My lovely dears, it’s time for another depression update! Here’s a short summary in list form…because lists are cool.
Was doing really really well.
Triggers sent me falling back down.
Struggled and coped badly.
Got irritated with myself.
Remembered how great it was to feel the way I did before.
Back on track.
Seeing that happy light again.
It sounds so simple in list form, doesn’t it? All of us who struggle with mental illnesses know that the word “simple” will never be used to describe the fights we battle! The little side notes to my list would include damaging relationships, drinking excessively, making bad decisions, eating through sadness, and so on and so on. But you want to know what I realized through this last bumpy ride off the tracks? Of course you do! I have been dealing with depression (as far back as I can remember anyway) for exactly half of my life thus far. What? Seriously? Half my life. It shocked me. My own electrotherapy we could say…hahaha…not really.
So! I can’t even count the number of times I’ve fallen all the way down to the belly of the beast. I’ve lost track of how often I’ve had to find my way (with the help of friends, family, doctors, medicines, and self reflection) through the dark and back to the light. The number I know is 16 years…half of my life.
My psychiatrist recently told me I’m actually in a really great place of self awareness. I know how happy I was feeling, and I miss it. The extreme switch from doing really well to doing really badly, gave me a side by side comparison. The sharp and abrupt fall down, as opposed to the typical gradual decrease, was cold water to my sleeping face. I’m awake now; determined as I found myself to be before; and actually a little pissed off. I’d say that’s great motivation!
How are your journeys going? Are you making a genuine effort to take control of your illnesses? Remember that healing can start from just opening the curtains, walking to the mailbox, making silly faces in the mirror…just doing something that brings a little light, gives a little fresh air, or causes a little laugh (just to name a few) can start a domino effect of other little things that can start to bring some relief closer to you and darkness further behind you.
Stay determined. Hugs and love, my lovelies!
Amy (The Ro Fo Sho kicking depression’s ugly butt!)