Deployment and Depression Part 2

Some of you may be wondering how my husband's deployment may be affecting my depression. Deployment is a difficult time for any spouse, family, or friend of a service member regardless of having a mental illness or not. Everyone handles and deals with this time in their own way, and I once talked about my plan for how I would be approaching it; you can read that here! Good plans don't always come to fruition, unfortunately, but I tend to keep that in mind any time I put steps and goals in place for guidance. I've done pretty well with sticking with my little outline of sorts, but there was something I couldn't have prepared for. At the end of that entry I wrote, "I am aware that I need to be the strongest I can be before deployment gets here. I will be. That's the only thing I need to say...I will be..." Then my grandma died nine days before my husband ventured across the sea. I was in Oklahoma without my husband, and my grandma died, and then my husband had to leave. I was not my strongest before he left...I was my weakest.

Well...I thought I was at my weakest moment...it's so shattering to think that you can't feel any more awful than you do...but it happens anyway. I grieved with my family for about six weeks, and then I came home to an empty place, and I went down even deeper than I thought I possibly could! I miss my husband, but, to be honest, I'm relieved he doesn't have to see me like this. I've gained weight and I haven't gotten a job yet, and I haven't been able to draw or paint anything at all or even enjoy my photography...I've been an empty shell since he's been gone, and I don't want him to see me this way. Many military spouses will tell you that as bad as we might feel and whatever problems we might face, we're not the ones deployed. I'd like to say "we," but I dare not offend...so I'll just say me...I feel guilty for feeling the way I do when my husband is the one over seas in harms way eating terrible ship food and living where he works. What right do I have to complain? Right? No no no...I know my feelings are valid. But, I don't tell him about how badly I've been doing; I do try to stay cheerful and upbeat for him. I mean, I'll tell him a little bit about what I'm going through, but I don't linger too long in my worries...I try not to anyway!

So! Deployment sucks, and I miss my husband and our friends from the ship. I know that this contributes to my depression, but I can honestly say this: I would still be going through what I'm currently experiencing even without the deployment. This downward spiral started long before Grandma's passing and Tom's leaving. My illness is chemical and psychological...those are things I can only control so much. The heart breaks on the outside just make it harder; they make it worse. My husband couldn't help me even if he were here right now; he would be a comfort and a physical show of support, strength, and love...but my battle is with myself...ultimately, I am the one who will win this war inside me. I am armed with the thoughts and prayers of so many, and I am determined to be better for myself and for my husband.

Hugs and love, my lovelies!
Ro Fo Sho

p.s. Here's a little pic of my husband, grandma, and me on our wedding day...
(Photography by Christi Brown)

 

Deployment and Depression

The time has come for me to talk about living with depression and being the wife to my handsome husband, my Sailor. We've been through several under ways and one deployment since our marriage. The second deployment is approaching. Depression during these absences is one of the hardest battles. I wasn't prepared last time...

I had my friends in Virginia who had been through deployments and knew and understood exactly what I was going through. However, I made the mistake of going home to Oklahoma during deployment instead of staying in Virginia. Now don't get me wrong, my family and friends in Oklahoma were mostly supportive and compassionate, and I was so grateful for them. However, a few friends were not as understanding about what all I had been through since moving away and the crippling effects my depression had on me. I didn't stay in touch well enough or I missed too many calls...I basically failed in their eyes. And I cried with the memories of loneliness and pain I was experiencing in my own life during the time I wasn't being involved enough in their lives. So the very first challenge during deployment was the guilt I felt for the consequences of my depression. The guilt continued all through the months apart. I couldn't function because of my depression and so I felt like I was failing everyone around me including my husband. It was one of the loneliest times in my life.

Military spouses encourage and support each other! Most of us have been through deployments and have shared the same problems, fears, loneliness, and so on...nobody outside the military community understands it like we do on the inside. However! It is a different story being a military spouse and living with clinical depression and other mental illnesses. The same words of comfort apply to all of us; "Stay strong! You'll get through this! Time will pass before you know it! I'm here for you! You're not alone! I understand what you're going through! You can talk to me!" I appreciate those words and I appreciate the support of women who are always there even if they don't know me at all. They make me feel better and they are comforting. But the dark presence of depression fights it.

Warning: strong language coming up!

