Quiet Peaceful Day and Night

Blogging from my phone but not using the blogger app...so we'll see how this goes! Today was gray and rainy from the beginning and on...and I loved it! I watched episodes of Doctor Who and ate Eggo waffles and drank French vanilla coffee. A friend reached out to me from a dark place in her depression and I hope I gave her some comfort; I tried my best...words can only do so much as we all know. Tonight, I listened to my Beth Hart (Better Than Home) record and then my Miles Davis (Some Kind of Blues) record...ending with jazz on Pandora radio. Most of the lights were off and my candles and incense were lit...green mint tea in my Doctor Who teapot...the rain still chiming lightly and quietly along with my music...peace and relaxation...and A Beautiful Mess Happy Mail for inspiration and encouragement. Tonight was quiet...the first time I've really been alone in a long time with my friend and roommate on her way to California and my husband at work standing duty...just Kakashi and me. My day was simply peaceful...and so be it the word of the day! My friend had an extremely tough day with her depression and it always breaks my heart when those I love suffer...I hope she finds rest tonight and a brighter tomorrow. And for all of you who might have also had a terrible day with your mental illness, hugs and love from me, my lovelies...I'll keep praying for better days for all of you. Remember the things you loved to do before your depression? I know it's difficult making the effort to do those things again...but it really does help if you can. Maybe you use to sing or dance to the radio...or read outside or play guitar...try to find pleasure in them once more. I usually stray from doing any kind of art during my down days...sometimes months go by before I pick up a pastel or paintbrush. But when I start again, I always wonder why I stayed away from it for so long! Art makes me so incredibly happy...even if I'm expressing something angry or sad, I love having an outlet for my emotions; an outlet that is fun and fulfilling. Anyway...just wanted to throw that out there and share some pics of my night with jazz, tea, and art...

Goodnight, dear readers,
Amy

Screeeech....Crash!

This has to be quick; I'm just checking in really! The title of this post may sound familiar...think back on "Bam...Hitting the Brick Wall," and even as far back as "Depression Derailment...Ding Ding Ding!!!" There was a part two to that last one, but you get the picture! I'm just trying to tell y'all that life was moving along fluidly and pieces were falling into place, and then suddenly at the last possible moment the breaks were slammed and I screeched off my path and on to a new one! So! As I'm sure y'all can imagine, this caused a hiccup in my handling of my depression, and we all know how difficult it is to pick up and get going again...but I'm getting there...I'm recovery more quickly this time, so that is something I feel good about. Anyway! My plan is to get on here tomorrow and update y'all with the latest and greatest...but we'll see. All I wanted today was to say hello and I'll be back soon...life with depression and other mental illnesses can simply be unpredictable sometimes. I hope you are all well and wonderful! Hugs and love, my lovelies!

Peace out!
The Ro Fo Sho

Halloweenin' the House

I LOVE Halloween!!! And I have a weakness for Halloween decorations!!! Sadly, my bank account and credit cards are still recovering from last year's purchases haha! Anywho! I never share pictures of my decor in time...it's always belated and irrelevant I suppose you could say. So! I'm going to share some photos of some of my favorite pieces...these are snapshots from last year, so the arrangement is different, but who cares haha!

 

So I might have shared these last year, but I don't have the energy to go back and check...and if you do..well all the power to ya! I'll snap some cell shots of a couple of other fun things I have hanging up later...Mr. Ghosty and Mr. Bones...they were handed down to me from my mama. Again, I don't have the energy or inclination to do that right now...I'm lazy sometimes.

Example A:

This is me right now...blogging and drinking Malbec out of my Halloween glass...hair is a mess...keepin' it real, my friends...

I have lots more to talk about, but I want to keep this post light and carefree...a breath of fresh air is nice every now and then. The encouragement and feedback I received from my last post was, as always, wonderfully humbling and beautiful...we'll talk more about it later...just know how grateful I will always be for y'all...

What will you all be dressing up as for Halloween? I'm not sure what I'll be, but I'm pretty sure it will involve fake blood and crazy hair...'cause it's more fun that way!

Hugs and love, my lovelies!

Love y'all so much!

Amy

The Discussion Stays Open...

I've been working quite a bit...doing the housewife thing during the day and then going to my new job at night. My focus and energy have been on the new job, so my house work has most definitely suffered...still trying to find the right balance. So far I want to sleep as late as possible, then watch TV and be as lazy as possible, then get ready for work and go...this is obviously not going to be beneficial in any way. In addition to balancing paid work and house work, I need to make time for my art and for writing! Sprinkle in some depression and fatigue...well...y'all know the challenge...

Speaking of which! A couple of my very best of friends have been experiencing depression recently and the question I've gotten from both of them is, "How do you live feeling like this?" I know the initial weight when first confronting depression...the confusion and sadness and hopelessness and utter heart break...the tears and anger. It absolutely shatters me knowing that people I love are experiencing these emotions! And I wish I could give advice and answers that could crash through their darkness like the most intense ray of light imaginable! How have I lived the last 17 years of my life? Three factors. My mama has been on this journey with me since the beginning. The onslaught of emotions that left me staggering in soul wrenching bewilderment were very quickly identified by my mama...she knew exactly what was happening to me because she had been through it herself, so I've always had her support and guidance. The other two factors are a bit of a disappointment to hear, but the truth sometimes is...time and experience. I have had over a decade and a half to figure out how to live my life with an almost constant presence of darkness...a lingering shadow that has become a dark companion you could say...I've made wrong and right choices and decisions while in it's company, and I have learned what works and doesn't work. Drinking excessively does not work. Sleeping for days does not work. Shutting people out does not work. Opening all the blinds and letting light in helps. Talking about my feelings with a good friend or family member helps. Eating good healthy foods and taking walks in the sunshine help. Keep in mind, even though I know what I should and shouldn't do, it doesn't mean I always follow my own advice. But, it will be different for each individuals journey. I will keep writing about it and talking about it openly...I will continue to be encouraging...I will continue to share my ups and downs...the discussion stays open here.

