A Decade's End & "Among the Stars"

"Among the Stars"

on october 9th of this year i will be turning 29 and so shall begin the last year of my 20s...i've said before that getting older doesn't bother me, but rather the thought of not completing certain goals at a certain time does. i use to have an impressive lists of goals before the age of 30, but it didn't take me long to realize how unrealistic that list was for a somewhat of a procrastinator like myself...at least i'm aware of my flaws! i do have some goals though to complete before this decade of my life's end...i don't necessarily want to list them all but i'll share my biggest 2: lose weight and get fit and healthy and be aggressive about getting my art and writing out in the world. i have faith in myself for completion...and i would like to succeed early on in my last year of my 20s so that i may enjoy my achievements for the remainder of this momentous portion of my life. i hope to ring in my 30s feeling 100% great about my life...i'd also like to celebrate the next decade by a big trip to vegas with all my friends...so put that on your calendars y'all!

i make lists. it may be a compulsive disorder...but i'm not sure...it doesn't really matter to me. my mama started it. i use to love sneaking a peek at her lists to see what she had planned; i don't know why i loved it so much...it was kind of like discovering a christmas list!

i have a list for what i want this next year of my life to look like...from tangible things like clothing and accessories, furniture and decorations to the intangible like success and happiness and adventure! so i'll share some of that...and if anyone wants to reference to this list for birthday or christmas gifts, well that's quite all right with me!

clothing and accessories and other things:
boots (size 6)
fedora hats
feather hair clips
fabulous wardrobe (fabulous body requested prior to fabulous wardrobe if possible haha)
prisma color pencils
large sketching paper
large canvases
gallons of acrylic paint...maybe not gallons
graphite pencils
photo albums
clear corner mounts for photos
pretty things
art things
beautiful shoes (size 6)

furniture and decorations and stuff:
drawing table
patio furniture
chiminea (i don't know how that is spelled...sound it out please)
grill
dining chair tables
bedroom furniture set
candles
coasters
pretty things
money
living room furniture
entertainment glass wear, serving wear, and such
housekeeper
personal chef

intangible:
more energy
successful art career
travel (i suppose that's a tangible thing actually)
ability to function off of 6 or 7 hours of sleep...
things like that...

so that's some of it...it sounds lovely doesn't it? if someone wants to suggest to my husband to bring me flowers or write me little love notes, that would be okay too. well...i'm kind of distracted by football...so i think i'll just wrap this up. i just wanted to share a little bit with y'all since it's been a while since i blogged last. oh! we are moving to virginia in 9 days so i might be a little too busy to write before then...but i'll be back soon with more art and "life's art" segments and more stories of my life. hugs and love!

"Overwhelming Passion"

"Overwhelming Passion"

i have a rough draft of what i wanted this post to be about in my little "creative writing" type notebook...it was going to be a "life's art" segment...but i've decided to save it, and go a different direction here because i've started to bore myself with myself on "life's art." that's not a good situation!!! i only really feel this way though because i actually feel very passionate about the topics i approach, and i don't feel like i've conveyed that passion accurately. my little rough draft delves more in to a stronger telling of my opinions...but i'll share it later.

passion is my word. do you have a word? if i could think of a person to most clearly personify the word passion, it would be myself...i've never met anyone as passionate as me. i know passionate people and people that have passionate views and people that are passionate about what they do or who they love and so on and so forth...but i've never met anyone passionate about so many things as i am passionate about. honestly, this has often times been a fault...i'll find myself WAY too overly emotional about things because i feel such a strong intensity of emotions. i'm not sure how i became this way...but one thing i do know about this characteristic of mine, is that my husband was meant for me to balance out my passionate ways. if i am the personification of passion, my husband is the very opposite! i believe that the only thing he is really passionate about is me lol:) i'm not complaining though:) he is sooooo good at calming me down or bringing things back in to a "normal" perspective. he can shush me...and not in a patronizing way...but rather in a calming zen "find your center" kind of way. he knows when i need it and when i don't...when it comes to my art...there is no way that anyone or anything can come in and turn down my dial!