I know there are people and resources available to me when my husband is away. I know what I need to do to keep depression from taking over. None of that means that I'm going to engage in what I "should" be doing. During my husband's last deployment, my depression beat me down...way way down. And when I would share my struggle via social networking, I received all the very true and compassionate messages one would expect, but they didn't help. I felt like a failure...the weakest wife of a Sailor...I thought, "My husband must be so disappointed in me." The wives were making it sound so easy, and it simply wasn't for me...I wanted to scream at them and shout, "Go ahead and keep telling me what I can do to fix this, but it's not going to help! I'm fucking depressed...I'm in the belly of the beast. If I could just get up and do the things being suggested, don't you think I fucking would!?" If any of you know what I'm talking about, then you know how hopeless you feel when you've reached that point...

There were moments of happiness, but my mental illness was winning more battles than I could handle. I saw my doctor and tried different medicines. I did as much as I could. But I did not recover. I suffered depression right up and even pass my husband's homecoming. Of course I was thrilled and elated when he was finally in my arms again! It was definitely the best feeling after almost nine months apart! But, I still had a long road of recovery ahead of me...my depression had hurt me badly.

The darkness I lived through is looming again...deployment is approaching...and I'm terrified of it...no exaggeration what so ever. The ship and ombudsman are providing checklists and resources to prepare us, but if you live with clinical depression or other mental illnesses, I strongly suggest preparing yourselves for how your illnesses may affect you during this time because it's a different kind of experience and requires additional planning. I'll be ready this time.

I'm preparing for war this go around. All I can share is what I plan on doing to avoid so much suffering this time; but each of you will have your own plans. Here's mine: See my doctor and share my fears. Make sure my medicine is the right dose and that I feel stable. Have an exercise and healthy diet in place. Stay involved with the ship's Family Readiness Group. Those are my starting points; my solid foundation. After the holidays I will then look for a job and/or start taking some classes to support my own business venture, The Ro Fo Sho Art & Photography. These actions will keep me busy. I want to visit friends, host gatherings, go out to eat, and be social. These will provide fun and happiness, but they will also be the most challenging if my depression takes too strong of a hold. If that happens, I will be honest with my friends and hope that they can help me. I will put together the most awesome care packages for my husband and send as many as I can...so I feel constantly connected...this will be my strength. My goals will be to lose weight, blog/write more, and get The Ro Fo Sho out in to the public.

Depression During Deployment Battle Plan
*Have a foundation in place.
*Work and school to keep busy.
*Fun and happiness.
*Connection and strength for my husband.
*Goals.

It all looks good in writing, doesn't it? I've gotta start somewhere though, right? I've gotten stronger since that first deployment...I've been through trial and error...I've been knocked down a few times and gotten back up. Y'all have probably come to realize that my fight with depression has been a tough time these last couple of months, but don't worry. I'm getting better and my feet are planted...I am aware that I need to be the strongest I can be before deployment gets here. I will be. That's the only thing I need to say...I will be...

Hugs and love, my lovelies!
Amy

 

Photo from Homecoming 2012 - Melinda Larson Photography

Dress Whites In The Bright Light

Aagh! Writer's block! Not cool! I just want to share a few photos of my husband and other sailors and his ship, but I can't think of a creative way of writing about it...it just keeps sounding like an informative newspaper article! Nothing wrong with informative newspaper articles by the way. They're very necessary...but not the style I wanna use right now. I know! I'll just ramble about my emotions and observations...I do enjoy a good ramble every now and then! Before I babble on and on, I would like to bring attention to my use of the exclamation punctuation!!! See? Like that back there yonder. I just want y'all to know that I'm genuinely expressing more excitement in those sentences, so I recommend you read them with enthusiasm! Don't let me make you do anything you don't want to do though...feel free to read in monotone if you're more comfortable with that...no judgement. Hahahaha I make myself chuckle sometimes. Anywho! Sailors, ships, water, and such...

 I call this his pretty face haha!

 Don't we look good together?

 Our friends, Zac and Elizabeth.

 The most popular photo I took this day. It was hilarious trying to make this work!

 Tom and his ship...in case you missed that.

 Sooo...I totally wore the wrong shirt...I hate how I look!

 She's like a little sister to me; love her!

 Mr. Attitude! You'd think he'd be used to being married to a photographer!

 Our friend, and roommate, Bri...she likes weird faces in photos too!

