Sicky Yucky Icky Time

Sorry for yet another absence. I've been sick. Drainage and congestion! Dry cough and mucus cough! Body aches and head aches...I want my mommy. I feel like I've become more of a baby in my old age haha. Anyway. I'm still here...I'm just gross and prone to whining right now. When I feel human again, I will share more interesting and pleasant stories with you...ones that don't involve germ filled imagery! Vitamins, water, and rest, dearies! Hugs and love, my lovelies!

Here are some bright cheery flowers to give us all a boost!

Bad Roller Coaster Ride

"Bad Roller Coaster Ride"

In the dark; in the shadows,
I get lost.
Who I am, I no longer know.
Feelings altered; words I wouldnt' say;
What happened?
Looks like I've lost another day.

This can be a lonely life,
The worst roller coaster ride.
I need you to understand.
This, all of this mess,
Is too often out of my hands.

I wish it would have been me,
To tell you.
Concern, detachment, worrying,
Hurt feelings, reacting the wrong way;
I'm sorry.
It all diffused inside the gray.

This can be a lonely life,
The worst roller coaster ride.
I need you to understand.
This, all of this mess,
Is too often out of my hands.

But I will take control, I will.
Before I lose myself, I'll reclaim,
The woman I use to know..

Some will forgive; some give compassion,
But not always.
Others are angry, bad reactions,
Hearts broken, reality crashes,
It's over.
My apologies, my explanations
There's nothing else for me to say.

This can be a lonely life,
The worst roller coaster ride.
I need you to understand.
This, all of this mess,
Is too often out of my hands.

A poem for lost and broken friendships. Hugs and love, my lovelies!

Amy

Bruised But Determined

 

"Beaten"

I've shared this drawing before, but I'm sharing it again because it's probably the most relevant representation of my current feelings and state of mind. I was doing so well...so incredibly wonderfully well with my depression...like it didn't even exist anymore! I couldn't wait to share my happiness with y'all! As I told y'all before in the last entry, life has been challenging since the end of 2013 and beginning of 2014...and it's actually gotten worse. My most recent session with my psychiatrist helped me to realize that being in my home state and the confrontations I faced there, were triggers...I will be exploring more about what triggers my depression with my therapist these next few weeks. Anyway, my blissful, stable, and happy mind has been crumbling since returning from Oklahoma.

Grandma was back in the hospital, and I fear she won't be able to handle the next round of chemo. We're facing potential legal issues after I reacted in an emotional and unintelligent way. I lost friends because I reacted blindly in the shadows of my mind to something that probably could have been handled differently...and found out so many awful things that were thought about me. I've been emotionally eating and thus gaining weight. My heart is heavy everyday. This is one of the most challenging moments of my life.

But I'm determined to get back to that happy place...it was the best I had felt in years! Thankfully, my husband has been my strength while I've been shouldering weakness...I'd probably give up if he wasn't here to help me. It's during these upsetting times when a marriage is tested; and we find out that the enormity of our love will guide us through the dark...I feel like it's been a boost to our relationship...a reminder that we'll always be able to work through the tough spots if we stick together. 

My husband, the forgiveness and compassion others have given me, the understanding nature and encouragement of so many people, and my belief in myself...these are the things that will help me heal and find my happiness again.

Stay optimistic and stay determined, my friends...don't give up on yourself. Hugs and love, my lovelies!

Yours,

Amy