Halloweenin' the House

I LOVE Halloween!!! And I have a weakness for Halloween decorations!!! Sadly, my bank account and credit cards are still recovering from last year's purchases haha! Anywho! I never share pictures of my decor in time...it's always belated and irrelevant I suppose you could say. So! I'm going to share some photos of some of my favorite pieces...these are snapshots from last year, so the arrangement is different, but who cares haha!

 

So I might have shared these last year, but I don't have the energy to go back and check...and if you do..well all the power to ya! I'll snap some cell shots of a couple of other fun things I have hanging up later...Mr. Ghosty and Mr. Bones...they were handed down to me from my mama. Again, I don't have the energy or inclination to do that right now...I'm lazy sometimes.

Example A:

This is me right now...blogging and drinking Malbec out of my Halloween glass...hair is a mess...keepin' it real, my friends...

I have lots more to talk about, but I want to keep this post light and carefree...a breath of fresh air is nice every now and then. The encouragement and feedback I received from my last post was, as always, wonderfully humbling and beautiful...we'll talk more about it later...just know how grateful I will always be for y'all...

What will you all be dressing up as for Halloween? I'm not sure what I'll be, but I'm pretty sure it will involve fake blood and crazy hair...'cause it's more fun that way!

Hugs and love, my lovelies!

Love y'all so much!

Amy

The Discussion Stays Open...

I've been working quite a bit...doing the housewife thing during the day and then going to my new job at night. My focus and energy have been on the new job, so my house work has most definitely suffered...still trying to find the right balance. So far I want to sleep as late as possible, then watch TV and be as lazy as possible, then get ready for work and go...this is obviously not going to be beneficial in any way. In addition to balancing paid work and house work, I need to make time for my art and for writing! Sprinkle in some depression and fatigue...well...y'all know the challenge...

Speaking of which! A couple of my very best of friends have been experiencing depression recently and the question I've gotten from both of them is, "How do you live feeling like this?" I know the initial weight when first confronting depression...the confusion and sadness and hopelessness and utter heart break...the tears and anger. It absolutely shatters me knowing that people I love are experiencing these emotions! And I wish I could give advice and answers that could crash through their darkness like the most intense ray of light imaginable! How have I lived the last 17 years of my life? Three factors. My mama has been on this journey with me since the beginning. The onslaught of emotions that left me staggering in soul wrenching bewilderment were very quickly identified by my mama...she knew exactly what was happening to me because she had been through it herself, so I've always had her support and guidance. The other two factors are a bit of a disappointment to hear, but the truth sometimes is...time and experience. I have had over a decade and a half to figure out how to live my life with an almost constant presence of darkness...a lingering shadow that has become a dark companion you could say...I've made wrong and right choices and decisions while in it's company, and I have learned what works and doesn't work. Drinking excessively does not work. Sleeping for days does not work. Shutting people out does not work. Opening all the blinds and letting light in helps. Talking about my feelings with a good friend or family member helps. Eating good healthy foods and taking walks in the sunshine help. Keep in mind, even though I know what I should and shouldn't do, it doesn't mean I always follow my own advice. But, it will be different for each individuals journey. I will keep writing about it and talking about it openly...I will continue to be encouraging...I will continue to share my ups and downs...the discussion stays open here.

I will find a balance in my life, and I will make a genuine effort to write much more...I'm so sorry for the long periods of silence! I know y'all understand how it goes with mental illness, but I believe I live with this for a purpose...my purpose is to be a voice. To dismiss stigmas and misunderstanding and to force people to confront it and talk about it. And, I don't mean every once in a while; I mean constantly!

Alrightythen! Well! I wasn't sure which direction this was going to go when I started writing, but the passion for this topic suddenly became overwhelming! My thoughts seemed to flow effortlessly from my mind to my fingertips on this keyboard...thank you for listening, dear ones.

Being able to talk openly about my life with y'all is a part of my treatment...it's something that helps heal me. I am grateful that you take time to read and understand...

Hugs and love, my lovelies,
Amy

Damn Down Days...

Ugh. I had a decent amount written up, but somehow it did not save...it's all gone...and I don't have the energy to try and remember and retype it all. So instead, I'm going to bombard y'all with pictures...a summary of sorts from my birthday weekend...

There you go...33 and a red head again...good times! Shout out to Bri, Elizabeth, Stephany, Danielle, Lyssa, my bonus family, and my beloved for the gifts, and treats, and well wishes...y'all made me feel loved!

I'm so blah right now!!! I have this uneasy sinking feeling in my stomach right now, and I can't figure it out. I've started training for a new job that I was initially extremely excited about...now I don't know if I'm nervous or afraid of failing or just plain uncomfortable. I wish I could figure it out. I kind of just want to cry...I feel like how I usually do when my depression is dominating in my life. It's just this feeling of...dread...I can't stand it! Do any of you ever feel like that? Anyone have any secret magical fixes or cures?

Three and a half hours until I have to be at work for training...all I want to do is curl up and sleep. The word of the day is definitely down.

