Deployment and Depression Part 2

Some of you may be wondering how my husband's deployment may be affecting my depression. Deployment is a difficult time for any spouse, family, or friend of a service member regardless of having a mental illness or not. Everyone handles and deals with this time in their own way, and I once talked about my plan for how I would be approaching it; you can read that here! Good plans don't always come to fruition, unfortunately, but I tend to keep that in mind any time I put steps and goals in place for guidance. I've done pretty well with sticking with my little outline of sorts, but there was something I couldn't have prepared for. At the end of that entry I wrote, "I am aware that I need to be the strongest I can be before deployment gets here. I will be. That's the only thing I need to say...I will be..." Then my grandma died nine days before my husband ventured across the sea. I was in Oklahoma without my husband, and my grandma died, and then my husband had to leave. I was not my strongest before he left...I was my weakest.

Well...I thought I was at my weakest moment...it's so shattering to think that you can't feel any more awful than you do...but it happens anyway. I grieved with my family for about six weeks, and then I came home to an empty place, and I went down even deeper than I thought I possibly could! I miss my husband, but, to be honest, I'm relieved he doesn't have to see me like this. I've gained weight and I haven't gotten a job yet, and I haven't been able to draw or paint anything at all or even enjoy my photography...I've been an empty shell since he's been gone, and I don't want him to see me this way. Many military spouses will tell you that as bad as we might feel and whatever problems we might face, we're not the ones deployed. I'd like to say "we," but I dare not offend...so I'll just say me...I feel guilty for feeling the way I do when my husband is the one over seas in harms way eating terrible ship food and living where he works. What right do I have to complain? Right? No no no...I know my feelings are valid. But, I don't tell him about how badly I've been doing; I do try to stay cheerful and upbeat for him. I mean, I'll tell him a little bit about what I'm going through, but I don't linger too long in my worries...I try not to anyway!

So! Deployment sucks, and I miss my husband and our friends from the ship. I know that this contributes to my depression, but I can honestly say this: I would still be going through what I'm currently experiencing even without the deployment. This downward spiral started long before Grandma's passing and Tom's leaving. My illness is chemical and psychological...those are things I can only control so much. The heart breaks on the outside just make it harder; they make it worse. My husband couldn't help me even if he were here right now; he would be a comfort and a physical show of support, strength, and love...but my battle is with myself...ultimately, I am the one who will win this war inside me. I am armed with the thoughts and prayers of so many, and I am determined to be better for myself and for my husband.

Hugs and love, my lovelies!
Ro Fo Sho

p.s. Here's a little pic of my husband, grandma, and me on our wedding day...
(Photography by Christi Brown)

 

Dress Whites In The Bright Light

Aagh! Writer's block! Not cool! I just want to share a few photos of my husband and other sailors and his ship, but I can't think of a creative way of writing about it...it just keeps sounding like an informative newspaper article! Nothing wrong with informative newspaper articles by the way. They're very necessary...but not the style I wanna use right now. I know! I'll just ramble about my emotions and observations...I do enjoy a good ramble every now and then! Before I babble on and on, I would like to bring attention to my use of the exclamation punctuation!!! See? Like that back there yonder. I just want y'all to know that I'm genuinely expressing more excitement in those sentences, so I recommend you read them with enthusiasm! Don't let me make you do anything you don't want to do though...feel free to read in monotone if you're more comfortable with that...no judgement. Hahahaha I make myself chuckle sometimes. Anywho! Sailors, ships, water, and such...

 I call this his pretty face haha!

 Don't we look good together?

 Our friends, Zac and Elizabeth.

 The most popular photo I took this day. It was hilarious trying to make this work!

 Tom and his ship...in case you missed that.

 Sooo...I totally wore the wrong shirt...I hate how I look!

 She's like a little sister to me; love her!

 Mr. Attitude! You'd think he'd be used to being married to a photographer!

 Our friend, and roommate, Bri...she likes weird faces in photos too!

The U.S.S. Iwo Jima changed home ports from Norfolk to Mayport, and my husband, and the other sailors you see, drove down before the ship. It was definitely more fun hanging out with them as the ship docked, rather than waiting for them if they had already been on the ship. Whoa I just wrote ship excessively...well it's a shippy post so we'll have to deal! But dang I felt bad for them! It was so uncomfortably hot! Seriously hot hot hot!!! Those uniforms are not light and breezy...not that I've ever worn one, but to the touch they are thick and irritating feeling. When you hear some of the stories they share, I imagine that the discomfort in those uniforms is way down on the list of complaints.

