Looking For Brighter Corners

My knee is still jacked up, and my ankle is most definitely still a little wonky...yes...wonky. I can't kick my feet in the swimming pool or sit criss cross apple sauce...I can't pull either leg up under the other while I'm sitting unless I want to feel a very uncomfortable pain afterwards. Can't kneel down, squat, or run...can't walk for very long without swelling up and hurting. Can't work. What the hell?! Jeez, I'm only 32!!! It sounds like the shittiest of situations, right? And, yes, like I told y'all before, I had been shaking my fists at the heavens and cursing the universe...but then I simmered down. I can still walk...I can move around independently...I can take care of myself...I can still go out and socialize. I have all of my senses and my health is pretty close to being very good if not excellent. Well, despite the depression and fatigue, but we're not talking about that right now! So yeah...it's all about perspective. I needed that time to cry and to be angry; to ask, "why me?" But, one must never stay there very long...one must intentionally look from another angle and see the different sides and the brighter corners. Find those spots, go to them, and they will help heal you.

Want to know what things are in my brighter corners? Words, colors, melodies...thoughts and images, lyrics that inspire, poems that make me look deeper...books, records, paints, pastels, and pencils...green tea and fresh fruit...whiskey and smoke...candles, incense, James Horner, Miles Davis, Beth Hart...a fun hat to wear as I write and type...coffee in the mug that was my grandma's...nature's chimes heard in the soft fall of raindrops...

When I started this blog, I wanted to share the art in my life along with the depression. Depression took the steering wheel for a long long time...I got tired of being the passenger. Some things do happen for a reason. This is where I'm supposed to be right now...to write, paint, draw, read, and enjoy some music...maybe this is a turning point for my dream of The Ro Fo Sho Art & Photography. I don't know how long this good feeling will last, but I'm going to enjoy it while I can...

Thanks for sticking with me, dear readers; I know I say it all the time, but I'm always ALWAYS going to be incredibly grateful.

Hugs and love, my lovelies,
Amy Ro Fo Sho

p.s. It's very important that I also share that this current situation would be completely different if I didn't have a loving and supportive husband. His patience and compassion throughout my struggles keeps me going, and I am unbelievably thankful for him...what on earth would I do without him?

Keep Talking

It's been four days since my public display of misery, and...I'm just...seriously just in awe of the responses I've received! I knew y'all would lift me up, and I swear, your prayers and thoughts are doing work...like a troop of invisible warriors helping my soul fight the darkness inside me! I'm feeling better every day, and I'm feeling more optimistic...my attitude is bolstered by your kindness, dear ones! I wish that all those who suffer with depression and other mental illnesses could have people like you all in their lives...it's heart breaking thinking about the ones who suffer alone. I know I don't even have to ask, but just in case, please remember to keep all who live with depression and such in mind.

A friend of mine asked what I did this past weekend, and I told him that I dealt with crippling sorrow and wrote about it on my blog and talked with friends and family who reached out to me after reading it. He said, "Don't be sad! Just be happy!" Of course, I explained that the chemicals in my brain need more than words for that to happen and that writing about it and sharing it helped me feel better, but it's only a part of the path towards healing. I don't believe he was trying to be mean, but he did ask if I talked about it so much because I wanted the attention. My response was that I don't need the attention, but the topic needs attention. I need support and love and encouragement from the people in my life on a personal level. Depression and mental illness need attention and conversation because it's a widespread situation, and the only time we hear anything about it is when a celebrity commits suicide or a pilot crashes a plane!

I've been told by several people that I am brave to speak so openly about my life with clinical depression...hearing that gives me somewhat of a greater resolve to keep on doing it, but it is mostly very humbling. The stigma and fear society attaches to this topic isn't fair! It shouldn't have to be brave to have an open dialogue, it should be normal and accepted to discuss what we live with just like someone would with cancer or diabetes and other diseases. Living with mental illness doesn't make me less or inadequate...I'm not a mistake of nature; I shouldn't feel like an outcast! Luckily for me, I don't feel these things, but I know it's not the case for most people. Should anyone ever tell me that maybe I should be a little quieter and maybe not talk about it so much, well, I'll only get louder and maybe even throw up a middle finger if I'm feeling feisty!

I know I sound better to you all, and I do feel better. But please understand that it takes time to find and feel the light again...and I'm no where close to being completely there yet! Right now, my couch looks so inviting, and I love the peacefulness of sleep. However, I'm going to take Kakashi out to the pond and write a bit in my notebook. What I'm trying to get across here is that even the littlest of choices like deciding between a nap and a walk in the sunlight can be tough. Some of you might decide to just stay on the couch or in bed and some of you might summon the energy to get up. Every day will be a challenge. I want to feel good again, and at least for today, I'm going to go sit outside in the sunshine.

Thank you again, dear readers, for staying with me on this journey...I'm here for you too! Email me if you need or want to talk - amyrofosho@gmailcom.

Hugs and love, my lovelies!
Amy

Here are a couple of photos of one of my favorite spots and of a poem I wrote yesterday.

Leaving This Place for the 3rd Time aka Last Time

Sitting in the furniture aisle at work. Shoppers shuffling their feet as they walk by. Happy children and screaming children.

Advertisements blaring. Florescent lights glaring.

I've worked for this company two times before. I'm the best at what I do. Over qualified really...but it just makes it easier.

Head is steadily aching. Nerve is gradually breaking.

I leave in less than three weeks. I will not work for this company again.

Big retailers are getting more greedy. Customers are getting more needy.

This third time here, not at all a charm. But I've met good people. Brought joy to my customers. Been inspired by others.

So long 1 hour photo lab.
I've got some dreams to grab!

Hello dear ones! Yes...yes I am blogging at work haha! These last few days have been challenging...hence the inspiration for my little...a bit cheesy...poem.

I've got some work to do after I leave here...boring practical things. But before I find another job, I'm going to do some renovating on The Ro Fo Sho! And that means from working on my own health to truly dedicating myself to my art and my blog. I forsee the more than mediocre life I've always wanted...part of it has been that way thus far but I know the majority will soon be taken over! And thank heavens for my husband! I couldn't do it without my hard working, supportive, not to mention devilishly good lookin' man!

Making changes and still kicking depression butt! We just have to...don't let depression, whether clinical, situational, or temporary, keep you from your dreams for too long. Otherwise, it takes longer to start seeing the possibility of those dreams coming true!

Hugs and love, my lovelies!
The Ro Fo Sho

Bad Roller Coaster Ride

"Bad Roller Coaster Ride"

In the dark; in the shadows,
I get lost.
Who I am, I no longer know.
Feelings altered; words I wouldnt' say;
What happened?
Looks like I've lost another day.

This can be a lonely life,
The worst roller coaster ride.
I need you to understand.
This, all of this mess,
Is too often out of my hands.

I wish it would have been me,
To tell you.
Concern, detachment, worrying,
Hurt feelings, reacting the wrong way;
I'm sorry.
It all diffused inside the gray.

This can be a lonely life,
The worst roller coaster ride.
I need you to understand.
This, all of this mess,
Is too often out of my hands.

But I will take control, I will.
Before I lose myself, I'll reclaim,
The woman I use to know..

Some will forgive; some give compassion,
But not always.
Others are angry, bad reactions,
Hearts broken, reality crashes,
It's over.
My apologies, my explanations
There's nothing else for me to say.

This can be a lonely life,
The worst roller coaster ride.
I need you to understand.
This, all of this mess,
Is too often out of my hands.

A poem for lost and broken friendships. Hugs and love, my lovelies!

Amy