I will find a balance in my life, and I will make a genuine effort to write much more...I'm so sorry for the long periods of silence! I know y'all understand how it goes with mental illness, but I believe I live with this for a purpose...my purpose is to be a voice. To dismiss stigmas and misunderstanding and to force people to confront it and talk about it. And, I don't mean every once in a while; I mean constantly!

Alrightythen! Well! I wasn't sure which direction this was going to go when I started writing, but the passion for this topic suddenly became overwhelming! My thoughts seemed to flow effortlessly from my mind to my fingertips on this keyboard...thank you for listening, dear ones.

Being able to talk openly about my life with y'all is a part of my treatment...it's something that helps heal me. I am grateful that you take time to read and understand...

Hugs and love, my lovelies,
Amy

Damn Down Days...

Ugh. I had a decent amount written up, but somehow it did not save...it's all gone...and I don't have the energy to try and remember and retype it all. So instead, I'm going to bombard y'all with pictures...a summary of sorts from my birthday weekend...

There you go...33 and a red head again...good times! Shout out to Bri, Elizabeth, Stephany, Danielle, Lyssa, my bonus family, and my beloved for the gifts, and treats, and well wishes...y'all made me feel loved!

I'm so blah right now!!! I have this uneasy sinking feeling in my stomach right now, and I can't figure it out. I've started training for a new job that I was initially extremely excited about...now I don't know if I'm nervous or afraid of failing or just plain uncomfortable. I wish I could figure it out. I kind of just want to cry...I feel like how I usually do when my depression is dominating in my life. It's just this feeling of...dread...I can't stand it! Do any of you ever feel like that? Anyone have any secret magical fixes or cures?

Three and a half hours until I have to be at work for training...all I want to do is curl up and sleep. The word of the day is definitely down.

Hope y'all are having a much better day...hugs and love, my lovelies!

Still kickin'!
The Ro Fo Sho

Depression, Fatigue, and Busted Knee...Oh my!

Let's play catch up! I'm struggling to get my groove back here...everything I want to share is a jumbled mess, and I can't seem to sort through it very well. So let me give y'all a rundown on my health...get the not so fun stuff out of the way!

First! My depression is currently under control, manageable, tolerable...in check I suppose you could say. There were some major ups and downs during my absence with the approach of my husband's homecoming, homecoming itself, and the adjustment period of having my husband home. I'll have to write about that sometime...a depression and deployment part three post, or whatever number I was on. Still taking 60mg of Prozac every morning, but I'm not taking the 50mg of Trazadone every night like I had been doing. I'll take the Trazadone when I know I can sleep in the next morning because it takes a while to get out of my system. I eat lots of veggies and get as much sun as I can, and these are huge contributors to managing my depression! Every day is a challenge...some days are easier than others...but this a life with depression! Ultimately, you will be the only person who can decide what kind of life you want to have while living with a mental illness.

Fatigue. Ugh. I did a sleep study...that was an adventure! Nothing like sleeping with wires hooked up and stuck all over knowing that people are watching you and monitoring you in the most vulnerable situations of human existence hahahaha!!! Ha. The thing that sucks the most, however, is the goopey sticky gooey stuff left in the hair that kept all the sensors and such attached. Anyway! Miserable story short, I have "mild obstructive sleep apnea with oxygen desaturation" and qualify for a CPAP machine. I've yet to get the machine, but it seems to be my last hope for solving this horrible problem I have with extreme exhaustion! Just to remind y'all...I've been struggling with fatigue since 2003 and during the last 12 years, I've tried a couple of things. I was giving myself B12 shots on a daily basis for a while..yep...shots...needles...it's okay it didn't hurt at all and I have no problems with that kind of stuff anyway. Then I was taking a weekly dose of Vitamin D of 50,000 units for a few months. My blood work eventually showed above average numbers for B12 and D, but the fatigue still dominated. I'll let y'all know if there are any improvements after I've been on the machine for a little while!

The last thing to catch y'all up on is my knee! After physical therapy and months of waiting to see an actual orthopedic doctor, this is what I found out...actually...let me try and quote the doc...

"Um. Yeeeah. Your knee cap....is...not where it's supposed to be." He demonstrates with his hands how my knee cap is supposed to to be sitting and how it's actually a bit off the mark, and then he says, "and you have severe arthritis behind your knee cap. I'm going to need an MRI first to figure out exactly what...I need to do..."

Got the MRI done and my follow up with the ortho doc is October 1st...stay tuned my friends! Here's a picture of me with my jacked up knee getting a thumbs down!

So there's the latest and greatest, dear readers! I'm slowly but surely getting answers...the key is to stay proactive about it all, you know? Hopefully I'll get some kind of rhythm going again soon, but until then...thank y'all for sticking with me like you do...think I might go take a nap now...

Hugs and love, my lovelies!
Peace out,
Rof Fo Sho

I'm still here!

Oh my goodness...it's been a minute...or 3 months...I don't even know what to say! I'm sorry. How are your journeys going, dear readers? I tell you what...mine hasn't just been a roller coaster ride...it's been a whole carnival full of rides! My ability to focus has basically gone kaput...example A. I began writing this a little after 6...it's been three hours...

To be honest, I was in the middle of making dinner when I started. Then, I had to finish dinner, eat dinner, watch season 9 premier of Doctor Who on the DVR, and then clean the kitchen...

Now I have to walk my dog.

Now I'm tired.

I'll be back tomorrow...

Hugs and love, my lovelies! I promise not to stay gone long!

Always,
Amy