my passion spreads out my focus...i feel like this has been a challenge. i feel very passionately about photography, drawing, painting, singing, and writing...each one gets the same amount of passion, but they don't each get the same amount of focus. i believe that if i could focus on just one, i could become successful with that endeavor. but i can't focus on just one...i want to wrap it all up together and make a life with all of it at once...i believe this causes me to not excel at any just one. like a "jack of all trades but master of none" type of deal. meh. i'm gonna tell myself to shut up now...

i'm a very fanciful person but also very practical...i describe myself as being a woman with her head in the clouds but her feet on the ground. i can't talk about passion and the things that consume me without trying to analyze and break them down at the same time. so i'm telling myself to shut up now lol:)

you know what i really want to do? let me tell you! i want giant canvases and giant amounts of paint...i want to cover myself in colors and roll around on the canvas! i want to put my whole body into creating something i hope to find visually appealing...and i will do that someday. i want bigger pieces of paper to put visions down in pencil and pastels...smudging and blending with my fingertips and hands. i want to get back the intimacy i once had with my photography...that is old school film with a dark room...so i can be part of every step of the creation in a more hands on stimulates all the senses kind of way...something you can't feel with digital and computers. this is why i love art so much! whether it's writing or drawing or singing or photographing...for me...it allows me to put my whole body in to the expression...a feeling of being able to grasp something concrete out of the abstract. it's like i have so much passion inside me, that can be simplified as a passion for life, that i have to get it out in some form...and it happens to be that i enjoy all different kinds of forms.

well anyway. i've rambled enough and have probably effectively established my place as a crazy lady. oh well...not going to apologize for being me! :) if there is a lesson in any of this, it is to find something to be passionate about. express something intangible in a tangible way. i suppose some people go through life perfectly content without ever feeling too overwhelmed by themselves...but for those who feel like they have something inside that needs to be let out...i suggest belting a song, free writing on whatever is available to write on, or diving in to some finger paints...just to name a few:)

"My Star"

Life's Art - "Hearts Hurt" & "Hearts Heal"

"Hearts Hurt"

well we've talked about the heart in peril...the abstract pain of the heart feeling genuinely beaten. damn it hurts! but that's simply a part of life...our hearts get hurt...and it's always a bummer. sometimes it's not as severe as that beaten feeling and sometimes it's unimaginably worse...but every and any pain is a tough time to have to deal with. our hearts get broken. our hearts suffer loss from death. our hearts get sick with depression and other illnesses. our hearts lose fire when we feel like we've failed. we can feel guilt, anger, uncertainty, betrayal, and whatever else you can imagine deep inside the chambers and vessels of our hearts...the unseen intangible emotions find places to bury inside the tangible organ...and it can feel...infected. cloaked in darkness. drowning in hell's fire. weighed down with tears. it hurts.

"Hearts Heal"

but as much as our hearts can hurt...our hearts can heal. it may take those lovely little cliches i mentioned before or it may take something else. sometimes we push ourselves to heal by seeking a new hobby or throwing caution to the wind starting over..like a new career...or even an extreme new hair style. sometimes it takes friends and or family to drag our asses up...and by doing so causing us to heal through their love born from concern. but maybe i'm being too vague.

my heart has been broken by boys, hurt by destructive choices, hurt by depression, hurt by conflicts with family and friends...i could go on and on. but the point i want to make is that i have hurt in many ways and have been healed in many ways too. there were times when i would have stayed home in front of the tv or in bed if a friend had not called, picked me up, and taken me out of the house and out of my wallowing. my mama always sees through me, and in the past if she hadn't made me face what was hurting me and offered solutions and support, i would have suffered longer than necessary. my heart was in pain and i turned to alcohol...and a new pain emerged....and i hurt myself deeper and deeper with destructive behavior. i hurt my family and friends...and therefore myself. but it took their worries and voices...it took my own self realization...it took prayer and meditation...it took time...and eventually my heart healed.

