Deployment and Depression Part 2

Some of you may be wondering how my husband's deployment may be affecting my depression. Deployment is a difficult time for any spouse, family, or friend of a service member regardless of having a mental illness or not. Everyone handles and deals with this time in their own way, and I once talked about my plan for how I would be approaching it; you can read that here! Good plans don't always come to fruition, unfortunately, but I tend to keep that in mind any time I put steps and goals in place for guidance. I've done pretty well with sticking with my little outline of sorts, but there was something I couldn't have prepared for. At the end of that entry I wrote, "I am aware that I need to be the strongest I can be before deployment gets here. I will be. That's the only thing I need to say...I will be..." Then my grandma died nine days before my husband ventured across the sea. I was in Oklahoma without my husband, and my grandma died, and then my husband had to leave. I was not my strongest before he left...I was my weakest.

Well...I thought I was at my weakest moment...it's so shattering to think that you can't feel any more awful than you do...but it happens anyway. I grieved with my family for about six weeks, and then I came home to an empty place, and I went down even deeper than I thought I possibly could! I miss my husband, but, to be honest, I'm relieved he doesn't have to see me like this. I've gained weight and I haven't gotten a job yet, and I haven't been able to draw or paint anything at all or even enjoy my photography...I've been an empty shell since he's been gone, and I don't want him to see me this way. Many military spouses will tell you that as bad as we might feel and whatever problems we might face, we're not the ones deployed. I'd like to say "we," but I dare not offend...so I'll just say me...I feel guilty for feeling the way I do when my husband is the one over seas in harms way eating terrible ship food and living where he works. What right do I have to complain? Right? No no no...I know my feelings are valid. But, I don't tell him about how badly I've been doing; I do try to stay cheerful and upbeat for him. I mean, I'll tell him a little bit about what I'm going through, but I don't linger too long in my worries...I try not to anyway!

So! Deployment sucks, and I miss my husband and our friends from the ship. I know that this contributes to my depression, but I can honestly say this: I would still be going through what I'm currently experiencing even without the deployment. This downward spiral started long before Grandma's passing and Tom's leaving. My illness is chemical and psychological...those are things I can only control so much. The heart breaks on the outside just make it harder; they make it worse. My husband couldn't help me even if he were here right now; he would be a comfort and a physical show of support, strength, and love...but my battle is with myself...ultimately, I am the one who will win this war inside me. I am armed with the thoughts and prayers of so many, and I am determined to be better for myself and for my husband.

Hugs and love, my lovelies!
Ro Fo Sho

p.s. Here's a little pic of my husband, grandma, and me on our wedding day...
(Photography by Christi Brown)

 

Dress Whites In The Bright Light

Aagh! Writer's block! Not cool! I just want to share a few photos of my husband and other sailors and his ship, but I can't think of a creative way of writing about it...it just keeps sounding like an informative newspaper article! Nothing wrong with informative newspaper articles by the way. They're very necessary...but not the style I wanna use right now. I know! I'll just ramble about my emotions and observations...I do enjoy a good ramble every now and then! Before I babble on and on, I would like to bring attention to my use of the exclamation punctuation!!! See? Like that back there yonder. I just want y'all to know that I'm genuinely expressing more excitement in those sentences, so I recommend you read them with enthusiasm! Don't let me make you do anything you don't want to do though...feel free to read in monotone if you're more comfortable with that...no judgement. Hahahaha I make myself chuckle sometimes. Anywho! Sailors, ships, water, and such...

 I call this his pretty face haha!

 Don't we look good together?

 Our friends, Zac and Elizabeth.

 The most popular photo I took this day. It was hilarious trying to make this work!

 Tom and his ship...in case you missed that.

 Sooo...I totally wore the wrong shirt...I hate how I look!

 She's like a little sister to me; love her!

 Mr. Attitude! You'd think he'd be used to being married to a photographer!

 Our friend, and roommate, Bri...she likes weird faces in photos too!

The U.S.S. Iwo Jima changed home ports from Norfolk to Mayport, and my husband, and the other sailors you see, drove down before the ship. It was definitely more fun hanging out with them as the ship docked, rather than waiting for them if they had already been on the ship. Whoa I just wrote ship excessively...well it's a shippy post so we'll have to deal! But dang I felt bad for them! It was so uncomfortably hot! Seriously hot hot hot!!! Those uniforms are not light and breezy...not that I've ever worn one, but to the touch they are thick and irritating feeling. When you hear some of the stories they share, I imagine that the discomfort in those uniforms is way down on the list of complaints.

I hear quite a bit of "stuff" that happens on their ship, and it makes me very angry and frustrated for the Sailors. In all honesty there are several things about the military and the treatment of service members that bug me! However, I won't get on that soap box! Despite the negative feelings I have, I can't help but feel a kind of pride with the whole experience of being part of the military community. Seeing my husband in uniform, knowing and being friends with other Sailors, being in the presence of an enormous and powerful ship, watching children run to their daddies or mommies, and even listening to the great and not so great speeches from the higher ups, all bring a sense of joy to the air around me and even a joy inside me! It's a unique experience, and I'm grateful for that.

