultimately...when the pain has passed, all of those annoying cliches and little bits of comfort have indeed actually happened! time has vanished away leaving the past behind...and that love is just a memory...which in turn obviously wasn't meant to be. there is then an opportunity for something new...and whatever happens or doesn't happen...there will definitely be a new found strength!

so! if this really great advice does no good until observed in retrospect...how does one get through a broken heart? i'm tellin' you...you just get through. you hurt and you cry. you pray and you beg. you sleep and you hide. the heart is beaten...bruised and excruciatingly tender. but...you get up everyday and you do something everyday. there is school or work...or a project or an event. you have family or friends or both...and maybe even some coworkers. have meals, coffee, or cocktails...go dancing or swimming...just live. it's hard and you'll hear all of those cliches form everyone you tell your story to...but remember...it's all true when the dust settles. so just get through it...just live.

remember it's okay to mourn a lost love. it's perfectly normal to feel so abused. there will be time to wallow and grieve...allow yourself to experience that pain...ignoring it will make it worse. every heart gets beaten at least once in life.

stay with me, and i'll tell you more about how hearts hurt and how hearts heal. i'm here to tell you that i've come to realize my experience in life were meant for me to learn and share...for me to assure you that you are not alone and there's wrong and right ways to deal. take what i have to say and just see if it makes sense in your life...i bet it does;) hugs and love, my lovelies!