a healed heart is like being reborn...a clean slate...everything becomes possible and achievable once more. a healed heart is rewarded and or opportunities emerge in the light. after my heart hurt and healed throughout different moments in my life i experienced all different kinds of new found joy. photography school, fun new hair cuts and colors, tattoos, closer relationship with God, a stronger sense of spirituality, and endless love...all of these parts of my life came after my heart was healed. and sometimes the hurt that preceded my healing opened my eyes to revelations i may have never had if i hadn't experienced that pain.

so trust me...there will be healing after hurting. sometimes it takes a little help outside of our own capabilities...but at some point during the process, you will have to be proactive...you will have to be a part of your recovery. if you don't, it will never be 100% and you won't attain all of the strength that can become available...don't just sit on your butt...get up. it will be okay.

"it's gonna be all right...no matter what they say! it's gonna be a good day...just wait and see!" ~ jewel

hugs and love, my lovelies :)

Life's Art - "Beaten" by Ro Fo Sho Art

"Beaten"

a broken heart is honestly a physical pain...if one has truly loved and lost, one will always feel that deep ache inside. i'm here to make some points about this that are very clear and straight forward...it may seem brutal, but to sugar coat something so severe is just plain ignorant and cruel really! here's the deal...no one and nothing is going to make it better...but it's not as simple as that. when one is hurting and suffering through this abstract pain, all the advice and words of wisdom in the world are simply going to do one of the following three things:

#1 - make the individual hurt worse
#2 - anger the individual...or...
#3 - roll over and through choosy ears

or that person could experience any combo or all three of these effects together! the advice and words of wisdom i speak of are classic cliches...easy to guess...but tried and true...

* time heals
* there are other fish in the sea
* it just wasn't meant to be
* it was for the best
* you'll be stronger than before

now...i say these phrases are tried and true because even though the individual who is hurting may experience the three typical reactions listed about...ultimately...when the pain has passed, all of those annoying cliches and little bits of comfort have indeed actually happened! time has vanished away leaving the past behind...and that love is just a memory...which in turn obviously wasn't meant to be. there is then an opportunity for something new...and whatever happens or doesn't happen...there will definitely be a new found strength!

so! if this really great advice does no good until observed in retrospect...how does one get through a broken heart? i'm tellin' you...you just get through. you hurt and you cry. you pray and you beg. you sleep and you hide. the heart is beaten...bruised and excruciatingly tender. but...you get up everyday and you do something everyday. there is school or work...or a project or an event. you have family or friends or both...and maybe even some coworkers. have meals, coffee, or cocktails...go dancing or swimming...just live. it's hard and you'll hear all of those cliches form everyone you tell your story to...but remember...it's all true when the dust settles. so just get through it...just live.

remember it's okay to mourn a lost love. it's perfectly normal to feel so abused. there will be time to wallow and grieve...allow yourself to experience that pain...ignoring it will make it worse. every heart gets beaten at least once in life.

stay with me, and i'll tell you more about how hearts hurt and how hearts heal. i'm here to tell you that i've come to realize my experience in life were meant for me to learn and share...for me to assure you that you are not alone and there's wrong and right ways to deal. take what i have to say and just see if it makes sense in your life...i bet it does;) hugs and love, my lovelies!

Life's Art by Ro Fo Sho Art

i have a new vision for my art. i wrote before about an idea that i wasn't sure if i wanted to share for fear of how stuck up or pretentious it might sound. but i'm over that fear...i'm confident with my idea:) here it is in a nut shell: i think i could be a really great motivational speaker. and i think i can set myself apart by incorporating my art with the encouragement and...motivation...that comes from listening to such a speaker! there are two parts to this realization:

part I

i have a pretty impressive collection of my drawings since 2003...like...a ton! when i look through my pieces, i can't help but feel proud and a huge amount of affection for my creations. i also remember where my heart and head were during creation...each drawing comes with a clear memory...whether it be a memory of what it meant to me or a memory of what feeling or place in my life it evolved from. it's like having a journal without words. i believe that i can tell stories and make points...have a visual for my audience...with my art. i've always wanted to be a writer, but sometimes i trip and stumble all over the words and just have to express whatever those words are through colors and lines. so i think if i'm speaking to a group of people about my life's lessons and i have some pieces for visual interest...i can use them as an anchor for myself as well.

