Express the Mess

I keep finding myself wanting to write and share and try to express the mess that's in my head. It feels as though there is too much junk, however, and I'm not sure where to start. So what follows may be a little bit of a free write I suppose...I guess we'll see how it goes.

I'm angry most of the time but mostly when I'm in bed ready to fall asleep for the night or sometimes during the day when I can catch a nap. Moving on since my divorce has been the most challenging thing in my life. I want to yell and scream at my ex husband and shake him and get him to say the things I feel like I need to hear for closure or validation or something! Damn it I'm not the only one who screwed up in our marriage...but I'm also the only one who ever tried fighting to make it work. I spent years asking him what I needed to do to make him love me and want me like he use to...I told him to be be honest and to let me go if it was what he wanted...I explained that it felt like he was pushing me away on purpose. He made me feel like I was crazy. And only now that it's over and I've witnessed how easily he has recovered and started living the life he stopped wanting to live with me, I realize that I wasn't crazy...I was right. He didn't want me anymore. I felt it in the stiff hugs he gave me and the quick emotionless kisses...his eyes would stay open and directed at the television screen. He laughed and smiled with his teeth and spent hours joyfully gaming while my jokes and silliness and attempts to be playful with him only earned me eye rolls, annoyance, and a dismissive attitude. If I haven't yet plainly said it, I'll say it now; yes, I cheated. I screwed up and I kept it a secret. I was drunk, sick, and lonely; and I wanted to feel wanted and I know those are only excuses and they don't and didn't mean anything when the truth was revealed. But lately I've been thinking of "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health..." I broke a vow...but so did he...and he did it over and over and over again. I kept trying to make our relationship work. When my faults were brought to light, however, I didn't have the energy to fight anymore. I had been fighting a losing battle even before my errors came into play. I guess I want him to admit that he broke my heart for years before I broke his. In the end, I lost friendships and family...I lost my husband who had remained my best friend even when I stopped being his. I'm wondering when I'll stop replaying all of this in my head...when will I run out of tears and when will I forgive my ex as well as myself.

He said he would help me after the divorce and that he understood it would be difficult for me to get back on my feet. I'm working so hard and not getting ahead; it's like a losing battle. So many people told me to ask for alimony and that I shouldn't trust that he would keep his word. I had faith in him and now I know I shouldn't have. He bought a house even though he was always telling me that it was something we wouldn't be able to do for years. He spends time away from the TV screen even thought it seemed to be the only thing that made him truly happy during our time together. You know, he even tried sushi after years and years of refusing to try it with me. More than one person admitted that he seemed depressed spending time with me and that he was a happier person after he decided to divorce me. I'm not sharing this to say it isn't fair; I'm happy for him...but I can't help but wonder...could we both have ended up happier if we had ended our relationship years before the heartache?

Thanks for listening.

Hugs and love, my lovelies.

Still surviving,
Amy

Divoce and what happens next...

Okay, dear readers, here comes the next chapter for The Ro Fo Sho! Long story short, my marriage of six and a half years has ended in divorce and I have moved back to Oklahoma. Out of respect for my ex-husband, I will not share the details of what happened except to say that we both failed each other, but that my failures were the ones that we could not recover from. It was an emotionally challenging time for a few months, and I have come a very long way. Over time I will share more about the grieving process for our relationship and how everything that took place affected my depression and was affected by my depression. I did end up in a mental health resource center for a couple of days, and it was an intense eye opening experience that will be very important for me to share about with you all in the future. I'm not sure who might read this, but I understand that I have lost other relationships in my divorce and I realize more people will inevitably exit from my life. Please know that I regret my actions which pushed my ex away and that I never meant to hurt anyone. In my defense, I know I was a good wife and I did the best I possibly could; I gave all of my love and all of my self and energy to try and make our marriage a success. In the end, I am completely confident in saying that I worked hard at our relationship and gave everything that I could. I hope that he and I can someday be friends, but who knows? He seems quite a bit happier without me, and I only wish the very best for him. I'm doing better myself, and I am optimistic for my future and this next chapter. Thank you to everyone who has stuck and will continue to stick with me...and apologies to anyone I let down. My hope is that all of us will continue to be civil, mature, and respectful towards one another. The only way to go from here is forward.

Hugs and love, my lovelies!

Still here,
Amy

"Night Sky"

by Amy

The Ro Fo Sho Art and Photography

Multi Part Story of The Ro Fo Sho Part 1

Yesterday sucked. My mama shared some concerning news from home and I had to work at my normal person job. I'll write more about the family worries at another time when I have more information. Normal person job needs no other mention.

Today I would like to get some photos taken of my new art and organize it all...ones I want to share/sell, ones I want to keep, ones I have no idea if anyone will like except for me...that type of organization. I need to have a day where I focus on the business side of The Ro Fo Sho Art and Photography. My friend, Stephany, took me out for lunch the other afternoon and I was telling her how I wish I could just focus on the creative process and have someone else manage the practical side, and she said she would love to do that for me someday! In truth, I've been imagining her as a business partner for some time now, so the idea sounds great to me! It will take some time to get to that point I'm afraid...a few have shown interest in my art, but I have no idea yet how well it will be received once it's really out there for all the world to see...which brings me to my next point...