Back to the uniforms! My husband doesn't like his dress whites or blues, and none of his and our friends have ever expressed anything positive about them. It's a simple uniform, but I still think Tom looks good...real real good if ya know what I mean wink wink! :) Haha anyway, he's always my sexy husband, but moving on. Everyone knows that the Marines have the best looking dress uniforms...why can't Navy have nicer ones? That's just my opinion anyway. Okay so I'm running out of rambling material so I'll wrap this up! I'll leave you with a few more photos of my crush! Also, let me give you a heads up! Next I will be writing about living with depression and being a military spouse...lots to say there so stay tuned ;)

Enjoy Hump Day and hugs and love, my lovelies!

Peace Out!

Amy

The Rejuvenation of Love

here is the picture i have talked about before signifying the change in my marriage. here is where i showed you a drawing that represented the turmoil i was feeling earlier in my marriage. i chose to use color, not because i feel like grays and blacks represent sadder times necessarily, but because it just seemed fresher to have color with this refreshing feeling! :) it took me FOREVER to complete this drawing due to the constant attention my puppy demands! but i'm happy with the way it turned out and okay with how long it took...in the end it was worth it!

this past weekend was memorial weekend, and i was super excited to have tommy with me for 3 days! he's gone at least 84 hours monday through friday with navy business such as school and duty days...inspections and physical tests...it's a lot of time apart and i hate it! when the weekend comes (as long as he doesn't have duty), that's all the time we really get to spend together! because of the holiday, he was off friday and would have been yesterday had he not had duty...oh well! we had the weekend at least:) the weather was complete shit which was frustrating but we made the most of it...i cooked hamburgers in the skillet...we had peach cobbler and ice cream...we spent time outside with kakashi...watched movies...played wordfeud on our phones against each other and peggle on the xbox...drank whiskey in sun drop soda and shared black and milds...played catch and tug with kakashi...kissed a lot:) it was a great weekend together!

now i'm lookin' forward to 2 weeks and 2 days...i will be traveling back to oklahoma with kakashi for a little visit with family and friends and our infamous annual river trip:) i'm really really really looking forward to this trip! it'll be a new experience for me as far as traveling...i will be driving and it will be about twice the longest distance i've driven before...and i will have a 6 month old puppy with me! yikes! it'll be okay...i'm a defensive and aggressive driver;) i will be so happy to see the people i love...but i can't help feeling sad to be leaving tommy for so long...and i can't help feeling sad knowing that when i leave oklahoma and come back to illinois, it'll be about 6 months before i get to go home again. this whole gettin' married and movin' away thing is a little tough! i love tommy and would go anywhere with him...but it's hard being away from family and friends. it's just weird! well anywho! kakashi is bein' chill right now so i really need to do some cleaning and try to be productive while he doesn't necessarily need me right now lol! :)

An Uncertain Future

i'm working on a new prisma color drawing that will signify the change in my marriage. yep... writing about the marriage a little bit now:) i've always heard from the ambiguous "they" that the first year of marriage can be challenging...and that when you add the military, the level of the challenge intensifies! however, with every bit of marital advice i've received, there has been the constant disclaimer that every marriage is different...and i respect that and appreciate that awareness. it adds credibility to the advice in my opinion...my opinion being my own of course:) i have not been given any bad advice on the topic of marriage...so thank you to all of you who have offered such great pointers!

to be 100% honest here...i was afraid that it wasn't going to work with tommy and me. he doesn't really like me being so open about our personal affairs with such a large audience as the internet, but i think it's important to talk about the transition from bad to good because maybe it could give some random person in the universe hope in his or her own life. basically...i wondered if i was missing out on a better life...if maybe we just weren't the very best for each other...that there was someone better out there for each of us. it was a difficult and dark time...but to make a longish story short...we had some counseling and we communicated with each other and we broke down some walls and confronted some issues together. we pushed and challenged each other...and when it came to a point of changing or leaving...we found compromise and a love that couldn't be broken. it has been tested...and it has passed. we made our way to the other side. i guess i'm being a little vague. but if anyone reads this looking for hope...trust me...if it's strong enough...if that love is dominating enough...there will be a solution...there will be healing. and i'm a very...very happy woman now. and i love my husband like i did the first moment i realized i was in love with him...but an infinite times more! :)

i expressed our turmoil through art of course. i won't explain my exact feelings on what it represented...i think the viewer will construct their own story. but this is when i was afraid for our future...i look forward to sharing the current drawing that expresses a new hope when it is completed:) this one is "an uncertain future"






the 2 hearts entwined in the spiral together has been the symbol i created for tommy and me since our engagement. it will be seen throughout my art...so there's a nice revelation for anyone interested in the meanings of my future creations...the entwined hearts will always be tommy and me. and now you know...our journey together will be expressed forever in what i create. it will be a nice little adventure when i start adding other hearts to that symbol...that's a couple of years down the road just so y'all know:)