The U.S.S. Iwo Jima changed home ports from Norfolk to Mayport, and my husband, and the other sailors you see, drove down before the ship. It was definitely more fun hanging out with them as the ship docked, rather than waiting for them if they had already been on the ship. Whoa I just wrote ship excessively...well it's a shippy post so we'll have to deal! But dang I felt bad for them! It was so uncomfortably hot! Seriously hot hot hot!!! Those uniforms are not light and breezy...not that I've ever worn one, but to the touch they are thick and irritating feeling. When you hear some of the stories they share, I imagine that the discomfort in those uniforms is way down on the list of complaints.

I hear quite a bit of "stuff" that happens on their ship, and it makes me very angry and frustrated for the Sailors. In all honesty there are several things about the military and the treatment of service members that bug me! However, I won't get on that soap box! Despite the negative feelings I have, I can't help but feel a kind of pride with the whole experience of being part of the military community. Seeing my husband in uniform, knowing and being friends with other Sailors, being in the presence of an enormous and powerful ship, watching children run to their daddies or mommies, and even listening to the great and not so great speeches from the higher ups, all bring a sense of joy to the air around me and even a joy inside me! It's a unique experience, and I'm grateful for that.

Back to the uniforms! My husband doesn't like his dress whites or blues, and none of his and our friends have ever expressed anything positive about them. It's a simple uniform, but I still think Tom looks good...real real good if ya know what I mean wink wink! :) Haha anyway, he's always my sexy husband, but moving on. Everyone knows that the Marines have the best looking dress uniforms...why can't Navy have nicer ones? That's just my opinion anyway. Okay so I'm running out of rambling material so I'll wrap this up! I'll leave you with a few more photos of my crush! Also, let me give you a heads up! Next I will be writing about living with depression and being a military spouse...lots to say there so stay tuned ;)

Enjoy Hump Day and hugs and love, my lovelies!

Peace Out!

Amy

Dark Days

I'm taking a little break from my photographic summary series to talk with y'all a little more openly about how my battle with depression has been going recently. First, I want to say sorry for not talking about the dark days as much as I should have been talking about them. When I read back over what I've written before on the subject, it comes off like a motivational poster or generic words of inspiration...and I never wanted to sound like that! What I've said is true and has absolutely been motivation and inspiration for me on this journey! But after reading those words and phrases again, while trying to view them from a different perspective than my own, I was reminded of a totally different kind of experience that we all go through in our lives.

We all get our hearts broken in one way or another. Our friends and family quickly rally with words of comfort and compassion, and we begin to hear the same kinds of phrases over and over. My favorites fall on the topic of time: "Time heals." "Time will mend." "It's going to take some time." "Be patient, time will tell." And honestly, time is the truth of the matter. There can be a countless number of variables that could help and heal the situation...but the constant is time. However, we don't want to hear it when we're hurting. It sounds like complete bull shit! After a hearing it a million times, you want to start punching people or screaming at people! It's straight up annoying! And it's only after time has passed and we've made it through our trials that we look back and realize, "Yes. I just needed time."

So that is the place I'm coming from when I write the things I do about depression. I only found comfort in those words after I made it through the dark. Basically, the truth was realized on the other side of suffering. Does that make sense? I really hope it does! What I'm trying to say is that maybe my words of encouragement make you want to strangle me and scream at me, and I totally understand, so it's okay! When you're on the other side of it, you'll discover the truth. Unfortunately, being on the other side of suffering doesn't mean you're going to stay there. Depression is the no fun roller coaster ride. For me though, and I hope this for everyone, when I stumble back into the dark, I use those once useless words to help me recover again.

Get up, Amy. Open the blinds, Amy. Don't go back to sleep, Amy. You know this is just a temporary down, Amy. You know you will get through this and feel better again, Amy. Talk to your doctor, Amy. Talk to the ones who love you, Amy. Read or draw or have dinner with friends, Amy. Sing or write, Amy. Email Tom, Amy. Don't eat so much junk, Amy. Walk outside in the sunshine, Amy. Get out of the house, Amy. Get up, Amy.

These words have been ongoing in my head for about a month and a half now. A lot of changes, several obstacles, one problem after another, the long absences of my husband, and the days of loneliness have taken a major toll. It's been hard to get on my feet and stay there. This round on the depression roller coaster has been full of severe ups and downs. I can't tell you how many days I literally stayed on the couch sleeping or watching TV. I had an up day where I was trying to make friends with new people via social networking, but fell again and dropped out of the conversations. I've been doing better, but I tell y'all what, this has been a rough one...I get up and do the things I tell myself to do...but I can feel a physical resistance. The shadow of depression seems solid and combative...I feel like I'm exerting so much energy just to push against it. And I'm tired. So tired. Two of my very good friends spent last weekend with me, and it was such a fun time and I loved not feeling so lonely! After they left, I felt like I could sleep for a week. I wasn't pretending to be happy when they were here, but I was certainly fighting to feel that happiness and enjoy it while that dark shadow was trying to squish it.

