I started training for my new job, and after a rocky but pretty good start, I began to really enjoy it! And by my last day of learning the ropes, I was feeling extremely happy and optimistic about my future with this company. I had a little hiccup right before my last two days of training and sprained my right ankle...I was still able to go to work, but I had to wear a splint, and it was incredibly uncomfortable. I didn't let it bother me, though, because I knew I had a day off to rest, elevate, and ice it! On my way home from work, there was a rainbow, and it felt like a good sign...
Unfortunately, the night before my free day, my left knee went out on me. It's my bad knee and I've been having problems with it for more than a decade, so I initially didn't think anything of it...I was still able to walk and I figured I'd just be icing my knee with my ankle the following day. I spent the rest of the night talking with friends, bartenders, and strangers about how happy I was feeling...that I had been struggling for so long with my depression, but had started feeling so much better and was so excited for the future. That night I couldn't stop smiling and kept on thinking about that rainbow...I was on cloud nine!
Wednesday morning I woke up and could not walk...my knee was the most swollen it has ever been and every movement caused me to cry in pain. Y'all, I have a high tolerance for pain, so when I hurt so badly I'm bawling my eyes out (like when I had kidney stones), it means I am legit suffering! I couldn't take Kakashi out, and every little bit of pressure I tried putting on my left leg just to get through my home was excruciating...it felt unstable and I eventually fell back on to the couch a sobbing mess! My friend, Stephany, became my guardian angel and took me to the emergency room.
Apparently the weight I was putting on my left leg because of my hurt right ankle weakened my knee...I didn't realize how unevenly I had been distributing my weight all of these years. The doctor said I basically hyper extended it and sprained it, and he said, "I'll show you why..." My x-rays showed a bone spur from my initial injury back in 2004...he said that the ligaments on that side of my leg had been rubbing against that bone spur which limited my movement and affected the way I walked. Hurting my ankle set me up to test my opposite leg and knee, and I most definitely failed...
I cried and cried and cried. Stephany was comforting me and encouraging me; and I kept asking, "why?" Why couldn't I just have a little bit more time before facing my next challenge? Why did this happen now? Why must I suffer when I've only just begun to feel good again? I was finally beginning to heal mentally only to be knocked back down physically...why? Seriously...why???!!! Yes I know these things happen...yes I know it's life...yes I know to stay optimistic and positive...yes yes yes I know. But some of y'all have to know what I'm talking about. Right? There are those people we know who seem to have the best luck...everything always works out for them. And then there's me, and people like me...it feels like one obstacle after another...I just want a break. I want things to fall into place fore me...because you know...I've been working hard. I give myself the motivational pep talks...I try to encourage myself and others daily and on this blog...I'm always looking for the silver lining, and I do the best I can for other people. I treat life and this universe as a gift...something to be cherished...why does it feel like some force is constantly working against me?
Work has been understanding, but if I can't walk by Monday, I'm afraid of what could happen...photographers need to be able to move you know! My neighbors and my friend Stephany have been life savers...seriously I would be helpless without them! So shout out to Peggy, Elizabeth, Jared, and most recently Alexis...incredibly grateful for all the help! There will be cards and cookies for appreciation most definitely! I especially want to express my love and gratitude to Stephany...she has walked my dog, brought and cooked me food, tended to little needs, and even gave me a card...truly a guardian angel...thank you thank you thank you, dear friend...so much love for you!
So...in summary...I am grateful, appreciative, thankful, positive, optimistic, and blessed. But. I'm still pissed off...I really need a nice long string of good events...could the universe just be on my side for a little while?
Every person's struggle is different, but don't ever thing yours is not as important as the person's next to you...it's okay to simply be pissed off. You can be doing your very best and putting all of your love and light out in to the world...and sometimes life will still hit you on the ass. It sucks. Hugs and love, my lovelies, and may the universe give some love back to you as well!
Broken but still going...
Amy
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