Hope y'all are having a much better day...hugs and love, my lovelies!

Still kickin'!
The Ro Fo Sho

Depression, Fatigue, and Busted Knee...Oh my!

Let's play catch up! I'm struggling to get my groove back here...everything I want to share is a jumbled mess, and I can't seem to sort through it very well. So let me give y'all a rundown on my health...get the not so fun stuff out of the way!

First! My depression is currently under control, manageable, tolerable...in check I suppose you could say. There were some major ups and downs during my absence with the approach of my husband's homecoming, homecoming itself, and the adjustment period of having my husband home. I'll have to write about that sometime...a depression and deployment part three post, or whatever number I was on. Still taking 60mg of Prozac every morning, but I'm not taking the 50mg of Trazadone every night like I had been doing. I'll take the Trazadone when I know I can sleep in the next morning because it takes a while to get out of my system. I eat lots of veggies and get as much sun as I can, and these are huge contributors to managing my depression! Every day is a challenge...some days are easier than others...but this a life with depression! Ultimately, you will be the only person who can decide what kind of life you want to have while living with a mental illness.

Fatigue. Ugh. I did a sleep study...that was an adventure! Nothing like sleeping with wires hooked up and stuck all over knowing that people are watching you and monitoring you in the most vulnerable situations of human existence hahahaha!!! Ha. The thing that sucks the most, however, is the goopey sticky gooey stuff left in the hair that kept all the sensors and such attached. Anyway! Miserable story short, I have "mild obstructive sleep apnea with oxygen desaturation" and qualify for a CPAP machine. I've yet to get the machine, but it seems to be my last hope for solving this horrible problem I have with extreme exhaustion! Just to remind y'all...I've been struggling with fatigue since 2003 and during the last 12 years, I've tried a couple of things. I was giving myself B12 shots on a daily basis for a while..yep...shots...needles...it's okay it didn't hurt at all and I have no problems with that kind of stuff anyway. Then I was taking a weekly dose of Vitamin D of 50,000 units for a few months. My blood work eventually showed above average numbers for B12 and D, but the fatigue still dominated. I'll let y'all know if there are any improvements after I've been on the machine for a little while!

The last thing to catch y'all up on is my knee! After physical therapy and months of waiting to see an actual orthopedic doctor, this is what I found out...actually...let me try and quote the doc...

"Um. Yeeeah. Your knee cap....is...not where it's supposed to be." He demonstrates with his hands how my knee cap is supposed to to be sitting and how it's actually a bit off the mark, and then he says, "and you have severe arthritis behind your knee cap. I'm going to need an MRI first to figure out exactly what...I need to do..."

Got the MRI done and my follow up with the ortho doc is October 1st...stay tuned my friends! Here's a picture of me with my jacked up knee getting a thumbs down!

So there's the latest and greatest, dear readers! I'm slowly but surely getting answers...the key is to stay proactive about it all, you know? Hopefully I'll get some kind of rhythm going again soon, but until then...thank y'all for sticking with me like you do...think I might go take a nap now...

Hugs and love, my lovelies!
Peace out,
Rof Fo Sho

I'm still here!

Oh my goodness...it's been a minute...or 3 months...I don't even know what to say! I'm sorry. How are your journeys going, dear readers? I tell you what...mine hasn't just been a roller coaster ride...it's been a whole carnival full of rides! My ability to focus has basically gone kaput...example A. I began writing this a little after 6...it's been three hours...

To be honest, I was in the middle of making dinner when I started. Then, I had to finish dinner, eat dinner, watch season 9 premier of Doctor Who on the DVR, and then clean the kitchen...

Now I have to walk my dog.

Now I'm tired.

I'll be back tomorrow...

Hugs and love, my lovelies! I promise not to stay gone long!

Always,
Amy

Looking For Brighter Corners

My knee is still jacked up, and my ankle is most definitely still a little wonky...yes...wonky. I can't kick my feet in the swimming pool or sit criss cross apple sauce...I can't pull either leg up under the other while I'm sitting unless I want to feel a very uncomfortable pain afterwards. Can't kneel down, squat, or run...can't walk for very long without swelling up and hurting. Can't work. What the hell?! Jeez, I'm only 32!!! It sounds like the shittiest of situations, right? And, yes, like I told y'all before, I had been shaking my fists at the heavens and cursing the universe...but then I simmered down. I can still walk...I can move around independently...I can take care of myself...I can still go out and socialize. I have all of my senses and my health is pretty close to being very good if not excellent. Well, despite the depression and fatigue, but we're not talking about that right now! So yeah...it's all about perspective. I needed that time to cry and to be angry; to ask, "why me?" But, one must never stay there very long...one must intentionally look from another angle and see the different sides and the brighter corners. Find those spots, go to them, and they will help heal you.

Want to know what things are in my brighter corners? Words, colors, melodies...thoughts and images, lyrics that inspire, poems that make me look deeper...books, records, paints, pastels, and pencils...green tea and fresh fruit...whiskey and smoke...candles, incense, James Horner, Miles Davis, Beth Hart...a fun hat to wear as I write and type...coffee in the mug that was my grandma's...nature's chimes heard in the soft fall of raindrops...