part II

it began in college. my dorm room door was always open and girls were constantly coming in and out to visit. during those visits, the conversations often led to discussions on relationships (mostly) and sometimes other aspects of life like majors or family and friend conflicts. i was always good at seeing multiple sides of stories or different perspectives of a situation. the girls always seemed to leave with a new sense of confidence or determination...and i always felt a sense of accomplishment by helping someone through a tough time.

when i was a supervisor in a photo lab, it was the first time i interviewed and hired associates. i hired two different girls at different times during this job. after one left, i filled the position with the next one. they had different personalities and were in different places in life...but they were both quite a bit younger than me...and there were other similarities. despite the differences, both of these girls were, in a word, lost. now i don't feel right taking credit for turning their lives around...but...both girls at one point during my friendships with them told me that i had "inspired" them...that they "learned" from me...and i watched them become less like girls and more like women. i felt very maternal towards them. from my perspective, i saw them wandering around for a time but then start walking more determined with a goal in sight. i felt like i guided them...like i pushed them...made them ask questions of themselves and find the answers.

so! my experiences in life have helped me help others through similar situations. all of those times i asked the universe or God, "why? why must i have to go through this?" i believe everything happens for a reason...and so...the answer to all of those questions is this: use what i know to bring light to the dark for others. and i believe...truly believe...that i can do this!

ro fo sho art will now include the occasional segment of life's art...where i will share my stories and life lessons with some art for visual interest...an illustration of sorts. i hope that my words will help people...that others will read and share what i bring here. i also hope that as time passes, people feel comfortable initiating discussions...asking for advice or help...encouragement and motivation:) let's see where this goes!

"Connected"

"My Happiness"

this post goes with the previous post...but as you read the previous post, you should jump over and read this one too! does that make sense? well it does in my head...so there you go. you should know my head doesn't really operate in a way that may make sense. moving on! hopefully this will all come together as i try to explain the evolution of "ro fo sho art." to simplify it as much as i can...this journey to "ro fo sho art" has evolved and morphed from idea after idea...but it's all coming together now...i'm gonna make it all make sense...i hope! praying:)

