December 3rd

The days leading up to Thanksgiving and the days that followed were extremely emotional ones...the holidays alone are always a more sensitive time for me, but this year has been the most challenging. A year ago, these were the days the cancer was taking over my grandma, the days she decided she didn't want to fight it anymore...the days I was trying to figure out how to get home to her. I was blessed by so many through Go Fund Me...something my sister set up to get our car fixed...those donors were my guardian angels. My husband was just days away from deploying, so I was struggling with wanting to spend as much time with him and wanting to make my way to Oklahoma. We were told that grandma had a few months left at least...but looking back now, I truly believe that Grandma was going to go when she wanted to go. Grandma was like that...when she got an idea in her head or started a project or task, she was full steam ahead...get it done now now now! I wish I had realized this on my drive to Oklahoma...instead I was angry at her for giving up the treatment. I was on the phone with my sister the day I started my trip, and Grandma shouted in the background for me to hurry...I snapped back to my sister, "What? Does she plan on dying as soon as I say hello?!" I was so frustrated and determined to change her mind to keep fighting when I arrived. I should have known. She and I were always going back and forth; she'd say, "Listen to grandma," and I would say, "I was right, wasn't I, grandma?" We'd smile and tease each other...our bantering was always full of love...sometimes I would say, "Ok, grandma, I should have listened to you," and sometimes she would say, "Yes, Amy, you were right." You can read about my last few moments with her in this post. It's been a year, but to read and relive it again feels like fresh grief. She did what I had snapped about though...Grandma and I only had a few moments together before she passed...

Yesterday was a year since her funeral. None of us were able to speak about her then...our grief and sorrow were too much. The pain and ache of losing her will always be a part of me...but now I can say the things I wish I had said then. Grandma was tough and stubborn...she could be hard and abrupt and downright bitchy! Hey, all of the women in our family can be bitchy haha...no judgement! She was smart and quick and feisty...she could get under a car with grandpa to help work on it, and she could make homemade noodles and cherry pies. She'd tear down a wall if she wanted and she'd cry telling stories about her sisters. She was an artist and incredibly talented with oil paints; she used to draw paper dolls for us when we were little. Grandma was loving and giving...she was brave and determined. We laughed a lot and and had so many inside jokes :) She loved her family. She was another mother to me, a teacher, and an inspiration. I miss talking (and complaining about) OU football with her...her voice and her hugs...going out to eat together...just...everything...

I brought one of her shirts home with me when I left Oklahoma, and I often hold it close and imagine hugging her. I've got it downstairs draped over the couch right now...she feels close :) I still speak aloud to her and even sing her favorite songs now and then...

I've been back to work recently, and I was able to write this without totally losing myself into a sobbing mess. I'm going to watch (and share) a video of her soon where she's teaching us how to make her noodles, and I plan on attempting that cooking adventure! I will always have tears for Grandma and I will always feel heart ache for her absence...but one thing I know for certain...she is always with me and I can feel her in my heart!

Special shout out to my friend, Stephany, for bringing me food and a sweet card on the 3rd, and for looking out for me during these past couple of weeks; it has meant so much, my friend. Treasure your family and friends, dear readers...don't ever take them for granted!

Hugs and love, my lovelies!
Amy

Slow Down...Thanksgiving Before Christmas

We do Thanksgiving in this home...simple as that...no rushing into Christmas here! I wrote something a couple of years ago called "No Skipping Thanksgiving," and the sentiment I had then is still true today! The key word is "savor." Remember when we were young and time moved so unbelievably slow? There's no denying how much it speeds up as we get older...seriously...2015 is almost over!!! And as I get older, the more sentimental and nostalgic I become; every moment is more precious and every holiday is more special. I wish I would have known that 2013 would have been the last year I got to spend Christmas with my grandma. I wish I had gone home last year for Thanksgiving because it was the last holiday my family got with Grandma. December 3rd will be the one year anniversary of her death; and a year ago during this time, these were the weeks I was praying for more time...

I miss my grandma every single day...I still have millions of tears to shed for her...the closer the holidays get and the closer the anniversary of her passing gets, the more challenging it will be to keep those tears under control. Oh my goodness...I can't even write about this now...too upsetting!