I have an appointment with a new doctor coming up soon. I'm eating well and trying to stay active. And yes, I'm still taking my anti depressants. The words of encouragement and motivation are on repeat in my thoughts. I know that this is just a slump, a down time in the fight when it feels like depression is winning. And I know I've written very similar words before. But I also know that I'll get through it because I always do...and I will always ALWAYS be the one that wins the battles.

Stay strong and hugs and love, my lovelies!
Love always,
Amy...The Ro Fo Sho

p.s. Daisies make me happy :)

A Little Bit of Serious, Fluff, and Nonsense!

Valentines Flowers from Tom

I hope the randomness of my posts aren't annoying for y'all...would you want me to elaborate more on one topic? I'm only thinking about this right now because what I've read, a successful blog has a consistency to it, from topic to how often one posts. I know my common thread has always been about living with clinical depression, but I don't talk about it in every entry. Hmmm...

Well that's a good thing! All of us living with mental illnesses know that it's not something we want to particularly ponder on a daily basis. Here's something for y'all to know; if I'm not writing about it, that usually means it's not affecting my day at all...those are happy days! But, today is a happy day even though I'm writing about depression...so when I'm writing about it, it's not that I'm having a bad day necessarily, but rather I just want to talk about it...remember what I've said?

Keep the conversation going!

Terribly sorry if that was all just a bit confusing! I've had a lot of coffee today!

Anyway! I just wanted to share a few things on my mind. So! Back to depression...let me tell y'all how it's going! I'm still trying to get to that wonderful place I was in not too long ago, and I've actually had some moments when I'm there again. I want to be there every day though, so it's still a struggle and a process. That's just a part of it though...one does not get better over night and sometimes not even after a few months. I think the time that it takes and the effort we put in to that time builds a stronger foundation for us to feel better and stay feeling better. So keep pushing!

I also want to share more about living with depression while being a spouse of a military service member and being part of the "military community." I'm always hearing or reading about how someone "could not imagine being committed to a military person" or "that lifestyle would be too hard for me." And then I read and hear the military significant others explaining that a "strong enough love is enough to get you through it" or "it's really not that bad." A strong love is definitely essential! However, it is a hard lifestyle with mental illness...life in general is a challenge with mental illness...but there are a good many more chunks of challenges when you become part of the "military community." I don't want to elaborate too much in this post today, but I do want to let y'all know that it IS something I will be talking about in the near future!

USS Iwo Jima Homecoming 2012

Now for a little bit of fluff and nonsense! For my husband's 30th birthday, I got him the new Samsung 5s...aaaaand I got one for me too! Lol I couldn't help it...he's been needing a new phone and I just really wanted a new phone! I'm not the girl who has to have a new model every year...but...I wanted one so that I could have Pinterest and Instagram and Candy Crush and basically all the good apps. It's perfectly fine to need these apps since I'm an artist and photographer and blogger, right? Right! I had an HTC Radar and it had a system that they had tried (and failed) to execute as an exclusive thing like IPhone and Androids...you know what I mean? Anyway...it was no bueno. Anywho! I'm especially excited to have Instagram again! Definitely not a fan of the barrage of selfies I see...seriously...how many times must one share the same silly expression or the same "sitting in my car" pose...drives me crazy! I love Instagram because it feels like taking snapshots of the world around us and adding filters and edits and such, makes the simple every day life all the more beautiful and special! Here are my latest little shares...

I made the collages using my app "A Beautiful Mess." I highly recommend this app and their lovely delightful blog! Photo apps are so much fun! It's like completely stress free photography for all of us professional photographers...we mostly just have to pay attention to composition and can basically forget about all those other little manual settings like white balance, aperture, shutter and all that good stuff! So yeah...I've been having fun!

All right I guess that's enough thoughts for right now. I've gotta start getting ready for work! Oh yeah! I work in a photo lab, so this month is especially relevant because May is National Photo Month!!! Yay!!! So get out there and print your photos, enlarge them, put 'em on a mug, transfer 'em to a canvas...so many fun things to do with your photos...don't just keep them on your phones, y'all!

Hope y'all have a beautiful day! Hugs and love, my lovelies!

Smiles,
Amy