the following was written june 1, 2008

i wrote a letter to myself when i was barely 14 years old. i couldn't open it until i turned 20 and somehow i managed to hold on to it that long. my sophomore year of college i was working in the library as a reference assistant... i did some assisting but i also had a lot of time to think... and something i was struggling with was my current major. it went from biochemistry to journalism and finally to elementary education... and elementary ed wasn't so appealing anymore. i jotted down notes and doodles contemplating, "what should i do!?" on october 9th, 2002, my 20th birthday, i opened this letter to myself... i honestly could not remember anything i had written. the letter asked if i had been kissed yet or had fallen in love all ready... and if not, there's something wrong! my 14 year old self commanded that i be in college and be making as excellent grades as always. my 14 year old self commanded that i be working my way toward becoming a professional photographer. i read this check point over and over and flashed back to some vivid memories. i don't remember the root of this passion. it's like it was always there hiding on the tip of my brain and all over my heart screaming and begging for my logical and practical ways to recognize that my artistic and outrageous ways could lead me in a direction that would not only be soul fulfilling but practical and logical and successful. national geographic took my breath away... took me all over the world. the vivid glossy pages took me up and up and up to this blissful place where the world was all around me just waiting to be captured. as a pre teen and teen i didn't read those magazines about cute boys and cute clothes (unless one of my friends had one) but instead couldn't wait for the next national geographic. it was euphoria. yes i know i'm a nerd. i collected the maps from inside the magazines hoping to one day travel from the anacondas of the orinoco river to the nebula in orion's belt... taking pictures all along the way. i tried to get into photography my junior year... this was the first year it was available to me and so as a sophomore i was sitting with my counselor and insisting that i take this class!!! well it was full... "but you'll definitely get in your senior year. seniors get first pick!" the little twit said! so as a junior i found myself sitting in the same counselor's office and again asking for the photography class for my senior year... "oh dear. it's all ready full." sad face from the idiot. tears were streaming down my face. i told her it wasn't just a blow off class for me... this was what i wanted to do with my future! you would think a high school counselor who is supposed to be preparing students for college would take in to consideration what they will want to pursue in college! but no. there was just no way around it. "sorry!" sad faced bitch. i guess in turn i accepted it as a whimsical idea and a path with no future. photography could just be a hobby. and then i met a certain young man the summer after my senior year who promised he would teach me photography... from taking the pictures to watching them come to life in the darkroom. and i fell in love with this guy. and ultimately my love for photography now included that love for that boy. but our time in the darkroom didn't involve lessons on photography... the darkroom was where he kissed me and said he didn't love me. the darkroom was where he told me he didn't want anything to do with me. i drowned in the red light with the smell of chemicals and his cologne and my tears suffocating me. photography became a reminder of a broken heart. but when i opened that letter on my 20th birthday, i didn't give him a single thought. he was gone from my mind and from my heart. i didn't think about that dumb ass counselor who i felt wrecked everything. damn she was an idiot! instead, when i opened that letter, that begging and screaming inside me jumped up and said, "hey hey hey!!!! now? can we start now???" and so that was my last year at college. the following summer i traveled to some unforgettable places and acquired some unforgettable memories... and in february 2004, i found myself parked outside of the oklahoma school of photography. i was so afraid! i never got the chance to learn anything about photography! i assumed that all of those people inside got to take classes in high school and they probably had mentors and guidance. i had dead ends. i was afraid i was going to look like a fool. but... i had the screaming and the begging inside me. i had the passion that had been a part of me since birth. i had the dream of a 14 year old girl who i just couldn't let down. so i walked through those doors. i made some forever friends. annie and emily (annabelle and dwinks) and i were meant to start that adventure that day together. i met abi. i met ron. and i met mike... i can't think about mike without crying. but this is another story all together. he is gone but he is remembered... i still ask myself what would mike think or say or suggest. here i am today. a supervisor in a photo lab. studio work and freelance on my resume. a certificate from a nationally accredited school that hangs above my desk saying, "This certifies that Amy Rose Conway has successfully completed the course of instruction and has been examined and found duly qualified as a professionally skilled photographer and lab technician and is hereby awarded this Diploma as an acknowledgment of her knowledge and in recommendation of her acquirements. Awarded this Seventeenth day of September, Two Thousand Four." i'm still finding my way and still learning. i'm trying to save money for the dream of a studio gallery i will own someday. i'm considering more schooling. i'm not jumping into anything on a whim but contemplating how to set myself apart and developing the strategy i will need to succeed. and ultimately i'm trying to figure out what it takes to become a master photographer in the eyes of my fellow professionals. ...and i have to rant a little bit. i've been reading so i know i'm not alone. myself and other professional photographers have recognized that we are at war with a new breed. photographers who claim they are professional and charging lower prices and taking clients away. this has spawned an idea of what looks professional... but ultimately the consumer is not getting what they deserve. sure it may be cheaper to hire that photographer who took that really great picture... but that photographer didn't give you what you could have had. a person can not just pick up a camera, take some good shots, and then claim to be a professional. we who are professionals have worked for that credential! we have studied photography and appreciated it and we continue to grow and learn year after year after year. we push ourselves to do better to be better to set ourselves apart and to provide the most beautiful, breathtaking, and truly amazing photos a person could ever have that will ultimately be the most tangible form of a memory one can ever possess. this is my story... it started over a decade ago... but it's nowhere close to being finished. I...AM...A...PHOTOGRAPHER.



well i don't have a photograph that i would really like to share, but i think every good blog post needs a picture...usually anyway;) so! here is "my happiness." it's random and weird, but i'm a random and weird person...and i'm hoping...praying...that my vision for achieving happiness for "ro fo sho art" can make sense of my randomness and weirdness...if that makes sense:)