I hear quite a bit of "stuff" that happens on their ship, and it makes me very angry and frustrated for the Sailors. In all honesty there are several things about the military and the treatment of service members that bug me! However, I won't get on that soap box! Despite the negative feelings I have, I can't help but feel a kind of pride with the whole experience of being part of the military community. Seeing my husband in uniform, knowing and being friends with other Sailors, being in the presence of an enormous and powerful ship, watching children run to their daddies or mommies, and even listening to the great and not so great speeches from the higher ups, all bring a sense of joy to the air around me and even a joy inside me! It's a unique experience, and I'm grateful for that.

Back to the uniforms! My husband doesn't like his dress whites or blues, and none of his and our friends have ever expressed anything positive about them. It's a simple uniform, but I still think Tom looks good...real real good if ya know what I mean wink wink! :) Haha anyway, he's always my sexy husband, but moving on. Everyone knows that the Marines have the best looking dress uniforms...why can't Navy have nicer ones? That's just my opinion anyway. Okay so I'm running out of rambling material so I'll wrap this up! I'll leave you with a few more photos of my crush! Also, let me give you a heads up! Next I will be writing about living with depression and being a military spouse...lots to say there so stay tuned ;)

Enjoy Hump Day and hugs and love, my lovelies!

Peace Out!

Amy

Home

this is the last picture of me in front of the home i grew up in...i took it the day before i left oklahoma to come back to illinois. kakashi and i were in norman...my home town, for a month. about 2 years prior to this last day, my parents learned that their home was being foreclosed. for those 2 years, they were contacted by the mortgage company a few times trying to work out payment options they could handle...options to avoid the foreclosure...but they never panned out. and then most recently, there was the obama bail out option. this was what my parents were waiting to hear about right when i left for illinois. the week i came home to visit, they found out that the bail out wasn't happening for them...the options were out the door...the foreclosure was continuing. the week i came home to oklahoma, i found out that the home i grew up in would be up for the sheriff's sale august 3rd. there are things about this trip home that i want to write about...but tonight...my first entry back in illinois...i want to write about this place.

i was in kindergarten when we moved there...my parents found this place because it was close to my elementary school...a quaint little country school out by lake thunderbird. our home was just right down the street from lake thunderbird. we lived on two and half acres surrounded by thick woods...we couldn't even see our neighbors and didn't have to if we didn't want to! my siblings and friends and i explored the woods and created medieval worlds and fantasy lands full of magic and adventure. we were completely sheltered by trees...there was always a spot for shade...a perfect place to throw a blanket down and journal or draw or play guitar...just daydream or watch the clouds through the leaves. at night the stars were bright little crystals burning so clear in the sky. all i'm doing now is summarizing...i could go way in to depth over all these little bits... and i will have to someday. because when i think about all the stories i have from this place, my memories feel full of magic. i'll have to delve more in to each one...paint the pictures i hold in my head with all the beautiful strokes and colors...it really was such a special place!

for a time i wanted to live in town...have a sidewalk to ride a bike on. not be surrounded by ticks! be closer to the action i suppose. but i appreciated the country life more and more as i got older. while i was home, i got to spend a couple of nights there and even take a couple of naps in my parents bed. sleeping there wasn't like it use to be since i didn't have my own room anymore. but the naps in my parents room were so peaceful. i could smell my mama on her pillow...remembered sneaking in to their bed when i was too afraid of the dark. i'm grateful for those last moments there.



my sister and her husband and son joined me out here with our parents on my last night in oklahoma (my brother was out with his girlfriend...little turd!). we shot off some leftover fireworks, ate spaghetti, played with my nephew, and simply visited. the minutes ticked by and i became more and more emotional as my departure time approached. the flood gates opened when i said goodbye to my sister and nephew...jackson's four year old mind doesn't quite grasp the distance and time apart in my new reality and it makes it tougher for me. and of course i'm always worrying about my sister. i hugged my parents about three times each:) it was hard to walk out that door. they stayed in the doorway as i backed out of the driveway and out in to the street...i drove away crying knowing that it was the last time i would leave that place and drive down that road. i'm not exaggerating at all when i say that this was my hardest goodbye.


now i have to think about oklahoma as being where i am from and focus on establishing "my home" wherever i am. this can be challenging considering that tommy, kakashi, and i are officially a military family...and will most definitely be relocating a few times! however, being away from tommy for a month and being so anxious to return to him helped me put my finger on something. very simply...tommy is home. wherever he is...whenever we are together...that is home. but...my oh my...i'm going to miss this house my parents made in to such a beautiful place to grow up in!