Saturday, April 4, 2015

Trying Something Different...

Hello, dear ones, I'm going to try something different here, and I'm not sure what to expect. Here's the deal...remember how last time I was talking about walking the tightrope at this time in my depression? Well, I fell off sometime soon after that entry...stumbled tumbled and crashed...and I've been wrecked since then. I turned to alcohol for a while, but that made it worse of course since alcohol is a depressant. I'm a smart woman...I knew drinking was a stupid solution...but it was a temporary numbness. I haven't been doing that for a bit now, so please don't be worrying on that front, y'all! Every day is a struggle, my friends!

However! I have been pushing through. I get up every day and wash my face and get dressed; sometimes I put make up on haha! I've applied for several jobs, and every day I'm on the hunt and applying for more. I did some research and found a psychiatrist in my area with whom I have an appointment with on Tuesday. I contacted my primary care doctor and told him I was struggling, and he and his office have been really great about keeping in touch with me and making sure my insurance is taken care of with the psychiatrist's office. I take Kakashi on several walks every day; and every day that the weather is nice, which is most of the time, I take him to the pond to let him run around. I sit at the picnic table and soak up the sunshine; I'll write or text or play games on my phone with friends. I make myself good and healthy meals and I've been doing a little bit of exercise. Still taking my medicine every day. Still praying all the time. Still believing and waiting for the time that I know will come when I can start to see the light again...I'm putting optimism and positivity out in to the universe. I promise you all I am doing EVERYTHING I KNOW I SHOULD BE DOING!

It's like that Sex and the City episode where Charlotte takes Carrie along to a relationship self help type of motivational speaker who preaches about positive affirmations and such. It's a seminar of sorts and during the question portion, Charlotte asks how long will it take with daily affirmations before she starts seeing some results, and the speaker tells her that she's probably not believing enough or putting herself out there enough. When Charlotte insists that she is, she most definitely IS, the speaker continues to say she needs to do more! Carrie grabs the microphone, feeling frustrated for Charlotte, and says, "Trust me! She's out there; she's WAY out there!" So please think of that when I say, I really am doing all that I can do.

I have 3 friends here and a couple of acquaintances. But, each of them have much more than what I have...nearby family, other friends, and jobs to fill their lives with. They are the only people I have while my husband is away...they are the people I look to for comfort and strength...they are my number one people right now. But, I am not a number one for them, and I'm not saying that with self pity. I'm saying that because I'm a realistic person, and I know they have lives and I don't right now; I'm in a limbo of sorts.

So what I'm saying is I'm alone and I'm struggling and I don't know what else I can do. Don't worry...often times hopelessness of this sort leads to tragic and permanent actions...I'm will not go there...NEVER GO THERE! I wish my grandma could be here with me; I mean I know she is in spirit, but if I go to dinner with grandma's spirit, people might look at me funny during my conversations with her...hahaha..ha...ha. I want my mama and my sister, even my dad and my brother. I want my really close friends. I can't leave...I can't go anywhere...I have to get a job, and I absolutely must stay focused on that!

I'm grateful to have so many prayer warriors in my life and people who are also putting positivity and optimism out in the universe for me, people who send their love and well wishes, people who keep me in their thoughts and are here for me in spirit at the very least. I know when I share this, all of you wonderful people, will start lifting me up, so I want to thank you already...because I know I can already count on your love and support. Thank you thank you thank you! In your thoughts and prayers and well wishes, could you please ask that some family or some friends could come here to Florida and be with me...I just want someone here to talk to, to go to the beach with, to have dinner with. I know it's a crazy request, but like I said, I'm doing everything I know I should be doing, but there is no relief in sight. I just need something to go well for me...I need something good.

Here I am. This is embarrassing for me. This is difficult for me. I'm literally baring my heart and soul to the public, and up until I hit "publish" I'm struggling with if I should share this much. I suppose I telling how many of you are out there crying alone in your homes everyday...if you are, I'm so so sooo sorry you are feeling this way too. The best I can say now, at this point, is to maybe do what I'm doing...when you can't think of anything else to do, reach out and see what happens.

Thank you, for listening dear ones...I'm already feeling a little bit better knowing that I'm not keeping this all inside anymore. Those of you who don't struggle with depression and mental illness, I know this is a difficult thing for y'all to understand; I only ask for compassion. Those of you who know very well what this suffering is like, I'm lifting you up too...I'm hoping and praying for you all as well!

Hugs and love, my lovelies!
Keeping it real about depression, Amy


  1. So sorry that you are having such a hard time. I have been there many times and this too will pass. I know that it is not easy but you have a lot of your grandmother's strength so lean on it for now. She will always be with you. I know that she taught you to depend on God for strength, direction and guidance. He will help you through this if you will only ask. I'm in a very dark place myself right now but I know that he will help if I will only turn my problems over to him. Sometimes it is hard to trust him but he does know what is best for each one of us. Hang in there little one. Please know that you will be in my prayers. I hope that you will receive the comfort and guidance that you need soon. Love ya, Peggine

    1. Peggine, I'm so sorry to hear that you're in the dark as well! My heart aches for you! But yes I agree...God is the best during this time of healing, and I very much lean on Him. Grandma too...I want to be strong and better for her because I know she wants me to be happy! I bet that both of us praying for comfort and guidance for each other will help us a lot! Love you too!

  2. Dearest Amy, I wrote to you twice last night but couldn't get it to publish. I haven't dealt with this part of facebook before. Since it makes you comment from one of the catagories below, I signed up for Google Chrome, but it still didn't take it. Each time it was deleted before I could save or print it. Said they were having difficulties with their sight. I am so sorry you are going through this and hope you can get the help you need and deserve. If your current doctors can't help you, look for one who can. You may even have to go into inpatient therapy. My niece has suffered from bipolar illness for about 30 years and she has gone in several times so they could get her medications leveled out. She gets suicidal and has tried to kill herself a couple times. She just had her 50th birthday. It is a terrible disease and can be difficult to control, but there are more options than used to be available. A combination of therapy and medications can help if given time and the right doctor/patient combination. I'm not a doctor or professional, but do know a little about this disease. I don't think you can deal with this on your own. This is Easter and I believe the good Lord hears our prayers. We will keep you in our prayers that you will find the help you deserve. You are so loved by so many and we are all pulling for you. Wish I could give you a big hug. Hang in there and please get some help so you can feel better. Love you, Dorothy & Willie

    1. Dorothy, I'm sorry you had such a challenging time getting a comment to post, but I so appreciate that it finally worked! You are absolutely right about finding the best help :) The list of providers that TriCare gave me to choose from was unsatisfactory for me - lot of doctors with bad reviews! So I found one on my own and contacted my primary care to make sure they sent over my insurance authorization...they've been working really well for me! I'm so sorry to hear about your niece; it is indeed an awful disease! I think I'll talk to my doctor about inpatient therapy. I've been on so many different medication and then they just stop working...maybe something like that will be a big help! But I do assure you that I am being proactive about getting help...I know that I can get through this but only if I try and only if I accept the help and resources available. Your prayers and love are some of the strongest medicine too! Love you and Willie lots!