When I started this blog, I wanted to share the art in my life along with the depression. Depression took the steering wheel for a long long time...I got tired of being the passenger. Some things do happen for a reason. This is where I'm supposed to be right now...to write, paint, draw, read, and enjoy some music...maybe this is a turning point for my dream of The Ro Fo Sho Art & Photography. I don't know how long this good feeling will last, but I'm going to enjoy it while I can...

Thanks for sticking with me, dear readers; I know I say it all the time, but I'm always ALWAYS going to be incredibly grateful.

Hugs and love, my lovelies,
Amy Ro Fo Sho

p.s. It's very important that I also share that this current situation would be completely different if I didn't have a loving and supportive husband. His patience and compassion throughout my struggles keeps me going, and I am unbelievably thankful for him...what on earth would I do without him?

Bam...Hitting the Brick Wall

Sometimes you're going a hundred miles an hour and all of a sudden you slam into a brick wall. It is especially upsetting when it took so long to even get started! You might find yourself questioning, "Can I please just get a break?!!!" This is the story of my last 9 days...

I started training for my new job, and after a rocky but pretty good start, I began to really enjoy it! And by my last day of learning the ropes, I was feeling extremely happy and optimistic about my future with this company. I had a little hiccup right before my last two days of training and sprained my right ankle...I was still able to go to work, but I had to wear a splint, and it was incredibly uncomfortable. I didn't let it bother me, though, because I knew I had a day off to rest, elevate, and ice it! On my way home from work, there was a rainbow, and it felt like a good sign...

Unfortunately, the night before my free day, my left knee went out on me. It's my bad knee and I've been having problems with it for more than a decade, so I initially didn't think anything of it...I was still able to walk and I figured I'd just be icing my knee with my ankle the following day. I spent the rest of the night talking with friends, bartenders, and strangers about how happy I was feeling...that I had been struggling for so long with my depression, but had started feeling so much better and was so excited for the future. That night I couldn't stop smiling and kept on thinking about that rainbow...I was on cloud nine!

Wednesday morning I woke up and could not walk...my knee was the most swollen it has ever been and every movement caused me to cry in pain. Y'all, I have a high tolerance for pain, so when I hurt so badly I'm bawling my eyes out (like when I had kidney stones), it means I am legit suffering! I couldn't take Kakashi out, and every little bit of pressure I tried putting on my left leg just to get through my home was excruciating...it felt unstable and I eventually fell back on to the couch a sobbing mess! My friend, Stephany, became my guardian angel and took me to the emergency room.

Apparently the weight I was putting on my left leg because of my hurt right ankle weakened my knee...I didn't realize how unevenly I had been distributing my weight all of these years. The doctor said I basically hyper extended it and sprained it, and he said, "I'll show you why..." My x-rays showed a bone spur from my initial injury back in 2004...he said that the ligaments on that side of my leg had been rubbing against that bone spur which limited my movement and affected the way I walked. Hurting my ankle set me up to test my opposite leg and knee, and I most definitely failed...

I cried and cried and cried. Stephany was comforting me and encouraging me; and I kept asking, "why?" Why couldn't I just have a little bit more time before facing my next challenge? Why did this happen now? Why must I suffer when I've only just begun to feel good again? I was finally beginning to heal mentally only to be knocked back down physically...why? Seriously...why???!!! Yes I know these things happen...yes I know it's life...yes I know to stay optimistic and positive...yes yes yes I know. But some of y'all have to know what I'm talking about. Right? There are those people we know who seem to have the best luck...everything always works out for them. And then there's me, and people like me...it feels like one obstacle after another...I just want a break. I want things to fall into place fore me...because you know...I've been working hard. I give myself the motivational pep talks...I try to encourage myself and others daily and on this blog...I'm always looking for the silver lining, and I do the best I can for other people. I treat life and this universe as a gift...something to be cherished...why does it feel like some force is constantly working against me?

Work has been understanding, but if I can't walk by Monday, I'm afraid of what could happen...photographers need to be able to move you know! My neighbors and my friend Stephany have been life savers...seriously I would be helpless without them! So shout out to Peggy, Elizabeth, Jared, and most recently Alexis...incredibly grateful for all the help! There will be cards and cookies for appreciation most definitely! I especially want to express my love and gratitude to Stephany...she has walked my dog, brought and cooked me food, tended to little needs, and even gave me a card...truly a guardian angel...thank you thank you thank you, dear friend...so much love for you!

So...in summary...I am grateful, appreciative, thankful, positive, optimistic, and blessed. But. I'm still pissed off...I really need a nice long string of good events...could the universe just be on my side for a little while?

Every person's struggle is different, but don't ever thing yours is not as important as the person's next to you...it's okay to simply be pissed off. You can be doing your very best and putting all of your love and light out in to the world...and sometimes life will still hit you on the ass. It sucks. Hugs and love, my lovelies, and may the universe give some love back to you as well!

Broken but still going...
Amy