Anyway! Back to the point! Life moves and changes so quickly...in the blink of an eye it seems sometimes! November is for Thanksgiving...a time to reflect and be grateful...a time to recognize and enjoy the blessings in my life. I hope all of you will take the time to slow down and savor this time of year. Hug and love your loved ones extra tight and extra long too; it could be your last chance.

And as always, hugs and love to you all, my lovelies!
Oh! And just so I'm sure I don't wish it too late, Happy Thanksgiving, dear readers!

Love,
Amy

Quiet Peaceful Day and Night

Blogging from my phone but not using the blogger app...so we'll see how this goes! Today was gray and rainy from the beginning and on...and I loved it! I watched episodes of Doctor Who and ate Eggo waffles and drank French vanilla coffee. A friend reached out to me from a dark place in her depression and I hope I gave her some comfort; I tried my best...words can only do so much as we all know. Tonight, I listened to my Beth Hart (Better Than Home) record and then my Miles Davis (Some Kind of Blues) record...ending with jazz on Pandora radio. Most of the lights were off and my candles and incense were lit...green mint tea in my Doctor Who teapot...the rain still chiming lightly and quietly along with my music...peace and relaxation...and A Beautiful Mess Happy Mail for inspiration and encouragement. Tonight was quiet...the first time I've really been alone in a long time with my friend and roommate on her way to California and my husband at work standing duty...just Kakashi and me. My day was simply peaceful...and so be it the word of the day! My friend had an extremely tough day with her depression and it always breaks my heart when those I love suffer...I hope she finds rest tonight and a brighter tomorrow. And for all of you who might have also had a terrible day with your mental illness, hugs and love from me, my lovelies...I'll keep praying for better days for all of you. Remember the things you loved to do before your depression? I know it's difficult making the effort to do those things again...but it really does help if you can. Maybe you use to sing or dance to the radio...or read outside or play guitar...try to find pleasure in them once more. I usually stray from doing any kind of art during my down days...sometimes months go by before I pick up a pastel or paintbrush. But when I start again, I always wonder why I stayed away from it for so long! Art makes me so incredibly happy...even if I'm expressing something angry or sad, I love having an outlet for my emotions; an outlet that is fun and fulfilling. Anyway...just wanted to throw that out there and share some pics of my night with jazz, tea, and art...

Goodnight, dear readers,
Amy

Screeeech....Crash!

This has to be quick; I'm just checking in really! The title of this post may sound familiar...think back on "Bam...Hitting the Brick Wall," and even as far back as "Depression Derailment...Ding Ding Ding!!!" There was a part two to that last one, but you get the picture! I'm just trying to tell y'all that life was moving along fluidly and pieces were falling into place, and then suddenly at the last possible moment the breaks were slammed and I screeched off my path and on to a new one! So! As I'm sure y'all can imagine, this caused a hiccup in my handling of my depression, and we all know how difficult it is to pick up and get going again...but I'm getting there...I'm recovery more quickly this time, so that is something I feel good about. Anyway! My plan is to get on here tomorrow and update y'all with the latest and greatest...but we'll see. All I wanted today was to say hello and I'll be back soon...life with depression and other mental illnesses can simply be unpredictable sometimes. I hope you are all well and wonderful! Hugs and love, my lovelies!

Peace out!
The Ro Fo Sho

Halloweenin' the House

I LOVE Halloween!!! And I have a weakness for Halloween decorations!!! Sadly, my bank account and credit cards are still recovering from last year's purchases haha! Anywho! I never share pictures of my decor in time...it's always belated and irrelevant I suppose you could say. So! I'm going to share some photos of some of my favorite pieces...these are snapshots from last year, so the arrangement is different, but who cares haha!

 

So I might have shared these last year, but I don't have the energy to go back and check...and if you do..well all the power to ya! I'll snap some cell shots of a couple of other fun things I have hanging up later...Mr. Ghosty and Mr. Bones...they were handed down to me from my mama. Again, I don't have the energy or inclination to do that right now...I'm lazy sometimes.

Example A:

This is me right now...blogging and drinking Malbec out of my Halloween glass...hair is a mess...keepin' it real, my friends...