I've loved art since I was a little girl...I can't remember a time when I wasn't drawing. My very first dream was to be an artist, but, as I've said before, I also realized at a young age that it wasn't exactly a guaranteed paycheck. Yes, I know children aren't necessarily supposed to worry about such matters, but I was different dang it. That is all I will say about that for now. Moving on! Art simply stayed a hobby for years and years. I didn't take the advanced classes in school and I never did perfect any skills. I watched and admired my friends progression and the creations they produced; they wouldn't even call me an artist! They were extremely talented in my eyes, so it never occurred to me that I might someday have a place in the art world.

In college I started developing my own style. It began here...

I grabbed my sketch book and oil pastels and started scribbling...I call this one "The Beginning," because it was the very first time I let my emotions direct the drawing...I let the images in my head fall to the paper as naturally as they possibly could. This was done in 2002 I believe...holy crap...15 years ago!

Unfortunately, my train of thought will have to take a pause for a bit...normal person job...ugh...had to mention it again. This may turn into a multi part story, dear readers, so please stay tuned...

Before I sign off, here's a selfie as I've composed this for you lovely people:

The internet world seems to respond better to selfies. Yes, there may be banana nut bread in my teeth.

Have a great Friday, y'all! I'll be doing the normal person job all weekend and try and continue this train of thought whenever I can!

Hugs and love, my lovelies!

Ro Fo Sho out!
Amy

Singing with The Judds Instead of Cleaning House...

My favorite days start with my record player, coffee or tea, and sunshine...days where I don't have to be at work until later and I can be lazy and thoughtful in the quiet time when my husband is at work (he has a loud but lovable presence, y'all). I need to be more productive during this time, however, and that's not always the case. I'll usually tidy a bit around the house, but the housewife thing is really not one of my strengths. My ideal productivity would include writing and creating! But...here I've sat for a good ten minutes or so after writing that last sentence just singing along with The Judds on vinyl and snapping photos with my phone to share in this little corner of the internet world! So! Now I need to walk my dog and start getting ready for work, y'all! But first!

Depression update: I'm taking 40 mg of Prozac every morning, and that's it. I stopped taking the Buspar mainly because I can't eat grapefruit while taking it; and that's not working for me anymore; I miss my grapefruit, people!!! The days are up and down as usual, but I've been getting more sunshine, and that makes an enormous different in my mood! My primary thought with regards to mental health is that sometimes the medicines and the therapy simply don't work anymore, and the best way to start feeling better is to just be sick of it...flex those brain muscles and fight around those chemical imbalances and or deficiencies...seriously...adopt the "fuck this shit" attitude! Granted it has taken me 20 years to get here, but maybe if I talk more about it, it won't take so long for others to start improving. And you know what? Over the past couple of years I've started seeing more and more people talking openly about their struggles with mental health, and obviously I think this is incredibly important. My message for a long time has been, "keep the conversation going!" The hashtag is #stigmafree and I love it!

Dang it! I'm on a cognitive roll and want to keep going, but my dog and getting ready for work are on a time limit now. Damn.

Anyway! I have some art to share, but it will have to wait. Hope everyone has a great week!

Hugs and love, my lovelies!

Singing all the time!
Amy

Off

Word of the day (blogging from my cell phone) before attempting to sleep: off. My third day away from work before I return tomorrow and it did not go as planned...I was very simply...off.

Couldn't clean and organize like I had visualized. Couldn't muster the energy to cook any meals. Couldn't move very far from the couch. Now I'm here in bed and feeling the failure of a wasted day.

Off.

This is the reality of a life with mental illness such as mine with clinical depression. I can identify it, acknowledge it, give it the middle finger, and hope for a better tomorrow...sometimes that is all that can be done.

And so I leave you with some art from the previous two days that were wonderful and lovely (the days were wonderful and lovely that is; maybe not the art). The last photo was of a drawing made with light heartedness in mind but can be interpreted as quite applicable for this post as well I must say haha!

(Note: I haven't figured out how to size photos from the Blogger App on my phone so I apologize if they are annoyingly large.)

Hugs and love, my lovelies!

Off
Ro Fo Sho

Congnitive Streaming

There is this constant narrative running in my mind; and I try to have pencil and paper handy at all times, but I don't always have the opportunity to take them out and write my thoughts down. And then I'm sitting here in front of my computer screen with all this shit running through my head and I want to get it all out, and it's freakin' jammed. So I go back over what I wrote and I try to keep the thought going and it comes out disjointed and the backspace button becomes the most popular option. Let's hear it for run on sentences and the word "and!" Jeez.

I made some brunch, started some laundry, brewed some tea, greeted my husband just home from work, and put on some Miles Davis Pandora radio......here I sit once again trying to recall exactly what it is I intended to pluck from my cognitive streaming...

Depression? Art? Dreams? Music? All of it really.

Here is something for now, I suppose...I don't write as often as I should and I haven't been sharing anything about The Ro Fo Sho Art and Photography or how my life with clinical depression as been going. Let's just keep it short and simple...I'm still here, still Ro Fo Sho'in, still creating. The sunshine has been the very best medicine, and I've been spending most of my time outside on my screened in patio, so this is where I will leave y'all for now. Here are some pictures of my outdoor therapy experience...

 

I will hopefully be back a few more times today in between times when I'm trying to be a good housewife and not the hippie chick I fear my husband doesn't like so much ha! 

Hugs and love, my lovelies,

Peace

Amy Ro Fo Sho