Ro Fo Sho Art

i have four followers that i know of on this blog...thank you dearest readers! i believe others may stop in from time to time...but without the occasional facebook comment...i'm not sure who actually may be reading or full fledged following. note: i enjoy alliteration...and assonance for that matter...as well as rhyming...just a little tid bit from today's random tree. moving on! the point of sharing all of this is that i want people to read this blog...i want my ideas and art read and seen by a mass audience. not for popularity. not for fame. both may seem stuck up...but i think my reason may be the most stuck up of all. so i'm not sure if i will share at this time...let's see where we are at the end of this entry!

sometime between when i was born and 6 years old, i wanted to be an artist. by middle school, i knew that being an artist was as realistic a dream as being a rock star...well let me clarify...being able to survive off of one's dream, one must make money...and sellin' art on the sidewalks and singin' in smoky bars might make payin' the bills a bit challenging...one must have a successful gallery exhibit or CD release...for example. so by the end of middle school, i discovered a love for photography...and i've written about this before so i don't want to write about it now but i'll copy and paste that after this entry for you to read...and then i'll edit this entry and provide the link when you click...here:) i'm sharing this little middle school realization because i figured i could be successful with photography and still be able to achieve that artist dream at the same time! and this photography road will be explained more as well when you click on that link i mentioned before. so go ahead and read that now if you haven't. in addition to that last sentence...i am an artist. the passion i expressed about photography has kind of evolved in to the art i've been working on most recently...but it all ties together...it's all coming to this place that i feel stuck up about mentioning right now...but maybe later.

i am creating "ro fo sho art." i don't want to call it a business...i'm not really sure what to call it...or even how to explain it. so...following these few sentences will be a couple of paragraphs...the first one being an objective of sorts and the second one being a third person narrative of me basically (which could evolve into something else later...i'll let you know).

i want to combine my love for visual, musical, and written art into one vision that brings them all together...not necessarily in a variety of joint forms...but rather in a place...like stepping inside my mind where it all comes together in a chaos of sounds, words, lines, and colors that somehow...in this random and disjointed world...look like pieces in a museum with strange unrecognizable notes falling on frames, pages, and senses.

she's trying to find that spot in her mind where the conscious and subconscious delicately combine. is it a tangible entity or another dimension beyond human perception? how do dreams form from seemingly no where...unrelated to experiences and even random thoughts...where are they from? and these drawings and paintings that evolve spontaneously as her hand meets brush, pencil, or pastel to whatever her canvas may be...how do they unravel from the mess of images in her mind? sometimes it all comes at once and it is so hard to untangle the knots...how can she put the abstract with the concrete? too many questions. but there is a purpose for all of this...there is a reason. she can feel it! there must be a way for her to share her art and her words in a way that appeals to everyone...even those who never pay any attention to art. she has to find this path as she fits the pieces together...combine the art with the memories with the mental place on life's timeline. so...the beginning...

yeah i'm still not going to share my idea just yet...but i don't think it's really stuck up. however, i think it will make more sense with more entries relevant to the vision:)

so! i'll get back to the creation of "ro fo sho art" throughout this blog. for right now...i will share the 3 most recent drawings that have kept me busy as i've been away from writing...


this one is called "energy spinning." i did it with graphite pencils one evening while watching tommy play video games. good times. oh yes! i would also like to mention that i had been watching shows about the universe leading up to this. so when i write about my art coming from a spontaneous place, i believe this one came from supernovas still "spinning" around in my head;)


this one is "stellar memories" created with prisma colors and chalk pastels. this one looked so childlike in the beginning actually...like a children's book on shapes. but the word inside my head when i put the first line down was, "trippy." so that is definitely what evolved. adding the chalk pastels in this one led directly to the following one...


this one is "hearts collide," which may seem to obvious but i don't care...it's how i feel about the love story of my husband and me. anywho! i hadn't used chalk pastels in years so when i added it to the previous drawing, i was really excited to immediately do another quick sketch. "stellar memories" took me days..."hearts collide" took me minutes! oh the joy of chalk pastels!

so this was a long one! and i probably rambled and didn't make sense through the whole thing. but that is why this has been so frustrating for me!!! "ro fo sho art" is such a mess in my head and i'm trying to make it make sense...gah! hopefully it will in the next few days. praying:)