I have lots more to talk about, but I want to keep this post light and carefree...a breath of fresh air is nice every now and then. The encouragement and feedback I received from my last post was, as always, wonderfully humbling and beautiful...we'll talk more about it later...just know how grateful I will always be for y'all...

What will you all be dressing up as for Halloween? I'm not sure what I'll be, but I'm pretty sure it will involve fake blood and crazy hair...'cause it's more fun that way!

Hugs and love, my lovelies!

Love y'all so much!

Amy

The Discussion Stays Open...

I've been working quite a bit...doing the housewife thing during the day and then going to my new job at night. My focus and energy have been on the new job, so my house work has most definitely suffered...still trying to find the right balance. So far I want to sleep as late as possible, then watch TV and be as lazy as possible, then get ready for work and go...this is obviously not going to be beneficial in any way. In addition to balancing paid work and house work, I need to make time for my art and for writing! Sprinkle in some depression and fatigue...well...y'all know the challenge...

Speaking of which! A couple of my very best of friends have been experiencing depression recently and the question I've gotten from both of them is, "How do you live feeling like this?" I know the initial weight when first confronting depression...the confusion and sadness and hopelessness and utter heart break...the tears and anger. It absolutely shatters me knowing that people I love are experiencing these emotions! And I wish I could give advice and answers that could crash through their darkness like the most intense ray of light imaginable! How have I lived the last 17 years of my life? Three factors. My mama has been on this journey with me since the beginning. The onslaught of emotions that left me staggering in soul wrenching bewilderment were very quickly identified by my mama...she knew exactly what was happening to me because she had been through it herself, so I've always had her support and guidance. The other two factors are a bit of a disappointment to hear, but the truth sometimes is...time and experience. I have had over a decade and a half to figure out how to live my life with an almost constant presence of darkness...a lingering shadow that has become a dark companion you could say...I've made wrong and right choices and decisions while in it's company, and I have learned what works and doesn't work. Drinking excessively does not work. Sleeping for days does not work. Shutting people out does not work. Opening all the blinds and letting light in helps. Talking about my feelings with a good friend or family member helps. Eating good healthy foods and taking walks in the sunshine help. Keep in mind, even though I know what I should and shouldn't do, it doesn't mean I always follow my own advice. But, it will be different for each individuals journey. I will keep writing about it and talking about it openly...I will continue to be encouraging...I will continue to share my ups and downs...the discussion stays open here.

I will find a balance in my life, and I will make a genuine effort to write much more...I'm so sorry for the long periods of silence! I know y'all understand how it goes with mental illness, but I believe I live with this for a purpose...my purpose is to be a voice. To dismiss stigmas and misunderstanding and to force people to confront it and talk about it. And, I don't mean every once in a while; I mean constantly!

Alrightythen! Well! I wasn't sure which direction this was going to go when I started writing, but the passion for this topic suddenly became overwhelming! My thoughts seemed to flow effortlessly from my mind to my fingertips on this keyboard...thank you for listening, dear ones.

Being able to talk openly about my life with y'all is a part of my treatment...it's something that helps heal me. I am grateful that you take time to read and understand...

Hugs and love, my lovelies,
Amy

Damn Down Days...

Ugh. I had a decent amount written up, but somehow it did not save...it's all gone...and I don't have the energy to try and remember and retype it all. So instead, I'm going to bombard y'all with pictures...a summary of sorts from my birthday weekend...

There you go...33 and a red head again...good times! Shout out to Bri, Elizabeth, Stephany, Danielle, Lyssa, my bonus family, and my beloved for the gifts, and treats, and well wishes...y'all made me feel loved!

I'm so blah right now!!! I have this uneasy sinking feeling in my stomach right now, and I can't figure it out. I've started training for a new job that I was initially extremely excited about...now I don't know if I'm nervous or afraid of failing or just plain uncomfortable. I wish I could figure it out. I kind of just want to cry...I feel like how I usually do when my depression is dominating in my life. It's just this feeling of...dread...I can't stand it! Do any of you ever feel like that? Anyone have any secret magical fixes or cures?

Three and a half hours until I have to be at work for training...all I want to do is curl up and sleep. The word of the day is definitely down.

Hope y'all are having a much better day...hugs and love, my lovelies!

Still kickin'!
The Ro Fo Sho